Relatively recently I started taking the full spectrum mindfullness class and as interesting and rewarding as it is I am really starting to fee confused about things and feel the need to have a conversation with someone who has taken the course or worked with this sort of thing for much longer than I have. In amber for example I’m asked to become aware of my fundamentalist-(ish?) beliefs and to to hold them and let them go in various ways and orders that I can’t even remember when I set out to do the meditation. It doesn’t get easier because I am not sure exactly what those beliefs are. There are some things that go in that direction, maybe and then there are other things that might count in or perhaps not. Adding to the general confusion is the fact when asked to summon a we-feeling I’m confronted with the similar confusion. What we am I supposed to summon, feel about ect. There is something there but it’s so vague, So if someone woud like to vounteer and talk with me for a bit on skype or similar and help me sort it out so that I actually know what to do when I sit to meditate. Prefferably someone less the likeness of a concussed duckling and who is generally speaking a lot less angry and frustrated, or is that cheerful?, as I am.
Hi Kara, I feel your pain. Am going through Full Spectrum Mindfulness for the second time. I’ve been a meditator for many years, thought the course would be easy. The great thing about the course is it gives you a better understanding of the structure/stages of the spectrum, starting with infrared and then on upward (red, amber, orange, green, teal and beyond). A fuller understanding of what brought you to Integral theory in the first place.
The challenge, as you stated, is to note where you are carrying baggage from the different spectrums into your present spectrum of consciousness, which must be teal (ish) or you probably wouldn’t have been drawn to take the course in the first place.
There really is nothing to summon. Resistance is a natural sign that a shadow is lurking, and a great opportunity to bring it to light. As you listen to the descriptions of each stage notice where you feel disinterested or confused. Or where you may be critical of anyone in your circle of friends and family that may have those very qualities described. Then look within yourself and notice where you may be feeling a sensation or tightness. Just notice.
It might be helpful to go through the first few videos with Ken’s instructions on moving back and forth between the detached Witness and then your small “I” which contains the story of your life. It is actually kind of fun to finally become aware of areas in your life you assumed you’d long left behind.
Thank you very much for your reply and for the advice. Particularly the bit about noticing where I may be critical about someone in my family or circle that I feel have the negative qualitites described by Ken in amber. I will definitely go there eventually. For now I am still dealing with that overwhelming feeling of sadness and anger that caused me to write this post in the first place. You see I experience that I have never had a tribe as such and that in my past I have been rejected by my tribe and that I have an intense sense of longing for that and a loneliness and an almost overwhelming longing for connection. I figured I would have to sit with this for a few times and go back and forth as described. Not sure if thats whats intended but I’m certain it doesn’t matter and that what I’m doing is right. Today I felt a sense of acceptance that yes, I am alone. I realised I’ve always struggled against it before, trying to drown it or longing for other people, imagining friendships, conversations and play in my mind or feeling guilty for it because I’m not supposed to feel alone. It’s not acceptable by my social environment that I feel this way. Or by wishing for more from them. Yet of course, I am not alone because I have always been here and always will be. I’ll continue with this for now. I suppose I could write a list with my beliefs and witness/try them out like that when I am ready. I suppose there is an ethnocentric we there somewhere in those ideas but I hardly ever meet people agree with me so it’s kind of vague. I know what kind of people in society I feel resentment towards however and will go there. I don’t assume I have left all that much behind. I’m a half-crazy mess but in a good way.
Dear Kara the desire for belonging, connection and acceptance is a powerful force. I chuckled when you mentioned you feel “a half-crazy mess but in a good way,” despite feeling alone at times. You are certainly not alone in feeling that way. Alas, no one can fill that void… It is part of the reason we move beyond ethnocentric attachments, I believe, and then expand our tribe to world centric and Kosmoscentric - the ability to feel connection with all beings. If you are able to practice meditating on letting go of all you think is you, you will discover you have never been alone. The journey to embracing the emptiness and fullness of being is a difficult journey, but worth it. I am grateful to know you are one of my tribe.
Maybe you have found your tribe here. Like me I sense you feel you are different from your cohort which results in feelings of rejection and aloneness. But don’t worry. You are surrounded by many who haven’t fallen for the materialist fake western lifestyle. I’m only a learner meditator so not an authority on that. However having a christian background I do understand what fundamentalist beliefs are and how they bias my thinking. On the other hand there is a lot of good from that faith so one needs to discern what to discard and what to hang on to. I wish that you find what you are looking for. My advice is to enjoy the journey because I’m not sure if one ever actually arrives. Blessings. #infinitelove.