Anyone going through a dark night of the soul?

Reflections
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It feels like I’m between worlds. The old is collapsing, the new not quite here.

The darkness often feels impenetrable.

Feels like the old me is dying. It’s not fun.

Wondering what others are experiencing in terms of their spiritual lives. If anyone else feels groundless or without a home?

Thanks.

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It’s inevitable and necessary for anyone achieving any kind of real spiritual growth.
Those who never shed who they were, are by definition stagnant, without growth except what is linear and conformist. To transform necessitates losing what was.

It also repeats in different areas of our lives if they transform. Identity relating to age, family, religion, friends, nation, profession, Myers-briggs typology - everything.
Those who never transform out of their teen or young adult years … well, we have a President and a movement of millions of people who never developed past what they identified as in 1987. There is another group that is stuck in social expectations and structures of the 1990’s and 2000’s. What these two groups at opposite ends of the political spectrum have in common is they are stagnant. They don’t transform. Even when they have an awakening, they try to bend it to their existing pov. They don’t seek to become truly transformed by awakening experiences, but instead corrupt the awakening to serve their ego and make sense according to their current being.

Eventually, we will all die. That is a 100% certainty - and we have no idea what we will transform into after that. Anyone who says they know what to expect is completely off the mark. A caterpillar cannot conceive that it would ever develope into a butterfly, nor a maggot that it will one day be a dung fly.
That’s where I start. The inevitably of death gives us the choice to spiral into depression and see it as a terrible thing to fear. It also gives us the opportunity if we choose to take it to see it as just another transformation, and that transformations are prefereable to stagnation. We can choose to look at those who are stagant while living and see that is true death.

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I know how you feel, Kelley, because I’ve been through something similar this past year and I still don’t even know if whatever this is has actually ended.

In my case, it started about a year and a half ago when I definitely stopped seeing any real meaning in pretty much everything that was happening in my life.

I began taking spiritual practice and study more seriously, especially with the help of the Spiritual Exercises of Saint Ignatius of Loyola and a spiritual director. The “dark night of the soul” didn’t go away, it actually deepened.

Some time later, as of today, I’d say I’ve lost almost everything that was tied to my former identity — from ambitions and career goals to even my last relationship — and I’m not sure a new one has “formed” yet. If that’s even supposed to happen.

I’m not sad or depressed right now, though I’ve definitely been through some deep phases of both. Traditional therapy helped me a lot in processing those emotions.

Now I just try to take one day at a time.

I read and learn (like I’m doing here, since I just arrived) but without obsessing over the study, the process, when I’ll get out of the tunnel, or anything else.

Whatever happens, I hope you’re able to move through this time with as much strength as possible and I truly wish you find joy not only at the end of the road but also along the way.

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Thank you.

Yes, there has been much loss. A lot of lessons learned from relationships falling apart that seemed to happen out of nowhere. Long stretches of feeling dry and dead on the inside.

It doesn’t make any sense to me, but I don’t think it’s supposed to. I still run through my daily routine, pray a lot, meditate and contemplate a lot, because it seems to be the only thing I can do.

There are times I get paranoid and think people really hate me. Maybe it’s karma burning up. Feels like relationships are always in flux, people either really loving my presence, and then starting to loathe seeing me. Very depressing.

Depression is always there. Racing thoughts when I’m trying to get away from the awful feelings coming up.

Anyway, that’s what I’ve got so far. Thanks ddguezmartin.

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Have you tried leaning on any kind of therapy to help you manage the emotions?

For me, starting therapy felt like having something somewhat solid to hold on to while the rest of my world was shifting.

And I started becoming more aware and even enjoying (at times) the process of “disidentification”, for lack of a better word.

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Yes, many, many types of therapy. Ketamine, ECT, talk, emdr. You name it, I’ve probably tried it.

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Did any particular one help you, or did none of them seem to make a difference?

I’m by no means an expert on the subject, but if you feel like sharing, I’d love to learn how you’ve been trying to navigate all of this — because I know it’s not easy.

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There have been pockets of help from certain therapies. Ketamine was really helpful, but I developed a dependency on it and had to stop.

What about you? Where are you at on your spiritual quest right now?

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Thanks, Kelley :slight_smile:

In my case, I’m still interested in Christianity (especially from the Ignatian perspective), but I’d say in a less experiential and more intellectual way.

As for direct experience, I’ve been exploring the Gateway Experience from The Monroe Institute for a while now, along with Tom Campbell’s work, My Big TOE.

Both of these paths end up “forcing” me to look into other schools, methods, or traditions in search of more context.

And that’s precisely what brought me here: trying to integrate the information that keeps coming to me with what I already know—or think I know.

That’s where I am right now, also relying on therapy to, as I mentioned before, have some solid ground that keeps me from going too far into depersonalization.

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What have you learned from the gateway experience?

What holes are they not filling that you need more information?

I too struggle with depersonalization or dissociation, especially when I’m in stressful or confusing situations. I just leave my body. That’s why I was getting dependant on ketamine. It’s a dissociative and makes me feel like I’m already enlightened. Unfortunately it eventually has to wear off, and back into this world I must go - something I’m not really wanting to do most of the time. I definitely prefer “God”/formless-absolute-truth to the world of form and relative-truth, or as the Buddhists call it, The One as opposed to The Many.

Final question: what do you mean by intellectually as opposed to experientially?

Thanks!

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I’ve only been exploring the audios for a short time (8–9 months), but I’m beginning to understand that there’s a non-physical reality—just as real as this one—that we can access… as we learn to let go of our fears and the turbulence of our minds.

Since the Gateway Experience isn’t a doctrine, or a tradition, and doesn’t have any kind of academic body, I’d say that rather than turning to other sources to “fill in the gaps,” what I actually do is consult conventional traditions to match what I’m experiencing with the metaphors they use.

What I’ve learned about my episodes of depersonalization comes down to two things:

First, they happen when I don’t ground myself enough in the physical world (I neglect my responsibilities, cut off social contact…) and/or when I get into a phase of spending too much time studying or thinking “on the other side.”

The second thing I’ve learned is that I tend to dissociate when I feel emotions I don’t know how to handle.

This has been happening all my life. I’ve now realized that what I used to call “lack of attention” or “being in the clouds” was actually my mind protecting itself from what was happening in my body. Now I’m much more present and connected with my body: when an emotion shows up, I don’t run away from it—I allow myself to feel it without trying to control it.

That last part has been one of the most revealing aspects of this whole journey, even if it might seem like a small thing.

As for Christianity, I mean that I study it out of curiosity now—as a subject or discipline—but I no longer practice it as a spiritual path the way I used to.

Thanks to you :slight_smile:

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Yes, exactly. I do the same when under pressure. Thank you for sharing. Good luck for the rest of your journey

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I wish you the same, Kelley.

Thanks for asking me about my experiences :slight_smile:

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Now let me tell ya, this here Dark Night of the Soul is one mighty interesting thing — and a mighty tough one to be livin’ through. If folks were the type to gather up in groups about it, well, you could have yourself a real big crowd. But truth is, by nature, most folks hittin’ this patch walk it alone. Seems to me it’s more like a long trail of lonesome riders, each wrestlin’ with their own reckonin’.
For me, it’s been ridin’ shotgun most all my life. On one side, I’ve got this bedrock certainty that I belong to a universe built, kept, and steered toward Beauty, Goodness, and Truth — or to put it plainer: Love. But on the other side, there’s the hard fact that I can’t grab hold of it, can’t feel it deep down in my bones. And right smack in the middle of all that, there’s a hollow space where I find myself sittin’.
Funny thing is, even that soulless contraption, ChatGPT, tossed out a few trail markers for crossin’ this barren stretch. I’ll admit, sometimes the trail feels dang near impassable… but here they are, in case you ain’t seen ‘em:
BTW scuse me, I’m a man — which means by default I’m wired to try and fix things, when maybe what’d be better is just plain ol’ empathy. I’m Portuguese, but Chat went and dressed this up in Texan for me :wink:.

  1. Shift from Strivin’ to Surrenderin’
    • The Dark Night gets heavier when we’re tryin’ to “fix it” or chase down them old spiritual highs.
    • Instead, lean back into trust and just hand over the reins — let go of control and count on somethin’ deeper than feelings or fine ideas.
    • A simple prayer like, “Not my will, but Yours” can be your anchor in the storm.
  1. Stay Grounded in the Simple Things
    • Even when prayer feels dry as a West Texas summer, keep showin’ up steady and plain.
    o Sit in silence, say nothin’.
    o Breathe easy, pay attention.
    o Read a short line of scripture or poetry without wringin’ it for meanin’.
    • Think of it like chewin’ on dry bread when you ain’t hungry — it still keeps you goin’.
  1. Care for the Body and the Everyday
    • Old mystics sometimes skipped this, but truth is: lookin’ after your body steadies your spirit.
    o Take walks, stretch, eat decent grub.
    o Rest when you’re tired.
    o Let yourself doodle, write, or play a tune — not to impress, just to let off steam.
    • Even the plain ol’ daily chores can turn holy when the inner lights are dim.
  1. Don’t Go It Alone
    • Sure, the Dark Night’s an inward trail, but ridin’ with a good guide makes a difference.
    o Talk to a trusted friend, mentor, or pastor who knows these parts.
    o Speak honest ‘bout your emptiness — puttin’ words to it can crack the dark wide open.
    • And remember, plenty have ridden this trail before you — St. John of the Cross, Teresa of Avila, Thomas Merton, Evelyn Underhill. Read their tracks; you ain’t the only one.
  1. See It Differently
    • Don’t call it failure — call it growin’ beyond old crutches.
    • Just like a kid grows outta toys, the soul grows past spiritual comforts.
    • Ask yourself in a journal: “What might God be askin’ me to let go of? What am I learnin’ to love with no prize at the end?”
  1. Live by Values, Not Feelings
    • If the warm fuzzies are gone, stick to the good ol’ trail markers: compassion, patience, honesty.
    • Even small acts of kindness line you up with God’s love, no feelings required.
    • Truth is, love gets more real when it keeps on givin’ without gettin’ nothin’ back.
  1. Hold Tight with Patience and Hope
    • Nights can drag on like a drought, but they don’t last forever.
    • Keep remindin’ yourself: “This is just a stretch of the trail, not the end of the road.”
    • Folks who’ve made it through tell of a new depth on the other side: faith without fear, love without condition, presence without proof.

In plain talk: the Dark Night ain’t the finish line, it’s just the long, dusty road to dawn. Keep ridin’.
With love, from a fellow sufferer,

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" … faith without fear …"

I keep coming back to the above quote and wondering about allowing some wiggle-room for “fear” as one of the big denied drivers in this whole dance. I want to suggest something like “no fear” has no meaning without having experienced fear in the first place. If “no fear” is the bar to be cleared, “fear” is the impetus to clear it.

Maybe it’s worth considering “fear” as an essential element, and to take care not to judge oneself negatively for discovering one carries some fear …