Hey guys, new here, well not really, I came here a lot back in the days of integral naked etc. But I’m finding my way back.
I want to thank everyone in the community. Integral has been a source of nourishment, fuel for the journey, fire to burn up challenges within, and basically a stockpile of bullets for when the ideological shit hits the fan (though not in the sense of attacking, but when I’m feeling attacked, it is ammunition to keep my own doubt and demons at bay)
This is an open letter to Shambhala and Naropa, an open letter to the place I came to be near Ken/Trungpa Rinpoche and Shambhala, and the community of Boulder which I have fallen in and out of love with over the past decade and a half many times. I love you guys still, but I’ve had to move a bit further north to process the trauma of attending Naropa over the past three months.
Boulder – first off, I love you guys. You guys are great. You saved my life from a plethora of incapacitating mental illnesses, noise and violence within my heart. I fell in love with Ken Wilber and Shambhala there as well as many of the wonderful mental health workers, social workers, bus drivers and baristas, and though I have gone from one end of the spectrum to the other many times (in regards to fear and love), I consider Boulder my spiritual home, and do hope it changes back to the way it was, a less violent, calmer atmosphere, where people can move among each other freely without fear of being attacked, where hippies get along with cowboys, and students get along with others. It really is a great town. I’ve even developed a strange affinity for the big college there, CU Boulder, but only AFTER going to Naropa for half a semester, which has honestly been the strangest and most traumatic experience of my life, even more so than the mental illness I now consider mostly defeated from way back when.
Second up, Ken Wilber and Integral – thank you so much for… geez… everything. For helping me keep my bearings in very difficult waters and for giving me hope when the world and myself gave up on myself and the world. You guys are amazing!
So, here’s the fun part…
Naropa/Shambhala –
I came to Boulder initially to go to a specialized program through Naropa called “Windhorse” for the severely mentally disabled way back in 2006. It was kind of a lame experience but it got me involved in Boulder, which was what was needed. Afterwards, the Mental Health Center of Boulder, later to become Mental Health Partners, was way more helpful in dealing with my emotional and mental scars from trauma and abuse.
It feels strangely, though I thought I came here mainly to engage with Shambhala and Naropa, to learn about Buddhism and meditation, it turns out I came more to be around the energy field of Ken (who lived here at the time), and to be in Boulder, which I still find fascinating and fun. At the time I thought I would be saved by the great Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche and his son Mipham, and though I had some good experiences at Shambhala and meeting various monks and nuns, Integral ended up being way more helpful to keeping me stable in my mental health, while Shambhala and Naropa have over the years kept me triggered and off-balance more than they have helped me.
These last three months have been hell. I thought it was my dream to attend college there. And with Mipham engaged in the sexual scandals and his father coming out as a predator of sorts while it being hidden definitely had a scarring effect on me (considering I had invested the previous 15 years in the community, healing, growing and learning about meditation), what was most scarring was attending the woke cult of Naropa feminists.
I’m a dude. A white dude. From what I can tell, I’m straight (though I’ve been projected on so severely in the last three months that I question that on occasion). And I have been so shamed for being these three things, that for my own sanity and mental health I’ve had to retreat into a basement apartment in the middle of nowhere out of paranoia and fear of triggering some transgendered, woke, lesbian hippie. I’m very sorry to use this language. Maybe I should be, maybe I shouldn’t be. This is the confusion that has been caused by going there.
ANY language used was offending SOMEONE, and being “normal”, or to put in the terminology of the woke leftist cult thought police mob – “a cisgender, heteronormative caucasian male” – sorry, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit…
I came there to get an education and was driven out by violent feminists. So excuse me if I’m a little pissed off. I would have loved to have been a healer in the community, especially for the young schizotypal males such as I was, the same males who go to King Soopers, or the Dark Night premier, or Columbine here in Boulder, and to help them and listen to them. I doubt many of the people getting degrees there would have an iota of compassion for these types of guys as was made clear to me when I said I had sympathy for the guys who go on shooting sprees and was quickly told to STFU, keep quiet, go to your room, and basically shamed for having real love, not idiot compassion/pity for these young men, many of which who are so disturbed and feel so backed into a corner that the only response they can think of is to shoot up a building. This is what the prison of mental illness does to someone.
Over the course of three months I was publicly shamed across the school many times for speaking my mind by the regressive leftist mob, but of course by saying that, I am a Joe Rogan supporting, Jordan Peterson supporting, alt-right fascist, Trump-loving white supremacist who must also be a closet racist/homophobe/sexist/xenophobe/transphobe who hates everything that isn’t him. (By the way, could you explain transgenderism to me without yelling in my face? How can I be scared of something I don’t understand? A bit odd… but you do you homie). And hey, let’s throw in that he’s a closet homosexual because he won’t come on to our advances when we proposition him on giving us head. Awesome! That’s make him leave! That evil, straight white capitalist…
I have never been so ashamed to be from Boulder or to have gone to Shambhala in my life. I have never been so embarrassed by a culture ever in my life, or so deeply traumatized for trying to be polite, kind and compassionate in a culture of ugliness and a cult-like mentality of group thought which doesn’t even compare to other universities. I have never before been a victim of slander, racism, heterophobia in my life, but I learned the hard way never, ever, ever to engage with that type of mentality in my life, ever again. So I’ve run away.
And here I am in this basement apartment. My body shakes at night envisioning the people who wouldn’t leave me alone. The blood red look in their eyes as they screamed into my face that I was a pedophile after pretending to be my friend. Being propositioned by a transgender woman three times to have her perform oral sex on me, and then shaming me to the whole community when I said no. Or the racism coming off the black resident hall manager at the student community where I live.
I’m sorry guys, but Naropa has lost it’s way. I hope Boulder doesn’t turn into antifa Portland. I mean, I REALLY do, because those people are thugs and unfortunately are moving here. Please just stay in Portland.
Ok, so enough of the anger and negativity. I swear to you this is for processing. I don’t like writing negative things on the internet anymore. I too have learned that the hard way on facebook and even previous pieces of written on integral life and integral naked.
But enough is enough.
Love you guys. Have a swell, drama-less day tomorrow. I’m happy to answer any follow-up questions, though I’m not on the internet much anymore.
God bless