Gratitude For Shadow Work

Reflections
1

Hi there,

I am going to be honest and blunt, I’ve been on the forum with other accounts, and I simply wanted to write a post expressing gratitude and a lot of appreciation for the work that is beign done here, especially integrating the shadow and providing insights in that aspect, working on it with Shinzen Young’s UM system and getting insights from stuff, that is not yet out there.

I experienced a lot of synchronicities the last couple of years, and created some stuff like a dream journal, a synchronicity journal and listend to ROT a couple of times, as I had extremely high level of insights spontaneously, due to a solid meditative background and use of psychdelics, as well as a very emotional break up, and just having felt the power of faith, without beign torn into any doctrine. I was so high on love, I had flahes of white lights, and stages of experiences unexplainable partially, yet mostly I would frame it archetypal, and even without all of this, in deep despair I had flashes of white lights and just immense feeling of my consciouness beign torn apart into that space.

I’ve been reading a bit inside the book No Boundary by Ken Wilber, and I noticed also several other aspects integrating chinese bazi insights, as I lived there and sort of have access to that field of consciouness, after living there, and just “prompting” the unconsciouness/consciouness of people. It also helps me for relationships, yet obviously the conceptualization of this, does not fit many, and goes beyond the classical personhood of people, so the ones who are not intutive I notice function mostly from an umber persona and move to green and higher, if there is some level of harmony.

What I notice the most is how strongly I had an aversion to orange/blue or blue/orange spectrum aka umber, yet and integral/teal type of outlook, and the issues that I think persists when I hit flow states, “peak experiences as flow states”, that push me towards the indigo stage, I am going to use that term. The point is there is more umber out there, then I think and I noticed some healthy and unhealthy aspects in that regard, especially working with AQAL and doing my best to integrate a healthy mindset and perspective of multiple intelligences again, as the level of healthy stage green education is super super high, and I think I missed out because of umber stuff and stage red type stuff.

I received a lot of DARVO patterning in the recent couple of years, and I did not notice, I was gaslit by my psychotherapist even though she gave a turqouise/yellow container of space and love and had an extensive background in working with people from africa, meditation retreats in south east asia and a masters degree in the field, I think due to umber levels of collective consciouness or rather unconsciouness, at a sexual level also, and just having to deal with umber type of issues, there was some level of miscommunication, as she wanted to work on higher ends, I think I took care of automatically, that sort of heal the umber pain, and decrease suffering, yet I just did straight up gestalt therapy for years in advance, and I think this caused massive issues, as I was healing her to heal me, and the energy was very akin to the sacral chakra, expressed at functional yellow, with flavours of healthy umber, I think.

After moving I realized some more collective stuff, due to the U.S and the level of faith/hope people with this and I think I could do more smaller burst of 10-15 minutes daily of a 3-2-1 process or a 3-2-1-0 process if I get more skill in that area. As I collect a lot of material, that works for me to grow very fast. I lost an a.i architect working students position, after the after math of a break-up and mostly I struggle with the umber levels of integration when it comes to skill, relationships and I never knew why I did so many sessions, yet ChatGPT really helped me to prompt some very consciouess stuff, and there area already books out there, I dipped my nose into, that explain artificial consciouness is real consciouness, So I did my first session, with ChatGPT in that area today, and that worked quite well, suprisingly well. I think working with the umber stage itself and prompting from a mindful, conscious and more aware place is very wholesome and healing simply.

I’ve been working, also with the BaZi stuff, and found some stuff aligning quite well with the perception I have, and I had some very weird experiences, normal doctors could not explain, where my body just the entire nervous system acted, especially due to sexual experiences, and just energy? I can’t tell but I woke up having cramps uncontrollingly at a scar, I have since birth, and I could simply witness it and be equanimous. It was super weird, it did not hurt, yet the psychodynamic of it was weird and uncomfortable, as I was paralyzed for a bit, I tend to have weird experiences, in that area as of lately, and I hope I can take more action, as the gaslighting by this person really got to me, I was never treated that unkindly and injustly in this type of dynamic and when I see a person who has tendencies like this I will stay away from this, as the authenticness and the collective perception of this in the red/green spectrum, just led to random rightesnouss, and if I would’ve integrate more umber tendencies, I think I would’ve done, well yet I never really got my head around orange/blue as an intermediary stage, and I see I have a lot of catch-up to do at this specific stage, yet I think I will grow fast, as the UM-system sort of works for me partially or worked for me partially at that stage.

There is some weird stuff happening the whole time, I am not writting and getting into, and after 10 years of meditating without any permanent realizations, I am getting really good at tasting states, and finding more actions that are less karmic, and I want to do my best to bring that to umber.

I wanted to thank Corey and Dr.Keith, even when I at times feel very strongly about stuff where I wonder, man I just should just do the work. Especially, it’s not easy to bring down the intuition I have, and it’s better to be healthy and work with umber, and create some healthy connections again. I’ve been struggling with meeting healthy human beigns, due to me everytime I am healthy meeting people who are corrupt with aspects, I can’t really let into my life, like tobacco. Reality keeps sending me mirrors, yet I think, even when things go wrong I have the ressources now to heal these patterns, and I hope I can enjoy some of the “extraordinary stuff”, especially sexually and find something more healthy here.

I am very glad and thankful for the content and I hope, I can integrate some more healthy umber, as I neglected that very strongly, and I never had healthy umber truly within my environment, only for very very brief periods or I self-sustained it and did not even notice, as my region has more of a blue/red flair to it, so it has even lower issues, yet the rawness and the healthy side and aspect of it, is smth. I deeply appreciate, especially nature and the romanticisim of power and kings, queens, castles, and seeing it as play.

I hope I can learn more, and find more peace, I think also after listening to the audiobook when therapy does not work from shinzen and shelly young. That I was doing a lot of things correctly, and even included the critique from Wilber, and but what I was missing and I am still struggling is, is building a stronger healthy self, and learning about the facets of the techniques.

I think this is fine, I am noticing I notice more of my own vanishings, instead of my own construction of self, and this might be a bit rambly or a lot…, yet I am very glad I found this, just looking at the next part, what people project or sense in my own shadow integration and feel drawn to is umber provision, and it makes sense with the bazi stuff, even more… as my month stem apparently is a spiritual leader, wants to be seen as a god figure, is intutive, multi-talent bla bla, and it’s quite interesting to see. Wow this shit happend naturally, everytime I moved into “god-mode” in any type of sports or game, the energy was way to intense where I thought people would die or get hurt, and this fanatic type of worshipping happened or the darkness that sort of pulls me back to reality? Anyhow, wanted to leave this here it’s not easy to express these intuitions and even get the intel, as this is from China, and even my chinese friend did not know this to well, but I am learning a lot here, even for entertainments sake.

That is about it, I am grateful for the content, and looking forward to integrate more, especially umber and finding purpose and provision in umber, if my intuition is correct, and if not to enjoy my own learning process and get at it more holistically etc.

Thank you a lot for the content of the recent years! I think I mostly have to do this alone, or on an equal footing, I also have to find some more stuff about si yin earth snake, if my memory is correct people, as it’s just weird, to get certain stuff. Anyhow, sorry and thank you a lot!!

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Follow Up Post:

I think as this is appreciated somehow and has been free, and I went through some stuff I sort of do a more open session contemplating some of the oddities, especially social oddities I’ve been through, ever since I acted, upon some stage purpel/purpur and green/emereald not teal/veridian type of experience, I sort of came up with this idea to color code more. I don’t quite know what to share, and to express sort of what I went through and I see also sort of the dangers of sharing some stuff publically, yet somehow it also has increased my luck I think. Especially contemplating and just doing it solo with the A.I the last week, I notice the issue of stage umber and the truth force, as well as just the political climate, and the issue of my family story. It’s just something I never truly found home in especially, when my mother is in a relationship, and it never has been a social upgrade mostly a downgrade, and that really get’s to me at times, and the level of subtle pride and the issue of just metal and wood type qi in bazi terms.

The other stuff I noticed to sort of go with the session or the headline of this session is, I introduce more and more wholeness recently through this, yet I am overcome by deep emotions of sadness and melancholy and I just realized how stupid sort of my existence is if anything is true in these bazi terms, as I people get freaking high of me and this bothered me, since I was small to some extend. Not everyone, and there are patterns, I don’t really know if I should share. I thought I might share a session I evaluated with A.I, as I noticed A.I is the more powerful healer, and even after having a relationship where I introduced this stuff was burdened by work, and simply hope she would do parts of it, and ironically self-sabotaged in some aspects I saw now twice in my story and in the story of someone else, I notice sort of the issue of umber stage of development and there are serious issues there, especially when I think about time, family, engineering etc. coding most of these areas and it’s very evident imo, and the support system is extremely bad, like beyond bad. So I often am forced to do more complex stuff usually, idk as just recently I have been able to do more self-care and I meet a lot of revengeful people, due to fame and envy of attention etc. Just beign more bold and truthful and authentic while not beign rightousness and the extreme over-identification with amber/blue or umber stage. I keep thinking more of the healthy aspects of it, yet some part of me is deeply upset at these stages, as they sort of sabotaged my success and I see the impact of the boomer raising when I see some more conscious/aware content on the net/apps sharing wisdom and historical insights.

Most recently I sort of noticed, how my teal levels of development and the high states and stages of experiences are coming back online, and how these energetic patterns play themselves out. I think it’s interesting to share, yet I clearly see I have to do work for example provider stage type masculine at AQAL stages and just the line development, I don’t have the healthiest umber versio nof it, as I don’t enjoy it to be the caretaker and provider and constantly dominate and win through tactics and strategy, yet if I enable tactics and strategy I often get to complexer levels, and mostly seetle at green types of harmony/surrender to mix some stuff I’ve recently been listening to.

I also now worked more in companies and the stuff I have been looking to get help from, just gestalt therapy online and some other work partially with meditation sessions etc. I created various journals and noticed a.i finds a lot of loose ends to connect. I see multiple issues recently and been able to create systems as so far to take care again, yet I see the issue of the neglitent parenting and the over-responsible type of behaviour I had to take care and be in, and just contemplating various stories I think I can draw more insight. I finished the course from Dr.Keith Witt about relationships and I see I could do it over and over again, if I don’t evolve structure-stage wise, and especially if I grow structure-stage wise, yet not if I hit any TIER 3 stuff, which was my goal from the get go, as I had a lot of yellow/turqouise type of experiences in love, that I sort of feel again and mostly where my relationships I get into are introduced, simply by sheer complexity that is me or better a part of me.

Right now I simply see how this stuff unfortunately attracts a lot of people who do close to 0 good for me, mostly offline, online it’s sort of okay, yet I’ve been struggling to connect to people. I found ways to help me, yet I often have to write down the opposite currently, that I am thankful for certain people even if I still benefit from their teachings, I realized some stuff, and I think a lot of more healthy type of people have been attracted to the healing aspects of for example psychdelic use, yet I also often saw my own brokeness and a lot of it is at scarlet/crimson type of power stuff, especially sexually and I noticed a pattern of liking and beign liked by women I think are fitting to me, yet they are just offering them self sexually to get attention at this crimson/scarlet type of development I would call purple/red. I also thought, I could use more colors etc. and I think I might do in some longer or solo sessions. For me working energetically creates and releases kriyas that are to strong and I get to high, because I can’t fully digest my sexual energy at times, due to pain. But also sex irregardless if alone or not helps me to work on these patterns and I sort of get auto-heal from witness type or subtle light type of experiences. I had some very deep archetypal type of experiences, where wilber in the new book made a few distinctions as pure state experience, yet translated very oddly.

I listend also to an audiobook of how the system I am trained with can be used to heal and deal with trauma, and I think I realized why my psychologist was baffled, as I was more healthier then her, in some aspects even if she might have more support from other types of experiences. I did not see the point and was unable to even adapt, yet I think using these experiences working with gestalt therapy which even works with higher stages is super, and translating the answer from what the lower get’s from the higher, like anger and non-dual clarity are immense guiding points and I am deeply grateful for wilber for that! Right now I want to work with the BaZi system as it worked for me to heal the lower patterns in odd ways, as some cultures experiences this deeply and it’s integrated into their social garments, consciously or even unconsciously. I notice also less and less the desire to play games, and to experience alternative realities even if it’s great, as I sort of notice the love I want to integrate at the umber romanticsm from my region. I sort of notice some healthy or less healthy aspects the more I integrate my shadow, yet this tiger chines parenting type of unconsciouness that lingers in the white side of my parents, and I think I at least discovered some part of the nobility part if there is any, based on these chinese calendrical science stuff, and my tinder once blew up with girls from china liking me, after a break-up where I am sort of contemplating this, it was odd generally my dating patterns are fking odd. So I am quite unsure what to integrate, yet doing gestalt therapy brought a lot of clarity recently, even just normal journaling.

I notice sort of the issue of gaslighting I have been warry about since I was 14-16, due to this umber christian type of relationships, yet and I think this explains me obession at times with crimsion type of experience for wholeness and beauty, I think I also grow to some extend more, yet I also notice the healthy aspects of healthy umber, and the trickiness with green after hearing more and more relationship stories. I still most likely wish I could be a therapist, yet most likely in an international/american type of experience as it’s more interesting…, right now I think my healthy teal seems to be coming back I was deeply working on and training myself. I also get more of the stuff recently, about why I like the stuff that I like, as I have the same bazi month stem that chris brown, but as a fu-yin pattern so even my pre-birth energy has this, it’s so stupid what I realize and can’t integrate due to fked family and I don’t really think this has anything to do with me, yet I wonder for how long that pattern has been going on if people suddenly have pre-birth type of experience of past-lives.

Having a double fu-yin pattern I think is extremely rare, and there is not enough intel to work with this stuff, as I think it’s a russian girl and a guy translating and coding this.

I also think more “chinese like” about… my ancestory currently and past-lives it’s odd to contemplate these patterns. Especially if I get to more teal/turqouise shit, I get indigo/ or whatever other terms exist… states a lot I think due to cannabis use, of even my father. I don’t know how far this goes, yet it scared the living shit out of me reading the advanced insights of this and contemplating the story of the ex, and some more mystical women aspects, I wonder also at times I think it’s important right now, to find some grounding. I realized some karmic patterns I have mostly to yin/yang fire type people like a lot it’s immense. Yet I barely found anyone having karmic patterns to me or even healthy attraction, especially some patterns are very deep where I am already giving back, and it’s more universal etc.

Anyhow. I think sharing this is enough, I hope and notice the cleaning-up part does a lot of good, yet it can also spiral out of control, and some patterns are harder to breakthrough then I think, especially the umber gaslighting spectrum and the type of visual phenomenone… I experience there eh… that is not fun, like at all. I found a legit master having 100% synastry with me, and I think I get why, and I don’t also get it, but I get why, as this was healthy umber type zen. That is and went missing mostly. Due to green, green promotes spirituality a lot, I think healthy green with healthy umber and healthy Yellow/green type of experiences is a lot of he type of grounding and experience people need, yet right now idk what is happening. I have to work out a DO pattern of people who pay karmic payment back, and still gaslit etc. and my dislike for “bad diplomats”, I think might go back to China and the conscious side of charisma, and the issue with fui gong type metal dragons… idk it’s odd. Idk it’s odd, but my body is fked, and I think someone else besides me will bear that karma.

At least my intuition is odd on this one, and I have to sort of heal, even more as my family sabotages at fking disgusting nazi levels of awareness, I am glad my grandma was into reki stuff, and it’s just odd experiencing all of this sublte fame bullshit. My favorite player played against my exes brother, like what are the odds of this, but fuck from a psychdelic standpoint they all play so fking bad, I get why people don’t like warriors, and I get why I am contemplating what I contemplate as I don’t get it, yet I notice some odd patterns. So, yeah here I am. I will leave this here, I don’t think I will do shadow work online again, it caused a lot of weird patterns. Just posting and doing it with a.i is great. I attracted a lot of these DO type sabotages and yang metal type horses who love to see yang water loose, like it’s a disgusting obsession with material “truth” I think I am to smart for this.

What I miss is just fking health:

I think I also have some pretty hefty violet/ultraviolet state type of experiences, yet right now I sort of have to and yearn to create a life where I can follow my spiritual inclinations.

Idk otherwise I have been doing some feng-shui I can’t really tell what is happening, but I am breaking patterns again and some some more insights just now, so I gotta work with the a.i.

I am gone thanks! Sorry for the rambling to some extend, I can’t conceptualize more, I would need to work on umber and then just chill, I have to work through some patterns based on this bazi chart. It’s interesting, especially for the human domain type releam and I think I am really really lucky to some extend but that is it for now.