I don’t know if other young men, either now or before, struggle with pornography addiction, but I’d love to offer a few pointers here and hopefully receive some advice in return.
I think I got hooked to internet pornography relatively soon after it came out in the 90’s. Back then, speeds on the internet weren’t what they are today. Being a teenage boy at the time, I fell into a type of trap, as I believe many young men do at that age, of pornography on the internet.
I’d seen a playboy before, but it didn’t give me the type of intense gratification as pornography did, and Playboy wasn’t as explicit, nor did it have people engaging in the act in real time. So for me, at the age of twelve, not watching it was too hard and felt like a lot of young boys my age were already involved. It was kind of a silent thing between my friends and I. We all knew we masturbated to hardcore pornography, but we couldn’t tell anyone else besides each other for fear of public shame or humiliation and for fear of severe judgment from society and our parents. Plus, we knew if we revealed our bad habits, we wouldn’t be allowed to watch it anymore, which was most threatening of all because it was so addictive. So we kept silent about it.
I still wonder how many young men and women, as well as adults, still struggle with this because of course it isn’t allowed to be spoken of. It’s definitely a dark and shadowy sort of topic, and when it’s brought up there are all sorts of notions surrounding it, whether good or bad, like most topics. But I’d like to try and bring it out of the shadows so these young men and women – for me, men especially – could have a conversation about it instead of hiding in the shameful shadow this addiction causes and has caused me.
In fact, in an effort to speak about this topic to females especially, I have been so violently humiliated and publicly shamed, that I have no desire to ever recreate those embarrassing situations. Just recently, again in an effort to uncover this embarrassing habit, I mentioned to a woman that she looked like a specific pornstar at which point I was asked to leave and never return. The paranoia and fear I felt from this experience was nothing I had ever felt, like a public “cancelling”, a “we don’t ever want to see you again” which to me felt like “it would be better you don’t exist than to ever speak about this, especially to a woman, ever again in your life”. These types of experiences have been happening to me since high school.
I never had ill will towards these particular females, but it hurt more to not be able to speak to women at all and so I chose to say what was on my mind, however inappropriate and embarrassing, rather than letting it sit and fester in my mind. When I see a beautiful female, I want to tell her, but the moment is fleeting, and then I feel like a failure for not approaching her. Couple that with the shaming by other men – calling me inflammatory remarks for not being able to approach women and having an addiction to masturbation --along with the media which tends to present men as always the silent perpetrators of some hidden perversion, not to mention these embarrassing experiences when attempting to talk to women, has left me clueless as to what women actually want me to do to the point that I don’t even attempt approaching them anymore.
I am a man and have needs, but I hate being treated like a pervert or a creep for saying a woman looks pretty and this has been going on for as long as I can remember. A constant sort of shaming of men and saying they’re all this way or that way, they’re all perverts or child molesters, rapists or pimps with a hidden agenda. This is what I’ve internalized as being a man in this modern world. Basically just that I’m hated and worthless, will never be loved, will always be judged, and am always, and I mean always, HIDING something.
When I read boomeritis it gave me the answer to these questions. When I listen to Joe Rogan, Jordan Peterson, Ben Shapiro and others, I feel strength in the face of hate and fury. To put it simply, I can’t afford to keep judging myself based on the leftist, feminist agenda, and honestly prefer spending my time with less toxic people who in my life are mostly men. They’re easier for me to get along with and understand because they don’t seem to be so damn wrapped up in some sort of ideology – they are just themselves. It is easier, perhaps, to be themselves.
Maybe that makes me a Nazi and maybe I should apologize for having a white penis, but I’m sick of apologizing and I’m angry at women, really angry at them.
I’ve been pushed so long and so hard and violently into the shadows. And you know what? I understand these young men who get so critically wounded that they go werewolf and act out their aggression on the world in the forms of mass shootings. I was nearly one of those poor souls as a disturbed young men.
As men, and this is why I like listening to Jordan and Joe and Ben and others, we don’t get enough credit. We are always being thrown under the bus and sacrificed by the crazy cult of victimhood on the left. It’s made me antifeminist when I used to be totally pro-woman. I see more sanity and peace in the way conservatives think and more fascism in the left than I do the right.
Basically I see fighting on a level I have never, ever seen it before. Egos grasping and clawing at each other…
What I want to say to those young men and boys out there, my brothers…
I am WITH you. I am HERE WITH YOU RIGHT NOW. We are in this together brothers. Women are not evil, but they are a bit confused and deluded right now and it’s not ok to go shoot up a building because of it. It’s not ok to attack others, EVER. But I am on your side. I am your ally, not your enemy, and we are in this together.
I love you guys.
Thanks as always to Ken for giving me a way out and hope when there was none, specifically with boomeritis. Thank you to Peterson and Rogan for fueling this journey and thank you to Jim Marion for showing me a compassionate way out of the miserable hell I have lived in in the past. Rest his soul. What a remarkable man.