How to deal with family members who are at a different level of development than you


Hello everyone , how do you deal with family members and friends who are at a different level of development than you , i do not resonate with people who keep gossiping and complaining about things so it becomes difficult for me to engage in a conversation so people feel that i am proud and arrogant and when I do interact with them i get lost in all the negative conversations and after that i feel guilty for not living up to my standards and getting lost in a lower development thought patterns , as all of you know there are very less number of people at the 2 nd and 3 Rd tier stages then how do you deal with the people in the real world who are not at those stages sometimes I feel very lonely and depressed and then I wish I could fit in with other people and do things like partying and going out with others even though it doesn’t resonate me on a deep level , though i have this online community of like minded individuals but in the real world i hardly have anyone who resonates with me , how can I deal with this situation ?


You love them like family :slight_smile:

My extended family is quite large and very diverse in interests. I remember as a teenager at a family reunion that several of us were geeking out on something - technology, Sci-Fi, whatever - in the corner of the meeting hall, when a couple of cousins said from right outside the circle, “What on earth are you guys talking about?”, laughed and moved on. We didn’t try to chat Asimov or Heinlien or Tolken with them, but we still played cards, rode bikes together, went fishing together, prayed together. We’re still family.

Just always remember that your family has gifted you with your gifts. You received your intelligence, perseverance, drive, inquisitiveness, compassion, good looks, athleticism, sense of peace from them. Or perhaps in spite of them :slight_smile: And also your quirks and irritations and fears and all that makes us human. LOL

And not all friends have to fuel all of your needs. Play sports with some, geek out with others, pray with some, laugh at life as much as you can with all of them, date some, postulate the meaning of life with a few, commiserate with others. And above all PROVIDE these things to your friends as well. They all, each and every one also need it all as well from you.

Live it Brother! Live it!


I think it depends on which sorts of relationships you are talking about!

If I am talking to my grandmother, for example, who is a very amber-stage religious Protestant, I am able to step into my own inner amber in order to translate my views and values in a way that she can resonate with. She was in many ways my childhood source of spiritual intelligence, and even though I have since evolved through stages that were not available to her, it feels more important that she feels understood by me, rather me feeling understood by her. So I am able to talk about my spiritual life in terms that she can resonate with, because I want her to know that Spirit is alive in me — even though I would generally use very different words to describe it than she does.

If I am talking to my nine year old daughter, then of course I accept that she is at a lower stage of development myself, and my job is to help scaffold her growth so that one day, with any hope, she can move beyond my present stage of development, so that someday she can ask herself this exact question about me. “My dad is way down there at Turquoise, how can I talk to him across that developmental gap?” (Just kidding, I don’t claim to be turquoise :wink: )

So it kind of comes down to sorting between your needs, and theirs. We all have a need to feel understood, and it can be understandably frustrating when we don’t get to feel that very often. At the same time, there is a very different kind of connection pulling us all together, regardless of each other‘s overall stages of development.

That said, yes it can be lonely being an “integral island”. It was that exact loneliness which, over 20 years ago, compelled me to move to Colorado and begin my career working with Ken to develop the integral project. Because I wanted to help create a space where other Integral people can more easily find each other, so that together we can stave off that loneliness.


Thankk you for ur replies , i really appreciate it .