Integral martyr

I have really typed a unintentional archetype with that phrase! I feel like I suffer a lot… is that the Christian or Buddhist martyr in me playing out? The bodhisattva vow means something to me, at the same time the Lao Tzu notion of leading from behind. Are we only as strong as our weakest link?

There feels like this incessant need for systems evolution in me and the time crunch is intense. I still have to pay the bills and make ends meet, and yet time couldn’t seem more precious. Sometimes it is hard to prioritize. But I literally feel ear and sinus pressure as though spirit is trying to impress upon me the pressure I am under to evolve.

I am prone to summary so I just wanted to leave an open ended statement…

To make sure i understand you, do you mean you feel you are a martyr as you struggle to understand and integrate the Integral concepts?