Hey group, how are you doing? Well I’m going through amazing times. My life in the course of 4 weeks has completely changed. It’s been amazing. Painful, joyful heartbreaking! Profound, scary. Beautiful and such a gift. 4 weeks ago I began to have extremely bad bowel movements with lots of blood. This had happened before. What I did in those times was to rely on yoga, ayurveda and meditation to rebalance my system. However, I didn’t go far enough. I didn’t address core issues of my subconscious and shadow. I wasn’t expressing anger and dealing with life on life’s terms. I spent my formative years growing up in a dysfunctional family that was traumatised and yet functioning. It was quite insidious and at the same time it could be loving but in a ill awkward way. Many members of my family exhibited post-traumatic stress disorder, narcissistic personality disorder and I never really felt part of that family to compensate as a child and to regulate my nervous system I developed an addiction to to masturbation. This pleasure seeking was a keynote throughout my life and I developed other addictions including alcoholism and prescription drugs marijuana pornography self harm and eating disorders and probably lots of others that I haven’t noticed yet. I became an alcoholic in my 30s and through a 12-step group. I took back my life from that addiction and begin to realise I was actually waking up. This waking up was amazing, but it was continuously dragged down into the unconscious by triggers of my unprocessed subconscious the is process was tantric and very energetic and I use the kundalini narrative to understand it. It’s a much maligned narrative that I believe many people wrongly believe to be a new age phnomenon that they think to be connected to kundalini yoga . But in truth kundalini is the very creative driving force of consciousness and it’s evolution and central quite literally to tantric Buddhism it’s just not called by that name and kundalini is the very mechanism of all awakening and the clearing out and growing up in fact all of life is the spontaneous creativity of Shakti . You yourself are likely to be having a kundalini rising of some sort if you are interested in spirituality and the awakening process.
The last t 8 years have been dedicated to looking after my mother Sue was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in 2014 and since then I’ve been looking after her for the first two years of those 10 years I was in drink and treated her badly stole money took drugs. Frequented brothels my mental health was always in question but the abuse I put myself through made me very ill and I started to take prescription medication for those problems .which in itself became a much bigger problem. I was basically a problem at the doctors Got rid of by prescribing medication and I quickly became addicted to my medication and in a vicious cycle where I need to remain mentally ill to obtain benefits and medication. going through the 12 steps i was able to stop all my medication and to take out my life back in many ways from the state. For the last 9 years, the spiritual process to making all of my life a yoga and looking after my mum was Central to this and I spent many happy years taking her out keeping her in the living world enjoy trips to cafes or villages and just having a nice time sadly her illness changed her she became violent and aggressive bad natured incredibly negative and difficult to be around what amazing spiritual practise it was . I persevered went through lockdown with her. Managed to stay sane I’ve learnt so much . the disease progressed she began to find walking and talking difficult and then 2 years ago she had a seizure which seemed to last forever and I thought she would die but she didn’t but it did leave her. Unable to walk. Unable to talk and completely reliant on me for 2 years. In this time by far the most difficult was dealing with family members the carers the structure of the state and the NHS service , as you wake up you begin to see how the construction of society is holding us back and the state seems to believe it owns you and that in some way we are all enslaved to a pathological unconscious machine. which I found really challenging, . Also, in this time I didn’t really address many of the problems I had as an alcoholic. I still spent money and there was no tomorrow and lived hand to mouth on small amount of state benefit given io me by the state (still a slave)for looking after the my mum and my mom’s pension and savings which I wasn’t blowing on drugs or alcohol any more just food . Many of the childhood development problems were still prevalent and still are and are ignored. Many of the mental attributes created the dysfunctional life I used to live meaning I still was living a dysfunctional life but I have had deep spiritual experiences of mystical encounters with one Ness .however I am not putting the practical work in to make me live and embodied happy functioning life in their world I am not growing up and can’t really show up as I am so flaky and my energy has been put into waking up maybe chasing the states of bliss I am having. Then I became interested in the work ken wilber and Integral theory. It is very academic and oddly seems rather unbalanced All be it unbalanced self . But the growing up and showing up aspects made complete sense to me and many other aspects were ones my awakening mind had found independently but not in such a structured way . Part of my integration with the universal self has been to reintegrate parts of the human evolution stages. I realigned my life with nature and the natural cycles and those parts of our evolutionary past we sadly discarded rather than included. This helped my mental and physical health so much I listen to my body and it’s needs , know what to eat to heal and my intuition can be very good. Sadly the system and people who livr in that system without knowing it’s there find this behaviour odd and it in some way seems a threat to their very identity. But I lived a life were I was happy and seldom caught viruses and could deal with lifes adversities with a happy heart and faced the challenges , most of the time . But the state of my digestion and that lower area of my physicality has always been a problem and this is connected to the sacral chakra and that age of my childhood development. The illness four nearly five weeks ago became so ill that I was having 8 to 10 horrendous bowel movements a day , losing lots of blood and liquid and not absorbing any nutrients from the food I was now struggling to cook and prepare. I struggled Looking after my mother and my home and my aging dog who was also as doubly incontinent as my mum even with the 20hrs of help I received from somewhat inadequate carers. I eventually went to our NHS for help out of desperation and compelled to by my brother’s. I eventually after blood tests they said I would need to admitted to hospital. I then realised what I had to do to go to hospital. I would have to put my mother into care and find and come up with a solution for Rosie our dog and companion and huge influence and support through the last 13 years of megalithic change and anguish. Putting my mum into care was a massive undertaking and I had to do so much as I fell from one task to the other feeling like I was incredibly ill and exhausted and with unhelpful pressure and awkward support from my brothers. Eventually everything was put into place the night before I was going to be hospitalised. A private ambulance would arrive I would use a hoist to put her onto a stretcher and I would go to hospital. Our dear friend Rosie who was really struggling with arthritis double incontinence and a confused state of mind had to put to sleep the night before I was admitted she was completely reliant on me and the stress would of been to much. It was a peaceful event that happened at home , I let her body rest the night and her body taken away moments before the ambulance arrived. It was such a sad event saying good bye to my mum . I understood what it meant for her wellbeing but I also understood I was physically unable to carry on looking after her even though I had always promised I would life had other plans. my brother took me to hospital. Here an epic saga began which is a book in it’s self. Everything about the system was so unintegrated so unnatural so unhealing so unconscious so unloving .I had the most amazing time and the deepest most beautiful experiences. I knew my life was changing massively. My role in life , my mother and two best friends and close family were gone. My home and my source of income and security gone my future plans gone and I have nothing in ways of financial savings to fund it. Just amazing friends who fed me through the time as hospital and kept me sane and a faith that this needs to happen and it helped me connected deeper to our source and in many other ways I am still coming to terms with…a massive does of you will grow up I am now discharged from hospital and having to navigate the knew worl I find myself in and dealing with so .uch when I know I need to rest I thought of joining an ashram but need to eat meat and can’t commit to vows or physical work…now I am reaching out to you community . I need to change I need to create a future a new life rebuild myself physically overcome an illness that western medicine has painted a concrete and unhappy prognosis of I want to shine to live a life of service and be a joyful torch that is a small part of bringing humanity out of this dark chapter of its existence… Here on integral life I have found amazing talented people who are at the top of their fields and amazingly academically gifted and so different from myself who never finished high school never had a career a relationship a home . I wonder how your skills could help me in this hour of need . I hope the story was readable and that I managed to express my self adequately . I thank you for reading. I am not desperately grasping for help or sympathy I hopefully using all the resources I have at my availability to make the universe a better place by improving myself. Thank you
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Omg I hope you’re ok I’m going to come back and re read this soon
5 years ago someone mentioned going to AA meetings to me so that’s where I went
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I am not one of those amazing talented people who are at the top of their fields you are hoping for and I don’t feel I am in a place to give advice. You doubtless have a lot of skills and resources yourself to have managed to keep sane throughout these experiences.
Something in your story made me think about the German New Medicine, which I find a very interesting take on the nature and function of diseases. But it is very controversial and some of its proponents are too much interested in conspiracy theories. I am still unsure if it is real science or phantasy but it has given me trust in my bodies capacity to heal.
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Well I got better. Life has been incredibly kind to me and I have had an amazing experience and I am very grateful to this episode of my life. As I thought there is something really unbalanced about integral theory and integral life as a community, there isn’t really much community. Thank you to those who did reach out and I wish everyone here well but I think I will look else were for community and a place to call home good luck in your journey deeper into your hearts
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