I am unsure how to type all of this coherently without support and going through my life currently is rough because there are a lot of personal issues that I’ve built up thanks to my upbringing etc. Also, thanks to the glee of other people and non-acceptance of their differences.
Again I currently feel very weird and studying integral theorie is quite dense. I feel that a lot of pain and that this antagonism against black people especially is coming back and that I am contribuiting to it.
I often hear voices and I talked to Shinzen Young in a life practice programm so, incase anyone is interested they can find the talk and join the programm. The point is that I am currently going through a lot and I want to ask for help.
I did a meditation retreat this weekend via zoom and there was a person who was disabled. I was put into the room and we guided each other and created a save place for each other. Which is fine I noticed that the disabled person had done a lot of practice and through facilitating him we all could see that brining equanimity and acceptance to each other further facilitates working through painful experiences. Shinzen for e.g talks about how resistance and pain is multiplied by no having enough equanmity. Now I had a decent amount of judgement when I saw the disabled person, because of my culture and there love towards glee. Which is utterly disgusting in a sense.
The disabled person was a better and more experienced meditator then me and allowed me even to dive deeper into my meditation which was weird. Because I legit feel hex-coded.
This is what I mean as an Enneagram Type 4 my experience is so deep I find it difficult to relate to other and sharing and resolving these issues makes it difficult to see. It’s depth.
Now again I am going through a lot the retreat helped me and I was able to release a lot of antagonism and rigidity. I feel that a 4th turning of buddihsm what ever that shall be for now is needed.
Again going through live in hyper-speeds might be good for progress, and this is the way to go. Processing past hurts / heart ache / trauma etc. Is important. NOW the big thing for me is that I am being diagnosed as gifted via a partner that I found that work with me sort of this underachiever syndrom. That is present all over my Gen Y generation and the extrem amount of complacency. Which was highly projected upon me for e.g based on my boomer parents.
This is extremly weird for me because the topics that I am interested in are highly scientific and social as well as politically interrealted. I also notice a lot more correlations based on the enneagram and music and frequencies, yet I am unsure if I am deluding myself or if it works. Binaural beats have an extremely strong effect on me personally.
How I am starting again to hear voices and dive deeper and shinzen even said to me breaking golden chains. I don’t know if he makes a joke out of me because he cares or if this is legit based on what I’ve “read” about nelson mandela and martin luther king. To even have a conversation about ancient history /black history/ as well as american history. Is very difficult for Germans because of their past history. Yet, this place sort of combines everthing.
My heart went wide open during this micro weekend retreat and and I poured my heart out and aplogized to people that I’ve wronged and talked about issues that bothered me.
The point is the facilitator gave me the advice to do one thing at a time. Now I am a very vata like / type person. I notice doing one thing at a time is great advice and I follow it with multiple blocks of activities for instance 2h X, 3h Y and record all of my planning and planning process.
Now again I feel very close to tears and all of this pain and heartache that resides in my is churning and being released through crying. I feel like meditating all day and reching a deeper place. I certainly need a competent coach for mindfulness and to give and get support. Yet, I am unsure what to do with this voices experience.
I keep hearing the voice of a person I once loved and longed for and I’ve certainly wronged in a way that is not very harmful. Yet, again I feel love and I had an extremly weird visual phenomenon. Where I noticed that I experienced past lifes in a sense of people who died in my life and I looked for recordings of them. I’ve finished reading ROT and I saw how this is more above a green view and shinzen contextually imo said it’s a makiyo experience and that his is an golden opporunity.
I talked into a camera and into a microphone and started to notice that I heared a completely different experience. Now again can anyone relate to this ? Did anyone here experience something similar with a person who passed away and or was gone out of ones life ?