I am glad that I have come upon this thread because there are many elements here which have spoken to me, some triggers come up and I have also been shown how much I have already been able to understand in my lifetime up until today - at least intellectually.
To me it seems like there is a voice within you that I can so relate to though I might be wrong. I will just speak for my own voice from now on though:
After having come upon INTEGRAL material through my father 5 years ago when I was 15 and had just underwent a huge life change ( I had try to escape my whole life in Austria and go to Ecuador for an exchange year.) I came back and was on what I think is S4 in Kegan terminology and grounded in ORANGE/GREEN, which I had been exposed to from home.
After subconsciously realizing that I could not ‘just escape’ to another place physically but still not connecting to my classmates I become righteously indignant (which suited me as an Enneagram 1) by starting projects that nobody wanted to join me in ‘surprisingly’ and escaped into my new pseudo-integral understanding - or that’s a way that it makes sense to me right now to tell the story. This summer I got in contact with some GREEN people and lived in their resentment to modernity/parallel society world for some time. After that distinguishing between GREEN and TEAL became difficult for I remember even though I talked about Spiral Dyanmics to an NGO in Nepal in the following summer my blog post from back then seems very GREEN to me (https://notonlyvisiting.wordpress.com/2015/10/18/nepal-2015/) especially the takeaways, which were based on experience and not on reading Wilber.
After this time I was again engaged in Integral theory and what I noticed was that I felt I must not be GREEN and I developed aversions to GREEN. My internal judge came up and basically pushed me against all kind of pluralism - I dissociated with a lot of my environment, even GREEN people which was problematic, and I carry this burden with me, as a conditioned reflex to this day. Slowly I have begun to incorporate GREEN but also all the other MEMEs. For example I have found out that most likely one reason why I was so drawn to rap music for some time last year, even though my superego was condemming it, was because I was in the process of incorporating RED power and masculine energy, or that’s the way it makes sense to me.
Looking back on these five years now, I feel that I was trying to come as high up as fast as possible and with some ego involved and a ‘fire in my eyes’ that certainly worked, although there were so many complexes and ego-defenses that I am working through now. However, what brought me here will not bring me further. Now is the time to develop some patience I feel, which is also why I am reconsidering dropping out of what is arguably the most developed university in terms of how they do stuff, seven cities in four years and focusing on cognitive skills from the start, although they are certainly not integral not in content, where they are still rationalizing everything, at least academically. (Minerva KGI)
The way that I think about coming to INTEGRAL or maybe even TURQOUISE, and coming there not just intellectually, now is that it is not an ‘achievement’. It’s not really something to be proud of, which for me back then was certainly the case - it was a way to build up self-esteem for I did not find it through social relations. Now it seems to me that all experience can be a lesson, and not necessarily the lesson that we want, but rather the lesson that we need. For example, so often did I get opportunities for learning to develop out of arrogance and I hope by now I have taken at least some steps on that path.
If I might turn away from this ‘case study of my life’, which apart from just expressing myself, was also the way to be humble and evidence based in the experiences that I do have and that I do not have as a 20 year old.
Now, I hope to try to and speak to you directly and I would say that now that you have come in contact with this website it is unlikely that you will ever be ‘stuck in GREEN’ but maybe coming to integral as quickly as possible is not the most pressing thing right now. Considering that you are already thinking in this way it is unlikely that you will not end up at integral at some point anyways.
I simply pray for you that it is a healthy/integrated integral not the crazy dissonances that I have gone through in the past five yeares and in many ways am still going through as I am writing this as a twenty year old in a college dorm room in Seoul with ORANGE/GREEN all around me and trying to write a paper about self-organizing communities and marrying Spiral Dynamics and complex systems to apply in counter-corruption efforts in Kenya. (My ego likes these past lines and my inner child is again sighing: why am I so restless in this development, what am I still running from?..)