Tired of experiencing things

I’m pretty sure Ken wrote about it once, the inevitable tiring of experiencing things. I think he said it about the casual level of awareness, though I don’t claim to be at the causal level of awareness.

What I do claim, however, is that I feel tired of trying to do anything, go anywhere or become anyone. I’ve meditated for 20 years and have never suffered the depth of what I’m suffering now.

I thought the meditative path would be joyful and full of energy when I was younger. Now I wish I’d never chosen this path. I used to be excited to live. I used to have dreams, hopes and aspirations. Now I just want to be and to pray. And even that isn’t enough to get me going.

The only thing I can think to do is pray and meditate more. But the prayers have shifted to asking God to take away this pain and to give my life and purpose and a meaning again.

And I have a feeling the suffering is only going to get deeper and there’s really no escape after all.

Thank you for reading this. Please pray for me. Thank you, Kelley

During these dark times continue to breath and know that this too shall pass. You’re not alone in this journey and many of us are feeling hopeless and frustrated. Try to remember that at the end of the “Dark Night of the Soul” is an awakening and lightness of body, a transformation that carries with it a depth of strength and wisdom that no one can ever take from you!


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My case is slightly parallel - not really the same - but for what it’s worth …

A couple years ago I was planning a very conventional sort of retirement. Bucket list stuff. Go here, do that, see that thing over there. It was all about the travel arrangements, basically. Somehow a couple years ago the depth dimension of awareness starting opening up, and what I’ve noticed lately, is a lot of energy and imagination that used to go into geography-based travel fantasies is now going in other directions. I’m not as concerned with how many miles on the hike, or seeing every place there is to see. I’m not anywhere near dark night of the soul territory, however. I still live in the world and enjoy the world, but places and things are not just places and things anymore.


Hi Kelley, that does sound like the Dark Night of the Soul, or the dark night of the I. You have written a short story of yourself in the post, a short story of I. To transcend the I, the story needs to relax a little. ´Relax´ not like a body relaxes on a chair and lets a tension go, ´relax´ as in loosening the focus of your attention on the story of I.

If you re-read your post, you will see that I is in every sentence, everywhere. I is in great pain, I is suffering, I is tired of experiencing. Try to re-write your post: where there is ´I feel tired´ replace it with ´I feels tired´ , where you wrote ´I am suffering ´ substitute it with ´I is suffering´ . You are living and looking through the conditioned I; I as the subject. Take a look at the I. Instead of looking through it, look at it, as Ken advises. Take a look at that I from outside - turn I into an object. You will see that the I set a goal 20 years ago to get to a happy place through practice, mediation and discipline. The I made a mental picture of what the result would look like and got excited in the anticipation of that result. But the result is not coming. No kidding I is exhausted, frustrated and wants to get out of the situation. Ask the I how did it know what the result would look like? Did it read it in a book, or heard from someone? Who set the I’s expectations? Remind the I that the path, that the I now wishes it never set foot on, is about the trip itself, not about the result. Remind the I that meditation is only a practice; knowledge helps a great deal too.

That I is the psychologically conditioned matter, it is the stuff from which the development happens, spiritual and non-spiritual alike. If you re-write your post from the 3rd person perspective and re-read it, what you are looking at is a type-structure, it is a point of view, a story. That psychologically conditioned I is only one of the two selves that you have. And that one I, the conditioned matter, has usurped the focus of attention and directs it onto its current experience of the Dark Night of the Soul. Tough spot.

Maybe suggest to the I know that a purpose that it is looking for is to learn to notice where the focus of attention is. Wherever you place the attention, it will illuminate that part of reality, and the rest will fade out. Where is the focus of your attention now? If you are drifting from the thoughts to the feelings to the memories to imagination, you are placing the focus of attention on the story of the I, the spinning wheel of samsara. Your spiritual journey calls for the relaxation of the story, a shift in the focus of attention. If you can shift it onto the going ons of the I and look at as an object, in the moment, from a different vantage point, a transformation is on the way.


Hi Irina. This honestly sounds more like dissociation than “rewriting a story”.

I didn’t understand much of what you said. But thank you?

Kelly, What I got from Irina’s post was an invitation to not identify with all the drama. “Dissociation” seems to put an unnecessary negative spin on it. Much has been written about forms of meditation focused on learning how to watch thoughts and feelings as a movie, fleeting clouds, which can be viewed as dis-identifying, objectifying, even “dissociating.” To understand this would mean having to let go of familiar and favorite suffering.

Good luck.

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I don’t see this as “drama”, I see it as suffering, legitimate suffering. And I also don’t see myself as identifying with the suffering. It is happening.

As far as “negative spin”, it doesn’t feel like Irina understood anything of what I said. I’ve had problems with witnessing emotions instead of working through them in the past. If it’s negative to protect myself against more suffering, so be it.

What do you mean, “favorite suffering”? Are you suggesting I want this? Maybe you could enlighten me on that one.

Hi Kelly. I gave it a shot, apparently not helpful. Sorry.

Again, good luck to you.

No worries. Thank you for reading it and trying to relate anyway.

Hi Kelley,

if it´s any help, here are some references in Ken´s works that may be useful:
A Brief History of Everything - Ch13. Realms of the Superconscious - Part 2, p.198
The Religion of Tomorrow - Part Two, Ch5 - The Supracausal Empty Witness, p.159

And a big hug, buddy. We are all in it together! (referring to the evolution)


Absolutely. Thank you.

This also exists at lower levels. It’s the theme of Novels such as “The Unbearable Lightness of Being” and “The Sun Also Rises”, among others. The characters of these books are not at the causal level, yet they experience what you are describing.

The two urges within all of us constantly war against each other: being vs doing. There is a tendency for the western mind to judge one "good’ and the other “bad”, only to schizophrenically swap the two and label the other good and the other bad.

It’s the judgement of self and others where the suffering begins. It is good to meditate like a master and be at peace and I cannot, so therefore I am “less than”. It is good to make grand accomplishments in life and I am not doing so, therefore I am “less than”. Whichever path you chose, you will only be able to be on one side in any given moment and the stronger one’s nature to judge, the more one will judge oneself no matter which path is taken.

Be gentle to both aspects of yourself. The body-mind self is not higher nor lower in value than the spirit self. Have compassion for and enjoy both aspects as they dance with each other through life. First one leading then the other. To attempt to exile one side is essentially self-harm, as if you cut off your head or your body because it offended the other.

Hello Kelly,

After being completely devoted to my spiritual path for 20 years and experiencing many breakthroughs including extended periods (3 months) of no-self awareness, clinical depression struck. I apparently inherited it from my mother who succumbed to the condition at the age of 48.

If you believe your condition could be clinical depression I can offer my experience and how I made it through. I did end up having stabilized access to non-dual consciousness after what I would call a nervous break-down. There’s more to the story that might help you. Who knows?

No matter what, I will pray for you.


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I’ve tried everything at this point, Craig. ECT, traditional drugs, therapy, hospitalizations. Now I’m on ketamine and seeing a therapist. Just hope I can break through this before something bad happens.

Thank you for the prayers

I know the pain. I hope you can break through. I wish I could be with you, just be there and tell you that I understand.

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It’s funny. It’s what I need the most right now. Just presence. Thank you

Contact me anytime and I will be present with you. Just being together.