Indigo Issues. Third-tier dysfunctions

Reflections
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Hi All,

I have quite a bit of drama going on in my otherwise totally carefree life. And it’s all caused by meditation. (I only meditate a couple of minutes per day now, as the aftereffects are too intense.)

As far as I can tell, I now have three forms of suffering. In order of rank, from most to least, they are as follows:

1. Fear of loss of control / confusion (big issue).

  1. Fear of death (minor issue that seems to have cropped up).

  2. Fear of not finding a soulmate (very minor issue–shadow material being sorted).

NB. Third eye is open, but possibly migrating north.

I’m not so much interested in discussing Points 2 and 3. I am just supplying those fears so that others may judge me and get some context as to what state / structure I’m at, and whether those dysfunctions might be co-contributing to Point 1.

So, my big issue is loss of control, which comes in two parts:

Part A: My identity is totally confused right now, and I feel like I’m not in control of it. Am I the expansive infinite awareness, which seems to be growing more and more potent every time I meditate; or am I literally the outside world? My identity seems to be torn between the two on a near-permanent basis, and it’s a source of frequent suffering.

Part B: Following from Part A, I have this growing feeling that I am the literal cause of my entire experience. For instance, when I sit in infinite awareness, a type of nonduality occurs whereby I am 100% sure that the total sum of my experience is me. I am the originator of everything that I see, feel, touch, taste, hear, think, etc. The origin is not the outside world, it’s me (whatever I am–refer to my confusion at Part A). And this causes further confusion in me, because it seems that I can, in theory, induce any emotion I want, right? I can see whatever I want to see. But then this doesn’t seem right. Surely there is an independent outside world that contributes, at least in part, to my lived experience, right?

I would be most appreciative of any help I can receive. Or perhaps there are some other online forums that handle these types of Tier 3 dysfunctions, or real-world organisations? I live in Australia but I am happy to travel internationally if it would benefit my situation.

Of course, if I asked these types of questions to a mainstream mental health worker I would likely find myself on antipsychotic medication and possibly in a mental institution. I simply cannot talk about these types of issues with anyone in my life.

Kind regards,
Michael.

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Hi Sidra,

Thanks for your reply.

Blockquote Who was in control when you composed your post? > Blockquote

I’m not really sure. It’s a real rollercoaster ride of vantage points at the moment.

Yes, I confess that I am one of those peacetime neurotics. “Leisurely self-obsession” has been the hallmark of my life. And it was all going smoothly until I hit a particular height of consciousness and seemingly broke my reality in half.

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Hey Michael,

I feel like I can relate with some things in this direction, even if not exactly the same. And I really understand the potential stress and daunting-ness of not being able to discuss this stuff with mental health professionals or other people in general.

I’d be happy to try to chat and see if it’s beneficial at all, though I’m more comfortable talking one on one. So feel free to send me a private message here if you like.

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Hi Edward,

I will definitely accept your kind offer and send you a private message. I’m looking forward to chatting to you as this is mostly a lonesome experience.

Just for the public record, and for anyone else reading this, and having similar dysfunctions, I wanted to add something else to my original post, which I forgot to mention because I wrote the original post in haste.

The nondual-type vantage that occurs in meditation (when I sit in infinite awareness) is starting to crop up in everyday life. Mostly it’s a blissful experience, but it is interwoven with periods of terror.

[Background: I had to present to the emergency department of my local hospital about 10 days ago. I was experiencing extreme terror / anxiety / acute depression for the first time in my life. In retrospect, I think it was an excellent learning experience in terms of being able to understand those particular forms of suffering, which many experience on a more chronic basis unfortunately. My blood pressure was elevated, I was shaking, my fight or flight response was engaged (for about 3 hours!), my mind invoked depersonalisation as a type of protection mechanism; and I informed my Dr that I would rather be dead than go on like this. The Dr was an empathetic man and was determined to get to the bottom of the situation. This resulted in a host of blood tests and 3D brain imaging. The medical intervention failed to detect the cause of the issues (I don’t have a brain tumour), and this is why in my first post I mentioned that all my problems appear to be self-caused through meditation in what has otherwise been a relatively carefree life. Thankfully the symptoms, on the more extreme end of the spectrum, appear to have resolved (for now), through personal shadow work, but I can see that they’re not far away. They’re a constant threat if I am not vigilant.]

I assume this is my ego reacting to the situation (dark night of the self?).

This nondual-type vantage I mentioned at the beginning of the message is highly transpersonal, in the sense that it is a genuine realisation (merging) that the infinite awareness in me is not separate from the infinite awareness in other people / animals / etc. The separation is an illusion only. This realisation often coincides with an intensely rich experience of life. My perspective broadens and merges into the perspective of others. I really l love it and wish everyone could experience it. My confidence elevates in a non-egoic way and I can navigate social dynamics with near-clairvoyant ease. I believe I am beginning to get a mild taste of what life feels like at the higher levels of Tier 3, but I am very much at the lower levels right now and very much floundering.

Anyway, maybe this extra information can be of benefit to someone, somewhere around the world, who is experiencing some form of Indigo dysfunction. You are not alone and if you want to message me I would love to chat, both for my own benefit and potentially yours.

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Edward, I can’t seem to find a way to private message you here. I’m a new user and perhaps my functionality is limited? Regards, Michael.

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i just tried sending you a message from my end. if you don’t receive it or see it, feel free to post here again so we can figure it out.

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