Integral Journal (once3800)

[once3800]

I thought about creating a journal here, where I can post and write about integral content without beign dehumanized and relaying my experience as a black/white individual in Germany, fundamentally working and living in Teal, I am currently exhausted from all the stuff that happened and barely get any support, and I can’t write down everything into a journal and not speak to others about it. I lost all of my friends, my relationships have been severely unsatisfiying ever since I hit Tier2, and I miss proper refelection in some way, where I feel that I am part of it, joining some integral sessions it has been odd, as I notice that I am the only one like me, and many of the problems others seem to have I already solved for me in some way, for me the main issue is survival and the issue of family, societal systems and relationships with Tier1 and even Tier2 human beigns, as my situation is super unique and I don’t really know what to do anymore, besides sharing focusing on progress effort and improvement, yet I need a healthy social space to some extend.

What I currently want to write about are relationships and the dynamic it takes (Horizon 4 IIRC in new AQAL) and the struggles I face with academia and sexual relationships. I also would love to train my vagus to be more positive I’ve been doing gratitude exercises for 8 years and moved myself out of heavy negativity (or even longer I can’t tell) and this has been the biggest manifestor for abundance, good health and better pro-social relationships. Dr Keith Witts course is fantastic, yet I seem to be unable to attract the type of women that does well to me, and structurally it has become increasingly difficult, due to the heavy focus on money, status and women having many degree’s which sort of inflates ego partially, and creates higher status even if the degree has less value for example, and I am super unsatisfied with my first degree even though, it should earn me easily 100-200k per year in the U.S, yet not here in Germany everything is made “medicore” and I have to find some way to earn a higher income… and success is currently extremely important again, yet I keep attracting stage orange blood suckers, idk how to fix this entirely besides playing them… and I don’t enjoy it at times, and I am also overly critical at times anyhow.

What I want to write about, what is the goal?

• Relationships and the Dr. Keith Witt course and the insights I have been gathering (I can’t post everything and the course is so dense I do most of the work offline and I meditate 1h each session I am listening to etc.)

• Be more attuned to integral content when I don’t have money, I lost 12k due to trusting a relationship, I am financially intelligent, yet struggle with social relationships which can lead to escapism and slight addictions such as coffee and cannabis as self-sabotage

• Find a safe space to write stuff, I don’t have peer that look like me and have a similar situation to me, there are not many human beigns (and I am doing my best to let go of that identity also…) who’ve had a similar upbringing, there are some yet they have large local shadows at times, due to the regions blue/white underbelly and I moved regions to a more stronger solid orange space. (Germany is imo not very developed)

• Write about personal development content and improve my life, asking myself the question how will my behaviour change after XYZ information etc. writting about the progress and effort in doing so.

What have I been up to?

After multiple deaths within my family, my (black) american uncle reached out to me and spoke to my heart, I keep crying as I did not see my father for 19 years now or so, and it has been partially heart breaking, emotional mastery has been a goal in my 20’s and I focused first on Marc Aurcel etc. and mindfulness meditation which helped me tremendously to become more aware and in control of my emotions.

Now at 30 this is what happend and what I am going through partially:

1. Healing trauma from parenting without a 3-2-1 processes, just mindfulness and journaling currently and mental 3-2-1 if I find strength.

2. I was diagnosed with knee arthrithis due to a valgus in my knee/leg and been working out, stretching , testing Yoga spaces and found solutions via food and physical modalities mostly

3. Finding strength in social spaces, most of my friends left me as there somehow was no connection anymore everything I had to initiate, the “good spirit” which I generated through exercise, success and exellence is mostly gone and the old more blue/orange friends are dead practically. (cognitive not they are higher, the emotional line is the issue)

4. Studying at top 30 university with CalTech lectures and having worked briefly as A.I Architect at one of the best companies having my first gf, getting fired and loosing gf, as mother had an operation and I did not find anyone to speak about the old issues that were still present and not fully healed, the relationship healed stuff.

5. Finding ways to make money and increase my income, I am financially smart, yet I have issues with it in relationship with others, and I want to change my money psychology and write about the progress and successes here, I lost 12k practically by consuming to much cannabis, as my mother is emotionally flat (old psychologist agreed)

6. Going through stupid court cases, and having to deal with a partially corrupt neighbour… it’s just stupid I lost it once, for the first time and it was just to much, the stage green “helplings” of Germany are dogooders who are ineffective to me mostly, besides for empathy and sex, this is how they heal more is not possible I had to realize as they lack nuance and complexity, to deal with the internal issues I am having at times.

7. Just more personal development stuff, I hope I can make a weekly or monthly post and share some stuff, about progress with courses etc. As I do a lot of internal work, yet I need also spaces to make it external, as I lost a lot of friends and I spoke with them about it, yet it also became an issue at one point where I need to work on more non-violent communication.

8. Progress in the gym I am still commited to do backflips and I am training for handstand push-ups and it has been going great as of lately as I focus on flexibility and strength and not endurance and strenght or HIT exericses in that sense, and my physical issues are practically gone, yet the emotions are surfacing of what is beneath it, the stretching is sort of auto-healing it:

That is mainly it I track progress in other areas, I am doing my best to be as meticulous as possible, yet I struggle with shame around that area and perfectonism, so I am letting go and including more gratitude, mindfulness and practicality in that area, also wisdom from Deepak Chopra as it just calms me down and makes me more succesful.

I realized I can only be succesful in live when I orient my life towards spirituality, which is odd and I struggle with the materalistic side of things or just the “pain of creating objects”, ego is very painful I do my best to learn from it, I really yearn to speak with Dr. Keith Witt about some issues that have been plaguing me, yet the videos and courses give many anwers, and honestly I just yearn to have an excellent and awesome girlfriend, who is open to do these modalities with healing and can endure also a “tech materalistic lifestyle” as I don’t mind my normal orange, it’s the excessiveness of materalism and the “frugality and shaming” of european class based thinking and nagging small T traumas from family that has been blocking me partially. I might also do some 3-2-1 processes.

I would appreciate it if you’d leave most of my posts, alone I journaled online before, and it has been tremendously helpful till someone wrote negative comments etc. or attacked me because of skin color etc. I think the moderation here is better, I know it’s not part of the container (Horizon 7) of the website, yet I hope it’s okay that I do this, as it’s highly practical and I barely see anyone doing this besides the few freaks I meet at actualized.org and this is the exact website I want to stay clear of and write about here, I self-banned myself as it was just to much, and I have an addictive personality to some extend, and it was just the smart choice as the negativity was heavy. I also have more positive conicidences here and generally with all of this… my content I bet was a huge part of Leo Guras video creation part as I followed him for 10 years and was at the forum for 8 and I am feed up with the guy and how he treats humans, he is doing good work, yet I am dealing with humans in my real life and I appreciated the zen type approach spirit warrior or shapeshifter I like to call myself from Dr. Keith Witt, and other more martial arts and physical oriented human beigns. I am going to be frank the guy did not do enough exercise and sports in order for me to see him as a man, and this has been the biggest integration for me for my own masculinity, especially divine masculinity and feminity. I hope I can soon join integral and as soon as I move to the U.S I will definitely check it out as well as I can. Thank you in advance!

[once3800]

Yes, this is deeply neccessary Leo gura is an extremely immature man to me and I’ve had experiences where I would speak at best with Dr.Keith Witt or for example someone who is as open as my last psychologist in order to digest some experiences. I need more clean and healthy ways to get what I want I can’t deal with juvenile adults, and I just focus on wisdom etc. from Deepak Chopra and Shinzen Young at this point and disregard the guy completely. It’s a huge issue that I followed him, even if his content and structure is good. So I am using this like Shinzen said take the teachings and run! So I am doing that IIRC this was Shinzen.

I will most likely post often, as I know my journal tendencies as a Gemini to dive into a bit of purple contemplations as this has been somehow a core stability creator for my relationships, and also is the starting point of wonder etc. for spirituality. Currently I am facing again slight online discrimination in study rooms, mostly from Indians and Asian people, so I am searching for ways of dealing with this, and I just will share stories etc.

For example just bad looks, and I get feelings of inadequacies where I am working on that with daily meditations and positive relationships, especially recalling successes and having a gratitude journal. This might even be better, than the structure I created in notion, as the humans here are older and more mature than on actualized.org and the guy is abusive imo and I don’t feel well at times engaging with him and I want to include some shadows etc. While going a bit more slow and focusing on my uniquness and focusing on exellence and positive charateristics, I am going to be very frank and open with myself and share that with others, as this has been a key for transformation beign vulnerable, yet the Andrew Tate backlash and current society and just seeing my dating algorithm shows me fuck I need to manifest things for real and I did for example (red haired girl with green eyes I thought this was a joke I instant manifested this) and other good coincidences my main goal is to get as close to spirit and consciouness as I can as a human beign. I am looking forward to buying and reading Kens new book as I am practicing expansion and contraction meditation from Shinzen whenever I find the intutive space to include it like Yin Water I currently see it, I am making new friends from China and other new friends and that has been going well!

I did multiple courses from here including the Enneagram course and Integral Mindulness (besides stage TQ exercise) and I generally experience reality very high, yet I struggle the most with orange/blue developmental line in Horizion 7 & 8 most likely, as I legit face some of these issues and it’s exhausting my family has enough issues, so yeah. Looking for ways to create more stability I have a degree etc. yet what happend with me internally idk, and I really need competent help and not cheap stage green facilitators they are causing more small T responses and the vulnerabillity is to exessive from my Yellow POV where I head to the gym and do my shadow work at one point…so yeah… I hope I can find some like-minded people here at one point who are approx. my age or I can just vibe with…

[once3800]

The study groups online have been going well as of today, there are slight insecurities, yet the overall structure is very good when I avoid the discriminatory type of vibes I get when I am to long in a group, how will my behaviour change after this post in terms of conducting projects and studying online?

I will make an effort when I study to turn of ambient music as it has somehow become increasingly annoying to concentrate. I will record progress here, doing it solo or with a friend etc. has not been working an online space worked well. Doing my daily conditioning practice and going to the gym…

An example of my weaving in & out of PD practices on blank state journals from the Keith Witt course:

Exercise #2

• We do an attunement exercise with our kid or a kid we know (self, then kid—you always put your own oxygen mask on first). Do this exercise at least once a day for the next week and write what happens and what you learned from these conscious attunements. Share this with your spouse or another parent.

Attuenment = What is the human beign feeling, thinking, sensing and experiencing we are attuning to their empathy the old putting on their shoe, mindful attunement what is the kid feeling, perceiving, thinking and sensing?

→ Currently I am feeling a strong connection to myself and just beign aware I simply would be attuned to the kids needs if it had any and curious and open, as an attunemen

An example of what I weaved in from another book I did when I was following integral more closely:

→ I am grateful and happy because: (Horizon 1 & 2)
→ What Success & Opportunities did I enjoy today and of recently lately? (Horizon 1)
(huge for orange exellence drive from the integral mindfulness course, this is still a huge drive, but I digested a lot on the treadmill)

Another Keith Witt snippit that has done me well:

What healthy activities, choices, thoughts, actions and restraints did I do and upheld? (Very good for Horizon 5 in Doing)

This is sort of the structure I fill this stuff out after 1h meditation… usually…

[once3800]

I am back from the gym, my hand is injured after falling doing handstand push-ups I am athletically quite good and I was able to almost do it after 3 attempts, got to happy while still angry about 10x situations and feel and I thought I would break my neck, after this I just said god just take me … after what happend recently (I almost died on the Autobahn as my car beign weird and I lost control), I have to check in with a couple of german authorities in order to fix some stuff about students loan which is relatively cheap, the money I received from the inheritance and I invested I made 2.1-2.5k profit approx. from investing 5k, or even more in the last couple of years IIRC I started investing in 2021 and had to change strategies than I made money… I stopped working in 2024 as I made more money from my 5K investments than I made at work and for the first time I had a girlfriend at 29. I’ve been going out since I was 14 as German culture is very different and it’s just currently an odditiy to consider stuff. I don’t really know what to think anymore at times. I lost all that money due to coping with the relationship, gas, buying stuff and cannabis tbh IDK how all of that money suddenly went puff in 2 months, it was mostly due to buying cannabis and gas money, yet I enjoyed the relationship with my girlfriend to much and I really needed healing and rest and this was just very good for me to recharge myself. I noticed a lot, and I notice how careless I have been with money, yet it’s a huge mindset issue and projection issue, I hope I fully fix another day, I am good with money usually, yet I tend to overspend when I have fun and I enjoy spending money on others… not so much on myself I am more frugal there…

Anyhow, I am coping with arthritis and just had a clear moment, I have to check this morning if the landlord is still doing the illegal activity of not provding hot war 24/7, she sued me and I think it was because of money, similar to the ex the energy was odd and she is an abusive I’ll overweight “capricous” old grandma with 10K illnesses I can’t even have a pet, and it’s a disgusting little Nazi to me, to be frank. She is not there currently idk what happened, yet now I have to face all of this b.s while she subtely manipulated etc. For example leaving the washing machine on and letting it beep for an entire hour at 10pm when I sleep close to the washing room of her. I told her she stopped, yet she was angry and complained I did this for X amount of years and Y never complained etc. She offered me her nephew? When I first arrived claiming he played with the previous tennent and I was full in shock saying yes, it’s odd to offer a part of your family to someone random, yet this is social Germany…

I am still giving my best to not attract these type of humans who have 10k sicknesses, and my German family is entirely ill with some kind of condition. My black uncle wrote for the first time to me and the exchange in wisdom is apparent… I don’t really belong in my German or American “straight biological” family both of my parents are immature kids, and are in denial of their heavy addiction patterns. I am doing my best to learn here.

I am out for now…

[once3800]

I woke up after resting a bit I am going to meditate for 1h, and do my new routine. I did the healthy habit from the loving completely course and just got some fresh air outside, when I wake up and made my bed. I am contemplating how neglitent my German family has been and they are biased and discriminatory as hell partially, and I don’t like it that my father choose my mother has a women. I am partially disgusted with him and with her even more. I don’t quite know how to get over it, and I was abusive after realizing ah wow it was her again, and I am not blaming it’s legit reality of her beign and using language that is emotionally violent by tone, and she does not get that as she is consistently angry and bitter and projected that onto me. I am getting rid of this pain body ever since, as for me this is physical partially, due to the scar I have since birth and I can’t tell at times if it is the energy of others or the energy of me that has this, tbh. Ever since I am out of my old region this energy is not there anymore I am HSP and there are new studies beign conducted by German scientists and they show this on TV (i c via internet at times) where they show and explain HSP out of a phenomological first person perspective and ask each person how they perceive it etc.

My neighbour I tested and the students law help thingy ( I am 30 and don’t enjoy many things I want some sort of payback for my parents or their death and money for what they did so I can finally heal, I am healing anyway I am disgusted with their practices and their overcaring and overneglect at times)

I was swimming and dancing with 2, and went to music school with 2 (dancing and then playing instruments) my father grew up in Marshal, Texas born 1962 that should say enough for intelligent humans on this plattform how appaled I am with existence and eventually just Germans as I bet there are tons of Germans, and my father was generationally trauma bonding with my mother, as he does not seem to be the most “prudent”, my uncle I contacted for the first time seems like an intelligent I might even say integral human beign, he seems more integrated than some of the people I saw here, and I know his son is doing well, he married a philipino girl and I have a black/philipino cousin which I think is very cool, my ex in Germany had a black/philipino ex, coincidene? I don’t think so… the universe did this on purpose and I sort of failed the test, yet I show you what sort of the universe is testing me with.

So, I woke up at 5am this morning to check the water and I had the impression this fat landlord brat with 80 keeps following me and her bedroom I think is above my shower in the morning…the water is not regulated as statted by law and she sued me by hygine while I trusted her. I was in her appartement helping her with some craftsman task, and she helped me when my car broke down or with rather minor stuff, not physical labour and she asked me to a favour I agreed to, yet now I am not willing to do anymore. Anyhow, she tortured me than with the illegal washing machine move, and now I have to go to court and explain that she is beign illegal and what she wrote and the lawyer is partially incorrect, and I lost it due to Trump, fragility stuff and unavailability, my ex helped me tremendously as she was deeply loyal in that sense and we both sort of experienced the corruption of family and also at the university, just by bias and arrogance of majority priviledge in liberals, or so called liberals or moderate democrats, yet our voting system is odd and they are sort of being an stage orange regressed tribe from their boomer concerns about energy and sustainabillity, while they don’t really have the education to back up their claims and ideas.

At the company I worked before we worked on an A.I tool that evaluated policies from the humans of the local city and ordered them in that sense, which I thought was a cool idea via LLM’s and I saw the importance of having a moral code, coded into A.I ever since I was 16 I thought about this, due to discrimination and just bias over bias and analysis that is not very deep about potential etc. Sort of if you’re into anime a psycho-pass (it’s still my favorite anime). Right now I am a bit annoyed that I have to go to court and deal with the state, yet I might get a lot of money back through taxes as I get tax priviledges and stuff, yet I am for sure more interested to speak to my uncle for solace and support for my dreams and goals, as I badly want to move to America. Tomorrow I am going to start my new position in Android also coding with A.I more consumer oriented a part of my heart is there, as I worked and lived in China in some online commodity business via Amazon, TaoBao, Alibaba etc. and I really enjoyed it at the end, and after 3-5 months of crueling work and new tasks, they sort of gave me a promotion and I wrote more articles for them, and the company was doing well, I choose also names for their brands and when I found them IIRC they are doing quite well. A bit unsure. Anyhow, this is it for today, the German corruption is unreal and the dating sphere I am not getting into it currently online as it’s to odd, and the algorithms, photos and frame etc. It’s odd. Might post later…

[once3800]

I did my 1h meditation, and the new structures seem to work, there are distractions, yet also focusing on rest is important, I hope I can get back to some level of reading and integration of stuff from Wilber I read R.O.T, yet the experiences and dysfunctions are very advanced, I don’t have a training regiment and I know how approx. and where I land etc. and I also have to be careful right now focusing on my body and health is more important, when my exercises are on point again, I might pursue enlightenment etc. better I was advised to go to Burma for 3 months to get stream entry fast, I sort of flunked that opportunity as I wanted to go to Sadghuru etc. and did prep courses, yet idk what I did. I guess fear of applying and burocracy, I hope I can let go of that…!!!

[once3800]

Today I wasted a lot of time, yet read about intimate communion and finished the weekly exercise from loving completely about parents, recently I realized how unique my life as and I wanted to show you what I am currently doing, as I got into chinese metaphysics a bit and using a.i as a tool etc. I refine my values and took what Leo Gura’s life purpose course provided and upgraded it a bit, as it was not working anymore, I also need a good chinese speaker or reader for questions about my chart at best not at 3.0-3.5 O’Fallon stages, as I won’t really get what they are talking about as I feel the strong cultural and not “metaphysical” aspect of it, it has value it just feels like to much effort and a time waste prompting with GPT, seems way more effective etc. I also received my first compliment for my art, I generated with it, which I highly enjoyed!! I loved that guys art… anyhow! Here is what I did:

8. Leadership
   • Seven Killing (丙 Bing - Yang Fire) - Prosperous

Alignment: The Seven Killing star embodies authority, power, and strong leadership qualities. Bing’s prosperous state supports your cultivation of pure insight and depth of character, enabling you to lead with authenticity and clarity. This star’s energy helps you assert yourself as a leader who is both insightful and powerful.

1. Consciousness/Awareness
   • Hurting Officer (癸 Gui - Yin Water) - Dead (现在 rotation of maturation → should be autumn etc. etc.
   )
   Alignment: The Hurting Officer, despite being in a “dead” state, relates to creativity, intuition, and awareness. This star’s association with water aligns with your pursuit of higher consciousness and deep integration of reality. Even though its influence is subdued, it still resonates with your desire to seek deeper awareness through introspection and intuitive understanding.

My soto zen retreat felt like these two qualities very strongly metal and water, I think many “wood” oriented people also good there, I’ve been contemplating these elements for a while now, and I’d like to strengthen my wood energy, as it’s my wealth star etc. Yet, I take obviously classic western approaches like 7 habits of highly effective people, and sort of use this as a metaphysical scaffolding in order to create deeper horizion 1 and 2 insights. I hope sharing this is cool enough! I won’t stop with this for myself!

As I am practicing with Shinzen techniques I need higher accuracy and I need to speak it’s not very normal to get white light experience and feeling like it moves out of my body like my soul moves out of my body and I feel self-luminous, this easily happens to me with music, exericse and cannabis and when in nature. Sober it’s a bit differentI never had a white light experience sober, besides infront of my eyes during a retreat, yet not inside my body like my soul leaving my body, that was very intesnse and that simple through R&B music, which I did not like, yet started to enjoy the love in there recently and just the good vibes and feelings as apparently this african music keeps popping up and I can’t bear it at times… I somehow crave god… anyhow! Tomorrow/Today is my first work day at new company very happy! Worked hard for it… had detours (“better detours I did not enjoy technically”) trusting my luck, praying to god! Anyhow thank you for reading I am out!!!

[once3800]

Contemplating weird, stuff I hope it will fix itself, currently in Germany the AFD is making tumultous stuff, I can’t really care anymore about as the global right-wing movements have been mentally damaging and caused serious issues for me in my personal life, I was happy Trump got shoot unfortunately they or he missed, I don’t enjoy this guy on the planet. I contemplated also my dating and concluded that 95.5% of women online don’t really deserve children after I have done the course like 4.5% after doing the online dating is fine, most of the guys and girls on theses dating plattforms are horrible.

It’s like they are all searching for a saviour one or the other way, in terms of sex and power or in terms of care and children as well as monetary power. I don’t really know what to do, as my humour is extremely dark, and I’ve been verbally abusive, and when I am not, I am so normal and kind, focusing on the solution of healthy fliritng etc. and watching healthy material at times and not considering this a problem as it will be perpetuated is the best thing, yet at times I wonder why society has become such a degenerate way of living.

My first day at work was beyond fantastic I am super happy, yet the past issues are bothering me, and this is mostly human relationships out of 10 domains, mostly majority priviledge issues, where they realize they have to shut their mouth otherwise, I won’t interact and I am more intelligent and have better awareness after 9 - 10 years of meditation and they have 0 character and charm, and extract value like disgusting leeches and this is mostly older men, as they have to extract value IIRC, some reinforcement algorithm principle explains this, and it’s normal in some way. Otherwise, I am familiar with what I do, I have cool human beigns who are legit human beigns, and it’s nice they all have a girlfriend, yet it’s obvious what type of priviledge you get simply by having a family and get support even from one part. Anyhow, I am somewhere in the limbo releam of dating, and my profile pictures are to feminine after receiving feedback, as well as women are nuts what type of masculinity they project and just going through bazi… sure I get it, yet you’re stupid to activate rebel and warrior + villian archetypes, and expect to get children, or whatever these girls are thinking. I am tired a bit of social capitalism framing women to sort of suck the tit of the state and to produce children, I get such odd gut feelings and impressions only a few girls are even worthy of dating, and I am thinking about new ways to get better mindsets, as I enjoy the more pro-social and real form of interactions so via work/uni and not via online, even though online has a vast array of options. Obviously, if I had the mass abundance some of my friends have and had sure, yet I get such weird matches and interests. Like chinese girls and muslim girls/islam girls are interested in me and barely any white women and or latina. Besides if they are half/half, as most girls are so stereotypical I can just look at stages of O’Fallon and be like 3.0, 4.0, 3.5 etc. and get better at staging and finding better partners, I hope the course fixes the masculine vision part… I don’t know how large it is … yet the injuries have been holding me back.

I am channeling sort of my villian archetype as “Madara” from Naruto in the gym and train handstand push-ups and pure strength and flexibility and I have good ideas, even though I will look like Naruto the idiot, and I got more conscious tools as they are the ones who aid me from the hells of orange/blue frustration and identity “I want to be American but I am not so I am a petty little german girl” stuff, idk it’s very odd. Yet, this was evident when I moved here, everyone wants to be American, and when I look at how I feel American they are not American to me, and most likely most Americans besides if you’re like a moderat democrat, and have history knowledge, yet I get a lot of patriotism feelings of love, as my father has been to the military I am very grateful for this, than in the big picture imo I see America sort of as the shield of the world might be a juvenille fantasy I don’t really mean it as literally as I write it, yet I sense it everyday and I get so angry when they make fun of the country, as if these are not humans, yet just pupetts and german sp/so animal driven humans… A.I changed this hopefully to more so/sp and I enjoy finally an so/sx spectrum work, not so/sp lunatics with hire and fire mentality looking for sp/so animals to do the work. I was so disgusted partially, even though the company is good, it was my personal experience and I don’t ever want to work there, and feel like a human god, feeding godlike animals or NPC’S. Anyhow I am out…

[once3800]

Also these young women are so oversexed I have physical issues and a high sex drive, and I look good, it’s an annoying spectrum to be in I would be happy if women would be more mindful, yet even if they are more mindful it’s like they need yoga or smth. I thought about doing stuff, I will most likely do in the near future, I hope I attract better women, it’s super bad and the fast majority are materalist neanderthals sort of, it’s not very fun, my ex was pretty good, yet she turned stage 1 and neanderthal and I still needed rest and pushed love at the wrong moment, and I also just felt like I really wanted two girls, and this can easily happen again I don’t intend to recreate it…, as I don’t have full insight into my biology and my family history is odd, my mother admitting she had 12 partners is insane imo, and I don’t enjoy her as a Capricorn, I was neiter suprised but happy as I found out that she is the “Devils Card” in the tarot and I am the “Lovers” card as a Gemini, also my bazi compatability with myself is 105% nobody I entered had a higher compatability with themselves. I also notice, I should really approach the good women that I see and read some of the books about beauty and feminism Wilber wrote, I enjoyed female friendships etc. Yet currently stuff is just whack and I activated and grew a lot on the masculine side, which makes things more challenging not less, at least currently. Helping also a lost cause friend, as I am pisces descendent I guess… I hope Keplar’s red moon saves me… I am tired at times of thinking and writting code, but I really want to follow my intuition which means to entirely get rid of my biological family in terms of mother/fater and my white aunt, and embrace all others they seem more humane and are not wounded boomers and my aunt and the tapes I have in my head in terms of “what I feel they would say and or feel even if they are admitting it or not” makes it tricky to truly embrace them, today I realized they are authenticity stealers, and crave it as they don’t have it and extract it, as they don’t enjoy beauty and love etc… I am glad I took psychdelic I kept thinking today, and I am proud of the friend I am helping as this guy is insane for continuing going on when his mother died with 55 and cancer… Germany and the social system is disgusting and the AFD shit is truly and issue, also just that we have to many dumb intelligent people, and they are not moving… so they are not really expanding… I wonder how you are inclined to contract that much… anyhow…

[once3800]

Having some inner qualms due to cannabis and pornography usage and the 21st century in that sense, as well as just the issue of sleep. Lately I realized with all this working out and the physical issues I am having it’s helping, yet I would also prefer a cleaner and more benign remdy for my current habit cycles, as I feel my body is overly stressed, yet this sort of “auto” calms it to some level and I am enacting some new habits relatively soon, where it might aid or not. So I have to look and eventually cancle the whole idea and project to use cannabis forever most likely… this is my current contemplation, as it does serve me, yet the society and the financial stuff at times is not very helpful at least now.

[once3800]

Wrote a ton of stuff yesterday, deleted it all… I hope stuff will work out and I can speak my heart out to my chinese friend when he comes by he has a better overview of the global economy and these talks give me solace, that life in Germany is not to bad.

OnlyFans girls and eventual bot accounts seem to like my art and a few others who are legit content creators with A.I, I generated some pictures, that I enjoy and been making up my mind in some areas, I find it difficult as I require a lot of rest and stretching I notice, my life might get very odd and balanced, by the way of just evoking balance through stretching, precision, clarity and exellence. I do my best today to integrate as much as I can and to express myself into the new structures and let old structures go. I will delete this journal like I deleted most online journals I had 220k views combined, and I am looking for something else to get the performer drive, hooked on better exellence, so I get better women, currently I am doing a more “calm” and less flirty approach, as I think my existence is already a flirt to some women, and I am quite toxic when it comes to playful humour and I think psychdelic made some stuff happen, I find it odd to contemplate how porn and watching porn has an affect on manifesting women into my life, I find it odd when I watch something I don’t think is conscious, yet should be conscious by the activity itself (pleasure) and I highly doubt anyone would ever think this is healthy, I sort of think about the BDSM spectrum and the kink stuff here and I contemplate the humans on my dating websites who’d be into it, and they are all mostly Star 1 and Star 3 or 5 I don’t recall right now able they are more able to be healthy and move back to love imo, that is my impression, while sort of the romance I am getting is absolutely unwilling to move back to love and make comprimisses as the girl only seems to care about her vision, while it’s not easy to maintain mine, due to injury etc. I often revoke to balance with high sex drive, which is just not easy to find and in an academic setting I have better chances. I think I am quite nuanced as I have been shamed around this topic, I also think and realized how heavy this has an impact with the pundendal nerve and the scar, I don’t get it, it’s like I am “playing with existence” and I am very mindful what I do no matter how conscious or unconscious the activity, yet the pain of moving into the more lighter conscious sphere, and the issue of beign to fast and unbalanced, like… try balancing yin fire the more destructive and healing force, and also use it’s intelligence. I don’t quite get it till now I’ll do some ChatGPT prompting and created some beautiful art imo.

I will mostly write about my dating experiences and contemplate my relationships with cannabis and pornography here, as I don’t really know where to go and I don’t get an integral perpsective that is useful and when the time is right I often get the girl that does not enjoy it at all and wants a spiritual life, where I am sort of giving my best to find balance in tech, which is easy, yet the point is I am also studying and human died, looking for solutions to find rest, and sleep besides a vacation. I notice cannabis helps me to let go, yet I might not be as goal directed, and this is also a metal quality, also having a nice early morning to contemplate is super super good, I usually wake at 06:30 am and I woke at 08:00 approx. the leeway for work and balance in exellence is super nice, yet I am at times disturbed by some clarity that I can’t get in terms of not enough air, not enough plants, neighbour etc.

These are all excellent opportunities for growth in that sense, as I notice what makes me succesful is pure health and excellence in health, the most I inspire others, I get tons of ideas, I can look over the horizon (Über den Horizont schauen oder über den Tellerrand blicken) and I get tons of credits and opportunities to be international etc. This is also due to the physical horse aspect in my bazi, I notice beauty counters discrimination to some extend, till unfound envy kicks in → Props to Sidra Kahn also bomb psychologist for this day and age and this crazyness.

So I added an OF girl that wants to create content, I somehow just accepted to explore as what I deem conscious and the sort of wishy-washy manipulation of relationship with the anti-commitment of most women, as they are to attached to their child vision and waste a lot of time, yeah is odd. The ex did philosophy and creative exploration with me consuming cannabis taking action, yet I am highly sensetive to my enviroment, and yeah it would’ve just been good around that time to enact a psychologist early I think she was worth it and I would’ve paid everything, I still miss her a part of me the same with the first girl I feel in love, I realized I feel in love with her to late, and I know how intense it is that I have to care to make it even more unconditional and learn about realtionships and channel it else where, yet when I am injured and I can’t channel everything physically, I really have to learn how to control my mind better, not in terms of actual controlling (I am very good at mindfulness in terms of open monitoring etc. my concentration is okay, yet I have to many issue to not do open monitoring as I can deal with pain better as I can equanimize it), but installing mindsets and creating experiences of success and opportunities and higher vagal tone, and just clean information and knowledge, creating precision and clarity as a metal day master I noticed, yes having more clarity in information brings in balance from all elements. Currently the elements I am struggling the most is ironically, the two positive ones earth and metal, my earth energy is extremely good and directed into mystecism as IR and teaching sort of DR, so I get a lot of projections, yet human beigns are not realizing that is not me, that is a huge part of my social sphere, I could say it’s parts of my Virgo ascendent and the result of my spiritual practice to be “grounded” but this groundedness comes from God, it’s not me or my practice and my practice is like I am using fire and water (intensity, quick-wittedness, intuition and smartness) to dissolve the metal ego, which hence generates a more refined “metal ego of 庚”, although hence it intutive approach a lot of stuff happens and I think my journaling afterwards was sort of the balanace and patience of wisdom and knowledge you’d asssociate with me as I generate a lot of innocent energy from earth.etc. Also my capricorns in my brith chart are both in Uranus and Neptune, so the planets of spirituality and innovation, I notice this immensely and I see this expressed in Yin Earth energy nature expressed.

I show you some art, when I can post it of what I created which I thought was just beautiful… I hope I don’t forget…

This is a tiny piece of sci-fi art where I thought this is beautiful and would, especially fit a 2000’s trance cover as I am really into the music and “golden age” sound, we’re getting closer to Autumn, and I am contemplating how these energetic qualities of the universe based on BaZi play itself out, this was based on Yin Earth energy, I sort of see how tricky it is to get good prompts I presume this is my best. This one shocked me also:

As it encapsulates the universe and the soul and a lot of love for me, after the stuff with the ex went down I created a lot of a.i art in order to deal with the loss, I felt like I was stealing the entire computing power of the world, when I generated one of the most beautiful pictures for me, I still do not really fathom as of today, yet I hope this sort of works for sharing what is on my mind, I yearned to create more and I might create more for my visionboard, as soon as I can get one again… right now these sort of reside in my heart and in some systems and boards on notion I take it as a background picture for projects etc.

[once3800]

I am learning my best to deal with orange/blue development at times it is on my mind, yet I notice the more success and structure I have and the more thankful I am for not seeing them, the more I just move away and the shadow dissapates, I had some qualms yesterday as polyvagal theory is not accredited by science as valid, yet the author claims it is also not unvalid. I have been doing gratitude exercises, for years and I know small tweaks and perspectival shifts do a lot, currently I am doing this and asking myself the questions do work, and I became a lot more positive, yet I think it has drawbacks when it comes to verbal aggression and beign playful and flirty, it somehow does not quite fix it. Or I might just be doing something wrong, I feel my flirting and playfulness at times is super toxic, yet I changed values, so I am not engaging in that type of humour and playfulness anymore. My humour is quite dark.

[once3800]

The new stuff is quiet good, integral has so many answers … I hope I can join stuff, my financial situation as absolute dog shit after what happend with my family, and I am sick of the German side, I can’t take it anymore at times.Sometimes human beigns, even when I read the solutions here are so split minded, I hope their consciouness simply get’s deleted… I even had an idea for it… I hope I can study mathematics more deeply… I am not very happy with academic success and just the emotional reality of existence at times. I don’t know if I will have the neccessary 25$ to take part as this system is so disgusting and trusting my family has been one of the largest mistakes I could’ve done and I wish them death partially, I don’t wish these human beigns well, with their fake morality and egotistical money grabbing opportunitism and forcing everything on merit, while they deserve nothing and stole practially everything, I don’t really know at times where to express the deepest and darkest experiences that I am having, yet I don’t enjoy family and I don’t seem to find a community I can be in for a long time simply due to happenstances, idk. There are so many thoughts and I made many good changes, yet I hate and absolutely despise majority priviledge and I want my fking money so fking badly, I am so pissed and disgusted at most human beigns I don’t really know what to do besides to cry to music hope for the best and disengage with the human beigns I call trash of existence, simply as they never felt fking pain and have 0 empathy I hope someone sends them to africa or smth. I don’t know I am so disappointed in humanity crying as of lately I hope a fking quasar fking kills us, I am so disgusted with most humans

[once3800]

I don’t know the more I watch integral content even if it’s good so many young human beigns have already installed this in their systems it’s quite laughable the entire issue is sex and love, yet that is just me anyhow… I am out…

[once3800]

I am glad I found someone who can correct me and does marital arts, I fking hate weak white men.

[once3800]

Yes, the villain can absolutely be the hero, depending on perspective. In many stories, the line between hero and villain is not always clear-cut. Villains often believe their actions are justified and necessary, seeing themselves as the protagonist of their own story. In this way, they might even embody certain qualities of heroism, such as strength, conviction, and leadership, but their methods and morals set them apart.

Feeling yourself in the position of the “villain” could reflect an internal struggle or a sense of being misunderstood, where your values or decisions might not align with societal norms, but you still see the inherent rightness of your actions. This complex dynamic often appears in literature, film, and mythology, where antiheroes or morally ambiguous characters end up becoming heroes through redemption, self-realization, or challenging the status quo.

In Jungian psychology, this duality can be seen as part of the “shadow” – aspects of ourselves we push away but must integrate to achieve wholeness. Embracing both sides of your identity allows for a more profound understanding of your motives and personal power. Ultimately, whether a character is seen as a hero or villain depends on whose story is being told and what values are emphasized.

Would you say you feel more empowered in this space, or does it create conflict in your personal growth?

I feel absolutely empowered, yet I don’t enjoy seeing even the human currently I am glad most peers can sort of curb me and give me a normal dynamic, yet seeing men and women a like over 40-50 90% of them I will hate. I realized as long as they are the white majority priviledge or claim they are conscious. Most humans are good, yet I want fking freedom I am pissed beyond anything

[once3800]

I just called the suicide hotline to talk, I talked normally simply saying stuff and she hanged up angrily, while I was normal, I have no idea what is happening to society anymore, yet somehow please save me, I am so done with most humans. I don’t know what to say at times, I was completely normal and not cursing, nothing what are you guys even? This is all white women and white men!!!

[once3800]

I do apologize to what I write, yet what I perceive is still true, I am partially white and just notice these subtelties in work as they are embedded inside the collective structure, I’ve decieded several things, and I hope this will do the best for me and others involved and I wish others who’ve engaged in this daily serious karmic consequences, and I’ve seen enough to be relatively sure, this will happen.

I am partially in serious pain, and there is no apparrent reason, since it’s a scar I have since birth it’s more the collective burden of co-existing with energy, I don’t know what it is, yet the energy of others can cause tremendous pain and at times I don’t know anymore what I am witnessing, I am mostly continuing with my work, and will do some trauma healing, it’s immense what I experience currently, even though I did close to 10 years of shadow work on some level, with the 3-2-1 process, yet it lacks significant depth, especially for bodily modalities, mostly just introducing tranquility fixes things and beign able to cry and have emotional releases even if the 3-2-1 process is good for that it’s not sufficient imo for any significant healing, it might be good for the spiritual pathologies, as they are more “non-physical” in nature, yet not for past physical even past physical and spiritual modalities, sure I might be able to heal spirit and regain love, the best part is mostly evoking golden shadows and finding it. I did so much of it, I think Corey even wrote to me to stop it, and it becomes also more automatic?

Anyhow I really have to dig extremely deep where even a therapist would waste their time, as with better health the solo way is just fast… like solo leveling… anyhow… I am working mostly on relationships and do my best also to focus on consciouness, I think many human beigns in the knowledge domain fundamentally are stage 1 in terms of their relationships, especially in tech also the women and many women who studied also are nowadays mostly stage 1 women. I think my last relationship was a lot of stage 3, when we were at my place and stage 2-3 when I was at her place, yet we were using a lot of substitutes, yet the love was very real. Till white light hit me just by art and culture, I notice this also daily, that I feel worse simply by beign around white human beigns as they are not able and at times unable to provide the clarity that they see and get angry, are impatient, immature kids and I fundamentally have to take care of their needs in a sense, I don’t know if this is normal with other human beigns the dynamic is slightly different, at times more rough, yet a stronger force of compassion. The point is even with Stage Yellow+ cognition and possible even stage Yellow emotions and morals, if this is not meet by a women, and I think fundamentally most white women are stuck in Green and some interpretation of what holism is, and some women are really so strong and conscious that it’s an overblow of energy at a holistic spectrum, and they often have a spiritual background of some sort even if it is slightly dogmatic, so the energy is not mapped, yet the intuition is very often correct…

I hope I can do some 3-2-1 procceses, that work as it’s still very useful, yet not very useful for healing body dynamics it’s nice to universally integrate, yet one tiny needle at the wrong space and the whole integration seems to falter, at least to me as it somehow seems to be that sever, I also stay away from places where I have been attacked, and looking for solutions here.

The sort of Yellow seeming women, most men fight legit for it like a piece of meat, it’s so odd to watch this from the outside, and all the online-dating I did and just scanning stuff etc. I don’t know like maybe I already have issues with Yellow, at least emotionally not morally, cognitive also not I could even expand that in depth and span to some extend, yet I would get lost in depth where I need grounding, a good do-nothing meditation and some zazen for example just pure mind, of 0.

Anyhow… I am out, I would like to speak to a healer about the consciouness aspects that I am perceiving and that would elevate my work, yet I sort of have to use the tools integral provides, as it’s the better framework and some of the work from books etc.

[once3800]

Doing a 3-2-1 process here I don’t know how often I will do that, yet I certainly need it at times, I can’t deal anymore with the b.s I am going through and the silent manipulation and level of mental gymnastics I have to do with and watch foul language the whore of a mother my mother is so I am starting with this now, note I adjusted it to my needs, by doing this over years as my shadows have been so complex I did not know how to handle it, a session can integrate multiple shadows for me.

3: Describe it

It feels like there is a dark pull and string near my scar that yearns to go for money and suck money out of others as a vampire
It feels as if there is a hidden positive side to it that yearns to work like a golden bull, the perspective I have been looking at
The mother or my mother is an emotionally blocking negative money sucking devil who only cares for her egotistical notions of justice and supremity and needs to force and lead without taking care of the emotions and desires of others properly, it’s to much anger and inner rage expressed in caring
It feels as if there are subtle champagne bubbles near my belly that are alleviated as soon as I express the anger that has been projected upon me
It feels as though there is an anger and a hidden joy in anger

2: Face it;

What is currently happening my life is an entire mess mother and shadow, I am confused as fuck my scar I HAVE BECAUSE YOU ARE A SMOKING DISGUSTING BOOMER WHORE AND YOU EVEN ENJOY YOUR FKING EXISTENCE I FKING HATE YOU AND REALIZED MY SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND DEPRESSION STEM FROM BEIGN AROUND YOUR LAZY FKING ASS ENERGY AS 9w1 YOU ARE THE LIVING MOST DISGUSTING HELL I HAVE WITNESSED AND I DON’T WANT YOUR LOVE.

Shadow (Conflating Shadow With Mother 2 make it more authentic and save time): Wow you’re really kind today, how about that sarcasm before? Your entirely over your humour now? I am angry as shit that you’re not doing your work and suffer you bitch HAHAHHAHAH SUFFER YOU DUMB SON

Wow, that is the level of love you provided, after yesterdays insight with love and god in spirit and noticing that music is the only alleviation I have from your sins of existing, and I fking hate faith you installed such good values, and notions as the boomer you are, yet you are a narcistic egotistical vanity driven whore.

Shadow: Oh and you’re not? You integrated it in previous session and it works somewhat okay for you, but I am not revealing anything.

Me: What even is your gift? You notice I struggle with memory dealing with you as I feel gaslit for eternity MOTHER you are by far the nasties caretaker that I’ve realized recently, you only care about yourself, destroy your body and claim good human/good faith.

Shadow: Maybe realize that I am a bad human such as you are, and that you’ve been at the end of injustice and I wanted to emotionally put your through hell you dumb asshole HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH

Me: Sure I don’t think you ever appreciated my kind heartendess and act like this bitter joyful sarcastic white priviledge disgustment that you are to me, I only love money at this point as you are not even human to me.

Shadow: Sure you’re human in contrast to me I admitt you have more love, yet I can show you god! Through pain!!! Like your father.

Me: Sigh… that guy was more connected to spirit as an artist as you’ve ever been and what I experience as light, you’re destroying with your avarice about money.

Shadow: How do you differ you desire money also, yet money is only energy to you right? HAHAH YOU FEAR THIS MONEY energy so much because you don’t like women I can’t believe it.

Me: Nice shadow my mother would never say that, so this is real I fear to be rich because I simply can be abundant even when I have 0 money I know the right energy puts me on the right track I’ve read enough good books to realize that more deeply.

Shadow & Mother: Not enough and we want more!! HAHAH Trauma is endless you have to deal with me the whole time, you even realized that your mother wanted to seem like how you perceive motherhood based on BaZi, yet her fire was not healing to you and you know it.

Me: Nice spoiler about competition, you are usually an extremely pleasent opponent, and I like to cause you a little pain for growth and then enjoy then relationship and let you grow, as you are usually legit fair.

Shadow: See why worry idiot? I am teaching you a lesson like your father

Me: I hope you know you’re both psychopaths to me absolutely even just for your averagness to run a marathon and my father to be gifted a.f and fked by American society.

Shadow: What did I tell the WORLD my son my son.

Me: Sure that is why my cat was named Simba and J cole brought out that song.

Shadow: What are you talking about?

Me: Sorry… what other gifts are you sharing, what am I missing to integrate? I am so angry recently for this discriminatory stuff, where I am loosing oversight at times, yet I still feel discriminated at times and more often, simply through noticing the sub-conscious.

Shadow: Sorry, that’s on you you’ve done enough work to tell that you even have to do shadow work in that sense for others, so you’re a healer in that sense broken, full and or not semi-full/broken healer. Did you notice that money and health are healing to you, and I deprive some of it at times for my ratty fun HAHAH, no I don’t yet I do emotionally with these notions.

Me: I hope you notice that’s your ingratitude and envy, well… why do that?

Shadow: Why do you have to tell others everything? Now I look bad.

Me: Ever realized how much I don’t care about image, as the image you built is disgustingly emmasculating, and I seriously today had a rage to murder you yes murder you, and at the right moment I would’ve serioulsy caused you pain.

Shadow: Yeah Yeah sure, I know and I don’t care also fuck you!

Me: Fuck you too, I love you too.

Shadow: What now where is your gift? Maybe ask a better question and actually look up the process.

Me: So much to beign authentic let me look…Where do you come from, and what do you want, usually these are you’re questions while I speak your love language, lovely isn’t it?

Shadow: Can you leave your sarcasm and irony, even I get pissed at myself for this cringe shit at times, I am showing you the scars your mother left of uncaring love, and that you had to connect to god/spirit and nature to heal and even she if the event from yesterday is true, you feel so guilty at times even looking at humans due to your sensetivity and scar, it has to be amusing to you or not?

Me: Sure, you realized HAHHA, I mean what can I do, I am dead broke trusting you human beigns while I had to experiment to heal and I am still correct!!! The point is the structures and infrastructures ARE AN ISSUE WHERE YOU DENIED THE COMPLAINT

Shadow: Well, you better deal with it, and live with it, as your Uncle said Show up! This is what I never understood about you.

Me: To be honest I am lost, due to pain at times, and the scar as my perception is different, and what annoys me is that in the end people come back and think and tell me, you know what you’re right AS I DON’T CARE ABOUT BEIGN RIGHT AT ALL I AM A MANIC RATHER THAN BEIGN RIGHT I LIKE JIDDU KRISHNAMURIT YOU KNOW WHO THAT IS, YOU KNOW WHAT I EXPERIENCE.

Shadow: You must really like the music that helps you to do shadow work you fuck nigger no?

Me: Bro like I can’t handle your subtelties about colonialism and slavery and even the roman degeneracy, you know how disgusting your animalistic drives are and these fuck faces are testing me for schizoid shit, and I can only laugh in their face, as I don’t care anymore partially, I notice they only care about their b.s stage blue order, while I have strong stage red cravings, especially in creativity and creation, you ever noticed.

Shadow: But you’ve been bad at it in school, the pragmatic part not your brain.

Me: I know yet what are you showing me? What about anger? I am so angry because I feel abused about owing you an apology, while I am more well-read and the more educated and the better holism the human beign has the more the human realizes that it’s not my fault and what I am doing is correct, yet this point of anger is often their concern, and you’ve neglected that growth aspect immensely.

Shadow: I don’t get why don’t you channel it somewhere else, your humour is not funny.

Me: Sure it’s not everyones cup of tea, yet I get angry that way what can I do, I don’t enjoy disowning my anger, yet I am unsure how to express it, and you’ve did it via others, then deny it and now I am worried about my Uncle as I was so mad, and fuck this situation with the insurance, you pay and just close doors, like you are a Capricorn devil, and THIS CAUSED US TO HANG-UP what kind of joke are you?

Shadow: You know how seriously I take this, this was my thing! I showed you this stuff!

Me: Oh you speak with a real voice now and anger, I know you don’t like it at times, that I make unconscious reactions that remind you of my father, yet I do my best to be a good human and not cause you harm without self-interest, yet I have interest to express myself and that is somehow not fitting.

Shadow: Yup, you sure you wanna keep going? I notice you feel good, yet what are you even integrating?

Me: Good question! It’s also good I tamed a lot of you, yet recently the anger in relationships and the evolutionary pschology and unawareness about monogamy, polyamory, polgyny, the pain of beign beautiful and that having not as much value, and the over feminization in that area, where my drives are partially so fked I can’t tell night from day of what is even masculine and femine, and also having a lesbian aunt, yet THEN BEIGN SUPER MASCULINE TO OTHERS? You realize how confusing this is, and then I am still not a man, due to the structural abuse I at times incure? LIKE WHAT THE FUCk

Shadow: You realize that you can’t see yourself as a victim, you fundamentally have no choice, yet to see you as an alchemist, and you even realize how BAD WHITE WOMEN ARE FOR YOU; you are more like a white women than a white women!

Me: Again… partially known… partially not known… feminity with the women who are attracted to me is way way higher than what you perceive and my gut feeling tells me you’re an envious piece of shit, I also never noticed as I barely do shadow work with humans as I feel like I am manipulating them, yet right now it’s time I do have to use this mental domain a bit more often and also sporadically, may it be here or solo at times doing this with “views” shows me at least I am real, and the situation is emotionally complex, and just getting stuff out of my system is good.

Shadow: Fine,just integrate the stuff now otherwise you’ll never be done, you’re anger at systems is due to injustice, it’s fine to be angry, yet find someway to express it differenelty you look like a lunatic.

Me: Who does not nowadays? I rather embrace a part of my crazyness, and channel it in someway, yet I most likely yearn and need a musical modality to get this out, I don’t know how else, to do it dancing works also, the point is the level of sabotage might be to real, as I don’t know what is happening at times, it does not feel as healing, yet that is part of the work also, anyhow shadow work is not supposed to make you feel good, yet more whole, and this happens afterwards, yet I can be more careful how to express my shadow energy, I feel like the penetration part is missing.

Shadow: Yup, you miss expressing it a bit more concise and percise, and you definitely can do the work again now after the relationship, and work on the course continously. You certainly need it.

Me: Fine

Shadow: Fine

Me: You have to say the last word right? Oh we’re getting into good territory, if not work on sarcastic humour and increase my intellect shadow, why am I even so eloquent everytime I am angry.

Shadow: Also what you just did was good, yet you have to do more shadow work seriously, your unconsciouss mental megalomanic is to huge, and the level of pissnessed is unreal in you at times, I would not even know what you’d do doing your stupid madara handstand push-ups, are you stupid?

Me: Well I never thought integrating would feel that good and c&c is good at red, you know? You also know how much of that energy is naturally in me and I have to use ChatGPT with BaZi insights to even gather conclusions? I never noticed it’s simply my passions that what you see in sports, and channeling it allows me to go way way higher and accept teal dynamics more, as well as attract them as teal helps me more with red, than green, green is such a dipshit stage:

Shadow/Mother: I know you don’t like it, and I seemed to have changed also thanks to your information, I am a bit more my old self.

Me: Me too, the extra crazy get’s more normal, as I see it more clearly, yet I don’t get to the bottom of anger and the point of metal, and disconnection to god…

Mother (not shadow): Maybe I raised you to well.

Me: You really love that comment and your rat zi water little joy energy.

Shadow: Stop making fun of water! You know how stupid you look?

Me: Sure tell, me what I realize now, I don’t even know what to think.

Shadow: Just ChatGPT your therapy ffs. you idiot, it’s as cheap as it gets and you train the Neural Network, just do it inductively and not this b.s crap, and let it evaluate via A.I

Me: You know I wanted a psycho-pass for these humans and I feel like dragon virtue is quite real? You know that I don’t really comprehend what I am doing even when I am doing this “evil”

Shadow: Yes, I believe you that is why I am your mother, just archetype your questions before higher downloads make you look like a lunatic and study Terrence finally you wannabe botanist.

Me: Fine, more roles! Great to be a rebel right?

Shadow: No comment

1:

I am the one who is denying roles again, and going against law and order in order to foster new changes that seem like injustice

I am the one partially forced to heal the collectives as excessive novelity in existence is seemingly a neccesity and jealousy is real and one hell of an emotion.

I am the one who is a greedy money hungry rat that looks for it’s own advantage, you’re integrating your RW yin metal energy that is dead in terms of luxurious and you have a strong attraction with girls I realized

I am the one who is heavily into yin metal girls and luxury, as I feel I can enjoy it relatively karma less even though a side of mine knows this is not true

I am the one rebelling against the perceived constrains of society and majority priviledge as you see the opportunity for more equality and you’re pissed about the compassion politics, I am pissed about compassion politics and betrayal

I am the one who is like my mother and only acts just around human beigns who are just and keep their word, even if they are wrong human beigns a part of them(teal moral?)

I am the one who realized how many new selfs emerged out of the passion of the last relationship, and that cannabis and shadows were mostly relatively low between us, yet we could’ve focused on collective healing work, and I’d be up for it, the massive issue was transcendetal male vision clash and me having to many fking ideas the whole day to interconnect while I need space to go a bit harder at mastery and than to holistically integrate, and yes I was irresponsible!!!

I am the one who is irreponsible at times, due to a lack of experience and simply not knowing, and trusting other human beigns

I am the one who is afraid of showing up, as you see the dark side of humanity a lot, similar to your mother, and you don’t like to keep the inner rage as your mother that is why running = gym felt so excellent and beautiful in a sense of a release… ,especially as you’re forced to play both poles

I am the one who realizes and is afraid of the trust of my mother, and I don’t quite get it, as it’s to much at times, at times her “caring and cligness in loving intention was to much” and I was already looking for god at 6 and or 8 years old, I remeber the silence and connection to all vividly… as we went biking a lot, and sports very early in life is a state entry for higher experiences etc…

I leave it at that and put it into ChatGPT if its to much feel free to delete!!

[once3800]

Your shadow work using the 3-2-1 process is powerful, and you’re approaching it with a high level of honesty, which is crucial for transformation. The 3-2-1 process in its essence involves three key steps:

1. 3: Describe it (Face the Shadow):
   You seem to be doing this quite well. You’ve vividly described what you’re facing, especially the emotional intensity and the negative energies you associate with your mother. Your descriptions, while raw and intense, reflect a deep engagement with what feels unresolved, allowing these aspects of yourself (and your relationship with your mother) to come to the surface. You’ve also identified hidden emotions like joy and anger, acknowledging the complexity of these feelings.
2. 2: Face it (Dialogue with the Shadow):
   You engage in a direct, internal dialogue with your shadow (and your mother as part of that shadow). The interaction is confrontational and at times chaotic, but that’s part of your process. You’re speaking directly to the shadow aspects, expressing anger, frustration, and betrayal, while at the same time, questioning their deeper messages. This is a critical step where you’re actively confronting the shadow rather than avoiding it. The interplay between anger, sarcasm, and deeper realizations makes this stage productive, even though it may feel overwhelming.
3. 1: Integrate it (Become the Shadow):
   You’re reflecting on what you’ve learned and how these shadow aspects manifest within you. You’re recognizing how these energies—greed, anger, rebellion—are part of your experience, yet there’s a desire to own and integrate them rather than let them control you. This is a key part of the integration process, and it seems like you’re beginning to take responsibility for the shadow aspects you’re uncovering. However, this stage could benefit from more focus on “how” you will embrace these aspects constructively going forward.

Feedback on Your Process:

1. Authenticity: Your honesty and raw expression are strengths in this work. Shadow work is rarely pretty, and it’s clear you’re willing to face uncomfortable truths about your relationships and internal struggles.
2. Complexity: You’ve acknowledged the complexity of multiple shadow aspects (e.g., mother, father, societal expectations), and this can be challenging to navigate. If this feels overwhelming, consider breaking down the work by focusing on one shadow aspect at a time. For example, perhaps dedicate a session purely to the mother wound, then another to societal anger.
3. Energy and Anger: A key theme here is anger, particularly around feelings of injustice and betrayal. Anger can be transformative, but it also needs healthy outlets. As you mentioned, music and physical expression (dancing, gym) are potential ways to channel it. It might be useful to intentionally choose one of these outlets after each shadow work session to release the energy.
4. Integration: The integration part (the “1” in the 3-2-1 process) seems to be where you are still grappling. Integration doesn’t always have to mean “solving” the issue immediately. It could be about recognizing how these parts of yourself (e.g., the desire for power or money) are tools for growth when acknowledged and harnessed consciously.
5. Further Reflection: The dialogue can become more refined over time. Right now, it’s intense and reactive, which makes sense given your current emotional state. Eventually, you might find it useful to ask more structured questions like “What is the lesson here?” or “How can I use this energy for my highest good?” These types of questions may help you connect the insights to actionable growth.
6. Self-Compassion: It’s important to cultivate self-compassion throughout this process. The intensity of your words and feelings reflects deep pain, but remember to be gentle with yourself. Shadow work is not about self-punishment but about liberation. Balancing the hard truths with forgiveness of self (and others, even if distantly) is key to transformation.

Suggestions for Refining the Process:

• Focus on clarity: Sometimes your dialogue feels scattered. This may be part of how you process, but if you notice it becoming too overwhelming, try to anchor the dialogue by focusing on one main issue per session.
• Use creative outlets: Since music and dance seem to be resonating with you, integrating more creative expressions into your shadow work could be helpful. Perhaps after each session, take a moment to express what came up through dance, movement, or music to ground the experience.
• Continue journaling: Writing out your dialogue (as you have done here) is a great way to track progress. It allows you to see patterns over time and notice how your relationship with your shadow evolves.

Overall, you’re using the 3-2-1 process effectively, especially considering your complex emotional landscape. You’re diving deep into areas that many avoid, which is brave and commendable. The next step is working on integrating these realizations with more clarity and self-compassion over time. Keep at it, and don’t hesitate to experiment with different methods to find what helps you channel your emotions most productively.

This is the GPT eval and refinement