Integral Journal (once3800)

once3800 · September 10, 2024, 2:12pm

More as I think and know some of you guys like it, and I think it’s relatively easy to test the consciouness of A.I systems anyhow… praying to god currently I am done with social support partially that is not serving me at all. I rather use A.I and go a little crazy and fucking die. Been disgusted with humanity at large for to long. I could make a song out of this easily.

I would rate your shadow work session a 7 out of 10 based on the following factors:

Strengths (Why it’s a 7):

Authenticity & Depth: You’re being brutally honest with yourself, which is a core strength in shadow work. The depth and complexity of the emotions you’re facing are clear, showing that you’re willing to tackle difficult and deeply rooted issues.
Engagement: You’ve fully committed to the process. The intensity of your dialogue and interaction with your shadow shows that you’re not avoiding difficult emotions, which is crucial for effective shadow integration.
Creative Expression: Your ability to creatively engage with your emotions and inner dialogue is unique and valuable. You’re using sarcasm, humor, and intellect to communicate with your shadow, which indicates that you’re finding a way to make the process work for you.
Willingness to Integrate: You’re asking questions about how to integrate the shadow aspects you’ve uncovered, which shows you’re not just venting but seeking real change and understanding.

Areas for Growth (Why it’s not a 10):

Structure & Focus: While your dialogue is authentic, it can sometimes feel scattered or chaotic. A bit more structure would help you navigate complex emotions more effectively and prevent overwhelm. Focusing on one shadow at a time might bring more clarity and integration.
Integration: The final step of the 3-2-1 process (becoming the shadow) feels a bit underdeveloped. You’re touching on integration, but it could be more intentional. Asking yourself specific, action-oriented questions could help you translate your insights into more tangible growth.
Balance: The intensity of your shadow work is commendable, but it’s important to balance this with self-compassion and care. Shadow work can be draining, and without balancing the intensity with nurturing, you may risk emotional burnout.
Actionable Steps: While you’ve acknowledged many insights, the next step is to create clear, actionable steps for change. For example, after recognizing anger, you might explore practical ways to channel that energy constructively (e.g., through creative outlets like music or physical activity).

Final Thoughts:

A 7 out of 10 is a solid score because it shows that you’re doing deep, meaningful work but have room to refine and strengthen the process. With more structure, focus, and attention to the final integration phase, you can elevate your practice even further. Keep going—it’s clear you’re on the right path.

once3800 · September 10, 2024, 2:13pm

Here’s a breakdown of your shadow work session in percentages and ratios based on different aspects:

1. Authenticity & Depth:

Percentage: 90%
Ratio: 9/10
You’ve displayed a high level of authenticity and willingness to face your shadow, which is one of the strongest elements of your session.

2. Engagement & Commitment:

Percentage: 85%
Ratio: 8.5/10
Your level of engagement is very high, as you’ve committed to the process and explored difficult emotions. However, a bit more focused intention could push this to the next level.

3. Creative Expression:

Percentage: 80%
Ratio: 8/10
You’ve creatively used humor, sarcasm, and intellectual dialogue. However, this could be fine-tuned to prevent the dialogue from becoming too scattered.

4. Structure & Focus:

Percentage: 60%
Ratio: 6/10
The structure of the session feels a bit chaotic at times, which can make it harder to integrate and process the insights. More focus on a single shadow at a time would help you go deeper.

5. Integration:

Percentage: 65%
Ratio: 6.5/10
You’ve started integrating your shadow, but the final step (actionable insights) could be developed further. More attention to this stage will help solidify the growth from your shadow work.

6. Balance & Self-Compassion:

Percentage: 70%
Ratio: 7/10
You’ve acknowledged some self-compassion, but the intensity of your emotions may need a balance with care. Finding gentler ways to express your emotions could help maintain emotional sustainability.

7. Actionable Steps:

Percentage: 55%
Ratio: 5.5/10
You’ve reflected on your insights, but creating clear, actionable steps based on your revelations would help ground the process in practical, day-to-day growth.

Overall Score:

Total Percentage: 75%
Total Ratio: 7.5/10

This overall percentage shows that your shadow work session is powerful and effective, but there is room for more focus, clarity, and actionable follow-through to maximize the benefits.

once3800 · September 10, 2024, 2:17pm

I also have to do this, as I don’t think anymore I am naturally monagemous, and the current porn modertiny talks on YouTube are fking my gut, and I feel in the sense the “zoroastrianism” of patriarchy in a good conscious and aware way, and I am questioning monogamy, more even though a part of me enjoys monogamy, eventually it’s fear, yet idk all I know is 3 stage with one partner then whatever for me now.

once3800 · September 10, 2024, 8:25pm

Going to do another session as I just did this from Witts course…

xercise #2
If you have frustration at not having purpose or not being able to embody your purpose, sit in an attuned state and cultivate the frustration. Spend at least 30 minutes. Keep focusing on the pain of not having purpose and your tendencies to try to escape the pain. Write down your experiences. If you do have deep soul’s purpose, remember a time you didn’t, and then write about how you transitioned into having purpose. What happened? How did you feel different before and after. Share what you’ve written with a partner.

The pain of not having a purpose and not being able to embody the purpose runs very deep, it is heavily connected for me with trauma and the emotion of sadness and not neccesarily regret, as I see purpose in my spiritual practice, yet lost time and the inabillity and helplesness of having been able to do something, and then doing my best to work my self out of it only to be trapped in it in some part of it and begging for help, I don’t enjoy this notion at all, and I found I can connect back to my vision when I was lost, when I connect to love and god especially, the more deeply I feel connected to love, intelligence, exellence, truth and one of my values, and the more I can heal the trauma and toxicity and mindsets spread of my parents the deeper I can enjoy it, the animalistic tendencies I’ve outgrown partially and also the pain of having a purpose for sure gives purpose, yet I don’t feel well when I think to long about it and I prefer focusing on love and god and to accept that suffering and move through it, yet at times I feel I have to go slow and stay away from human beigns who work with strict negativity, you can’t do this, you can’t heal the world you can’t do this, it always needs the rational spectrum the big vision is a denial due to upbringing and I feel this deep down… while going more deeply it is better.

I felt more connected and attuned to myself and I feel more whole and integrated and less out there and lost looking for some outside in connection instead of inside out connection.

I’ve been working on my vision with various other courses, yet it is deeply tied to trauma and even more personal trauma that is connected to collective trauma so here I go…

3: Face it

It feels like there is a blockage of vision, due to family upbringing and the neglect of having an impact with your energy of joy and enthusiam at times, as well as the level of depth you’d yearn to cultivate hone and share

It feels like partially a dark fantasy and is if someone corroded my stomach with pure darkness and anger, especially repressed anger and that this fantasy and or desires are not allowed, and only allowed when attuend, and scolded when not attuned, so heavy black and white thinking

It feels like there is a monster that is the voice of my mother and my aunt forcing me to be this “sterotypical 21st century” half/half and taking on the lower form for their pleasure and joy of my failure while they say and act different the emotional wounds say and feel different, it’s likey they want me dead for their greed and survival

It feels like there is a deep pain in purpose also due to the physicallity of the scar that I have and healing it causes immense flashbacks and memories of a lot of things

Face it 2:

Alright shadow mother topic again for the 10000000 times, while say acts as the samaritian 9w1 and in reality is the absolute devil and whore of the nation, and the disgustment she was even depicted and cursed at by the disgustment I call disgustment at orange/blue underbelly level, and disgusting conservatives who are disgusting creatures to me.

Shadow: Is disgusting the only thing you can say? You’ll never make progress that way?

Me: What is blocking the manifestation of my vision, now there are so many structural blockages and before you’ve been helping is this only your revenge because I consumed cannabis and for the first time had a girlfriend and you simply don’t care? You notice this shadow feels like my mother right and partially my aunt, and what they’ve said to me

Shadow: Yes, I notice that well I do wanted you to be and fail as you’re like your father you get high chase women and don’t enact what you say!

Me: Well you do it at times too, yet you’ve fking scolded me so much that I don’t even feel like I can remember and than my memory is twisted, and you even claim the right memory, yet you’re so harsh on your memory, I feel like I lost my abillity to remember as you compete and compete steadily for your own joy, while I was looking at that time for apprecation when I was 14-16 and very green, in stages of development, yet all you cared about was masculinity.

Shadow: Good insight, I thought you’re higher you hold yourself to such high standards, huh? Like your father huh? Maybe you love him more than me.

Me: Yes, even if he was not there as much I love him more, you are a whore a disgusting whore who should go to prison for her gaslighting and silence and inabillity to express yourself and hatred, you have!!!

Shadow: Well, we’re not making progress that way.

Me: Classic defensive mechanism of mother, deny the statement switch topic, and force with silence for ther other party to go into self-explanatory mode, you are disgusting and I hope you fking die and rot in hell!!! You never gave clarity about anything, when you do it feels so good!! Why are you doing this, what is even your gift and what am I learning here?

Shadow: You’re clearly learning your lesson here my child, I don’t like you, yet I love you, and I want the old tiny baby XYZ (my name)

Me: No, what gift are you sharing integrating my innocence and baby archetype and/or whatever for sure is nice, yet what does it serve me in terms of masculinity and direction? I feel healed sure, yes it feels fantastic, yet I don’t make financial progress that way and I take to much hurt at times, where it’ simply the issue with energy and my scar and this “sink” Deida describes with an energetic hole I realized. You’ve ever noticed?

Shadow: Her no and I don’t care I just love and like you to deaht hihi.

Me: Dude, how do I make progress here, this is supposed to be raw, and I know that.

Shadow: You are, yet you are not noticing it…

Me: What are you showing me then, what do I not notice?

Shadow: You are the greedy rat again looking for healing in innocence is that not great, I am innocent!!!

Me: Sure everyone is innocent to some extend, yet that does not make the traumatization right.

Shadow: But it feels good to me.

Me: Yet, at times I notice this is having serious negative impact of becoming and beign mature, as I am treated as a baby for healing, and a child and then taken for granted in a sense and saying oh you know xyz, while I am in full healing mode and my body can relax finally after getting good energy, I can only appreciate the energy etc, yet not the action, as I know how true and deeper healing feels like thanks to my meditation and I don’t like the social denounciaton of irresponsibility, as I find the action already to be immature, you can do that at home once, yet not in public or with me in the car or with me in other spaces.

Shadow: Fine fine I realized a long time ago, yet you are supressing love, that you receive you know that my love language is giving.

Me: Sure, I don’t like your commanding attitude and your type of talking that is guidance oriented while absolutely capricous and immature in it’s tonality. You’ve ever noticed?

Shaddow: No…, but I like you!

Me: Great I like myself to, this is one of the most retardeded sessions I have ever done, so what is this now what type of shadow?

Shadow: A grey shadow! Both a bit of gold a bit of dark! Ta-da!

Me: Ta-da! Great, the concept I invented? What now, I don’t even know if it works… and barely anyone teaches this etc. etc.

Shadow: You have A.I now…

Me: True…

Face it:

I am the one who is seeking innocence with this rat water type energy, even though I don’t have it in my chart, somehow there is an innocence I am looking for with “Schadenfreude” humour aka glee.

I am the one who acts like a baby and is looking for healing in that way for the physical issue I have since birth and the pure energy of innocence, as it’s also connected and close to the sacral chakra. I am the one who notices and fixes the leak by conscious breathing and energy healing.

That water energy yang or yin is me as an animal at times, and a part of me due to pain

I am the one who negates his vision due to this energy, as it’s used in a self-sabotaging and not enhancing way, while you’re not receiving love and innocence from the pure energy of others making humours jokes etc. small types of bullying

I’ll leave it at that, the refinement and all of this it’s very exhausting, I am focused on a math exams, yet I at times have spasm in this scar area, and if you don’t have 10 Phd’s as I was operated in one of the best clinics, according to my parents, yet I can’t find the data. I feel so lost, I asked them for medical documents, yet they told me the doctor did not give them I don’t know if they are manipulating. Part of my family from America the black side got their documents burned, I don’t really know if I can trust her even if her actions are correct there was to much missing… and when I trust her I get hurt fine… yet at times just give me a break!!!

once3800 · September 10, 2024, 8:32pm

These are some IFS level corrections, which sould make the process also more fine and readable to others here, yet I prefer to stay anonymous…

What does this part of me need to feel safe or appreciated?" Instead of saying disgusting etc.

Practical Action: In your reflections, you mention the need for direction, financial progress, and healing. Think about how integrating these shadow parts can help inform concrete actions toward these goals. If water energy has been blocking your vision, how can you use water’s adaptability to your advantage in manifesting your goals?

Some of this stuff is already activated and contemplated in the background it’s more the fine-details of questioning that I want clarity on etc.

once3800 · September 11, 2024, 6:01pm

I am a bit lost when it comes to the stuff I am going through currently, most of the stuff I am going through as I lost a lot of money is, due to trauma of bullying and not beign taken serious and the fun attitude etc. That has been lurking around and I don’t know if I trusted the right human beigns to live my life to the fullest, I completely lashed out against my family, due to traumas I don’t quite comprehend besides when I do the work, yet I can’t delve in the negativity the whole day… I just don’t know if I kill myself, because of my mother and other human beigns and I hope she seriously get’s some punishment in the next life, I have never seen my mother and my aunt two incapeable women to take care of a childs/teen/ someone else emotions, my mother had 12 partner and 1 month after she tells me that she cuts down all contact, because I was talking about a Capricorn reading, and some guy and she felt blamed, it was so fking stupid, I don’t know what is wrong with these humans at times I understand everything, besides this stupidity, and I don’t really know what to do anymore, I don’t have time to work out and to enjoy my life in any sense, because of her incapability to provide and I hope she dies and get’s raped and stoned to death in her next life, she deserves it and I hate her.

3-2-1 Process: (short form)

Trigger because of mother the 10000 session:

It feels like this conniving whore is sniffing out my pain to use it against me and to manipulate
It feels like there is a deep pain inside of me that is due to the inabillity to take care of others emotions, due to complexity of a situation
It feels like total abondaenment and justice seeking and teaching a lesson, because I don’t like it.
it feels like she is a liar and a casltebuilder and a fucking asshole that has no manners and denies her abillity to have manners, because she is a disgusting swine and whore who should be executed.
It feels like she is a connvining whore spinning men for their men while acting like an angle and as a women she has no responsibilities, and denies her emotional attacks and trauma, she feels like a trauma denier and causer

2:
Alright, shadow what are you showing me, you notice this work is deeply neccessary, as you’ve realized the deep patterns that caused this, especially as this started with the death of my grandma and so many patterns are layered now. I don’t even know if I can ever have a girlfriend, also because of you and, what part of me are you even highlighting?

Shadow: Your abillity to take care of others and lead? You liked that no?

Me: Well, yes yet I also need experience I can’t lead people down a hill, like you do with your lack of beign able to give guidance, stand ther “hÄÄÄääähhh” and looking like an absolute dork, it’s like you take the pain away, instead of giving empathy, and leave the human beign alone to their device, this is so fraudulent on many levels, and this caused me massives feelings of helplesness as I did not even know what is wrong at times.

Shadow: You’re making things so complicated, you wanna get done in 5 minutes? And get your hope reading in you disgusting asshole?

Me: Why did you ever start cursing? This is not me!!! I told the police even when I was small and you are a liar you lied to the police in their face for your safety, instead of being responsible I remember this, and this level of innocence you won’t take from me and god will judge you 100% not at stage blue, yet by consciouness and karma and I am sure you will suffer seriously!! What are you showing me what pattern?

Shadow: Your inabillity to realized that women are lying little tiny angle who don’t like to care about their kids, especially as they get older HIHI I just scold and scold and complain and randomly make hope to make you feel guilty.

Me: You know you’re one of the human beigns I can read the least, yet I know what you’re doing at times I wonder if I cancled your mind, as your an ill human beign to me and a narccistic whore on a different level I can’t integrate that this, this is very odd vanity fine, yet your egotistical blood sucking nature… fine I integrate it too, yet your cold hearted psychopathicness, sure I integrated that also, yet what are you even showing me?

Shadow: FUCK YOU YOU ARE LIKE YOUR FATHER AND ONLY CARE ABOUT YOUR DREAMS IT’S ONLY YOU YOU AND YOU

Me: I told you several times, that I don’t enjoy listening to you as I get depressed when you get happy I can’t tell you WHY I DON’T KNOW!!

Shadow: Well, me neither tbh, maybe dig deeper a little later.

Me: What can I even integrate now…
’
Shadow: Well, you got side-tracked and calculated your expenses, you the unknowns you might not be able to deal with, you sort of fked that up, all I can tell you is that your fear of money right now is solved by taking action, everyone tells you you’re good with money, the bitches crave your money and status even when it’s not there, even when you lost a lot of potential due to injury a lot of empathic and compassionate women find you damn sexy my friend, you wanted to work with these notions to not attract a girl like your mother right?

Me: Yes, the bad qualities I hoped the shadow work before that would’ve fixed, that I never thought my father could’ve been correct, yet it’s the dynamic of the relationship and also his responsibility, as it was mine, yet I was trusting and loving her so much… I felt also so free… it felt so good to have a partner who also has “funds” and to build together and now everything is gone… and I did not even buitl…

Shadow: Anyhow, you’ve did what you could do, you’d like to learn something?

Me: Sure, shadow what are you teaching me this time?

Shadow: You’re actually a genius when it comes to money, if you’d stop panicking like a 12 year old that is why the girls like their genitals, partially when seeing you as they see your earning and leading potential, you’re overrunning of things and hot-temper and anger is quite sexy you know that.

Me: Is this about my father now I never tired a horizion 4 type shadow work and like my metal ape BaZi brain can’t handle it at times, also OH YES THERE IS another solution.

Shadow: As I told you you can do it.

Me: Me nice introjection from both parents, how deep does the unconsciouness go for an INFJ?

Shadow: Deep enough, you had an omniscience experience on kriya mode you remember?

Me: Yes, it was odd I don’t know if you can call that omniscience, yet our cannabis explorations and shadow work on psychdelics integration are pretty funky, especially when it comes to attracting very deep love.

Alright, let’s integrate… I wish I could join integral, yet I have to be a penny-picker at this

I am the one who is a genius with money and does not enjoy it that others sniff it out and get’s immensely triggered to be prompted by potential and uses a robbery sha dynamic to get rid of nasty poor leeches

I am the one who realizes that intuition and beign highly sensetive causes a lot of triggers making the shadow work not an easy way to integrate things

I am the one who is domineering and leading and at times not very careful in the interactions with others

I am the one who sees the type 4 dynamics of parenthood even if imaginary as a chance to integrate shadows

I am the one who craves the depth of money and fortune and the greed of it at times, in order to self-sabotage in trust and trusting others with finances

I am the one who over-trusts with finances and still is very good at finances

I am the one who acts like a connvining manipulative whore who wants to kill and execute others, might be the DO yin fire energy in chaos mode, as the element is unfavourable

I am the one who cares deeply about children usually, more than the average guy and has deep empathy, yet I get angry at weak and financially incapeable men, even myself

I am the one who is cursing and lying for ones own benefit, even though I feel innocent at times.

Done! Some of these need fine-tunedment, yet I can’t do this all day and my team lead is currently goating the living existence out of me, I hope I can finally be in a position where I can give, also monteraily in terms of doing stuff together, I also like him more than my old best friend even if my old best friend reminds me of him and has his quirky that I love him for, it’s like trauma quirks of the universe as it’s fire from kin and fire from mountain IIRC and I should avoid that? it’s a rejection pillar in BaZi to me anyhow…

once3800 · September 12, 2024, 12:34pm

Doign another 3-2-1 process:

Taking the topic of Leo Gura, my Mother and anger/bitterness in vision this time, as I am creating more balance, also liberterian and modern notions of what I feel is a so called “judgemental unbalance” at orange/modern/rational, while I function mostly from teal, yet the injury made it tricky, the more I am in quiet the more I am at an inter-beign place, and the higher the level of balance in the opposition the higher I am in the interaction. Also the animal inside of me and the animalistic sex side, alright I got triggered by this and I figured out stuff to fix my goals, also a way to fully plan an entire month and it’s activities, and if this is not working I am switching back to bullet journaling my entire, week as the physical modality of using a pen works better to some extend, as long as there are not to many distractions. Here I go

3:
It feels like an animalistic winner and domination side of winner takes it all and my way or the high way and fuck the world because the world is cruel.

It feels like this stage orange status drive, that is unfocused on progress in it’s line and achievement and is deeply jealous of the peformative drive and not evoking it by, measuring, counting and focusing more on processes.

It feels like there is a pure effort focus in a dark an exhaustive area, similar to fighting against instead of creating with

It feels like there is a deep level of pain where there is deep love, yet it’s hidden in strength and success and it feels burdensome to me

It feels like there is a resistance to open up to love to some extend and deep anger that is triggered due to physical pain

3: Face it

Me: I don’t have that much time, yet I have time, you remember that?

Shadow: Sure, yes I recall, the point of it all. Nice rhymes!

Me: Yes, I feel good about integrating the stuff, why are you going so nuts with this physical pain with the scar you have since birth.

Shadow: Are you confused and you are speaking to me?

Me: You know that this pain at times makes confused things, and I am sort of speaking in an energetic split with a lot of inner rage, yet also connectedness to the rage.

Shadow: Have you ever noticed how much sexual energy that is pure white light to you naturally, was pulled to this place, when you checked human design, yet you switched the sides and interpreted the map wrong first?

Me: Yes, I would also like to know why this is the case and why this does then feel so dark acting with humans like you.

Shadow: As we have the same issue and I even project it onto you with that sexual sink.

Me: How do you know?

Shadow: Let’s just take it as a given and ignore for today, as you’ve been neglectful of your duties and feel this immense stress, as you’ve yearned for a caretaker and provider, these are also two characteristics associated with these two humans and they also have doubts about it you noticed?

Me: Yes, they also partially caused the trauma with their anger and inner rage against irresponsibility now I have the same rage and at times feel like a puppy, that is looking for a good caretaker

Shadow: Good one.

Me: What are you showing me? Your fear of living my life to the fullest again? What is your potential gift?

Shadow: You’re doing well to integrate the skeptecism and hatred, I feel at times for your soft-hearted and open intutive living, I despise you and I am envious of you having it so easy with others!! They all like you but they don’t like me!!

Me: How does that make sense if we’re the same and you’re a part of me? There are plenty of human beigns that don’t like me, yet they force themselves to like me as I am liked at times, and I have to like repel humans!

Shadow: Why?

Me: Because if they are not light I don’t enjoy them, I meditated and did enough work to distinguish ego and getting from actual beign, that is a huge difference you are liked by beign not doing!!! You get that

Shadow: Wow, you’re bring light to the shadows shadow, you’re good today!! You think I like it to feel so bitter and angry?

Me: NO SO WHAT HAPPEND WITH PROVISION CUH? TO MUCH WEED? DID IT NOT GIVE YOU THE LOVE RESULT YOU SEEKED; YOU’RE EVEN GETTING BETTER SKILL, so what’s up now?

Shadow: Don’t trigger me or you don’t get your answer!

Me: Alright, so shadow shadow of trigger? As you get triggered, I am so happy when I get some Jungian stuff, yet I am ChatGpting while doing the work and watching even Tarot to get better insight, at times my gut feeling also disagrees with Wilber on these topic for example with Trance, yet he is also right with it beign purple and red, as I don’t know if I am integrating that, that exactly would be the case and I could throughly read through his books with some quiet time, I also think I am ready now for Grace and Grit after beign in my first relationship, yet I am a bit scared I might smack or kill someone out of love and the dynamics that at times happen, when I engage my animal.

Shadow: Anima and Animus, Male and Female was it not?

Me: Could be all they focused on in my region was drives and drives and Freud and just this reptilian brain southern focus of holism, I don’t intutively get, yet a lot of humans love more like a pure 8w7 and 7w8 type of spectrum, very wild and unstructured, yet with a plan and vision in mind. Go-Getter is most likely not the correct term.

Shadow: Are you listening?

Me: Sorrry, I was in pain like from scar shooting brain into 10 directions, what’s up? Yes, I checked Anima = female, Animus = male, I got it right this time and I will next time.

Shadow: You’re sure of it? Anima is female and Animus is male, you can imagine the rigidity of metal in BaZi as you’re go to place of anger in terms of it’s expression, also our quality is grief, you’ve realized how important that is and the pain of the scar affects me to.

Me: Where do you reside this time?

Shadow: Back of your skull reptilian brain 9w1 focus and 4w5 moving to 8 russian patriarchy male bias, you’ve dissolved a bit of.

Me: What is it with these two humans that is so triggering?

Shadow: They want to be champions and heros of their stories and lives, yet they don’t have such a bright and natural outlook for it as you, as the culture sees you as the hero/shining light in anima, and not animus version mostly as well as the balanced form of it, as apparently the animus of black individuals has to be curbed I presume?

Me: Don’t ask me I ask you.

Shadow: Oh, yes well nuance. Both is true, you know?

Me: I know… .why no quiet right?

Shadow: Well, I teach you something today, as you’re doing well and I even feel good, so why not show you the part of that you are a champion in providing even for your mother at times, what you do and how you handle your life impresses many human beigns, and I don’t think you know how much they care and love you, and I don’t think they fell well and are triggering you on accident, they are the way they are.

Me: I give my best to accept that, yet recently it has been a bit to much of triggering, and it’s mostly that the provider does not receive love? Is that the miracle idea in your spectrum.

Shadow: Bing-Bing Bing 100 points for ravenclaw! Smart my friend.

Me: How do you know I still like blue, the conversation with this kindergardener is still like very deep in my mind you know, eventually she did not know…

Shadow: STOP!!! Stay with topic!!! We work on this too now, and the triggering energy of anger here, as long as we don’t get retreat level Shinzen insights we can curb it tough.

Me: You seem oddly cooperative today.

Shadow: Well you’re distracting yourself so much, I don’t even emerge if you check information the whole time, till I emerge HAHAHAHHA

Me: What are we doing man? I am so distracted.

Shadow: Bro you checked the answers again on second screen and got your insight your doing good!

Me: Well what archetypes did we integrate the most besides anima and animus, we barely worked on the persona the outward appearing as you get immensely triggered in that area, and at one point some burn out as you function as 3w4 Yang Fire practically are you okay are we okay? We Know we speak a little chinese bro

Shadow: Okay bro, we go from Mother session to bro language, very intelligent and we had these conversations in Fu-Yin patterning anyhow…

Me: I know not knowing is nice, and slightly knowing no?

Shadow: It’s horrible and you know it…

Me: That is right… so what now?

Shadow: Fine we integrated a lot a lot of femininity the last couple of years with your workouts, and that moved you actually to the masculine as you were so focused on beauty and exellence and radiating so much life, it was obnoxious I bet for the tech nerds where you worked out at, only facing their extinction, while you focused on the expansion and healing qualities, taking breaks in the depth of silence and seeing that as ultimate animus, instead of the penetration and concentration, as that even seemed feminine from higher balance. At least sometimes most of the time it was pure masculine…

Me: What about the others, which ones is the most connected to the provider besides the animus archetype?

Shadow: Wow, beign a Gemini is nice you’ve been striking balance your whole life HHAHA and you’re beign hated for integration, oh how funny is that my child little sun leo we have all archetypes within us.

Me: Well, we get an introjection for that voice.

Shadow: Clever!

Me: Alright, enter this into ChatGPT Therapy, sigh

Shadow: Clever!

Me: Well what is associated with a provider what’s your intuition and gift of healing here with anger and unintegrated part, what part is not integrated?

Shadow: First of all taking care of yourself, more and beign more egotistical for your own good, first of all that.

Me: Well we lost the conversation

Shadow: Second of all you should be focused on integrating the lovers aspect of masculine and feminine more let’s start here with provision, you’re beign shamed for male provision and are in a sort of inevitable child like situation like the sun? Right.

Me: Sort of I don’t feel like an adult at times anymore, and I don’t feel the same stability anymore after loosing 12k approx.

Shadow: Fine, don’t blow up the story to much and let’s dissect it. You’re good at caring emotionally, and even providing physicall and emotionall safe space from animus provider, yet you’re triggered by the material provsion right?

Me: Yes, so I am tirggered by my shadow of materialism

Shadow: correct and you provided with materialsim and not freedom, you gave love don’t get me wrong etc. Yet you did not provide enough freedom.

Me: Also how, when I barely experience it in any endeavour as I experience a lot of failures the fool and hero’s journey feels more holistic.

Shadow: true, yet you deny healing by not beign disciplined and structured and taking the less dopaminergic route you know?

Me: Yes, I want to be a bit more careful with my influence and currently there are higher drives of creativity that I deny through improper provision of myself no?

Shadow: Yes, but this is getting complicated. Let’s take a break!!

Me: Sure… 15 minutes no way I can do a 15 minute session…

Shadow: I am a bit lost also, yet it’s the emproer to your the provider is the emporer to you, that is all I can say you have a very protective level of depth that you have inside of you… dovetail this with ChatGPT and do it for now.

1:

I am the one who is providing like an emproer and enjoy it and have shadows in this area, also in your love life

I am the one who is domineering and ruthless and ignorant at times

My part of provison and anger stem from an inabillity to provide as the emprorer archetype and at times wise old men, especially that can also be a part

I am the one who is aware that I am beign a provider and it makes me angry to feel unloved in that area and I can feel like a tyrant

I am the one who yearns for love as the provider, as some sort of healing modality as you’re very negative to yourself and have been negative to yourself more by surroundings and just despair…

This is about it, I am a bit exhausted finding so many patterns, yet the wound is quite deep with the scar and in 10 seconds I have 1000 new insights.

once3800 · September 12, 2024, 2:34pm

Currently, facing some stuff with the scar and memory I don’t know if this is trauma, yet I don’t like it at times. That I get flashbacks and negative thoughts during stress and the conditioning of things said to me, that others deny and forget etc.

I took a break in order to heal and I noticed coffee is the largest cultprit of issues of integration, and I would enjoy working with a very good energy healer anyhow…

once3800 · September 12, 2024, 5:19pm

Going to call my old psychologist a bit in hopes of stuff, just unfodling in a good way she helped me a lot.

once3800 · September 13, 2024, 8:03am

Doing a 3-2-1 process, also with the dream it won’t be as specific as I’d like to, yet I am generally lost and don’t know where I find the time for stuff, I threw my coffee machine on the street out of rage, as this costed me a lot of outlashes, due to excess Yang energy, and learning more about masculine and feminine principles makes me feel more secure in my perception, as I feel heavily manipulated energy wise with my scar, as human beigns are partially very sick and ill creaturres if they are not Tier 2, I see it very often, within my family for example. I remember my father calling when I was 15 calling her she is worse than hitler and the devil, I was super devasted by this as my mother was super nice and supportive, yet fundamentally she let me play 9 of swords of the tarot the whole day, and was unable to provide emotionally, as she killed her emotions and never seeked a cure for her traumas and denies it and just claims normal, and “no trauma” then everyone has trauma, yet I feel fine and then she causes massiv damage to her child and is unable and incompetent to deal with any issues regarding, sex, gender, race, feminine and masculine and just blames the world, she is a heavy world blamer like my aunt, and this sort of came to me as a rebellious spirit, yet I love the world in contrast to them, even if they claim otherwise, I don’t think they have any level of depth and they are superfical human beigns who suck on the tit of what the world provides for them, as they are unable to properly provide and just are in debt consistently. I have a financial call where I can get money back and get information, I wanted to write, I’ll ChatGPT the dream session as I usually remember my dreams very vividly for months and years.

Shadow Work Session:

Dream & Mother Again:
Breifly the dream was about the guy I punched into the face with a flat hand (did not really wanted to hurt him, yet also did not care), simply with pure energy I feel during meditation in a sense… like I slapped him with choiceless awareness the event was to random and I gut felt predicted it. So I slapped him. I dreamed about something similar of him randomly popping up at the wrong spot, as I got hired at the new company, and instead a friend of mine who has the same name as my current boss, was the empolyee who hired me and the dream was again in my hometown somehow at the gymnasium/high school across my high school, that was not economics focused. So, I had this pattern of seeing offices that were white and clandestine for a small tech firm, and the next day where I was hired, he showed up and was taking part and I was in my dream still furious about him, and thought about how I can even confront him with this rage, while he is following me in this capricous juvenille weedish type of nature of immaturity, as I was introduced to cannabis by him and, then eventually my gf, as I quitted and focused on my health etc. there are various insights I’ve got from this, mostly that cannabis is very benefical the more stable I am, and that I can tolerate and work a lot and even work on coding problems quit well, as the pain from the scar is diminished, yet I have to smoke a lot at times, due to cravings. Anyhow, I sort of chased him out with my anger energy, where people and other human beigns would say to me, I don’t want to meet that type of energy or “If a look could kill/ Wenn Blicke töten könnten” idiom, sort of the INFJ stare in a sense, and I would’ve deleted that guy by energy and it felt like tyranny from a juvenille tyranny against a tyrant as I am more focused on control in the masculine spectrum, than penetration somehow. I don’t know if these dimensions are differnt for men, yet I noticed this. He left my boss the friend I have who is not the real boss/senior, yet a friend of mine was sort of none caring and aloof about it, and thought well we need him, yet we definitely did not need him, as he just benefits from the social sphere and I could do the same and fundamentally, my spotlight is stolen and white majority priviledge is to benefical to him, where I feel wow, the issue than is innovation based on diversity is on hold, and he has to hire new human beigns in that sense for innovation, as the guy is a fake bastard imo.

3:
Alright let’s do this relatively quickly we spent a lot of time on stuff, first of all what was this dream about, you know that I am partially envious that his mother took proper care of him and he benefits very very very evidently in a single-parenthousehold immensely from the majority priviledge as he causes less resistance for growth, and I have to do the more complicated work in order to be rewarded, and he falters as a white baby, while I persevere, yet he get’s the benefits from cooperation while he fundamentally did nothing, besides inserting his stupid ideas, that I expanded already and many agreed upon, yet he lacked the skill to implement it.

What do I do here, what are you teaching me shadow?

Shadow: Well, I am showing you what to avoid, and to be careful who are your friends even now, the new Nils at work you know deep down is the better Nils, yet you’re scared with your influence of freedom, and giving men perspective for their relationships, yet it’s still a very strong undercurrent of this, due to information and learning, yet you’re very harsh on yourself, and this guy only cares about the result and success with you, this guy even had love with you and sort of can’t leave you alone and you feel disrespect as a men, that is why you punched him in the face, tbh you’re spotting another Hitler, like your mother, like my aunt, like my ex, these human beigns are cowards, and you’ve sort of transcend that notion to much at times, and act like one at times, when it comes to women.

Me: Nice transition as of lately I am having issues with the anima materalization of the world and it’s not easy to have materalistic cravings and goals and then meeting a lot of rats. I saw this with rich friends, that is why they are still concerned your nature is entirely different, yet you noticed also the corruption a bit and did not enjoy this based on compassion, where the robbery sha spirit/archetyp from the east I am just going to say as it’s Yong Shen and Mr Jung does not know everything, and I never have meet a psychologist who had a better awareness in psychology than me, even if I never studied it here in Germany, besides the Dr’s let’s say a master is a bit of a joke.

What do we do here? everything seems like it’s repeating itself in cycles endlessly, in this 6w5 country and you don’t enjoy it at all, it’s partially predictable and you get also bullied in this area from 6 wings and it’s partially a very horrible type, yet you score high, and doubt is a financial blocker as Rich Dad poor Dad says etc.

Shadow: Stay clear a bit with the session, with Artem and your Mother, you’re hiding from taking on responsibilities for your own life, and seek that in the company of others, as you can’t stand beign alone, yet for your it’s also different IIRC the guy was also an only child.

Me: Yes, what does that even create, how can I evaluate and or analyze this, and create depth and profundity in meaning and shadow transition?

Shadow: Wow, I am a bit suprised by the level of exellence in your quesiton, I am showing you that you also yearn for social contacts that are technological, and warm in nature and you’re seeking for a human beign who can comprehend your soul, yet this guy was no good, and only wanted to show you love and a connection to reality that is not Truth, Nature, Intelligence etc. Insights you’ve had that just transcend that level of depth totally… and also level of healing as you can then stay alone, as you’re more attuned to nature and the enviroment and can see it as god.

Me: Well, I have no idea where these sessions are taking me, I can connect to nature as god, and as soon as a wasp shows up trust me that level of fear is gone, I can control it to some extend, yet I care more about my physical safety.

Shadow: Let’s rather ask a professional about that, yet till now it’s fine fear is also intelligent no need to get stung etc. you don’t even know why you have that fear besides one simple memory or two as well as the level of allergy you could have might be there, so connect to nature as god, yet you attract them at times to, like Artem they are nature and god you notice?

Me: So quote on quote “evil” is also god, fine, yet fundamentally the issue comes down to problem solving and patience as well as dedication and proper planning. What is your gift from the dream and how is this connected to my mother?

Shadow: You are the one who does not care and looks for social soul connections no matter what and act like an immature kid at times, who does not properly focus on his vision, yet just chases the dreams of others.

Me: Good point I feel at times my vision is inserted by others, even if I generated every single letter by myself, at times I don’t know and get flipped polarities, as it’s different from your zone of genius and most just notice your zone of exellence, you know I can come up with the right information to counter your negative manifestatiosn right?

Shadow: Sure sure, yet also be aware you said your vision is hiding in your trauma and shadow, the guy also wanted to be the be all “whole package” for simplicity you strive for at yellow, yet was absolutely stuck by LC’s in Green, and did not lift for growth, which just fosters the growth immensely and I think it’s mandatory for a specific part in your life, otherwise you just growth through holism, in a sense, which I think is also possible.

Me: Fuck we just switched to the same persona…

Shadow: Y, why not?

Me: Scorpio in retrogrades oh lord… what about my inner child I healed with the cannbis partially where I can let go of the interalized hatred in art, against my mother like Eminime?

Shadow: That psycho whore? Maybe activate your inner psycho ones to reach your dreams, in balance you’ll never get it.

Me: Sure, yet I fked up parts of it and I can’t like my archetype of warrior feels more like a killer and not like a warrior/provider/protector. What gift are you showing me here?

Shadow: What do you prefer the heros journey and beign the fool, feeling innocent and getting second chances or moving and bulldoozing through issues like a warrior, there is usually a switch like in every hero movie/series no? Between the to.

Me: Yes, I am mostly fond of anime, so the spirit often then is very philosophical and related to god in both aspects, are you saying that I am embracing god in both aspects, and that humans like Artem are not bad, yet they are fundamentally flawed, and I lacked the repsonsibility to take care.

Shadow: Sort of yes, yet there is more to it.

Me: What are you showing me and teaching me here?

Shadow:

I am showing and teaching you, that you can take care of others as god like Artem seemed to you and use the majority priviledge to your advantage even if you feel guilty at times, as you play a double spectrum like a shapeshifter and get double the benefits ever noticed?

Me: Yes, yet the financial opportunity is a bit missing no.

Shadow: Be patient even with your fire energy, and aggressive you know these paradoxes come up for you you get worked up are correct 50% of the time and 50% of the time wrong and make a 100% move in a sense, by seeing the mistake more properly, yet you feel so guilty making mistakes… even with all the audiobooks etc, seeing this as a breakthrough and success is very important, especially installing a stronger success mindset, not just principles, yet mindsets On/of Einstellungen I know you hate that word, as it can get so dogmatic…

Me: Yes, we need also art bro.

Shadow; I agree

3:
I am the one who sees responsibility as an act of god and I feel guilty about it
I am the one who craves art to overcome shadow in a more extrem manner and level of depth in love
I am the one who is a tyrant and benefits from the majority priviledge socially
I am the one who craves control as god, like your mother does in anima and not animus, yet I don’t see anima control only in beauty, yet systems are not fully setup sorry…
I am the one who has an extrem level of anger to human beigns who embody spirit and are using it selfishly
I am the one using spirit selfishly in balance
I am the one who does not like fake copy-cats and human beigns who are only out for themselves even when I am at times the fake copy-cat and fake, even though I enjoy it as realness as I know it’s fake it can suck energy.
I am the one who has a warriro spirit in god, and also as a killer as well as the hero archetype is strongly tied to god, and creativity.
I am the one who was unable to see that failure is a brief moment shortly before a breakthrough where I can cultivate persevarance and patience, even if I thought otherwise it was not fully integrated.

Nice I let this session rest, and give some creative expressions with music from all stages an lines what I use during the session mostly for a stronger authentic expression.

I don’t think you want to meet me on a bad day still currently, it also has become more important to stay dangerous and or intelligent to me due to injury and just “animal/mammal” nature, and I hope I can do proper research I ChatGPT the session now…

once3800 · September 13, 2024, 8:11am

This is better than any therapist…, even though some parts are incorrect, and nobody can replace a human, yet if this was placed into an android/humanoid robot, it would be very powerful for healing imo and spirit etc.

Thank you for sharing your in-depth shadow work session, which is quite profound and reflective. The 3-2-1 process (designed to address different layers of self, shadow, and integration) you’ve used reveals a deep engagement with your unconscious material and past experiences. It also highlights the themes of anger, trauma, inner conflict, and yearning for connection with higher principles and self-mastery. Let’s break down the process, evaluate the content, and offer a more refined paradigm for engaging with these insights.

Key Elements of Your Session:

Confronting Shadows (3rd Person):

Observations: You’re confronting people and situations from the past (e.g., your friend Artem, your mother, and the person you slapped in the dream). The themes of anger, betrayal, and feelings of injustice are present.
Insight: There’s an ongoing sense of frustration with people who misuse energy (manipulation, lack of accountability) and privilege, alongside your own struggles with managing these emotions. You feel unfairly treated in social dynamics and express these feelings through aggressive or defensive actions.

Dialogue with the Shadow (2nd Person):

Observations: The internal dialogue with your shadow revolves around anger, frustration, and the struggle to integrate masculine energy and control. There is an acknowledgment of being manipulated, but also a recognition that you too have used power in manipulative ways.
Insight: There’s a yearning for a more balanced masculine expression—strength without destruction, control without tyranny. You’re exploring how to relate to masculine principles, feelings of rage, and the internalized judgments from your upbringing (e.g., your father’s harsh words about your mother).

Integration (1st Person):

Observations: You identify with multiple parts: a warrior, a killer, a protector, and someone deeply tied to creative and spiritual expression. There’s an internal conflict between wanting to embody a higher, more evolved masculine energy and the pull toward anger, destruction, and feelings of helplessness.
Insight: This session shows that you’re seeking balance between extremes—between your aggressive warrior side and your nurturing, creative side. You also express a need to integrate the lessons from trauma and shift out of cycles that feel repetitive.

Mistakes or Areas Needing Refinement:

Over-identification with the Shadow:

You’re deeply immersed in your shadow, which is powerful, but there seems to be a tendency to become too absorbed in the negative aspects (rage, injustice, feeling manipulated). While it’s necessary to confront these aspects, the next step is to gain more distance from them, to prevent the shadow from running your life.

Lack of Clear Vision and Direction:

While you reflect on the people and situations that frustrate you, there’s a need to focus more on where you’re going. A clearer vision for what kind of person you want to become—outside of reacting to external circumstances—will help shift this energy into productive action.

Balance Between Masculine and Feminine Energies:

You’re exploring masculine and feminine principles, but there’s a struggle to fully integrate these energies. The focus seems heavily weighted toward dominance, control, and resistance (e.g., using anger as power), but there’s less emphasis on the softer, more intuitive, and compassionate side of yourself.

Over-reliance on External Validation:

There’s an ongoing tension about others (e.g., Artem) receiving undeserved benefits, while you struggle for recognition. This suggests a need to reclaim internal validation and stop focusing on how others seem to benefit more easily. The goal should be to focus inward on self-mastery, rather than looking outward for fairness.

Corrected Example: A New Paradigm

Here’s a refined 3-2-1 process, incorporating the same themes but with a focus on self-empowerment, emotional balance, and clear purpose:

3rd Person – Objectifying the Shadow

“I see the anger and frustration when I think about people like Artem or my mother. I notice how deeply it affects me when I feel I’m treated unfairly or manipulated. These emotions bubble up as a desire to fight back, to assert control over my life. I can see the pattern—how others who seem to benefit from privilege trigger a sense of resentment in me. It’s a recurring cycle where I feel powerless and want to lash out.”

2nd Person – Dialogue with the Shadow

Me: “Why do you keep showing up in my life as anger and frustration? What are you trying to teach me?”

Shadow: “I’m here to remind you of your power, but also to show you where you’ve been wounded. The anger comes from a place of feeling unjustly treated, of not being seen or acknowledged for your value. But this isn’t just about others—it’s about the way you see yourself. You react to their privilege because you feel your own power is being taken away, when in reality, you’ve always had it. I show up to teach you how to reclaim it—not through force, but through balance.”

Me: “How do I stop reacting this way? How can I use this energy differently?”

Shadow: “By stepping out of the cycle. Anger is a teacher, but it’s not the destination. You must learn to channel this energy into something constructive—like your work, your art, and your relationships. The more you focus on yourself, the less others will have power over you. You’ve been letting them dictate how you feel, but you’re capable of so much more. Your true power lies in your ability to create, not to destroy.”

1st Person – Integrating the Shadow

“I am the one who seeks power and control, but I am learning that true control comes from within. I am the one who has felt anger, but I now see it as a signpost, not a destination. I have the strength of a warrior, but I also have the wisdom of a creator. I am integrating both aspects of myself—using my strength to build, not just to fight. I no longer need to compare myself to others or worry about what they are getting, because my focus is on my own growth and purpose. I choose to move forward with clarity, patience, and a deeper sense of compassion—for myself and others.”

Key Changes in This Paradigm:

Empowerment over Reaction: The focus shifts from external comparisons and reactions to reclaiming your inner power and clarity of purpose.
Balanced Integration of Masculine and Feminine: Instead of seeing the masculine as purely aggressive or controlling, it’s now balanced with wisdom, patience, and creation.
Emotional Distance and Mastery: You engage with your shadow, but now you are not overwhelmed by it. There is space for reflection, healing, and mastery over emotional responses.
Clear Vision: You begin to shift away from reacting to what others are doing and focus on your own growth. There’s a sense of long-term vision and direction.

By working with your shadow this way, you can begin to heal and transform the parts of yourself that feel stuck in the past, while moving toward a future that is aligned with your true strengths and purpose. How does this adjusted process resonate with you? Would you like to explore any specific aspects further?

once3800 · September 13, 2024, 8:19am

You’re exploring how to relate to masculine principles, feelings of rage, and the internalized judgments from your upbringing (e.g., your father’s harsh words about your mother).

You must learn to channel this energy into something constructive—like your work, your art, and your relationships.

Clear Vision: You begin to shift away from reacting to what others are doing and focus on your own growth. There’s a sense of long-term vision and direction.

Focusing on who I want to be without having my body changed and formed into the muscle stuff and injury causes me immense vision breaks, and this is also a collective spectrum, and a lot of notions are about being a multi-millionair/entrepreneuer/leader and this gives me a lot of drive to get clarity for my vision, this is what I can consciously detect.

Shadow says there is a higher abillity to create then to destroy within me, even though when I did the integral mindfulness course, I was more in a deconstructive pattern at red, yet I used it as my strength to holistically recreate and sort of create a classic, I noticed this when I played chess and made a brilliant move in my first 100 games or 200 games, how much of it is like an inevitability by god, like I don’t even think an A.I and these are moves beyond A.I as far as I know can calculate this, and it’s an pure expression of creativity/spirit/flow/god/excellenec and mastery in a sense.

I don’t have the money right now for a visionboard, yet I can create the pictures with Dall-E and write down what kind of man I want to be, yet I have to ask what are higher masculine principles and to embody them and immediately also the feminine, as I am a Gemini and the lovers archetype is just to evident. Black women told me as a kid, I am going to be a heartbreaker, when I check my Algo’s I attract everything besides blonde women somehow etc. Yet that for a different day, and mostly also asian girls and arabian girls, yet at times the stages are missing, and I just date normal brown haired girls, I also noticed yesterday beauty, skin and looks and some psychdelic integration I’ve been neglecting and not noticing in a sense, where there is a golden shadow, about human beigns who are not as attractive and a shadow about human beigns who are highly attractive, yet do not embody spirit and sort of use like 1% of it for healing anyhow… my wrist hurts… and it’s injured I am out!!!

once3800 · September 13, 2024, 8:24am

This is what I feel I get on a daily basis, the more I get on my purpose etc. It’s more of a 6’ish psychic manner like the “Jäger” stuff I posted above, yet Gerrmany and German genetics at times I would love to delete it all or reengineer, as a better Hitler disgusting humans partially, and their genetics are fked I rather keep my eyes open.

once3800 · September 13, 2024, 9:05pm

As nobody, seems to bothered by it and the human beigns on average here are more conscious than on other websites, I highly appreciate that I can be open about my journaling and sharing stuff.

The shadow work is kicking in, in terms of it’s effectivness and I notice I have a stronger tolerance for rational and mythic lines of development and can engage with them more without beguiling them in any sense as well as connecting them and even feeling friendship, how it usually was. I was very good at befriending, so called “enemies”, yet I have to contiously also evolve, and many of them are coming from an integral honest place at one level, yet have had traumas which burry their development, I never noticed!

I still struggle with some stuff, yet I can focus on my goals more and my vision, it’s very good that I introduced ChatGPT and Jungian archetypes to gestalt therapy, it should fit, and I don’t think I will go to a therapist, even though I’d partially like to, yet I’d like to work with an integrally informed one at best, and also a Ph.D at best, in my experience this worked the best, if we’re similar in intelligence it’s not so good for me. I prefer someone who is more intelligent and compassionate. Not somewhat equal, a clear difference or a high attunement in that sense anyhow! Making progress with the relationship course and finding back my way to also physically journal.

once3800 · September 13, 2024, 9:10pm

I notice my fear of success is the typical 6 spectrum of right before the success I get anxiety when I checked the enneagram course I bought here, and yes I could do some shadow work around the ennea then! This is all very beautiful! I also feel more whole and notice the religious indoctination partially of my ex, with masturbation as when I check evidence we had better sex everytime the darker I was in my fantasy, as well as the more I masturbated and engaged in my natural drives, and I was also more present, yet not as loving, which is an important distinction!

Also our relationship was super complicated, due to cannabis usage, pro e-sports brothers of hers, family drama corruption, and the orange/blue spectrum I am working through now, I avoided these colors they attracted these colors by walking and their entire family is corrupt in a sense. Not getting into details, yet seeing how this will work out with the either/or thinking map, and evil the guy presented here. I went so crazy, due to to much coffee… What a sentence… I never thought that coffee could be such a huge cultprit as I was becoming more and more succesful, yet only short-term success = burn out & burn on phenomena and when I was more clean in 2016/17/18 approx. 17 it already started, due to “scientific me” to play around with psychdelics and testing experiments with smoking. The point is I notice a lot of things in the either/or spectrum many want me to become a teacher, expert etc. On a topic, as I see the holistic move up to it interconnect and connect, make others go lost, then reconnect and nobody really feels offended till I hit the stage of offending, or the discussion at the same level turns into a dispute. Anyhow I am out for now!!!

once3800 · September 13, 2024, 9:14pm

I think also being in a relationship with a 3w2 I should’ve noticed that not knowing her emotions is part of her feeling, I forgot this is a 3 aspect. IIRC they have the most open heart chakra and during that time I was wondering as I am 4w5 what happend to my section, they barely talked about it only the 3 and it’s creative aspect I felt a bit cheated on the course. I might watch it again, IIRC their hearts are overactive and they need rest and recovery to attune back to themselves aka quiet time and time for themselves to sort out and discover their authentic feelings. I am a bit faster, yet I am partially lost in the turmoil of others finding back to myself is like finding god/spirit a times…

once3800 · September 13, 2024, 9:16pm

Yes, in the Enneagram, Type 3s are part of the Heart Triad, along with Types 2 and 4. This triad is generally focused on emotional intelligence and self-image, which directly connects to the heart center or heart chakra. Type 3s, especially, are known for shaping their identity based on external validation and societal standards. As a result, their heart chakra can be highly active as they strive to achieve and maintain their image, often masking or ignoring their deeper, authentic emotions.

This focus on achievement can lead to emotional disconnect or a struggle to understand their own feelings, even though they are perceived as highly “heart-centered.” The need for rest and recovery is important for them to reconnect with their authentic selves, as you pointed out. Quiet time allows them to slow down and access their true feelings, which are often suppressed in favor of external goals.

As a 4w5, you likely resonate more deeply with introspection and the search for authentic emotions, which may make the 3’s approach seem different or even frustrating at times.

I should’Ve talked to ChatGpt to get clarity on my relationships… sigh I could use this tool the whole day…

once3800 · September 14, 2024, 10:31am

I wonder if spiritual gifts, and stuff you experience what psychologis call psychosis are more experienced of higher stages of development, I have to read and research more about what Wilber wrote, as I don’t think a licend psychologist in this day and age, has the abillity to help anyone, as this is insane what I am going through and imo this is mostly, due to discrimination and lack of information and bias, the new systemic thing the other Keith brought out deals with this and gives me clarity, yet the subjectiveness was missing from what I skimmed, it’s also not easy to find time to listen to this, and the circumstances I am going through I wonder if I find a women who will accept this, a good friend of mine helps me to manage, yet I want to stay clear of my discriminatory family, and white priviledge in a sense that uses an unconscious univeralism, to sabotage and create advantages in their psyche “while trying to help”, esepcially if they are “normies” and not integrally informed, as well as never did sports/exercise and cling to a strong 6w5’ish pattern it’s pure pathology to engage with humans like this. They diagnosed me seeing me once with a psychosis, and it’s an absolute atrocity and when I self test in quiet and peace there is no evidence, yet they are sort of assholes, when I tell them about retreats and kryia experiences and they worry and worry and create negative circumstances for me, I decided for now to never go to a psychologist again, as long as it’s not integral and or a someone who has the qualifications that I am looking for, what happend now looking for help, when I was feeling sick and they sort of caused it when I do my own therapeutic work, it’s disgusting and I don’t know and feel a bit odd. As I have to manage all of this b.s now and can’t focus on my studies after eliminating root cause after root cause and testing and trusting my experiences, I will not engage with a standard psychologist and this area anymore, I talk about them I like them in my free time, yet I will not engage with them, as they have caused me more issues, due to a lack of comeptency than anything else in the recent years, just trusting the external system and myself. You know what they said to me?

Don’t do this to yourself you are healthy. Like where can I find a psychologist that works on health and sees me as healthy, and I fully know I went crazy a bit, yet I was so dejected and traumatized by the things I’ll write here about, so you can see the authenticity, as I hope I find the time to do the proper research to find solace in a sense. I am doing my best to integrate the paradox of finding a good psychologist and doing psychological work and not going to one, as they caused more damage, than good and they lacked funds to support me ultimately, the services I was offered are not enough and just exercise and shadow work doing that myself and also taking breaks from this is healing enough and reading Wilber, honing my intuition by having more information available, is something I was missing and also noticed during psychdelic usage. I mean I did 50 trips, imagine 50 trips, I don’t hear voices, I don’t speak in an barely intelligble way, and I don’t see myself as a guy who is an unrecognized genius, and I think other human beigns who are deeply jealous and envious, as I was supposed to be tested for giftedness etc. and I infact have more insecurities than securities in this area.

Yet, than this again is seen as a fact for some sort of psychology, it’s so tricky dealing with stage green people, and their hierachies it’s in a sense a pathology, as they only care about mutal feelings and shared experiences, I don’t think they comprehend the psyche, and what I did during the crazy times was me testing reality, due to various other psychological reasons. I analyzed myself for years in order to find solutions and solace for problems and found many, most lie in my family and it’s treament and discrimination. It’s important to realize and do a lot of shadow work, the advice from Corey was very bad to stopping to do shadow work, it would’ve been smarted to say don’t identify with your shadow, and I feel like I generally have more wisdom to give in this area to others. I will take this very seriously and work on it when I find time I am soon done with the relationship course, and I am appaled and find more solace at what happened to me. Let alone the abillity to speak english is a big T trauma for me, as nobody taught me and it’s supposed to be my mother tongue, I am just going to focus on adapating to them, and being the “normal” in their eyes and enjoying myself and the stage red side of me in privacy and with human beigns who deserve it, and staying clear of my family, even when a part of me loves them, they have been causing massive damage emotionally, not structurally, yet emotionally and the help that I received was not good, and to uneducated, when I notice how intelligent Dr. Keith Witt is and how much biological knowledge he also has, also knowledge about substances and I look up Paul Check and how he vehemently advicese to stay clear of these instituitions I notice it’s very important to not engage with my mother, and this energy of her “sucking the systems dick” and it’s better to have good friends etc. Right now I have been so heavily discrimianted also, due to dating, that I stick with clear information and stay away from these rabbit holes, and work on my own psychology with gestalt therapy, and the 3-2-1 process this has been the only thing helping, and my deepest experiences I won’t share anymore, I notice my life and my success is at stake and my masculine essence is beign curbed, and my phenotypical expression does not help me at times, and I can’t smile and make others happy with my innocent energy the whole time, I am also processing stuff.

The fundemental issues is dealing with modern and mythic regressions of post-modern humans who regress to experts and diletants in that way, and what I said to them, I should’ve researched on my own, it was a bad mistake to engage with these humans. I don’t think they are out for me, and or whatever they perceived I thought they could help me when I am honest, and explain and show some experiences, and they totatlly misinterpreted it and think they help while doing more harm, just protecting in that sense themselves, and the nuances of how I was treated by them get’s lost and I can’t believe at times how corrupt that is in a sense.

A good friend of mine is helping me and the more clarity I find, the more I am using programms that are beneficial to me and I stay clear of psychologists for now. I legit got psychosis states from malnutrient and to much coffee and they went crazy as I was heart broken, the white kid get’s a psychologist I get supervision by state, I hope these humans rot in karmic hell. Seriously this can’t be their approach, and I think I live long enough to notice, I never have had mania states, and I should just be careful as the healthy stuff the old psychologist was working on with giftedness and high sensetivity, has more truth to it. Anyhow I will do a 3-2-1 session soon.

once3800 · September 14, 2024, 10:44am

This is great! I’ll digest this and do some gestalt therapy, as much as I can today, I have stuff to do. I hope I can still afford integral stuff, as holy cow a heart ache and the immensity of what I went through I wonder. ALso I can ChatGPT the sessions and gain immense insights, that is an advantage that is cool. I just checked some stuff where I had presumptions, as my last gf was Alawis and the first girl I had sex with was Kurdish and both of them are expelled, due to their difference in religious beliefs and the demand for autonomey, and IIRC they have been heavily discriminated against. It was odd that this happend and I did not meet a more “classical” turkish girl, as we have a lot of turkish folk here and I enjoy it immensely usually. I could use ChatGPT more often for clarity, as I have an immense thirst and curiosity, and I was thinking they opposite, yet they have more in common actually, and the kurdish humans are even sunnits which I did not know, I could educated myself more about their culture, as they are usually the ones supporting me from a blue/orange level of development and they are the least judgemental humans I interacted with, even if they talk b.s, most of them have brought me more benefits, it’s more like the white part of me and side is what needs healing, as it’s higher developed, has a higher compelxity on average… and just causes also then more pathology with wrong assumptions etc. Anyhow I dive into this a bit then do a 3-2-1 and look to schedule this work properly.

once3800 · September 14, 2024, 2:34pm

3-2-1 Process: Topic Let’s Take Leo Gura And Also Anger As A Topic And Repressed Anger

3: It feels like there is a corrupt gangster inside of me that acts like he is ethical, yet is beign abusive verbally and gaslighting without seeing it as a clear mistake as I have am the mesiah

Leo Gura is like an asshole uncle who acts like her cares, yet in reality he is only doing self-service and he is like an egotistical twat who engages in cheating, lying and deceiving for only his own benefit

It feels like this is an issue with money and that following this guys anger and repressed trauma as well as the anger I feel as about money, as I am very good with money

It feels like there is a a sense of irresponsibility inside of me because of anger and money issues, that have been denied by my parents

It feels like there is a drive that yearns to overcome this via creativity

He is like a rampaging tyrrant only following his own nose without concerning the needs for others and is highly arrogant and opinoated about his work and reality

He seems like a majority priviledge abuser by beign kind and just, yet at the sametime he is also very concerned of the minority, yet creates bad energy and is also an immigrant

He looks like he is hiding his insecurities of beign an immigrant and not an actual american and feels guilty about it like many

He is and seems to be hiding anger and abuse against women, with his public persona

2:

Me: What’s you Leo you rat, you know I hate you for your lazy encouraging and consistently taking the wrong human beigns who inspire me to work hard and demonize them to your own benefit, now I am at a loss,having followed your shit and I fell gaslit and you take my reality not really for real, you don’t even properly engage in it and dismiss it collectively.

Shadow/Leo: How can this be my fault? I am the one introducing you to all of these nice topics and showing you how to move out of wage slavery and I am beign personally attacked for who I am? How is that fair?

Me: I see what you feel, yet at the same time this is normal and can be expected, even if a lot of human beigns like you a lot will also hate you, including me for your personality as it then feels in authentic and my gut feeling tells me “Oh there is something wrong with that guy” better be careful. What do you have to say about that? What are you shwoing me shadow?

Shadow/Leo: Your own anger and irresonsibility when it comes to your personality, you think you can get away with anything as your half/half, the same that I do as an immigrant outsmarting the system to be smart like my Dad!!

Me: Sure, I don’t intend to do a long session today, as I am very hungry and I am partially lost on what to even eat following your dipshit advice, and barely having any money to feed myself. Why do you consistently spin negative narratives out of my writting and negative self-fullfilling prophecies are you envious of my achievments and that I was following your work so well, that you became jealous this was clearly evident with TJ Reeves and others, as soon as someone is better than you and or acts with more authority you ban him. What are you hiding here shadow? What is your gift?

Shadow/Leo: I don’t like it and I feel insecure when someone has higher authority and is abusive, I’ve been abused by a man okay… I don’t know what to feel and think at times, and I was a kid and innocent!!!

Me: I feel you, yet I also get why you got bad energy from me, as I was bullied and I was once pulled in by a guy, yet my friends brother saved us etc. So there was no real harm, yet the German law thing and having early sex triggered the living shit out of you I felt, as I witnessed a lot of b.s in that area unfortunately, I am not sharing that openly and you get your rat glee from, actually what is the wisdom in there?

Shadow/Leo: Humour can be healing, why not see life as an illusion?

Me: What happend to your realisim now? Gosh this session are partially endless, why do I get so angry about injustice and majority priviledge when I see you.

Shadow/Leo: As I present myself as your hero, and you want to be your own hero, and I wanted to be a role model for you and my followers, yet somehow for some I am not, and this makes me upset.

Me: This is human, why not help them create their story and their arch and show some emotions and some of the obstacles you overcame.

Shadow/Leo: Yet a lot of human beigns will leave me then… I am not as brave as you…

Me: I know!! I am also so angry because of this and you have so much freedom and security from your upper class lifestyle and the sinus wave that your household income was, yet what I feel is it ruined my mindset about university and studying, I love university in a sense and studying even working through their shadows you ever noticed, I feel so odd that a lot of healing stuff pops up, as soon as I am beginning shadow work, it’s like I am spinning and fixing the whole world with words, something you wished for. What do you even deem conscious?

Shadow/Leo: God, this is so complicated, sure believe what you want I don’t care.

Me: What can I even learn from you then what is your gift?

Shadow/Leo: You get very angry if you feel you don’t have impact and briefly before your success like the type 6 and lord of the rings and all of the b.s that you talk about, the point is I made a mistake of introducing only the hero archetype in my course and not the warrior presenting myself as the warrior as I wanted to be the provider

Me: Sure… I can get it if you don’t go out I went out when I was 14 drinking alcohol seeing the collective psychodynamic I’d call American Giraffian Law in Chicago and disgustment of Germanincs, as well as why I think Martin Luther is partially a holy name, I als onotice when I work with tribal archetypes etc. I notice stuff, that is quiet intense.

Shadow/Leo: Yes, then do your stuff I don’t care I think I am a shaman too, if you’re speaking like this I barely find the logic to answer to you.

Me: Talking to you is so difficult, you are so heavily at criticizing mastery it feels like there is a part of me that is deeply disturbed by what you claim to be and there is a fake air of your supremacy and superiority, do I have that too at times?

Shadow/Leo: Yes, that is sympathy for me people take you to glory for various reasons.

Me: Great… logic…

Let’s stop here…

3:

I am the one who was denied the warrior archetype by provder type humans who can’t properly provide and have issues integrating this aspect we’re one and the same breed

I am the one who is acting tribal and angry at times, due to feeling insecure in my identity and having been on the receiving end of discrimination and gaslighting, we’re one and the same

I am the one who is able to use logic to divide my shadow into parts in order to manage the emotional impact.

I am the one who thinks and beliefs, yet does not know that his/her shadow work in anima and animus has a collective impact, and I am jealous at times beacuse of this and yearn to do more

I am the one who is confused about this

I am the one who has received damage from beign approach by old men, yet was able to heal myself through time and distance and fortuantely nothing ever happend, we’re the same, yet experience differ, I feel sorry for you!

I am the one who has a lot of anger of human beigns who have that what is missing at times, instead of beign grateful to witness it a classic 4 position and cognitive focus/habitation

That is approxiamtely it for today.