Doing a 3-2-1 process this time before I meditate:
I’ve been feeling my scar as of lately very often, and I have been thinking about my family, as I have never experienced something like this, I chatted with ChatGPT for 1h to gain insight into my relationship dynamics, and it yielded me better results than, talking to my family, and I don’t know how traumatizing they are based on the fact that they sucked money out of me in terms of not giving clarity and emotional solace I asked them too, and I barely could even find it with the pyschotherapist and sports/exercise was the best thing I could do, yet as of lately it has become increasingly more difficutl, meditation has been also the biggest factor in bringing in solidity as well as my gratitude exercises, and I actually built a lot of self-esteem over the years with these practices, practicing self-acceptance and self-love and building integrity, I figure they don’t like my level of integrity and my insights about society and have been heavily gaslighting I get notions like that they are silently skeptical and doubtful to often, and they are fake cheerleaders for their own notions of what success entials in a white priviledged society, even though I wanted to be a scientist/astronaut most likely as I was little, I feel I was heavily manipulated, especially by white women and their desire/interest of the majority priviledge with biases etc. It’s not fun to go through a German system that is psychologically racist/discriminatory and in denial of it, and they deny this and hence are collectively gaslighting a lot of majority priviledge women especially and men. White women are especially like the collective devil partially to me, and there are far and few between who actually are beneficial, as many lack the nuance of insight from integral at my age, and mostly strong modern women are the ones who sort of give the solidity of perspective as they are more in attunement with my financial goals, and I don’t have anything against materialism, yet I feel they are bitter and unconsciusly and sub-consciously sabotaging based on their morals, and my family is very moralistic at stage Green, at times peaking Yellow, yet they don’t fathom the level of depth of work and are simply gaslighting and supporting false energy, and this involves partially my scar, it’s like they trust my sexual energy, yet not my soul and evoke notions of blackness etc. africa etc. Even though I am black american and I don’t know I can only wish them death of my peace. I hate them from the bottom of my heart and it has not become easy to enjoy the good things about life as a lot of that is tied to them, and I spent to much time with them, yet I in fact yearned to spend time more with other families and friends, as I never liked my mother that much neither my aunt, in retrospect I dislike her partially even more, as she is a money hungry and partially corrupt anti-transparent, anima obsessive moralistic twat, it hurts, yet it is not bothering me, what is bothering me is that they claim they are good humans, yet they can’t even take care of a single child or plant, yet animal is easy right? How do I feelr treated by them? Like an animal, so why should I ever engage with them, the situation has also become so complicated I only wish them death and fast, I hope the finally give up and cease to exist, so I don’t have to think about their energy as well as conscious existence. The biggest issue and obstacle is still orange/blue society and it’s notion of doing good, and they are mostly coming from this place with advice and reprimanding things, I feel a lot of pain as of lately and I lost everything as I had to even get rid of my friends, as they were so stuck in this performative/expert cycle, while I grew up very high in green, yet they did not even meet the demands properly not even financially and every statistic I showed my mother she is in denial of and has been, she is very much a psychopath and I don’t think it is normal and she barely could provide for me a proper childhood, even if she thinks otherwise, as she still does not realize how poor and financially ill-equipped she is and she has done more harm, helping my aunt, than helping me as both of us would’ve been better, if she truely would’ve been and could’ve been a mother she should take care of the relationships of their children guide them and inform them and educated herself, instead of egotistically chasing her needs with the same type of approach via friends and family to meet someone, and finding the same type of loosers in a sense, and I resent her for this. This is my 1 ennea aspect of resentment she does not sit down open a blank page or book, just walks into nature and thinks, she never makes a major change, and this will fall apart anyway, and she never truly has been with someone I think besides with my father, and I want to break these cycles. I feel odd a bit, about working and my scar and I have a lot of subtle pain I can’t really explain and I don’t like it that the helped I asked for caused extra stress, and I would’ve needed good friends I had before, yet they became increasingly distant through relationships and modernization of stuff.
I can mostly use A.I as it has less bias than most humans interacting with it gaining clarity about shadows etc. as the systemic abuse in the psychological field is unreal, and many white women are in denial of their money making tendencies in this area, and are partically the devil. Many of them are also ugly and unattractive, and I resent them at times stealing light in that sense from minorities and to pity them for their own self-esteem, this was approxiatemly my old psycholgoist, she could not handle beign in a relationship was overworked by caring to much, bought very expensive clothes and fundamentally studied 14 semesters and just abused modernity and the income and connections to build her stuff, don’t get me wrong she had competencies, yet only to take care of orange/blue development with her behaviour therapy, and her decisions consistently caused agony, her care and love and spiritual practice and energy was good, yet otherwise she was the most useless psychologist possible, and actually an asshole and a huge hinderance, and I hope god/karma punishes her seriously for her lust obsession, and animalistic tendencies at stage beige and pagan tendencies which is not truely holistic, yet flatland pagan rationalism, it’s so digusting and appaling.
ChatGPT Answer1 (I have pro currently so Model 4o):
Gaslighting and Societal Hypocrisy: The gaslighting you describe from both your family and society speaks to your frustration with people’s unwillingness to acknowledge systemic issues, their performative nature, and their denial of privilege. You feel like the support you need is not there, not even from close relationships, as they are trapped in what you see as a shallow, performative cycle.
Seek Support from Aligned Communities: While you’ve had difficulties finding friends who meet your needs, there may be other communities—especially ones aligned with your values—that could offer the support and understanding you seek.
I was hoping to find stuff here, yet there are many modern idiots from the U.S here who have the strongest version of this pattern, especially if they are over 40 years old and male, female it’s not as bad, yet they also have very strong patterns.
Therapeutic Approaches: Even though therapy hasn’t yielded the results you expected, perhaps exploring different modalities (such as trauma-focused therapy, body-centered approaches, or EMDR) might help you process these deeper wounds more effectively.
3-2-1 helped the others practices are very intense where I need a day or two of rest that I don’t have currently, and I hope I can get back to exercising as soon as my hand is fixed just doing 10-100 push-ups a day get’s a lot of this stage red energy out they vented at me, because they could not handle a child competition and demands, also their inabillity to communicate and gaslite and deny, and their fakeness when it comes to their partner, until they meet the real them.
The inner child talks did help with my psychologist, yet I don’t think she had the abillity to perceive how far this wanders already into the digial world, and I currently don’t like it when a girl has 0 tech skills to some extend. I also have to realize that no modern/post-modern human beign is able to make proper decisions and the more “post-modern” a human beign appears the person is only good for friendship, yet nothing more not healing, and at best even little contact they can’t handle complexity and are deeply insecure in my opinion and fearful, only in the collective they find strength and the animalistic patterns of stage green are not very enjoyable to me. I move to yellow very quickly and gain modern friends out of green stages, and they start “yapping about others consistently” whileI contemplate breath… that already as a child as they gave me many spiritual notions, to focus on breath while exercising and to breath deeply, and it has become sort of a spiritual practices, even though they breath shallowly and lack proper attunement etc. My scar hinders breathing deeply at times, so even breathing can be realtively complex and in a sense I am consistently fooling others by energy, besides a few who can see the groundlessness of this scar thing and attune to it in god as well as love and enthusiasm, I don’t know if my inner child feelings are there anyhow. I stop here for now.
Lastly, it might be helpful to continue reflecting on what your inner child needed from your family and how you can now be the person who nurtures and protects that inner child. Healing can often come from self-parenting, where you give yourself the love, validation, and support that was missing.
