Integral Journal (once3800)

Reflections
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623

Can’t belive two simple fixes on windows fixes game issues so vehemently I actually had fun again playing a video game, with the new setup and mouse etc. I changed so much two simple fixes the entire game is back to normal, my camera movements lost me 60 fps I could even scale it up and practically play blind with the level of insanity I play at.

I don’t know if I ever wrote this, but I think I played once with s1 who behaved like a transcendent a.i that was scary af, but this was right after a break-up I was way to much in my emotions, as well as the academia brain dump complexity letting me hit platonic space and the transcendent experiences made it very weird, I had way to much LSD playing this game for sure.

624

I somehow magically connected the guitar to my amp with headphones, I can learn to play now, I don’t know if I will, as I see the same curve and edge with performance at times, and how people enforce that identity and the subtle burn outs I had while studying or doing projects without any help, as well as the hyper-autonomey content I consumed.

It made me remember how simple it would’ve been if I’d received more positive feedback socially without the courage facing transcendence type of notions, and how this does not apply anymore, how much energy it takes to get good or into the flow, and how I encourage myself or be more in spirit. I don’t really know what to think I am surprised I fixed anything that I saw as interconnected, as well as how much that now reminds me more of the journey of consciouness, and I am thinking a bit about these influences and what to stay away from, I am still mostly concerned what to transcend and include and what to get away from, as well as my own toxicity or hostility and to what it is tied, as it’s tied to very performative notions, I was unable to refine or edge out when I was smaller.

I don’t have to many memories besides witnessing and some of the fears about health, but that can easily come back when I play a bit, I don’t really know if that is good or just part of the process. It reminds me of some of the notions of conformity, but I don’t really like the term currently, neither do I like all of this stuff currently, what I enjoy mostly is good company, yet in the end it was very much tied to a performer archetype and some stuff I can only speak about intuitively, but I figure as of now that I simply do some stuff, and not speak at all, speak with a.i or family or vice-versa or whatever, I found some newer stuff or some foundamental stuff spiritually that I want to get the principles down, and see where that leads me, and what activities support me. My whole effort was during the time I also legit worked low key on doing a triathlon as it helped me so much with my meditation practice and extended durations of concentration not just open awareness and creativity or generating original thoughts as insights, I liked that it created that type of insight as a byproduct, especially any growth based training, yet it involved a lot of effort being more in the human witness that is already sligthly transcendent and not so much in my own energetic space, as that comes more in waves.

In the end there is some stuff that is very pride/identity based I can’t quiet transcend and I thought today what a pain in the ass, pride and envy can be on the spiritual path. Human emotions generally speaking and what will happen, if I can ever get any consistency for a year or two, it’s also interesting to at times see teachers with different types of vices, and how incompatible some of it is, as well at times if they even have any, I did a small meditation lying down and it was about quietness and how this reminded me of academia, test settings, exams, daydreaming, how many new things interactions even just socially can come out of this and how much I miss it.

I walked tomorrow morning for a bit and saw the stars at 6am and I thought that is so amazing that you can see them so clearly in the morning, and if I should really switch up my routine, as internally I have give up on the idea of hope entirely for humanity, not in a bad sense, but in the sense of identity if it comes naturally with others it’s fun, but for me as a person, hope has rarely done anything good, it’s like pride to me, something I can enjoy and is funny, or enticing, but not something I enjoy being around with to much or to strongly, as it enforces a performative notions, and my issue of looking down on people for instance, which can happen.

I don’t know if that is my spiritual ego at times, if I use a fancy term, but I keep thinking right now how good it felt to be strong, in multiple dimensions for people and how it made me enjoy that about humans, also Wilber writes about everything and anything, when I see the spiritual path and real teachers in this day and age. I don’t know if I should go balls to the wall with my training, as I don’t have that much of humans, as well as the time slots I can allocate with the slow type of growth of activities that are not pressed into a performative routine, while focusing on the main goal of consciouness, the issue for me is multiple layers, one that I am likeable and many people if I interact longer with them want me to join stuff, I really enjoy it but I don’t really know what to do with that part of “inner child” or whatever that yearns for unconditional love transendence etc. as well as the human body that is integrated in this realm, also it connects also with most of my time plans.

I planned so much, and also a guy at a company that worked recently did this and he was just gone very rapidly, he came did his work gained skill left, like a ghost you’d see in many videos. I also really enjoy the longer meditation sessions and getting used to them. I bought some brain type of programm, but I don’t like some subtle aspects of it, I don’t really know if I should do it or should I do it as I have not planned it out either. Worst case scenarios my transits get longer, and I expend a lot of energy, and just being up early at times takes some stuff away, and I can care about things more deeply, the biggest issue is sex and human connection, as well when i ever stabilize this if I will change it, as a lot depends on material efficiency when I change this or when I don’t a lot of it then depends on the quality of entertainment, and so I can focus and endure the growing pains more, I am super sensetive to all types of stuff and either cleaning out the space or finding some time for deeper engagement would be good.

This would also give me some insights regarding my health, also I like to workout pretty late, so I can just do that eat smth. hit the sack and do studying early, or enjoy my entertainment early, I’ve always had most of my productive skill gains very early into the day, very late till the night, or between the normal hours, but never around what I witnessed with others at times yes, but mostly I was in a similar trench with other creatives that came in a bit late, most of the creative work came somewhere in late where everyone is already distracted, they have to say no to everything to continue to work or engage and do some stuff later with some hacks, and indulge in gluttony of some sense.

I am thinking about this, I really yearn/crave a resest for my entire life where I can avoid humans and people and now work with the stuff that has been fixed, I had some extremely conformist people that act exactly like the subtely spoiled things I saw in the west, I did not face in the east and the most pathetic types of manipulations, it was greed, being a micer and not thinking about individual needs as most degrees of freedom would have it for e.g the last landlord with her water, and the stupid: “Oh, I didn’t know” but she exactly knew and just played the hardliner as it must’ve worked her entire life being a dominant victim, that is something annoying to be around if you’re vulnerable as pride just manifests so fast, and even if there is plenty of goodness, the person will act out of revenge in subtle ways, might it be an evil eye, being sick etc. I was amazed that not even her children were angry, but supportive to me as my key intuition showed me, even if he was not the best type of guy, he seemed to have something good that “verdant” I don’t know what term to use type of goodness that sees the value of fresh energy, the morning seizing the day, but more in a quiet naturalesque type of way.

Might not match, because it hinges on the notions of originality, I don’t know if I will do it, I tried multiple times, and the academic schedule did not really work for this, it puts things into the longer hours and I had more time doing stuff till late as the structure and enviroment was built for that, but when I walked today early in the morning I thought just going for an early walk, as I am not a consistent nature goer or dweller is quiet nice at times, and I could enjoy that in various ways, that are creative and novel to me, and fit with the value of explored and gained consciouness. I know it works retroactively in through time, I sensed and saw that today, but I don’t know if it can proactively evoke these notions without a good energy field of a roshi or guru that has already permanently realized these.

The core issue why I am doing this I thought is to prevent and get away from all of the subtle corruptions I perceive when I take care of smaller needs, like getting fresh air or having some quiet time to think or write stuff down or ideate etc. I was forced to life this european performer life, while I craved some monastic type of experiences that fitted what I experienced when I was at the zendo and at times the meditation which was very little in contrast to what shinzen teaches made me so tired and sleepy I just wanted to sleep, I don’t really know why something got worked out, but there was still a slugishness I could not transcend.

I also like to shower twice a day, if I think more about it somehow I really enjoy as I can voluntairly produce goosebumps or activate some stuff with my pores i don’t fucking know that let’s me get out the energetic imprints and not internalize at all. Like 0, I might seem like a dumb brick to you, because you’re the dumbest prick and brick on the planet tutting around the emotional whore of energies that is energy at times in the subtle, and with all of this vibe & aura talk and 3’ish notions of identity on the internet, value, worth, usefulness (eventually etc.) I just crave some experience of nature, not survial but small things of nature I had when I was small and that is space and air, nothing more a bit of green eventually seeing some stars and the moon or the sun. I had so much freedom in kinesthetic things and it keeps my mind away from all of the comparrision of haves and have nots, especially with what I noticed with my aunt, and all of the bullshit they talked about, and the hatred fundamentally for the youth, instead of this embrace and empowering, but fundamentally this type of european slavery mindset I see at times, all of these notions are fundamentally to me a failure of conformity, a failure of engaging in the benefits of traditional things, especially if they lead to growth and transendence and the issue of the pride of post-modernity as well as the group affiliations and the topics about race, heritage, equality, plurality, relativism, what about me?, specialness and the anger, perfection frames about skill, global issues, the lack of craftsmanship in men, as well as the literary and feminine overfocus and the lack of strong men who’re not only part of the cosmic flow, but are rooted and a pillar you can count upon without the excessive lust and 8’ish type notions I see from my personal life or survial.

I really don’t know I tried this cycle from the book that generally works, but I feel to cyclical, I am not influenced by the tieds and the neighbour I had gives me horros, I went through mentally and 5 am seems to be a decent ground for everything, as going to sleep by 8 is something I don’t really see happening without working from home consistently and they value so much flexibility all of the stuff from my aunt even when I trace it back hinges on this notion of stability and inabillity to have a rooted provider irregardless of gender and relying on institutions.

I really don’t know with 1h of meditation I can get some stuff done and worst case enjoy the rest periods while in transit, but this portal hoping irregardless if it’s a car or not idk I really enjoy the early morning for meditation as my consciouness or perception stays sharp till very long.

I would like to start my day irregardless of what it is at 06:30 or 7 but the law somehow will prevent it and creates this normy conformity, that feeds the family survival I don’t really crave to participate in the way it’s done. I found a beautiful old playlist of mine, I am not posting any songs, as it reminds me at times how my taste made me an early adopter and some key things that are even just now becoming more prominent, due to the increase of using software tools, a.i and people having more opportunities than ever to life in a different country etc. especially what I see in the tech world, and even in my commercials subtely or linkedin, or some stereotypes eventually, but it reminded me how I never have gotten a love story that truly felt as if it was something my soul yearned for, we went out so early drinking and having fun, and everyone tolerated and accepted it this died down massively, many of my interest where more nerdy and edgy and there did not really exist anything like a sigma male besides and you had emo and goth kids the popular kids made fun of, they never made anything out of themselves and many of them were somehow fine, I think now they were more stuck in this european slave mentality of merit, and the issue of the western normalcy where you’re basically a prideful mechanical robot, have no real interests and slave away at work.

It reminded me on a lot of joyful notions I could enjoy enjoy via music and how that helped me to transcend the normal parts of myself, that playlist was an absolute eye-opener and how I used a lot of escapism to escape from these merit based notions within my own family, as they felt so achievment allergic, but hedonism was fine. I think my grandma was sort of an outlier, as she made sure things were grounded, even thought she had the most ungrounded childhood experience. All in all it made me escape the fame, corruption, bullshit and manipulation that started with the early forms of social media, and I explored the bullshit within this last year and found a prostitue via snapchat in a week without any groups or prior knowledge I was just adding random people to see where it would lead to.

It was a real person ironically an american girl living in germany, she was 27 or 28 I was so down and out in the subtle forms of this IW, player archetype I wanted to see what I can leverage as most forms I learned I would ascribe to the DW archetype that I learned in economics high school, a lot of practicality and some forms of bending so it’s not to stale, but it never did it to me, it framed me to much if I think about my own self-image, into this umber pull I felt from various immigrants or immigrant families, and even when I applied this type of gross love it was just sent away to the probability of maximizing things sigh… I could name more things but it would connect to someone having lived near the diddy house and some comment of I would do it again.

I think we have different notions of one existence and one life in multiple angles I get the sentiment, but right now I just care about how I came even to this memory. Mostly all of this reminds me of the transcience of experience, and how much heart ache I had the last years simply because of the exact transcience and the coincidental nature of it all.

I downloaded a game I did not play in 7 years and it connected the name to the ex as I played the last boss, it was the game I mentioned in the previous post, and the makers are even from a game I play now, which made me think about the issue of originality if things are just going in cycles, I was like a cycle dodger in the past, people also loved me for this.

Just checking all of these names of the songs at times, quantum, infinity, infinitum, fleeting, skyward, all of this was the early electronic adoption of stuff if I contemplate what I listen to now and what has become of it, it’s odd, I won’t be able to go back in time.

I spoke to my mother for 2h about all of this, and I don’t think she is capeable of understanding anything of it, she accepts the difference but had some smaller other thoughts, but it’s better to go for it just as it is the conformity of all of this what I experienced is a lot of stuff that is very annoying from multiple angles but I would speak to a ghost who is to dumb to listen and dumber than a rock and would most likely laugh at the notion, it’s a waste of my time, seeing these things so clearly and how little value I get out of the lustcentric conformity and just thinking how little our social dynamics evolved in the west I had way more fun living in the east, but still social pressure and all of this stuff is quiet real and I think america is growing also rapidly in the social field even if it’s at times still very different europeans are very stuck in their circular tower runs I don’t really know what to think of it, I am still thinking about it while doing this now, I avoid most subtle horros I faced in the recent years, most not all

625

I had a dream again about people from my past and it reminded me of smth. they did I never participated in eventually because of the music I listend to and eating at night to sleep, they used to trash houses nobody lived in anymore from the american u.s military personal that lived on german ground, and a lot of people got cought via stories etc. as at times security came by to check.

In the dream I was with a group who never does or did this or eventually did partially it was a larger area, and people also went there to play basketball, as they did not have any proper courts due to soccer culture, and people bullying you of the court if you wanted to play at a ground there, as they mixed the two, or convinced you to play soccer.

We sort of ditched and almost got caught by a group of people and I told a guy to grab my hand as my awareness in these types of situation is very odd, as I don’t truly panic but panic and they run away being mischivious. The dream then switched and I was following some personal mystery alone in these houses when the group of people who either partially did this or simply people from the middle school classes kept looking for me for some reason and cought up closely at one point, and I was sort of hiding feeling the pull of their desires to enact in a group. The dream then ended, I did not want to be with any of them, it reminded me also how little I was interested in having friends pratically, it was more a neccessity culturally incentivized.

I had some darker thoughts this morning, but mostly for the good how some of the denials of conformity leads to a counter-culture conformity, and the issue of the majority priviledge and power plays of humanity and the demonization. I wonder if this swaps over as heavily as it seems to does in younger people if this is entirely bridge, as it makes me remind of how animalistic I saw the group of people, especially the second ones, and I never really knew what they wanted besides the intensity of emotions and fun in social groups. It reminds me of a lot of stuff that can or could be transcended now, and I could simply enjoy my own unique journey as with the mystery I followed in my own dream, as they forced you to be distracted and the mystery basically disappears until it shows up randomly again.

This all enforces some very subtle things, even if you think you’re aware or make a 20h episode of conformity or any topics regarding this it reminds me of the following, as I was very good in school, especially in maths, biology, sports and history/social theory, I was never as good in languages as my mother was an ape practicing at home, and I had to little tooling to refine anything early on, till I had people from the u.s come here and speak english to me the whole time, as they spoke no german and I practically had to read body language or they spoke in a way I understood.

I think the people who acted noble in my behalf acted the most selfish for their own aspirations and lies, and it reminds me simply of how I choose classes of my interest only to find out how isolating the experience is with a needy asshole at home, that can’t even cook proper food and makes everything dependent on a kid, and the pride of my grandmother as well as some general issues regarding this, as it must be exhausting to teach a high energy kid and being unable to speak logically and teach or mentor properly or help transcend properly, as a lot of stuff is then put into social fabrics while the fascination is then left to be looked at a perspective of impermanence, by the person who finds only the nuance/symbolic nuance similar to forms of fractals, there also has been very little love in my family and a lot of gross realm love mostly the subtle was completely missing and many when I evoked these notions than that already has a touch of spirit became either very good temporary friends, or subtely mocked me as they craved the samething. This is what it reminded me of.

As a kid it often made me wonder when I felt impulses that trascendent the gross or concret and the subtle human relating similar to when you chit-chat with friends for a longtime, and more transient notions of it generally speaking, fundamentally it made me wonder why the people who gave you these notions of bliss or transcendent aspect had such rough lives, but eventually their emotional field had to deal or bounced back from the intensities of pain their witnessed or felt or other aspects of deeper layers of suffering. All of this made me very early aware of how projections work, and the little information I found on positive self-imaging as well as some issues I saw early on when people used this for their own benefit, but never reached the depths of this very deep yearning that would pull you more towards academia or where can I even engage with something higher that lets you field transient in the mental domain, I feel as if currently when I see younger people as if they are in time capsuls just being pushed to the next course of achievment, while engaging in the now more subtle love feelings in the human animalistic domain, and how little of that is possible with my family, as they act so authorative and make a lot of things dependent on the human symbolic nature of achievments, status or social power and prestige and esteem.

I cut off most of my own family, and I thought how even my dreams are similar as otherwise I can’t really enjoy my own mystery and what I search for on a soul level or what simply unveils, let alone the autonomey gained on the journey etc. There is more stuff I am subtely seeing, but this is the core of it the pride of the nerds, sheep herd mentality of the common and majority, as well as how deep down in my soul I already opted out the notion of being interested in being human, as well as how my own engagement with music/entertainment or art yearns to go beyond that more as a form of spirit than for example still experiencing it as what most would call human, but still especially after meeting Shinzen participating in the joys or abundance, peace and quietness of being human, how to go about that and how even today in the early morning I craved simply some fresh air not tainted by the noise of neighbours to get a whiff of that, as many come with more demands etc. similar in the dream and kill the mystery that wants to unfold as they have some sort of group agenda, that helps them to transcend in a group, and how little people I had in my life or rather that I made very early on distinctions of abondenment in others and how little I had of that myself, as a lot of people took care of me, I dreaded it not finding a way to be able to be more alone as they seemed more needy in that regard than myself, and what I can do to express what I feel inside without being attacked or mocked or do it in a way where a lot of these transcendent notions of self are already infused with what I write, but I disliked the vehement guilt trip of german literature and education about death, it made me contemplate time and the transcience of things, or the awareness of conformity in groups or groups themselves and how these skeptical unqiue unicorns present themselves while when I go down my own music playlists etc. they are not different from any loner who seeks to empower themselves in a group etc.

It reminded me also how little someone stood-up for me as they just cared about their own selfishness, and how selfish I have to be without appearing to be to get what I want, fundamentally to keep people guessing, and just go on with your own mystery, some other ends I just remember now for whatever reason. I still have to think this over, as it makes me realize some core issues I have been facing with autonomey, virtue and how this proves itself and that I crave a lot of alone time to train in a way that evokes notions the integral a.i craved to say about stage blue spiral dynamics, like solid, clean, pure etc. mostly it was about solid, and how I craved some of these aspects and I had it in the recent family I was involved in parts of it, and how that plays itself out ironically in what I watch at times, like an eternal reflection, even if you come back from a deep trip/state or realization that is permanent it will play itself out in the human story, and I wonder if I find a partner that can ever handle that as most seem like npcs out of the majority priviledge claiming to be unique while there is nothing ever truly original to me, as the ideations are still stuck to the human domain to some extend, you will find traces of thought everywhere, the denial of it makes it worse at times.

Idk this is what I mulled over. I stop here so far, it makes the admiration of people who went beyond in earlier times difficult as there is so much social comparrision going on, and I also had the very old school notions of this from music school etc. as well as the whole enneagram thing also etc. I think I knew about this subconsciously since I was 6 or so as someone mentioned it or they seem to make it realated to personhood, as nobody could make sense of what I was witnessing, and even my body language has been capped to relate instead of to meditate and contemplat sigh… degrees of freedom in human space. Sometimes I wonder, but in the end there is no point in making yourself bigger than you are, idk there is some stuff I am mulling over I really need quiet time for that I did not yet create for me.

626

Also a lot of stuff in this tarot things made me realize how bad advice turns to meddling with peoples lives and how I enjoyed some unscripted interactions with humans that don’t fall into this domination victim wound of abondenment and use power/sex and charm to gain more might in the human realm, but then act I have to hold back my power and some notions of this. Just taking my life 1% more seriously showed me how stupid all of this is, even when some stuff can resonate I don’t enjoy it as of the recent days as they meddle to much into other peoples affairs and the best advice or parts I took out of this or readings show exactly that, guideposts to a pathless path, not meddling to arrange some party or harmonic event.

These dreams most also go into the vehement dislikes for post-modernity, otherwise I would not go after a mystery and the inabillity of me to find someone who is more compatible, due to how pop-culture conformist a lot of this is, I hope I find some people with more unique interests. There are some loose ends, and a lot of it depends on this winner/looser frame and I don’t think most humans will do it, if they did not have very unique lives, I just see meddling of b.s and I am doing my best as of now to rid my mind of this stuff, as I don’t think these humans are any good at a place deep down. They act with their same moralism, currently I just see Justice going wrong.

627

I skimmed actualized and see some good stuff, and stuff I already implemented and iterated and faced some limits, and some stuff I wrote a longer post about I am not posting, and some core issues I see with the cali post-modern influence, that I see Shinzen at times has transcendent or only is transcendent when you’re immersed and transcendent the aspects of different cultural influences which can be hard as it’s nuanced, some stuff won’t most likely get away till the guy becomes 70 years old, but I see most of the value and why I watched it and the contemplations prior to this go into my own personal stuff, makes me feel good about the whole process of what I am going through.

Some stuff won’t change and I am aware of that, yet it’s the exact subtle issue I faced with these types of people, and their denial of their own identity politics, were integral at least in the past offered some issues, and other things, the core issue of this comes down to the post-modern nihilism and experiencing transcendent experienciences that put your above culture, imo and the whole paradigm of survival, but survival is a pain in the ass, the strategy to circumvent and prevent as well as transcend and include seem good to me currently, but I have to see what happens.

Most of the things I notice I can’t really put into words, so I am trusting the gut feelings and the contemplations I can run, as a lot of self-protective survival and some victim complexes run in these circles and self-help generally, I don’t know what will happen generally speaking it boils down to power etc. as well as some of the core issues I see with these types of people that are being muffled out slowly, which I think is good, as some even if your epistomology etc. is perfect, won’t get near what is healing for another person, and how that is presented in layers, as well as some subtle subconscious or unconscious issues or simply stubborness, there was a video I watched recently that exactly showed me this, but in the end I don’t really focus as much on this, at times the effort to get rid of any conformity notions just causes more of the conformity and devilery, and it has nothing to do with these impermnance notions etc. I focus upon, generally the entire work and catalouge as good as it is will always lack the human basis of support in networks, very good reason, but that does not benefit me on multiple levels.

I don’t know what else to think about, I went through the list of conformity as I sense some subtle issues, and how the a.i would rate me and myself, as at times I view things to negative it takes even out the realism, and it rates me very low, and humans project so much onto me at times, as they can’t properly define me, it’s quiet weird, maybe the chamelon dream was a bit more about the transcient nature of things, sigh idk taking the teachings and going away from a person like this is the best move, it reminds me a lot about my last landlord and my aunt, which is not good, but generally I am convinced stuff is muffeled out, but I am very convinced the guy is a revengeful, angry, bitter as well as envious and prideful human, some stuff is just pure sinister glee, and these people are the worst of the worst, as bad as it can get, but ultimately, I don’t know if someone like him will be able to transcend this, as he can’t give up these human notions… what a shitty alien.

628

I held a little meditation and did it this time with a group online guided, I don’t know how it is for others but I benefit a lot from the energy field of it, still at times I opt out, the training Shinzen did at times gave me to many pointers, to see where I am headed, and I keep stacking techniques not true stacking, but the requiste variety inherent in them itself and use them for a lot of these transcient notions I have, as my body on the subtle level works a bit differently, due to the scar I have and I can work with it if the energy is not hung-up on the hygiene racism, I experienced as a kid, and these types of health cultish notions.

It’s also good to get rid of the inherent pride I sense with the massive amounts of self-love I gave myself in recent years, but these are mostly notions I came up with during retreats online on my own sort of, and I then experience these fractal types of recorrunces, I see some other stuff I wrote here about archetypally that I am sort of getting rid of, but idk I have to get rid of these karmic impulses from my aunt and read upon some stuff, I don’t like prideful tyranny.

629

Very interesting, I found a Deida talk for free on his newsletter the last section this was in san fransisco 2016 super conscious men want a women that is superconscious everybody and fits his consciouness not superconscious women, that is the feminine part generally speaking.

As I kept thinking my practice was so well-rounded I did more yogic types of healing with the ex partially which gave me deep rest states, my body was relaxing similar to stuff I am not mentioning, this was a very good take to some core contemplations, as I noticed I gave more from my consciouness to her, and I was not even practicing and it caused more issues, due to the neutral academic notions, as well as of course some inabillity of mine to tap into this, a lot of it was more enviromental, but in the end I don’t think the average women can enjoy super conscious or even more conscious men, as she barely get’s opportunities to explore that superconscious everybody, but I get my current appeals, as well as how this circulates culturally now.

I get why I am also pulled away from certain teachers and teachings, and the yin/yang polarity of this, thought this is valueable to share, that was the best thing I heard about these dynamics and I consumed close to all of this books/teachings only the book of the superconscious everybody in that sense is missing dear lover, but I already listend to that once or twice, I get it a bit archetypally also but I have to see how much value this has, as not many know of this, and it has not appeared yet in any type of psychological work, as the entirefield is affected by post-modernism, and at best mindfulness at best, and that barely touches any frameworks and this stuff keeps evolving.

Most stuff are social metrics and adventure currenty. The point was also good that this type of facebook scrolling etc. won’t attract a super conscious man etc. generally it dovetails what I sense with parts of what deepak teaches. Anyhow… I stop here.

630

This is quiet good, I did a one taste type of vipashyna meditation and all of the complexity types of identifications I went through the more autonemous I became and the issue of inflated ego etc. or an ego that keeps ever expanding without seeing the vastness or having any perception of the vastness of ocean/eternity.

This was also very good considering, energy I am a bit suprised I find most nuances from yogic teachings.

Also the point about breath, I never focus a lot on my breath as I can’t breathe properly at times, and I have to accept it the way it is, it raises imo a lot of causal energy, when I was doing this on a treadmill or exercise bike meditating, there was 0 identification a lot of space and the suffering, pain of re-identification with the self, quiet interesting I can let go of that pain no more physically and emotionally without the excessive complexity of the mind spinning stories, but a lot of karma is often shed in my sourroundings often I just laugh as it points me to god at this point.

At times I really have no idea what I am doing like I had to laugh myself to death giving someone cervix orgasms, while I was pulled into the deep void, and have completely different experiences, it’s strange but I should leverage the everyday type practices, notions and ideas I get from india, without the breath especially I tinkered around with it so much to realize for me only some bursts of it do me any well. Anyhow I stop, this is by far enough, I disidentify so much from stuff I don’t even have preferences anymore I just thought it’s just survival in a sense, and conditioning but not really a True Preferences for example whatever that might be.

I can’t do it as intense as I’d like to, but the subtle certainly is significant, especially for love, I never got so many love notions from just normal meditations, I guess that is part of this yogic healing sex of infusing each other with energy, instead of the purity and serenity of the bliss from the torture of being with w1 people or what I sensed are w1 people and the issue of perfection & god.

631

Sort of getting back on everything I was interested in feels also good, and keeping the simplicity in and the complexity out.

632

Did a 1h meditation, bought a new audiobook about a guy from my city who followed the spiritual path and became well-known and his personal story. It’s funny how it coincides with mine and that he came from one of the poorest places in Germany or the ghetto this is really rough, most likely worse than some U.S stuff if the culture would not be as high, and crime is simply not a thing here.

Also directly things happen I intuit, that happend the whole time and Deida gave some answers to this, kinda weird idk what to think about it. It’s like my attraction pattern is changing as I engage with it consciously and I see the principles and the spiritual envy, or envy of perception.

633

I wonder if more of my intuition becomes true, I am letting go of the negative influence of stuff, and integrating the insights from my dreams mostly. A lot of it comes back down also to seeing some of the monks in China and now this hindu stuff mostly sorry for not finding a better term, but this is good 1h is really the sweet spot for meditation for me.

Anything more is anihilation of existence.

634

Wrote a longer post I just deleted.

635

I don’t know if it’s worth posting the nuances of this, but I’ve had a good idea to get around stuff, but I really haveto setup my place then differently, I am very bored and barely get anything rewarding out of my activities or work besides the rewards themselves.

I see some subtle levels of conformity YouTube content creators, artists and had some ideas for a longtime and see the development now, as I was fairly early on the enjoyment side of it, most of the conformity is around productivity, and waking up at 06:30 is just better, especially if I do something small and creative at night and find some food, also my enviroment seems to get itself high everytime I meditate I smell cannabis, it reminds me of the god-like feelings I had as a teenager when I took it with others, and I only had that one smart stoner friend, as he also had to cope with the pressure of yearning to be advanced and to little play in terms of exercising and social complexity, I guess that is very selfish, but now we get all of this korean hype and he went to korea very early, as he did not like this pop-culture, I go for the dentist/medicine man and health type of vibe the attractive women had in our classes, and somehow they were also interested in IT, I don’t know why, but they liked generating solutions.

It’s kinda odd that the only person who was able to study at a formal institute was also a stoner most others I don’t know what happend or also partially smoked cannabis and went into IT and were extremely health conscious, now it’s more like a spiritual epidemic to flee from the islamic influences from the same people, and to be more polytheistic in their own ways, this is what I sort of sense, yet it engages a lot of lust, and disregard and the issue of the purity christianity culture, that than needs 30h of nature or smth. to be f*ed in the woods on some magical sacral chakra energy.

Then at times if I get a high enough flow and consistency I attract a lot of asian people when I am more involved in strength, and similar notions you’d see in animes. There are some issuses generally speaking I went through my playlist and out of 3200 songs in 5-6 years and I have my YouTube account since 2008? or smth. I can’t even get to the bottom of my list. There should be up to 20000 songs in there. I can only bring myself to like music or very important topics that I put into a list later or I listend to enough I stop.

I found this recently with a.i.

There are some artists, who’re wary about a.i I am not posting this, as I don’t know if it’s fully a.i generated and the airing it to get money for example, but I thought about mixing some of it, it will happen inevitabely to some extend. I am also glad that you can play a “cosmic/epic” sound without the use of a.i, but I am not posting the videos. I am fascinated by what the a.i can do with older songs or some soungs I could not listen to in that way, and has a completely different impact, or even just the clarity is higher in a sense.

I reflected my learning techniques online with a.i briefly it’s very good, I am just being very lazy currently as everything that is more negative runs of a 90 days productivity cycles I just underwent and I don’t really have a solution about this, besides making all of this lighter and more playful to not grind for achievement, and to not be performative for e.g. and I don’t want to see videos of someone with harry potter legos at one point calling stuff fake and then playing the most conformist stuff, and here is my jounrey! I don’t really like this. I post the original track, but not the stuff as it seems already more integrated in the guitar world to play this flamenco style riff, anyhow, anyway.

636

I did a little bit of maths with brilliant and the more I do it I see the advantages of both ways, especially the intuitive leaps are better explained also with the help of a.i, as it’s often the simplest stuff I asked in the past that seemed hardest to me and the notion of this, generally speaking I sense an edge.

As part of my growing up process I was trained so early with very little support and my memory as well as that of my mother is dwindling, as it involved a lot of pain, and pain was never allowed only anger. I get why now a bit later but it took her forever, and she remembers suffering in detail. I can see now how these activities stack, and don’t get bored as I often still had energy to do other things, and in the past this is what I did to be a good/very good learner, some stuff I could never solve, if I had the tools back then, I wonder what I would’ve done, but the same issues sort of kicks in, it feels as if time accelerates and converges to single-based outcomes and people jump on this energy field strongly.

Often times opportunities or interests, or some stuff that mostly involved my own work or researching capabilities as I saw so much between the line, they’d change the level of insights they provided, this happend recently, overall I found it to be weird, numbers steadily called me from London or Austria, I was so high from my meditations I had 0 morals just pure curiosity and awareness.

I knew the people I attracted were not good for me, but I was curious and it often gave me insights into what was wrong, and what I could do.

I bought some food outside and witnessed this, I never thought so many people from the middle east live here, I went outside and I hear church bells I thought nice, most just act normal, but some people of the middle east act weird, in terms of over playing it with their talking or whatever. I really enjoy hearing it silently, I walked & walked up the small hill that leads up to the restaurant, I watched some video that talks about different levels of consciouness and the issue of who to trust when everything is bulltshit, and the person spoke about how electrons are even conscious, and I had some strange experiences with technology or a.i where I thought shit this is way to strange and feels as if this is driven by consciousness, this women walks with her friend or whatever, and they speak like they are stage green I would not say post-modern, but just the green that awakes through culture, and says, as I clearly sense she sees me and this gives for them the opportunity to talk about everything, I avoid such people, as they are like animals and their consciouness resembles animals dressed as humans, and she seriously says: “My scarf has a soul”, mein Schal hat eine Seele. I did not laugh, I did not even cringe, I just had 100000 other thoughts against this because the previous video, and simply the fact that everything is made out of consciouness, she meant most likely that as she was in this pre-rational symbolic pointer mode that gives people access to same states, I am open-minded, but now I just thought for sure if I tear apart the scarf, it’s soul will reincarnate, but that is not most likely what the person meant, but that was the strangest thing I ever heard. I don’t like the delulu of some of this stuff and it happens so quickly.

After I bought the food, I went into my appartement and from the building a lot of middle eastern people lived I heared like a religious type of prayer ritual or whatever, I thought what is happening, church bells once and we get religious and spiritual warfare with culture? I never heard any of this I live here now for close to a year, I came back after I am pretty sure my 1h meditation brings me closer to consciouness and let alone by energy, it’s far below what a meditation teacher can offer in these days, I think even hot yoga is more effective, even spiritual enlightenment if possible, by the notion of a rain drop can make that happen for one.

I definitely should not move her, but the space gave me already some notions I had about things when we visited a friend of my mother, and idk all of this was very random I see some interconnections, but I am not going out friday night here, it’s horrible religous creeps, dog owners and everyone is inside buying stuff and consuming. I don’t really know what to think, I did not meditate as of yet, but that was strange.

637

I setup my desk in a different way, as I noticed my habits/behaviour have become to much set in stone, and played some chess puzzels and generally thought about some stuff more long-term as there are not any good apps with a.i and they are all in the making or some afficinado knows them, and I dislike checking boxes for improvement etc. I am sort of engaging my old long-term plan with some caveats, and stuff I learned now from using a.i and testing it’s own type of advice it gives, as well as some abillities I thought would be interesting to train.

I for sure thought how bad it is to read biology books, currently when I am not fit, as it puts a lot of panic and pressure on the improvement process and attuning to much to stuff where the enviroment is simply not there, so I am preparing to be prepared? Kinda weird, but I am convinced it will work, this is fundamentally what I should have now, but with more ressources, in the end I have to see how this goes and how this works for me, as I have to train myself to become interested in health again, by training and simply feeling health. I took a cold shower today, and it does so much for me it’s incredible my dopamine levels are peaking I am very amped towards doing things I would not enjoy, and I build resilliance again, now this had to be done slowly because I noticed a very dark side towards this, and it might creep-up if wrong people appear.

I watched some Sadghuru stuff, about even if you do the right things with the wrong motivations good stuff will appear, and I thought how insightful that is, as I do my best to do both, and I had sabotagers who’re more like this, they do the right thing with the wrong type of motivation and this causes issues for transcendent experiences to some extend not always, but it’s not so cool at times.

I keep thinking about the gatekeeping of my aunt, and how she measures everything in effort, pain and suffering, and what have you done for me? While just taking from others without any real world principles, and what type of b.s that was mentally, let alone what an asshole it is and how much I coped with exercising because the person has this rightousness attitude at a post-modern level that is just horrible, they are in spain again with this billionair or whatever, I just call him billionair, and she is such a slut for here whore of a community to get experience, and this is exactly what is going wrong with funds, even when I asked and the relationship was better it was all about what do I do with you, your young, which is a lame excuse for whatever reason she concocuted, maybe they throw disgusting sex parties idk, it’s extremely hideous, I don’t wish her well, even if I know a part of me is good about this, but tbh. I will never see her again. The person is horrible, excuse my profanity but this is more about pain management, and the core issue of women raising a man, and the lack of support she gave in contrast to my mother, and the level of ignorance and how she feeds on god like a grub to justify her own goodness, while she has none and lives like a man, idk what has gotten into her, the person overplays everything with a positive attitude and can’t acknowledge the pain, wounding within others but everyone has to be careful of hers, it’s annoying it’s a wonder.

Then she occupies people by giving them experience and justifies that is what you wanted, so it’s your fault, but you still provided it, everything out of this helpness & dullness level of respones, not infused with any consciouness even if it goes wrong, it’s legit the great escape without any great escape, as the person has 0 access to consciouness, it’s ill, that is for me the definition of ill conformity guised as normalcy.

Don’t know what to think about it, I am just worried the person will pitch my mother against me on a subtle level with her ignorance, yet my mother is a bit different, and found someone new so I have some hope in them, but I can’t really respect the guy, these people brought so much death onto me, it’s annoying I hope she does not crop-up when she dies, it’s a huge coward, hiding in the courage of others playing prideful knight, while just providing, but having 0 warrior spirit, and has an extreme issue with masculine energy, and attacks the vulernable parts or charming parts vehemently, it’s very bad, and people take her side, as it’s morally correct under the post-modern paradigm, anyhow I stop, this person is the worst I have experienced in the recent years. I meant the aunt not my mother, that is something different.

638

I thought about writting a brief journal entry, as I found some good content, and I am thinking about mulling over some key things where I face this type of reality, and also some other stuff. I keep thinking about coincidences and the core essence of my practice and the audiobooks I consume, as well as the identity culture that we’re living in, and how important it is to protect ones energy, from the privy brutality of people and the glory & sensation seeking nature, as there is nothing sensual or divine about it. It breaks open the ego in a massive power trip, and I noticed my own fear around this and the issue of simply being or having been young, and very different from the people around me. I have some very bad intuitions about certain types of people, and I don’t really know how to frame it a lot of it comes down to distinguishing friend from foe, and the core issue of secrecy in the digital age, and seeking transcendent experiences in being seen and naked.

What I notice more and more is how little I enjoy this town or european culture and people, due to the identity politics that is going on, which makes reality partially besides when I sit behind a computer or I realize it simply is that way, more like a fake jungle, people are going for vibes & emotions and jump on every bandwagon and hype there is, and there is very little truth in this, besides often the success of the other person they jump on the bandwagon upon, and a lot of subterfuge in this manner.

I thought about how important resilliance is, in terms of spirit resilliance as there are people so ignorant and dead, they seem like demons and devils ressurected prying for light, excusing their behaviour away for power, and just playing ignorant and dumb as it works in the cooperate system, as long as I shut-up and don’t say anyhting and I play within the rules and laws even if I don’t know them nothing will happen to me, and that identity is protected by a lot of 5’ish fear dismantling and stability seeking authorities.

I keep seeing also some weird stuff I can’t wrap my mind around as it involves the hard work of corruption from my perspective, and the tribal nature of a lot of middle eastern people, and the lack of growth we get collectively due to this, and the homogenity post-modern battles of who has the purest tribe. I keep thinking when I am at home and alone, just how much spiritual insights I crave to circumvent this and what it takes to move away from this, as a larger part is obviously attracted to this tumultus nature, as a lot of energy bodies are involved, but at the sametime I clearly notice this is not good for me, the people around me who know what their lives are worth on a sub-conscious level than act very positively to me, as they seem to have power and get into this type of energy.

Somehow this opens up some wounds, and I can see that my intelligence about nature even if it’s just structural and architectual has overcome this type of perception, and that I seek places that have a very quiet and spiritual nature to them to some extend, or it at least reminds me of the quietness that I experienced at home living in a house.

I had some thoughts of this and the issue of the slavish type of mentality I inherited from the german side of my family, and the issue of being truly oneself, if it’s so much about european/africian/middle eastern type of influences and I am american, and feel my soul is aching for something I can’t even point my finger upon, and mostly I just find it in nature or when I am alone, some themes are very repetitive and the people that seem or act supportive usually are not, and it’s very coincidental what helps me or not, and I noticed by going out also, how much people yearn to prove themselves if they see masculine or yang type of energy, and can’t feel calm about it, and not this wild young and free type of dynamic that is not attenuated, yet seeks glory in the eyes of salvation, like an arena of bodies slaughtering each other for freedom.

I am drinking a beer, and had to think how nice it is to get above or beyond in some sense, and how energy itself is an issue, when it comes to things how little I enjoy being humans around animals, and not “sacred animals” and how much of a circle jerk this seems to me, especially the materalistic nature and how I can enjoy life more fully, without constantly noticing this pull of space has no love, the best I can get is nothing, and that reality is very hard to be in constantly, and how good it is currently to protect my energy by practice from these hungry ghosts, as it’s survival and not the good kind of survival.

The only way I thought to escape this, is to follow the general outline of the ideation/vision of getting closer to more cosmic/transcendent experience, the entire languaging of these people resembles a social media algorithms or Twitch commentary, and it takes the entire bi-lingual paradigm and pain I had in this field and just frames it as identity, it’s very weird for me to experience, as a lot of this stuff was slang I used as a kid, as well as slang that was used to relate not to impress or it at least to me had some more authentic and transcendent notions, and not this social media algorithm based doomsday & hungry ghost type of experience.

What shocks me about this is my own compassionate nature, and the conditioning around this as well as some conditioning I realized just now I want to let go of, especially around materalism and gaining pride from having more while appearing stable, but as soon as some fear kicks in the person is like a frozen types of baggage nobody wanted in the first place, and this is what I don’t really like about some of this corperate european survival, as so little of their lives depends on it, there is no life force in it.

America has different problems, and I don’t know if I can circumvent all of it, but this sensationalist cruch that technology is, is not something I see it as I get way more into the experience and enjoy it, but what I find weird is how much of it is devoid of serenity, bliss or anything I experience spiritually, and just put into this animalistic living full, which has nothing to do with a blissful experience from my pov, nothing of a causal white light state that transcends the norms and is independent of conditions, but more like glory selling itself as transcendent experience for male minded marketing, and I noticed how true this is, in terms of facing fear of death eventually, but for me I noticed some nuances the more I look at the stuff I look at, I come to face the reality of spiritual reality infused in survival, and how survival pushes me into spiritual reality.

I will write further about this, as this involved heavily my skill development, every breakthrough was rather spiritual in survival, often involving also the power domain, and it was not easy to keep my body quiet as I was as if I was in a natural state of ecstasy, what I notice more is I don’t know stuff I put into words a different time, right now I am reflecting on some deep things that are quiet painful, and I had some loopholes here due to god-like compassion, but that only comes through others if I focus on my practice, it’s not very enjoyable to be around people who’re academics and believe in voodo and stuff like this or evil spirits and hexes and stuff, at one point it just shows me the person is clearly attracted to negative energy, and Wilber wrote about it, and it makes relationships not easy, if a lot of pre-rational people how’re above the pre-rational engage in pre-rational tribal believes as it enforces their survival.

Nothing against entities that are evil or nightmares or serious negative influences and energies, but it has been increasingly difficult to find good information and reflections on archetypal stuff, as that mostly for me is the pre-rational stuff you can get into that has value, and expands a bit more than believing like an idiot omfg, that guy or girl hexed me or my family hexed me. Sabotaging others is an action, evil intentions is something else, I don’t know what to make out of it.

Today I had the thought, I don’t like human biology, please let me end the existence as a human after this life and never be reincarnated again, I’ve had enough, even when I enjoy it and love it I come to this thought, I am done with a lot of things, I have to convince myself that I enjoy the beauty and reality of it, as a lot of it is seeking external exctasy and not internal exctasy I leave it at that…

639

I find it weird to contemplate this, especially as I was in this space of success, but this nerd type bullying got to me and the insane levels of isolation as well as my own needs and higher standards I also just experienced recently, also it’s interesting to see someone who was influenced heavily by astrology from a young age not talking down on it, but speaking from a real world reality of their own success, and how especially what I experienced recently as this interest is rather new to me, how much of it comes down to people not wishing you success, as it elevates their dreams and some spiritual truths of success I am yearning to integrate more with the way I am going about it very interesting.

The most soul robbing thing for me is the new tribal nature of younger people and the new identities that are build out of pride, and facing the setbacks or reality of the more spiritual success that I seek, what I can say is I am very glad for my mother, as she is very supportive of it all, especially in being none-invasive in this anyhow I stop here again.

640

Found some stuff that was interesting to me, and also retreats that I can do for very little money if I choose to do so with a legit master and teacher I already have been there, at times the best options are a bit further away than you think, but still very close. I listend to the Shi Heng Yi guy and even when I liked it I finished the audiobook and it clearly shows me the issue of our times, and the loophole I was in, and how good western teachers are, I would still go there if the retreats would be cheaper but I can get more length for a third of the price with a better more realized teacher.

It’s weird I was convinced he is a 3 in the enneagram and I am pretty sure it is, saw some subtelties, it made me realize also how advanced some of the teachings of Leo Gura are, but the core issue of training v.s experimentation, and the insanity of conformity even when he broke through and goes back to, is something if just implied and humans are accepted to self-express it’s not even an issue, sometimes the simplest thing is simply the best, I can’t really do kriya yoga as I struggle with breath, but just sitting etc. is very good, anyhow I stop here.

641

I just checked, I been there once and it changed my life in a maturity perspective that was hard to swallow, I checked the teachers teacher, when can I get to say someone a cosmic truth, so far back? When it now just becomes a trend, at times it’s weird, the other thing I don’t like the TCM/CCM and shaolin stuff etc. as it’s expensive anyhow, and most likely nothing for me it misses the simplicity and quiet frankly this is good, and gives me also something to look forward to. I liked the space and it’s in complete silence also no talking.

642

I did my 1h meditation, it’s very nice to contemplate some stuff, and I found some new nuances in this session, generally 1h helps me to expand the technique more, I might post a bit more later, generally all of this give me more inspiration, I notice I have to let go of the vision, some stuff the shaolin dude spoke about, especially with vision and the renewal of that just showed me it’s continously evolving, create it and look at it sometimes not everyday, and recall it in your mind to get more clarity.

Also the conformity thing, I sensed more conformity in the post-modern expressions of the person via the audiobook, even if I liked a lot of parts, and most likely some complex issues I did not witness when I was at the zen retreat more healthy green, and allowance to transcend, but at times umber notions as neccesity is important, but generally speaking when I am alone at home I deconstruct all of this, and grow a lot.

Today I was able at the end for the first time to expand the space and contract the see/hear internal/external space with precision felt very interesting as if I could play with the form of infinite space within the perceptions of it, but it was a brief taste, the music seems to work for me better than this brain music stuff, it’s good but it frames myself to much into survival, the personal and emotional affinity might matter more, and yeah that is about it for now.

This gives me a good edge to dodge the “Geltungsdrang” of materalism, anyhow I stop some Deepak stuff was also good, and generall hindu pointers also the teacher of the teacher there on Wikipedia is named the Bodidharma of our time, which is a huge compliment with these status games in asia, I noticed this when I listend to the book of the shaolin guy, and the issues generally speaking of simply, “Geltungsdrang” I don’t want to translate this word, but yeah maybe striving would be the healthiest version, but I stop.