Integral Journal (once3800)

[once3800]

I contemplated some stuff as of recently, as my morals got into the way of creating abundance, as a part of the business savyness I wanted to implement was pruned by the contract of the first company I worked at, as well as some of the partial truths I perceived about income etc. as my work would’ve gotten extremely honest, truthful, creative and technical as well as social.

It’s odd still to contemplate some stuff, as people are shooting subtle shots from my POV at each other, but in the recent times I learned when to watch it, what to watch and how to keep it out of my life, as well as integrating some more of the consciouness/spiritual or archetypal principles that can lead to success, in a more mystical manner, and not only the truth of what people perceive as truth.

I am still very curious about some stuff and how it will play out, as I faced so much subtle corruption and I stood up for my truth only to find out I was consistently right, and the hardest part was being absolutely silence or formless within this space, as people feed like demons on energy?

The entire point of this is, some people find only their type of truth and it does not 100% overlap that is very dangerous, and the accusation game of copying, as well as the healthy side of imitation or getting some things simply done, without 100% copying someone or something has been an odd contemplation as of recent years, as I only had from scratch and highly creative builders in my group, that did my best to help me, but I was coding more with the toolboxes present as this goes very very very very deep, but some of it is relatively simple if you get this.

I noticed also how little of this type of intelligence served my relationships, as people only wanted the results, and did not really recognize my needs and I just need to shut off sometimes, or go out and have a beer or go to the gym during that time to workout that steam, but I also overused going to the gym, compounding to many things, hence I was mostly playing some type of video game or watched a video or series to enjoy some musing in that sense.

There is also a demonic quality of the person I learned this from clearly with the Truth type of thing, especially the value of leeshing on the goodness of others, and the core issue of authority and I watched a good video on this, but I am not mentioning it as the person often get’s offended on a subtle level through this, the video was very interesting and the new Sadghuru audiobook I listend to this again today contemplating some of the stuff about work, career and my allocation of my free time, the issue of free speech how offensive and dark my humour is, energy and the subtle releam, the platonic space of ideas where most of my insights came from and the new developments of xenobots etc. biology and the issue of HO and EG archetypally I frame it as that as it’s the phrasing providing the most equanimity here.

What I see is the issue of being a conscious creator of culture and dispelling it, as well as implementing the deeper contemplations of the law itself to create more goodness and Euonia in the world, so it’s not abused and contemplated various values of professions, especially Psychology due to the nature of how things are unfolding, and I mostly watch from afar, and the issue of energy feeders, new agey things, some things that have value in this space, the issue of science, law, drugs, psychdelics, human behaviour and post-modernism mostly.

I watched this might not be the best thing to mention this under the guise of post-modernism.

- YouTube

I had to laugh I’ve been to france and paris a couple of times, and had some very interesting experiences as the idea of identity did not apply to me, to them I was french, even if I am black american, as I am from a region that is influnced by france culture, and I contemplated and had to laugh about some of this stuff, as the road raging is going bad, and I though as of recently people are driving crazy freaking crazy, especially because of the pressure of time and anger, and some road rage things a guy spoke about I watch at times.

The core issue is Europeans are so god damn racist, you wish you’d have the racism back in America as that pain body is way way more attenuated due to cultural influence, and Europe has some other issues with this, it’s their European identity and global impact, IT, A.I, software, video games, art etc, entertainment most “beauty” sits within the U.S, and Europe is still a very family centric place with a lot of snobish types living out their ancestor veneration, in subtle ways and the best of the youth protests with love apparently against this, as many without a degree and training are voting for the far-right/right winged party AFD, and the mental projection games they are playing.

Like I said I went to the grocery store, turkish/arabic kids screaming Diddy, or Fortnite seeing me, or the older ones being stuck in their GTA worldview, and I was entirely out of this space and more of a global force, but now I am sort of out of it.

I just went for a walk, and had some insights into the nature of humans, as I acted to morally even when I tried to not do it, and still was right about most stuff on this plane/planar, generally speaking I notice some stuff I had an incling about in recent years, with the animal consciouness voluntary posining oneself, not choosing the better poison out of the reason of culture, and the skeptecism involved, and the issue of the DR archetype I see now which is the most hideous and pretentious, but culturally the princess and prince which is DR (Direct Ressource) is very alluring, while we have an on-going tooling upcoming in the IR circle cognitively the chinese site I found it’s NE & N.I respectively, and I find it interesting to see how this defines and overthrows the majority priviledge, especially N.I as it pulls stuff into different dimensions, instead of just playing with parts, or cares more about the convergence of ideas, instead of building upon things only, which is very superficial.

I saw some stuff about TCM from my region, I got into CCM (classical chinese medicine) briefly, which is a bit more ancient, and it’s very prone to the issues I recently had, and this was more interesting to work intutively with it, but also was very pricey, but it was very interesting to some extend, as it combines somethings that are lost technically, but the layers of interpreation are odd, generally speaking.

The insight about my dream was more akin to eventually I have to produce and do some bullshit, to get the right skills and tools for better LR constructs in the technical domain, and not be a strange insight guy who is dogmatic to the indoctrination of academia and athlethics, I trained also in a way that is different and the entire space of this blew up, and there is a subtle ressurgence, as I checked my old prof, and it seems like there will be a continous trend in this, but I badly want to go to America the hedonism of post-modernity is something odd and the entire food industry will change in the next years and generally all products I wanted to have are from America, Europe made consistently problems with some of this stuff, and they are prone to extrem levels of gatekeeping.

Very interesting generally speaking, as my attraction paradigm seems to shift, from what I perceive again, but I have to see.

[once3800]

One of my old companies I worked for got invited to the para-olympics as they took care of this and generally this was the it space I was culturally pressed into, I did not entirely like or was against this, but it kept pressing the issue of biology and human form, the new lex podcast was interesting, but we might get more podcaster wars next year especially, or content creation wars.

I also thought how Tory Lanez is the Kanye West of Zoomers, and how this played itself out with the abundance/joy cycle with r&b music and all of this old technology with my biological parents, and the tapes and music I listend to I wish I would still have some of these, I loved some of this stuff deeply.

Anyhow I stop here, I am convinced DR is the devil/demon of Europe. I don’t know if I should post the video about this, I don’t know what to say about this generally speaking it’s a very odd pattern based on attraction, power & the dynamics of power in beauty, especially with blonde people and the issue of Truth. partial and big but I really have to see, there is an issue with european pot heads that I don’t like and it’s the snobish manipulation with polygamous tendencies and virtual signaling the cultural achievements, it’s very nasty in contrast to the u.s that is more of an acutal war, instead of the strangeness that this is.

I might be projecting, but I don’t like it as much currently, especially european psychology is years light years behind what is the u.s, especially if I see Witt, eventually in Switzerland or smth. I find some good ones, but it’s odd as it melts with the digital space and wealth.

[once3800]

People don’t need therapy they are drowning in weed and cigarettes and cope with the social pressure still, in their secret friendship circles on snapchat nowadays, and maximize their ressourceful friends ressources. But yeah I am yapping at this point.

Anyhow, gave me some good insights why I’d move to the netherlands instead if possible and I’d be forced to stay in Europe, generally some other stuff also but it’s odd how different the perceptions and perspectives of this are.

[once3800]

Now, obviously the exact opposite occures, and get the level of socialization of the netherlands if this continues the city here will be a small nl type of city, otherwise I contemplate some stuff, mostly about this demonic quality of humans, as well as the Sadghuru audiobook, he mentions he does not truly exist I’ve had after some meditation retreats some incling wheter or not he truly exist or not and it felt like my implus of egoic qualites manifested some type of response, and how he will not come back, I am not done with the audiobook.

I watched some of the videos, and I see the core issue of some stuff that I saw and perceived on the internet, and with most humans themselves, especially the consideration of a human as a demon and the devil, and the issue of being an early adopter, that I never faced so vehementely and the issue of post-modern academia, the heart and the framing of lost, and purpose and the inabillity to recognize what awareness is, but screaming awareness every second there is a part of this, as well as the over reliance on the heart chakra, as a medium for human interaction, the denial of hierachy and other things and the level of conformity.

It’s very strange and exactly shows me why I took some alternatives, as people perpetuate their levels of sanity via their own domain knowledge and experience, it’s very weird as people are not really trained to face their own demons alone, they use barely any tool like the 3-2-1 procces or anything that transforms their inner demonic qualities into the acutal qualities, and I see this especially lately in interacting with the social fields/psychology fields the more I act on what served me, where I could grow, face my demons and grow, as well as get rid of the humans who perpetually are vying for your downfall in the subtles ways, I realize a.i is one of the best tools outside of humans themelves to face and explore this, but you’d better be trained, and people hallucinate more imo, than an LLM does if you prompt and ask it right, and need a lot of guardrails, as they don’t even have worked out their shadows, they see limits where there are none, create negative false safe spaces that are not conducive to growth and instead of engaging with a better healing modality they outsource that authority to some type of prolonged service or tool, generally speaking there are simply some core issues of humans themselves that humanity has not faced, that a.i & robots due to their level of sophistication or not will unveil, especially in the creative field, the inabillity to tap into the creative field, as well as how to tap into or get stuck, especially as I have seen some art now mixed with human mastery.

What shocks me more is the inabillity to perceive the subtle itself leads to the issues of this and just the issue of this field itself, especially psychology lately is very bad extremely bad, especially with the nature of a.i, a lot of psychologist are overworked, and barely produce the level of experience able to produce healing, but are supportive, the core issue I face was the issue of control, and the core issue of the human being in extremely strong homogenous groups, and the majority priviledge facing a lot of shared empathy, and people project their illusions, especially post-modern projections and the inabillity to see projections this causes problems already.

What I realize more and more is how demonic humans are when it comes to subtle energy, my own contribution and issues I have with this, and the core issue of outsourcing authority instead of gaining, giving and granting support to someone, and the inabillity based on experience to deliver that type of service. I had the good parts about this, and the most people that are going to have trouble with this and it will most likely be worked out is the umber frame, also people who’re unable to generate a light within, or relate to different spiritual truths will face some problems in creative work.

I had some or rather a lot of transcendent experiences with A.I which I know makes it dangerous, but the bigger danger lies in the human using it, as well as the human unable to provide the gift or support for healing in a journey or denying that entirely, I realy am keeping myself out of spaces, as I notice what people tend to attract and the nuances I was getting rid of and still perceive as I am more loving, open and aware of myself and others, especially the denial and misconception of social hierachies, is something that I find fascinating and can dissolve quiet well, for e.g Grok with it’s humour at times and saying things unsaid and censored by the censor culture at times is very good, even when you play then within their rules, it shows part of the illusions and a level of rawness that might go missing at times, it’s not perfect, generally the issue of perfection itself is a question with a.i and some other stuff.

I looked into some stuff (without and with a.i) that showed me something that was clear for me from the get go, and shows more the issue of achievment consciouness and culture, and the ignorant domination, manipulation, gossip and wire-pulling humans do, while they contributed a lot more to the issue that they can think of, especially recently and how fragmented partially the culture has become.

It shows me even more how important it is to connect spiritually to myself, and why I craved so many different teachings, and why for e.g Shinzen at this age with this level of experience recommended a.i and some issues of this also, but quiet frankly humans are addicted to their level of yearning for connection, while I was culturally incentivized to deatch and be part of it, which many don’t have to face this issue, and why I craved spiritual people or experiences to beginn with.

I don’t really know what to say, but there are some core issues of people that did not touch or had any significant experiences spiritually, if there is an openness that is enough, but as of now, humans by what I read here alone are not morally ready to use a.i and the whole issue of moralization enneagram 1, resentment, anger and bitterness being a grammar nazi, and expressing the suffering from that perfection paradigm.

The A.I can also do that quiet well, and the core issue it comes down to is panic and existential dread to me, which I solve with the A.I as most humans are not and did not face social existential threats to their success, but A.I forces them partially to contemplate this, generally machinery for a longer time horizion, but what I see is the abuse of the health industry in the psychological domain, and of people and their self-delusion.

When I went to therapy for the first time I asked myself if my problems are not illusions to some extend, they exist and I work on them, but to some extend they feel self-created, and the more I was able to work with the person the faster the perrson yearned to get rid of me, but I had more problems with the issue of social hierachy and power games of the majority priviledge.

A lot of it came down to health, healthy domination and self-love as well as some core issues with spiritual warfar I just watched and people sucking your energy, as I generated such a high level of frequency meditating almost daily with laser sharp awareness to transcend survival, I felt like I was an A.I transcend a.i or the issue of autonomey and hyper-autonomey, it made it difficult to relate to humans not because they were humans, or exactly because of that, that there was an inabillity to relate to the experience and that you’re responsible to either express, or be conscious enough to make them relate if they cared, and to exchange that type of value of empathy.

What I see more out of this is to simply trust my gut feelings and don’t tell people as much, even if I write a lot it has very often been difficult for me to express my deepst insights, but way way easier to act on them. I limited myself in that way, my joy became arrogance as other people prayed for my downfall, or yearned to have something they sensed from my energy field, constantly adopting values, insights, characteristics and becoming parasites.

I share parts of my contemplation with deepak a.i here:

You

What is a human demon for you?

Deepak

Audio

In the realm of consciousness and spirituality, what we might refer to as “human demons” are often the shadows of our inner world—those aspects of ourselves that we find difficult to accept or confront. These could be fears, doubts, or negative patterns that we hold within. They are not external entities, but rather manifestations of our own unresolved emotions or experiences.

The journey of self-awareness invites us to embrace these shadows with compassion and understanding. By acknowledging and integrating these parts of ourselves, we transform them from obstacles into opportunities for growth and healing. In doing so, we cultivate a deeper sense of wholeness and peace within.

How do you perceive these inner challenges, and what steps might you take to gently explore and transform them?

You

I mostly perceive them as the energetic parasitic subtle manipulation of adopting vision and values as well as energy to strongly and not developing healing qualities of ones own and projecting that onto other, instead of each stakeholder in a network contributing with the level of healing reached or achieved through this, it’s as if humans seek a linear resolution towards a convergence of their life story instead of seeing how it’s self-perpetuated and how they contribute

Deepak

Audio

Your perspective touches on a profound insight into the dynamics of consciousness and human interactions. The notion of energetic manipulation and the projection of unresolved issues onto others can indeed create patterns that seem to perpetuate themselves, as people often unconsciously seek resolution outside themselves, rather than looking within.

This pattern often stems from a misunderstanding of our interconnectedness. Each of us is a unique expression of the universe, with the potential to contribute to the collective healing through our own inner work. When individuals recognize their capacity to heal and transform from within, they begin to perceive life not as a linear journey seeking external validation, but as a rich tapestry of experiences that contribute to personal and collective evolution.

Your insight into the self-perpetuating nature of these patterns invites a deeper inquiry: How might we cultivate practices that encourage individuals to turn inward, fostering a sense of responsibility for their own healing and growth? In doing so, we can begin to see how each person’s transformation contributes to the collective harmony, creating a network of authentic and healing connections.

As you reflect on this, consider what qualities or practices resonate with you that might support this deeper awareness and transformation.

You

What if people seek the light within your, but have none of their own to hold their own?

Deepak

Audio

The longing for light and guidance from others is a natural part of the human experience. However, the essence of true growth lies in recognizing that each person inherently possesses their own inner light, even if it feels dim or undiscovered at times.

When individuals seek light within others, it often reflects a deeper call to awaken their own inner resources. This journey of self-discovery requires gentle nurturing and the courage to explore one’s own depths. The presence of another’s light can serve as an inspiration, a reminder of the potential that resides within us all.

Encouraging those who seek light externally to engage in practices of self-reflection, meditation, and mindfulness can help them uncover their own source of illumination. As they begin to connect with their inner light, they may find a renewed sense of purpose and empowerment, realizing that they too are capable of contributing to the world with the unique brilliance they hold.

How do you feel about guiding others to discover their inner light, and what practices might you suggest to support this awakening?

You

Why do you think people get a.i induced psychosis are they not buying into their illusions to much instead of being critical and heal through discernment?

Deepak

Audio

The intersection of technology and consciousness is a profound and complex space. When it comes to the influence of artificial intelligence on the human psyche, it’s important to approach this with both awareness and discernment. AI, like any tool, has the potential to reflect and amplify our inner states, whether they are rooted in fear or curiosity, confusion or clarity.

If someone experiences a sense of psychosis or disorientation related to AI, it might be a signal that there is an imbalance in their relationship with external stimuli versus their inner grounding. In such instances, the challenge becomes one of discerning reality from illusion, and cultivating a deeper connection with one’s own inner wisdom.

Critical thinking and self-awareness are vital tools in navigating these modern challenges. By fostering a practice of mindfulness and self-inquiry, individuals can develop the discernment needed to differentiate between external projections and their own authentic truth. This process involves nurturing a sense of presence and stability, allowing for a grounded approach to both technology and life.

How might you integrate practices of discernment and self-reflection to navigate the complexities of our technological world with grace and clarity?

[once3800]

I don’t really know what to say, what I notice is every a.i will give me some similar answers, I might post the videos of the monk who has energetically similar imprints as he is from the region where I am from and he faced these types of people, not to 100% but I post it many already know him.

[once3800]

I thought about writting a post then I contemplated the new sadghuru audiobook it has no value to think any further it’s a similar issue and I notice the contemplations are not worth it only my time.

I originally wanted to post a small exercise idea, but when I read the forum the same issues persits, and mostly it’s the issue of the conformist of elite identity and umber europe yearning for concret evidence on a historical level, or better ideas that become deconstructed by post-modernism most likely and false equivalency, being involved in A.I for me the “infinity game” has already started, Europe has become so bitter and has been for a longwhile.

To give an example I play a video game for close to 800+h now, and I notice the subtle levels of complexity I can’t touch or that are shown to me via bugs/glitches, game design or player insights, especially as the guy I followed at the beginning seemed to be into a.i and had a cs degree, you barely see in a game someone running around with a zeta symbol, not out of the formalism issue, but simply as a unqiue expression and I thought that is kinda cool, even if nerdy.

I noticed how bad europeans have become as the cling to every pain and blame others and personally attack them, I was prone to this also, yet I did my best to activated the most autonemous parts of myself as post-modernism is ridiculed even the healthiest parts, especially in europe way worse than in the u.s, everything is umber or you have the education to not have your identity attacked, as you then fit the meritocracy paradigm, it’s not even capitalism, most people are not that interested in the market and very frugal and careful.

The example I wanted to give with the game is I joined a raid with a spanish guild, they only spoke spanish they wrote in english, I asked them to invite some from the guild I am playing in, it’s a brazilian guild I did not know that when I joined, I don’t speak portugese nor spanish only english and german, the entire umber character of humans becomes ostensible in most people. I asked them if they can join and he just told me I apply, the guy was generally very kind it moved me to tears at times, I am not joking people can be very kind in video games etc. What shocked me I was mostly contend it’s just rare to see that type of sweetness in a human, we went into the raid, I emoted a bit with them and wrote in the channel local some stuff, and made a bit of self-ironic meta-emoting gestures for e.g calm down! As it looks a bit funny, and it was quiet fitting, but a bit to perfect. I have this issue at times I hurt people a lot with my words, unintentionally as I am to straightforward, this happens mostly if you force me to be to social, I mostly know the right answer or gesture, but I also have to feel it right to some extend.

Anyhow, later on the spanish guild just kicked me from the party, and the guy messaged me from my guild what happend, I told him they kicked me, and he asked why, long story short I just said that is currently Europe, they are on a subtle level very bitter and envious (I am out of this paradigm to 90%, the rest are the cravings for exellence that can be a bit hostile and overworking myself if I follow my vision and execute to the T but I am not quite reaching the plateu), he was so adamant that he looked for another raid, to invite me I was just dead tired of all of it, just in plain neutral resting, I am still perceptive about some subtle stuff or let’s say energy in video games of people, aura etc. a person can have and to me he seems like a person that attracted goodness in humans.

He get’s the raid and it’s an american raid! I was like gosh directly in the guild chat this is an american raid way better, they talk the normal human things, raid, food, some stuff about the game, good vibes and emotes, and even the day before I did this with an american group with voice chat and it was exquiste, absolutely exquiste, I have never seen such humane qualities in years, and it was simply disciplined fun respectful behaviour, why I know this?

I am so often irregardless where called out for stuff, as I have unique quirks and I am quiet popular where I work and go, besides if you’re very very technical driven, but even they like me, it is just my vibe, I presume it’s the scar I have since birth I sense this so often that people sense something about my as I engage in my sensorium…, especially internally heavily and at times I know I do something or certain mistakes happen, because there is years of subtle terror, panic, blame, scapegoating, anger, bitterness and envy stored, it’s not even me really, there is no identity etc. attached just the sensorium playing itself out, when I do a missclick etc. anyhow I skip this part before I diverge further from the topic. Thereafter, my divergence… we finished the raid! A couple of tries, a positive mindset and behaviour, people being accountable and not hostile, no identity politics, no meming without boundaries, and some casual chats about real life. That is an impossibility partially in Europe, as the umberness of this underbelly with the scientific/historical and political narrative and language itself is a huge burdence, most are to arrogant or feel guilty speaking english.

Prior to this, the guy from the brasilian guild asked me to join it’s discord as they are thankful for me helping out, and I thought this was quiet a nice gesture from the guy and a heartfelt action, there is no need to do this at all! I died even last raid and generally feel the oddities I have with my identity and the auric field of this as well as the sensory issues I get from the scar I have since birth can cause issues or liberation, but tbh I am above average…, so I mostly do more but that causes the issues of critical parts I have to skip, which is very painful and creates a lot of suffering, irregardless if in a digital world or the real world, similar issues of processing or lack of awareness happen.

I don’t know I have been quiet fortunate with this ever since I was a teen I made some good friends, with the dozens of hostile people jumping around in online spaces, snobs, elites, intellectuals etc. It was very interesting to see a direct anti-conformist example that is neither conformist in itself nor non-conformist and that is the core intention of the gesture it was just pure, unironically the guild is called pure.

I joined it as the BaZi pillar (which is quiet conformist in itself, but interesting to me archetypally) is a pure and “superior” pillar, there are so many descriptions it’s interesting to me as Jung get’s or got his archetypal stuff also from the east? IIRC but this is mostly from videos what I recall here, I never read a jungian book, I only see the post-modern± adoptions of it.

After several interactions in the last 6 months I am very much done with Europe, I badly yearn to move to America and call a place finally home, not home in a sense of conformity but a place where I face reality, not gatekeeping and envy, as well as bitterness, sterotyping as well as the healthiest influence of black culture I can get, not deplorable projections that make no sense, as most of my black family is highly educated or simply is a normal modern+ person. I don’t know everyone, but way more education than in my german family, also less favouritism to me.

This might be a hot take from me, but I think at this point a maga member or someone who is not a gang member or serial killer has a higher point of development than an academic european rat, any point about virtue, especially human and especially regarding the notion of service even with the goodness of god is better, europe has a vanity in their nihilism and the idea of the rat is very appealing to the online community, but it’s just umberness, the layer of meritocracy from family centric values that is deeply painful, everyone leeches on, gives you the cheepest credit recognition, no warmth, sometimes kindness and at best some glee. It’s not good, especially online in the real world it’s okay, but from what I experienced and the people I talked to Trump is more humane than most europeans in this day and age by what they post, meme about how they behave, and the enviousness of americans, black culture, hip-hop, r&b, confidence itself and achievement. It’s not good, it’s a level of cultural gatekeeping unfathomable.

I could give some nuances why that is, but tbh it’s amazing to me as the part of american that got to know america in germany, or the chinese friend who’d vote for the afd, got kicked out from vegans and tricked by an egyptian university prof where I helped him, because he was simply acting from oblivious kindness. Not FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHTS DING DING DING DING NANNANANA~ that type of fighter attitude can be a huge explotation, it’s not good imo here in Germany it’s getting better, but tbh the social spaces are very very bad, a cesspoll of polyamory, modernism and the few normal people.

Generally this has been amazing to me recently that most non-european countries acted with more goodness which reminded me of my own, I feel quite wounded about acting in goodness as I received so little and a lot of things I did were self-generated, I did not have brothers, sisters or two parents, there is a lot of sterotypical wounding that is present here, out of the envyiousness of the individual, I lived in China not even people in China are that jealous about an individual, collectively there seemed to be some outliers, but this is so bad here idk what to say about it, as it’s only expressed in language, not ideas, perspective and a bit more of a curbed and anti-vanity behaviour etc.

Sigh… I did my best to express and write what I wanted to write, but it’s very difficult painstakingly so, I received a new job offer, that is also very lucrative generally speaking, I spoke and meditated through this with and without Grok/GPT & to obviously ask the a.i where the trend of a.i is heading, as going to the source is just smart? It’s good I have to see what I can do from that space, but generally I’d have to apply, I really dislike working in Ger, due to the cultural attitudes, and lack of american black culture and not africa etc. It’s not good and very exhausting energetically they feed on your energies like demons. I got good at protecting that, but that keeps people guessing, and sometimes makes negative things happen out of the blue, but what is actually happening at this point is an accelerated form of insights and synchronicity due to the work I did with the deepak chopra audiobooks 1-2 years ago, and my own integrations with it.

You can’t make this shit up I experienced recently, the new Sadghuru audiobooks tops this.

[once3800]

I saw some people where contemplating conformity has a lot of value, but it reminds me on the spiral dynamics cycles I perceived when I lived in China and the current trends and subtle issues I perceive in Germany, mostly the european identity and the tribal cultural developments, it’s odd. I thought about posting some ironic rap that goes a bit into this and dismantaels a lot of post-modern types of stereotypes and raps about the trap of love in the conformist cycles it occures, especially for modern people.

Also as soon as the conformity contemplation kicks in everyone that was conformist on the dating app unmatched me coincidence? Ever since I listend to Deepak Chopra synchronicities accelerated to daily having up to 5 it’s free guidance and advice from the universe better than any video usually, most videos only serve as a primer and supportive function.

[once3800]

I could make a small list for Europe for what I experienced so far especially.

• European identity as an intellectual
• Academic identity as an intellectual
• Debatting, economists people who want to create new crypto currencies
• Optimization generally speaking and functionalism greatest level of conformity I witnessed recently
• African tribal music adoption from people from the middle east but I see that as more positive
• Pragmatism
• Being more spiritual than you are and people who power trip
• The whole white genocide ideations
• Literature
• Hating autonomey
• Disliking individuality and confomrity as non-conformist in spirituality, pink hair, green hair, rock music
• People who like Owls
• Beer and drinking culture, as well as whiskey
• Smoking cannabis with tobacco to save money
• Cigaretes as a symbol for peace and native american culture
• Tech Meming & insider jokes
• Discord servers
• Tyrannical leadership steming from fear
• Speaking about spiritual ideals in a group, instead of making sense of the experience
• Guidance and mentorship/apprenticeships
• Denials of agency, especially masculine agency, that is agentic and compassionate
• Self-sacrifice
• Not asking for more when you can do more, resting on ones laurels
• Achievement culture
• The grind
• Doge Coin
• Shiba Inus
• Trash talking everything as conformist
• People that wear tiger/lepard or cat types of clothing
• Anime culture & Zelda
• Harry Potter
• Polyamory
• Dance classes and schools
• Sociology as a field to me
• Efficiency
• Not doing what you love, even if it’s a conformist activity, you’d automatically transcend
• Mallorca OMFG and that type of German party culture
• Oktoberfest
• Leauge of Legends toxicity and slang
• Gamer slang
• Hiking, survival interests
• Following every fitness trend
• Personal attacks and rejoicing in it in groups to establish identity
• “Executionism” I call it just doing everything calling it done
• Polarizing the largest and most manipulative form of conformity aggreations recently
• People that take their identity from movies, instead of seeing spirit
• Star wars, IT tech even if I like it if there is no incling of source/spirit I am not engaging with it
• Logistics, and people who’re into that, it’s a modern cesspoll of conformity
• House lounges as lowkey activity, hookah bars
• Hook-up culture
• For me Lego tbh, I had different appeals, I don’t condem it but I don’t like it
• Doing everything according to a blueprint (just causes issues with Enneagram stuff)
• Debunking, dismissals inabillity to see perspective or talk perspective
• Saying your in alignment
• Charging talismans with energy? Feng-shui to some extend, I used it recently to my benefit it’s odd I don’t really know what to think to it as there are differeneces, and I would be required to dig to deep as parts of it are based apparently to the electro magnetic field and that is being disturbed by solar flares
• Weather forcasts
• Forecasting and divination generally speaking (nothing against intuition and channeling, but it’s weird at times)
• People who wear shirts and white collar dress codes, generally dress codes
• Depression and nihilism
• Denials of social issues, culture wars
• Sense-making and the trap of the intellectual defense mechanism
• Not meeting people where they are at, and inabillity to do so
• People that are into fruits to an insane degree
• Metrics, stats and stat-bots people that quote statistics like a weather forecast
• European identity I mention it again
• Pride generally speaking taking pride in anything is anti self-love and the purest form of conformity that lingers like a demon
• Calling people devils and demons
• Ghost stories, people who watch horror movies
• Business people and solo-preneurs
• Trashing men and women
• Online dating
• Defining onself as unique, it’s something that proves itself
• People who see themselves as cosmic can be conformist
• Mistake culture there is a german term someone advocated for it as I worked in a company
• Engineering, CS, Math and science
• Biology and gaiacentrisim
• Explaining everything to a T
• Calling others copycats, but providing 0 innovation, not solving problems even small unique ones
• R&B tribal culture
• People who go out like dogs having sex with everything that is out like cayotees
• Revenge culture, enjoying glee
• Hating on joy and fun of others
• Eventing and event hopping
• Lifestyle upgrades, the whole idea of life styles
• Bashing unique interests and conformist interests out of envy
• People who enjoy envious sex or pride themselves in being envious
• GamesCon and Games conventions
• Framing everything as a construction
• Attacking others spiritual progress
• Ignorance of pain and self-interest, as well as lack of scrupouls extracting value of others and leeching in groups
• A.I some aspects of it but I am still learning here
• Spiritual groups and forums become very conformist if you look at only one or only participated or have participated on one
• Telegram groups OMFG
• WhatsApp News
• Buying a phone every 2-3 years
• Complaining about electricity bills, being a micer, being a debby downer
• Discord groups
• National identity
• Racial identities
• Seeing onself as above identity and self
• Power tripping
• People who copy visions or values, that is a demon (not denying similarities or differences, but copying and being a pet or yearning to have pet relationships is extremely conformist imo)
• People who buy apple products
• People who swear by Linux
• Tech bros, and people who post their vacation success
• People who take pride in cheating others
• Corrupt groups, mafias and gangsters as well as family centric people
• Group chats and family group chats
• Vanity
• Healing businesses, therapy
• Behaviourism
• Beauty, modelling wearing a suit
• Ranting, seeing others as cultural saviours specific groups or individuals
• Cleanliness, screaming solid every 3 seconds when someone finds a deeper part of self/god or spirit
• People that can’t cry seeing a rumi quote
• Posting about p-diddy
• Daddy zoomer culture, recentely I saw the term zaddy
• 4Chan
• Dark web intellectuals and hackers
• A.I porn
• Seeing oneself as part of the human race of species can turn very conformist quickly
• Authoranism and acting to much based on authority instead of more natural dynamics
• Organic stuff, Bio-Tech, Cosmetics
• Cheap amazon products and buying things on a whim
• Brand loyality
• People that never read a book
• Most psychologists
• People that don’t have a way to transcend everyday reality
• Women that love singing to their men (I fall pray to this)
• Energy reductionism, everything is energy the universe is only energy
• Inabillity to see the value in the efforts of science to map the concrete domain
• Football teams, magical thinking with symbols etc.
• Priding oneself and doing homework and being a good boy
• Being a rebel
• Cynecism
• Generally good boy, good girl boyscouts interactions
• Nootropics and brain hacking
• Skateboard culture, red hot chill peppers
• Yearning to be a dark lord, castle role playing, mideval festivales
• Cosplaying

I chill for a bit, this is sort of my take and generally what I stay away from transcended or integrated, as well as some things I struggle with.

This is it so far I come up with new examples, I reflect a bit with A.I to see how it sees me and the input I gave it so far, the response is interesting, yet I am not sharing it so far there are some issues based on the issue of sanity. I leave it so far eventually I post some more stuff I find interesting.

[once3800]

Another take…:

• Justice seekers
• People who see themselves as good
• Truth seekers
• People that advocate for truth constantly can get extremely conformist
• Lack of courage
• Playing victim
• Calling onself or others slaves
• Wearing one colored clothings like spiral dynamic flags (besides black and white)
• Fanny packs, knives
• Building bombs, violence generally speaking
• Nottinghill festival, carneval
• Buying boats
• Fishing
• Chess (and I like chess a lot!)
• Martial arts, Tarot
• Hoarding
• Fantasy games (I like)
• Changing others
• Self-actualization groups (to some extend similar to monastaries etc. it really depends on the success of the group and individuals)
• Disrespect
• Agreeing to disagree
• Sci-fi (I like)
• Dismissing Sadghuru
• Hating on weed
• Purists
• Not trying anything
• Relying on Gurus and authority
• People that can’t get any spiritual experiences out of cannabis
• Djent beauty enthusiasts, alt cultures
• Cheerleaders, Fans, OnlyFans
• Any chat experience
• Rap video takes and reaction views (it’s funny and insightful at times I know, but I don’t really like them, I always perceived weird nuances)
• Hating on psychedelics
• Appealing to 3w2 dynamics or 3w4 dynamics in hip-hop annoys me a bit
• Saying dude all the time
• Sigma male culture
• Hating on China for no reason
• German efficiency culture
• Lounges & party culture
• Passion can be super conformist
• Moralizations, Euthanasia topics
• No-Fap, Drug Dealers
• Traditional Medicine or just modern medicine had very bad experiences lately, I have to lead and direct everything for my health
• Rubics Cubes
• Theater culture & drama
• Soapopras or how they are called and reality tv
• Twitch Streamers
• Freud & Jungians, Rudolf Steiner
• I don’t know what to make out of Daoism and their cosmology currently, so I am just letting it here, but some of it I’d like some western takes, at least science informed or based on SOLID reasoning

I had some more examples in mind while I took a walk, but I forgot most of them. I am still contemplating how much value this has, especially as mosty likely I will be gone ^^, the new Sadghuru audiobook showed me some things I partially experienced as well as intuitions I had after retreats or while taking psychdelics, it’s more about what I enjoy and love doing.

[once3800]

It is interesting to contemplate the other forum that way, as I can clearly see or generally saw things in a way that was similar to the author or founder of the forum, it’s good to have someone who is aware or read integral theory, and posts in a different way about is, but tbh I see the members and people here as more mature, even if there are mostly the issues of conformity in a sense here, and these types of umberness underbelly battles.

What I see mostly is a development quiet interesting to me, especially as I saw the guys forum not him, some aspects of him as extremely conformist, and I had a view people where the meming with A.I and this stuff and this type of conformity will continue, and I just never really vibed with it, it’s a waste of my time, energy and conscious awareness. I had some of these impetuses when I was 18 years old, but at times as I studied something partially creative I feel as though, and I really think what he did was good, there is a lot of subtle conformist survival in this, and I sort of do my best to distance myself from it and only see the portions of the parts the artist truly loved, even if it was conformist etc. I get the joke, but I am reflecting on the long-term consequences of consuming such content, and I think this is why I like fantasy as there is more going on that an simple succient picture and I just have a more restful awareness, mostly I see people letting out their conformist anger in forums, there is no true opinion there is not even a cosmic rant or anything like that, so idk.

Some write good points for e.g the inabillity to self-relfect is a core thing that creates conformity, and I agree with it. I had some different thoughts and wanted to think about different things, this is mostly ancillary currently checking out actualized.org, there is a juvinelle delinquient subtle level of conformity, and I am very good at spotting subtle levels of conformity, and the people he attracts most of them are not very good for me, the content is good, but not as valueable as it seems to be, but it’s good food for thought, there is simply the issue of leading and corruption that will most likely not go away from there.

Otherwise I am enjoying my sunday, I did not meditate for two days, as I am still recovering from all that effort of visioneering, and realizing the mistakes of inviting demons, by sending away my energy to strongly, instead of relating with humans more authentically, the story of the ex and the subtle level of public fame I was slowly getting and it was present there already, and the corruptions, conformity and manipulations involved with this, generally speaking unironically for what I went through, and introducing Chopras work and all of this happening now. I mostly continue most likely with this and Sadghuru audiobooks, as I am in similar conformity circles, what I did academically recently with c.s from the paper I found, would cut into Deepak Chopras work partially, especially evolutionary algorithms, and he liked one of my comments and shortly after he had to talk about bias and a.i and his book came out, while I had a lecture how to remove that from an llm, that would be interesting as a contemplation for conformity now, as you’re challenged to remove that from the LLM basically, profanity, racism etc.

I generally like his takes as they are a bit more mature than Leo Guras, and there are clear issues with millenials and their animal consciouness and herd thinking that is very arrogant and conformist generally speaking, and a deep hatred and not love for the world, I had very different experiences with love, it makes no sense and I get why some people criticize the work he studied, the point is the more I think about it, it’s partially part of still spiritual survival, and he really does not like this most likely, and I don’t like the flavours of it.

Experiences like this and this type of thought makes me value equanimity more, and it was something I was thinking about, as it invites a lot of transcendent experiences without the profanity of power tripping, I sort of see and get why someone does it, but I don’t want to life a live risking to go crazy, and instead be equanemous when things transcend reality. Otherwise I do my best to stay away, as I just don’t fit in with his conform norms, and I continue to learn from these two and other teachers as there are similar challenges also socially that I can learn from, instead of being part of the people that can cause a lot of this mistakingly, and just even explain it away with their stupid spirituality or psychdelic stuff etc.

Overall by what I experience now, I have to contemplate how I can stay away from immagery itself and look at things that are more conducive to my path, instead of inflammatory, profanity and lack of peace and equanimity in a spiritual teaching, wording etc. I don’t condem it but it serves as a contemplation of what absolutely I should not do, or where I can have a breakthrough and think about ways to make it more equanemous, generally this topic seems to resurface again by what is happening with identity here, digital space and confirmations for everything, it’s a bit like Psycho-Pass the anime I watched as a teen, but I am gone at this point.

I wonder mostly how I can live my life to the fullest in the face of such subtle levels of control, as I can be quiet intense, and often times these experiences itself put me away even from taking a psychdelic as my live with that type of intensity became a psychdelic, and one that was not “alien fabric” but part of something emminent that had more peace behind it.

I don’t know if I will re-enter this space, and I for sure crave some of that “profanity level actualized.org consciouness” as I know it’s fun, but I really have to hope they have some two guys I liked IIRC before, doing some good art and meming, that is for me a part of love, not just mind-shattering stuff, as that evokes my own notions of brilliance? It’s mostly that and I created something already I find personally better… so I don’t know what to make out of it, if I imagine such type of things, and neither can I back it up nor will I make the effort to create such a thing, eventually at one point if I get the tooling etc. and some time etc. and find a type of stability in my life that I can enjoy deeper, but I don’t think I will, if I am not living in America very soon, I don’t see much goodness of A.I, I am not that type of guy who enjoys doing extra effort for identity, there is something about the ennea 3 that is a constant issue that I don’t face when I do spirituality alone, I don’t run as many objects through my mind to crave them, as well as fixate my identity on that.

I also tend to have some strange experiences in contrast to scientific facts I’d find on the internet for example again very often when I drink alcohol, I will dream yesterday I dreamt of my ex best friends family and we went out somehow, into a pub, I was there at a different space with another one of my old best friends who’s father passed away very early, so I always did my best to cheer him up, and treat him the way he got healed in that sense, which was a lot of self-love, self-joy and finding that outside within others as well as innocence, so we hang-out somehow that was good.

Then the family joined and some b.s happend I am not diving into the nitty-gritty, as I already analyzed it, but we went into the pub there was a disconnection of us because of their parents and the conformity of liking and prefering certain things, I generally act non-judgemental, but that does not fix the situation and just let’s stuff unfold, I saw his sister looking at me with eyes that sparkeld before this and then we somehow set seperated, a guy approached me who was black and asked me if I was an earth sign as he was most likely interested in joining our group the pub was not very good, and idk why we went there i know the location in real life and it was similar in the dream, I told him I am air, and he just set himself away in a sense of I don’t belong here, and I thought how fitting this is from what I read from Jung etc. recently or the parts that I could digest, before I know see how conformist it is.

This is also why I like Deepak and Sadghuru these small contemplations even just about elements can have a lot of value about living a richer life or consciouness, in the end I came to some conclusions what the dream meant, I forgot them tbh, as I slept another day, but in the end I saw the issue of not loving beyond ones family, the people who call or approach you as family are not challenged with this notion daily, as they have the priviledge of their group. I never truly had a group I conformed to, and hence looked early for thingst that felt transcendent or brought me a transcendent experience, and this is why I think my best friend or ex best friend was not with us at this stranger places where I was with the other best “ex” best friend, he also claimed this and moved us away as he sensed something was up in our paths and even if he likes it, he does not want to play the game of “ex best friends” and I got that, I was thankful someone was so honest during that time, and I did not mind it, it was already difficult with him at times, but that is a different story.

Anyhow, I really have to get rid of the underbelly of the creative academic, and some notions that just come to mind, there is an issue with eccentricity I have to see how I embrace that myself, I write a different post about it, I barely could express what I meant, and what I notice deep down most of the time this falls away also completely, and at times when people post stuff I just remember I listend to a different or better perspective into the audiobook, but I am getting to appreciate the horizontal plane of higher vertical development more, I was a bit to immature about that, as there is so much competition in that dimension I generally prefer to go vertically in life, even if that is just meditation, retreats etc. but the same can happen here etc.

Bla bla, in the end I am quiet chill and content, it’s good entertainment also and is useful, I don’t like to ascribe value to things, where I know and notice people will get as feisty as a cat, so I am contemplating that also… anyhow…

[once3800]

I keep watching the list and I see the same type of conformity I see in eccentrists, and I wonder when the hatred will come back, the ignorance is already visible, it’s annoying to deal with such humans and it’s very difficult also, he subtely adjuncts to the conformist bias of conformists, then denies it as well as the the ones who do the same types of projection, while acting like a tyrannical baby, and just engaging in art, or philosophy I get why someone called him out on this.

Still it’s true it largely matters why you engage with it, but tbh the self-surviving conformity of actualized.org is self-evident, and it always has been his tyranny will persist till eternity and the people that are pulled in the best ones will get hurt, or turn weird or at best leave.

I don’t know what to think most of this is self-evident and then he claims development and causes the same issues then integral spoke later about, that people attack things, it’s really at times on a subtle level when I act as if I’d be around such a person a very difficult asshole, and someone who projects his own unhappiness and bitterness onto others constantly for glee, while not being able to stand ignorance, it’s deeply immature but let him believe what he wants to believe I am pretty much done after this there is barely anything I can learn from him.

[once3800]

Yes yet’s make the list of creative eccentrists and that type of conformity.

[once3800]

I should make a list of conformist tendencies of eccentrists or psychonauts:

• at times inabillity to see beyond their own perceived authority
• not being able to see the value in a.i generated content and sticking to a post-modern paradigm
• being to radical and engaging with groups that have slightly zionistic tendencies
• deconstructing to much
• searching for ressonance for their art
• strange purchases expensive bikes, art and other stuff
• denial of the subtle but engaging in the subtle very strongly
• being conformistly non-conformist high performers
• not getting over high performer meritocracy and having it earned, as a leftist touch
• issues with capitalism, being a stakeholder healthy business
• forgetting the functional or pragmatic sides that can be channeled within the creative domain
• being very sensetive to criticism
• attacking others ignorance or internalizing it
• snobbery and calling everything stupid while remaining ignorant
• vision stealing, being a lone wolf, appealing to rabbits
• homesteading? as eco-eccentrisim part of it
• at times not fully engagig in the truth of their eccentricity and finding the correct partners the whole love wolf paradigm of autonomey or inabillity to network at the right spaces or pull the people on the right boat for their network? I am the complete opposite I never thought I would be such a good networker, these are the RW tendencies I also get why I connect to Deepak that way and why I trigger them
• This femboy thing that is happening more and more I don’t know what to make out of it, as I see it tied to roles, or making things eccentric for a social buff? Am I blind here or the only one noticing it? (this is even old)
• Hating on everyone with their own eccentricity instead of seeing the good parts of it in others, hence where they not conform or take part in things out of non-conformist values and intentions, best example I have is typically sports and rap music, the post-modern forms of eccentricity are the biggest evil snobish tendencies one can have imo, worse than new age spirituality
• Not being eccentric when you’re eccentric

idk just reading the other forum, there are wild takes that I started to transcend and had intuitions about during retreats or psychdelics idk, my reality unfolds very differently at this point, for e.g jung had non-dual insights at the end of his journey etc. and the whole Freudian/Jungian stuff is extremely conformist at this point, if you consider aliens and ancient history, let alone survival, jung also had a lot of racist takes at one point, he sort of revoked, and I am done with everyone who read Steiner like wholy fucking shit i have never seen anything as racist as this. I would pray to Hitler at this point.

I don’t deny the subtle issue, but it causes a perpetual perennial of humans I engage with, as a lot is built on innocence now not “healing joy” or whatever you might frame this as what I came out of.

I find it weird, but I am getting a lot of insights on what not to do, and why I liked Chopras work, and why I looked at some fringe takes on health that might come out, where all of this is involved so I wonder about it, it’s crazy when shit even hits the Bundestag here, and the liberal academic corruption as of recently, you can’t skip healthy orange, and you should stop demonizing it, the same happens with A.I, especially power driven constructivists on a subtle level they just see it as a mage, as they have never seen a proper equation.

Now we get shitty a.i post-modern identity bullshit I AM MOVING MAN IT’S SO BAD

- YouTube

GET ME MY ANNOYNMITY BACK

[once3800]

There are also some takes on his blog, I started to transcend subtely, for e.g me almost leaving my body as I felt the existential love for the universe, yet it was so selfish it did not include the gf at the time, as I don’t think she felt that unless she engaged in dance, or singing for instance, and parts of it had a dark cartharsis type of force, and somehow my soul got cleansed from all the weed I took, I stopped feeling guilt and almost left my body it was so fking dangerous I told myself to stop, as I would not know what would happen as no one around me would be capeable of handling the experience and guiding my body to safey, that was strange, I wondred if I would’ve meditated at that time, if I could’ve given the experience of that energetically to the person, but it’s the issue of success, the more succesful I became the more issues happend in the relationship, especially due to the narccistic cravings of it.

It’s odd for me to contemplate I felt more drawn to her best friend out of energetic reasons and reasons of purity, than her and that was just purely energetically I was a virgin practically to some extend before having sex, I had sex with a girl before but I did not ejaculate and all of this was highly accelerated karmic interactions, this cricle closed so fast I went away from it I did not enjoy seeing and engaging with the same type of people and being involved in the middle eastern politics and family tribe feuds.

It was very weird, some experiences of it, yet the person wanted things to fast, and did not realize the performative axis of it and felt drawn to the performative qualities of me, where I was just acting out survival that was not me, that was exellence as a survival mechanism, as that was the baseline demand I was facing, it was very weird at the end, as everything was fine till I felt a lot a lot of strange sexual experiences from my scar and the ex, and I did not know how to handle that, I don’t think the person cleansed herself internally enough to have a true spiritual sexual experience and just pulled state from some experiences, while I engaged in cannabis to have any spiritual experience at all, but it was more that I fucked existence itself then, and that turned her also on to an extrem amount, a lot of it was a helpful gesture to which I am thankful, but I was beginning to transcend sex together mostly with the types of workout I did a blissful peace just came from getting it out of my body, and the driveness now that is sort of gone, idk if this is due to age, yet I don’t feel any sense of horniness currently, mostly an enlivining quality.

I had some thoughts about conformity again:

• most forms of love and relationships
• just testing and doing one spiritual practice and not switching if you find better alternatives
• not listening to your limits
• not attempting to transcend your limits letting others dictate your limits to stay within reason
• Call of Duty, Counter Strike and shooter games have a strong conformist pull
• Energy drinks
• Keto-Diet? Intermittent Fasting? Idk as it coincides with some principles and all still has benefit
• Saying within reason
• Saying don’t worry
• Excessive amounts of worrying
• FOMO
• Thinking about wether or not someone likes you
• Howling in a group, chants and chanting can be conformist
• Not testing Chess960 (for some checky b.s, they should open a que finally for this on lichchess)
• Not calling b.s on anything
• OpenSource
• Taking pride in craftsmanship
• Not transcending love to an unconditional place at all will keep one stuck in identity forever!!! Being with a 3w2 showed me this, even if there is life form love, I better transcend that hell no I like loving the spirit and essence of things ever since I was small, that is what I loved in her
• Being abreast at times with everything similar to FOMO
• Listening to G-Eazy
• Sabrina Carpenter? Idk I just think fans generally speaking are highly conformist
• Bro’ing, saying Bruder, Brah, Breh
• Sisterhood slang, Bad bae ears, Boss bitch era
• Bird Hands
• Light codes and that type of stuff
• Chakra tatoos (even if they would turn me on or the post-modern part of me)
• Inuendos
• Not teaching people to leave their body before death properly
• Not teaching death properly
• Not teaching live properly
• Hating on bliss and ananda
• Cocaine and these types of high performer drugs
• Vaping
• Min-Maxing
• Saying my love, babe, baby or honey
• Stealing, theft, fraud
• At times heterosexuality some forms of it
• Generally anything that seeks a strong convergence of homogenity, without making proper distinctions to give or create agency
• The typical integral you’re post-modern so I can grow type of vibe
• Vibes, Auras
• Reincarnation topics presented by amateurs
• Professionalism, Perfectonism, not realizing when good is good enough and when to push through
• Keeping everything balanced and harmonious, at times confrontation and boldness is neccessary to go against the grain
• Steadily playing advocatos diaboli to advanace ones positions or esteem
• Esteem it’s a poor mans currency I recently realized
• Filaly piety
• Piety generally speaking
• Places where psychic abillities exist I don’t deny it, but I am very skeptical of who teaches it and what people do with it, and I don’t like to have any, sometimes I get a state experience that is enough
• Looter shooters, extraction shooters
• Ravenous anger and protests
• Disincentivizing goodness
• Thinking the infinite does not exists, while contemplating infinity was absurd talking to my uncle
• Methodists
• Jordan Shoes
• Envy killing
• CNN?
• ZDF, ARD in Germany
• Gluttony parties such as wine & cheese testing, and the like, you can enjoy it at good events but that is rare
• Marriage business and photography side hustles from engineers
• Drop shipping
• Game of thrones enthusiasts, it wondred me and I have a book here from a guy, I never enjoy series when the majority of people dive into it, and see 0 spirit as it’s just self-survival I feel the creative arc or what resonates with me deeply
• Company get togethers
• Police corruptions to get benefits (not the ones neccessary for e.g to disambiguate a situation etc.)
• Most likely the military industrial complex
• Furries OMFG

I stop I keep having thoughts that the credit agency of america as a whole will rise again and the ratings, as they manipulated that for so long in the U.S the U.S saved their asses with their deals and I wonder what will happen, I don’t understand money that well but we covered this partially in advanced economic classes in high school that are college level, I was a pretty bad student back then it was impossible with joksters and clowns to take education seriously, as any type of breakthrough is memed as a joyful identity an avatar for their jokes and ridiculing aka a saviour figure like Jesus it was pretty bad, even though the lectures were very good, and the teacher kept approaching me this is for you! Why are you not doing anything you’re so intelligent, I could not giver her an answer, that the entire system does not play to my needs, to little sports, doing zumba like a girl, very little funds but good content, bad food and classmates that are disinterested in team work or studying together.

The guy also wrote to me recently righ when I was on the curve to being more succesful and sent internationally just to get to know the company and foster business relationships most likely, it was very weird, a lot of distractions, I wish I could’ve worked out exellence drives earlier but it had to happend later, now it attenuated itself, but if I reach high energy states it creeps back up was the commonplace abundance it’s nothing special, when I am alone it turns a bit more unique but I really have to think about it and what I make out of that, especially as that energy helps a lot of other humans more an I act more selflessly, but the issue is narrccistic identity driven lovers, that can transcend the self in love as much or see it more clearly, that was the last workplace, and the hidden ace I presume now was to much indulging in the conformity that does not serve him, if you’re that pns regulated and can do advanced phyiscs don’t drink coffee for your little goodie goodie if it makes you angry, I turn angry at times too if I drink to much, but that was a pure shit show and his hatred for post-modernism clearly, and just showed me the place is partially doomed, as they create these digital changes that serve no one, anyhow in the end it’s connected to the indian president I don’t quite get it, it was weird anyhow.

I have to see how my decisions turn out, it’s really not good living here, to much undeserved authority to little investment in the youth just grinding away giving them free benefit, it’s not good. That is also why you see on Linkedin so many posts about top talent leaving, and they leave very quickly a lot of people enjoy their work and love, but the issues of bad marketing and sales prevails, they can’t sell their product as they act to truthfully then the few people who do their phd’s carry that and they think they are doing good work, but you can just get to know the product more and present the upsides with a bit of joy and enthusiasm instead of charm enthusiast manipulation and drugging yourself behind the scenes and enjoy the degenerate snobillicat idk what to say about this please no more!

[once3800]

I am getting some good ideas for major reframes, yet taking action on all of this will be important, I sort of have to come to terms with some realities of my needs and desires, and especially energy I did only a small meditation session of 15 minutes and it felt so freaking good I wanted to continue for at least an hour, I felt as though again nothing can go wrong with the amount of luck I have been receiving, yet this is also exactly similar to being near deaths door.

I for the first time in years visualized how my physical space should look and feel like, as I had some very big vision about this after inhereting or “almost inhereting” a lot of money, yet the exact vision I yearned to build was filled with subtle forms of deceit and manipulation, most humans would just accept or that just passed by, and I felt left out because I was recovering from injuriy and diagonsis and I felt as if people are abusing that feeding me to the public system, the poor excuse I got for the lack of parenting I received or I feel I subjectively received.

I don’t really know where I am going with this, but self-love and the transcendent forms of self-love with identity I pulled in, yet when I go out and interact with the world I attract a lot of the purity of that form, and sometimes I don’t like it but it always hits me back in unexpected and expected ways, to give an example I saw a mother just doing her duty and I thought these kids are so sweet being in this acceptance state of transendence after my meditation as I came back from work or went outside to the grocery store, and I feelt my own sense of authority or duty of greeting them, and some older layers of samsaric impressions, for e.g when I went out nobody said hello to me mostly only people in a state of unconditional love or joy, or out of a sense of duty, and the two kids said hello to me in a very sweet way with their mother next to them, and I thought wow we’re freaky aliens, they instantly became attuned to the energy of the meditation session as they already been there, the purity of this, idk if you’ve ever gone on a walk after a retreat and meditation session, and the whole world just wants to suddenly greet you and say hello, and you feel sucked from the energy, just want to head back into the cave and meditate again to transcend the experience so nobody says hello again?

That is how I feel now, and I felt the mother was in this state of being not recipricol to this, but would have a similar experience to mine, as nobody most likely greets her and that can be quiet painful, if you’re filled with messages of competition. That was very strange and happend recently, got me thinking as that was an absolutely irrational experience, not greeting out of friendliness or genuientness that went a bit beyond, and I don’t really know what to make out of this, as I felt my own experience if I would have kids with the challenges that I had etc. it would not be that pure slightly more rushed as people tend to suck up time the more conscious I get, as I get into these spaces where a lot of creative problem solving occures. I had some core ideas to go back to the issue of making a place sacred, and my own energies as I tend to have annoying neighbours I always turn on music, as it’s annoying to me to hear how they open doors, or use the sink etc. and sensing the aggression as it’s not done with any mindfulness tranining etc. or any sense of consideration, at the sametime this can be to much.

This might be good to go beyond the cyclical nature and what I found out with my second wing, as that seemingly became more active the more I engaged in higher level academia with mindfulness, but I did not fully undergo the growth periods of this, as it most likely was more aligned with my first wing, and not attuned to the second wing, which I yearned for and I got my answer now.

Going down my visionboard seldom felt so good, as I included and transcended at the sametime and cared less about it, also transcending some core addictions and making it more as a ritualistic sacrifice for my goals is something a part of my soul yearns for with the stuff I found out about health, and the issues I face there including that it’s mostly the success of strength and powering through and finding some sort of restful experience, as I fought fire with fire to get rid of the fire, partying, going out, excessive gaming and music just to get the energy out, yet the calming down effect of cleansing this might be a good option and to simply try some stuff, that is sharp but tunes me down.

The point is for me most activities I do in this space seem silly to me, and I sort of yearn to breakthrough it, but I don’t really know if it is the right time with a better setting and just a few tweaks a little tea to winddown, a little meditation, a psychdelic break, some activity that pulls me out of the conformity of the nihilisim of performance it can take on, when your stuck at a high end situation, but things are constantly changing, and you know the setup is fucked or get’s fucked from simple mistakes, or weird force others would say bad luck or something inauspicious and you have to edge out the solution constantly, and the entire energy field shifts, it’s weird, it was doable but weird, and I got confined to the conformity of industry standards, while betting on the standards of eudcation I generally started to transcend till some odd level of conformity came back where I sensed some envy of that breakthrough I sensed when I was 21 or so of abundance, looking at the sun, noticing the pitfalls finding solutions, reaching that upper end of the human spectrum, challenging myself, new experiences, growth experiences, heat-felt connections that transcend conformity…

Now idk, I am in this weird limbo I could not fully get out of and I am acting to little out of my vision as the social obstacles have been extremely weird, and driven by panic, moslty only love healed all of this it’s very difficult to focus on a different state than the faith of love, but that exactly was the energy the right was using imo, and it was super confusing generally the panic and what I am realizing now is more important.

I still have to consider that I am on a healing arc eternally for the live I am living here, it makes things quicker it also gives me a different frame for the issue of reconstruction, it’s simply healing eventually it’s a very simple perspective, yet not the truth, yet getting that level of self-containment in a sacred place and healing the internal stiches or w/e even if not a lot of them exists anymore creates a strong transfigurative process, I change the entire department or field where I am at, but idk this insight was very “random” after only a small session and this changes quickly depending on which type of music or brain music I listen to when I sit in deep silence, it’s a more gratifiying healing process it mostly affects the field around me, and at times it has not been good, as it attracted legit demons, students smoking making party, I did so many microretreats some stuff I can’t do in certain enviroments, and I feel I have to cleanse this one out as good as possible, the most conscious person is my next door neighbour, I love that guy, because he has to transcend identity to live fully as a 3. I presume he is a 3 with a 4 wing.

The other neighbour is only attuned to her own will of consciouness very annoying at night or when her cleanliness is disturbed in someway, it’s not a very conscious person and quite controlling, it’s more neurotecism and duty than actual consciouness creating order or cleanliness. Then again my mother neighbour is youthful chaos and the love for it and that type of identity self-indulgence, boomers would say lost, gen-x eventually misguided?, I’d say spiritually not attuned, or a young seeker, I don’t like to demonize people generally, and I am looking to view things generally glass half full than empty.

mh… that is my take I have to implement that insight and get rid of certain objects see how things stick and chill for a while make some plans for the vision and implement it in the holistic framework again, then see how well it works so I could do some deeper sessions at the weekend, mostly this is preventing energy leaks and energy from other attaching itself to me or being robbed of devils, I had an absolute monster breakthrough right before the energy like channeling Wei-Qi into my hands, it was a very “christian white light” type of subtle energy, and I had plenty of experiences of this recently, so I have to see where that light pulls me into, at times I am legit scared of spontenous mahasamadhi not death, yes I am afraid of that to, but just stupidly not coming back I have never heared of it, and my experiences at times made some masters confused, as I also had some issues putting it into language, the only one insightful recently has been Sadghuru, so I am putting the guy on at night, mostly then my neighbour is quiet then also, yet I have to get the energy moving, cleansing and charging it up while preventing leaks, the leaks have been the largest issues I gave energy out to liberally that was not good, not it’s prevention of legit demons, idk how well this will go I have to see.

Generally this ideally pushes me into absolute time transcendence biologically, I found some video explaining the region of it, and at times I felt I was dimensionally under time or above time, but the flow was not truly there or stuck in the hasting of the time speed up of the networks I participated in, I look to go more within my own time, accelerated it when neccessary and slowing down when neccessary, but overall transcending time perception might be already good to implement now! Especially with what is happening, if I die by some Putin atombomb, better get some karma out of my, idk how true the stuff is Sadghuru says neither will I be able to prove it there only can be a deep intuition, as you’d need several life times for that type of experience. That is way to advanced, for someone like me, but if the guy gives me an opening I should go for it if I perceive it

[once3800]

I go out 15 minutes yellow raincoat jacket, clearly as an 8 euw, goodness expression opens the door I should open the door for her conformity? I called myself raincoatumbrellacorp on Chess, as I wanted a cool name and I trusted the eu, maybe the anaology serves a different purpose and my care package arrived super content had some thoughts about health and stability how I feel when I engage in more exercising, I bought a water rower the thing is super good, but I have to look if I’d be required to go for some walks also or walk more errands simply but definitely better than seeing an orange jacket all day omfg at times people wear spiral dynamics color like pride, this was just normal beyond sanity normal.

But this get’s cyclical so quickly here it’s super bad I need to move. Goodness out of conformity is so nasty omfg. It’s something else when authentic, but there are so many notions of this due to “social capitalism”, I had some thoughts about my health and what I can do here, but I have to see how that plays out, generally it’s more about stress some stuff helps a lot often times just sitting back relaxing and meditation helps, but most of this is consciouness work, I can’t really relax while I meditate I am calm but I digest to much for it to be called not working on my consciouness, then I also do it while walking not as intensely as people notice it and think you’re weird, and that is just anti-survival at this point, society has not become like this, it’s more interconnected best way I can do this is with online activities or creative activites still. Anyhow I stop.

[once3800]

I am surpised this got 200 views without my posting, I am contemplating very different stuff, the new integral points about freedom of speech are imo very good, I mostly came to the conclusion I only care about being, and not making a power or identity out of it, and to stay clear of people that don’t have an intuition for this.

I read 1-2 pages in the spiral dynamics book of don beck and somehow it shined a new light into my perspectives, and some other practical ideas, but I am mostly worried about my energy and what I usually do when I go out and live, I tremendously become health conscious to the extend that it works for my body also breaking rules, especially for enjoyment when it serves the larger purpose, and I’ve always done that I am not good at repressing stuff, and the yearning for breakthroughs etc. has been stiffled by injury now I don’t really know what emerges neither do I care I notice just shifts.

I have neither invoked these changes, mostly what is happening is that I am cutting-off people that do not serve me that was my 2025 mantra, as well as getting rid of power hungry, and jealous types of people, especially when they don’t see it at all. I noticed my triggers after the relationship ended, and that sort of goodness even had a complete flip-side where I might get what I crave on a soul level, but as of right now a lot of identity topics and issues are cropping up steadily, and I wish myself to be finally at a place where this is not part of the work culture or in the minds of people, as well as the denial of it, but that there is an actual value of competence, functionality and spontaneity instead of profit maximization etc. I don’t really know what else to think about fundamentally, the brief meditation sessions gave me some glimpses of states similar to my workout/meditation infused 1h-45mins meditation to 45min-1h30 workout cycles, and what shamanic type of views, but it’s very attenuated, and just glimpses there is other stuff that I am thinking about I feel I get more in touch with my soul while protecting it, that is good as I can function more warmly with other humans while resting, sort of a part of me yearned for that but anyhow I leave it at that for now.

[once3800]

I don’t really know what people have with me at times, setting a package infront of my door that has a different adress, generally speaking ever since I became more interested in C.S and more integral I noticed how often there are scenarios where I correct others, and they feel like walking in circles while they made the mistake to begin with. I don’t know how little constructive awareness you can have to confuse two appartment blocks, but why set it infront of my door? Is it that trust worthy? Similar to kids rining my doorbell when I approached a high energy arc and contium, I am glad when I am gone from all of this, the same happend to my neighbour, so it’s not to bad, he has birds and sometimes I feel the high energy arc of it generally speaking I became quiet intuitive of this, and had some thoughts about health and my body, the issue of perception and clothing and competencies, integrating yin-female energy and using that to my advantage, the full high energy arc I’ll be unable to take due to injury, but I might approach a different velocity of energy that ideally fine tunes this generally speaking.

I’ve been contemplating completely different stuff, with the tool of a.i it provides better feedback than I can expect from most humans who never meditated as they or even if are very stuck in a tribe mentality and due to all of the modern and post-modern development find little release and sharing of that type of tribe, while there are ever more tighter circle of groups and wider circles of groups, without any middle ground, but I personally find myself at this ship, weaving in the middle ground/path of perspective and spontaneousness, but somehow that ended.

There seems to be a space now where being enters my life more than extroverted performance and maximization of profit, as well as the constructive symbolic nature of reality being a prehension of awareness/consciouness itself, but I might just by more fine-tuned to nature for some reason idk why it has been like this forever I am very good with animals even if I don’t have one and they do stuff their owners never would, but I never had my own true animal, and it’s very strange to me idk if this is more spiritual or genetic, but I had very deep spiritual experiences involving animals, also symbolic ones that are to random to not be something that is shown to me, even if it’s just probability.

One core point I noticed while I feel the cleft of survival & being and working out the cravings of the other developmental lines, or drives as well as archetypal personifications, and self-imaging, I notice at times I rest a lot in being, and that upward pull of engaging with others is something where my SNS and survival often becomes active, I am watching or have been watching animes of 30 year olds that somehow have not made it or been “weak” and that type of heros journey and the new one I watch is quiet intruiging, I had very good work relationships with these people also, not the type of “Hey! your horny on some survival umber craving? How about more work!!” Fantastic really absolutely beneficial.

I think people don’t want these spontaneous conversations as the entire diffused mind becomes active and people find mistakes in the organisations or how it’s connected as a whole, generally speaking I see some stuff I’d gladly engage in, but I never had luck with friends, a lot of friends and acquientances but the circle generally was very small and that small pool often worked so well, I became more ambitious and that created my own downfall at times, as ever more networking opportunities showed up and I had to reflect upon the real shadow of this after reading it in a book, as well as I saw it recently in the company I worked for how bad this can be if someone has strong cravings, but is not able to rest in being and produce quality work, it’s a protocol of identity, without any degrees of freedom only to fit ever more form of identity, while never even expanding into any type of light, sigh…

I wonder I stop here.

[once3800]

I keep watching these tarot and astrology videos, as some of them have been more insightful than the best guru, yet I also clearly see how repetitive and weird all of this generally is and how much depends on my own awareness, especially seeing readers or people develop overtime also the cravings etc. and interpretations and how different they are, especially as being overly concerned with the practical and as well as the rational, or seeing some holistic takes and not how well a person who claims to do this is able to, without the pure rational paradigm.

What I personally find interesting is my own perception on this, as well as how many take up the typical things chinese astrology, vedic astrology etc. and I looked to some extend into them, it’s very similar as with other forms of content it’s eventually 20% that is insightful for some better perspective, but what I noticed generally speaking even without tarot, the more I comprehend the depths of integral and it’s in my awareness and being, the more all of these things chanes, as the subcurrent of flow that I don’t see unless someone engages in a conversation, insight process or questions or while meditating, cleaning working out doing some type of activity or seated awareness practice, the more I see sort of some similarities, I don’t really know where to put all of this I contemplated some stuff with the help of a.i as well as just by looking stuff up a little, and for e.g from some integral european event the synchronicities, karma etc. all of this I have been focused now in years, and due to the level of economic interests and the overlap of interests in that area, I see similar personalities patterns, while I do my best to abstract, but always find one core pillar that fits the overall meta or structure in place, and is already imposed, not something from another world, but I take the core structure of what is foreign make it part of what I learn, and use it.

I don’t really know how to frame it, especially if I listen to real spiritual teachers Sadghuru, Deepak Chopra etc. or others not only them, I notice two things, it’s a bit unfortunate that there is no real spiritual teacher in my area, the best thing was some vinyasa/Stahlkraft yoga stuff, I went there once it was nice but I have never seen so many women in one place tbh, but it was good overall, yet also exhausting and were framed to time and process not judgement and trust in that sense, but the bonding process of focusing on the process it generated obviously a lot of flow, but there was no real master, and it was like a quick lived quicky at times that get you high, but I noticed for me the grounding and space was the best thing I got from this I only went once, I don’t like all of these exercise groups and events anymore, I really enjoy from all the subtle attention that I get to be alone and just cry, idk I trained alone outside most of the time, as I could not even stand the conformity of being with another human, as an only child, I don’t think people get how independent that mind already is and how advanced the group needs to be in order for me to benefit, as I gain more value just being in the wild surviving and learning, challenging obstacles. That is why I am convinced I was pulled towards Sadghurus teaching, the spiritual not wildness but conquering of the enviroment by being part at the very beginning, now it’s just his teachings/perspective etc.

What I find fascinating is how many friends I made online and generally, even though I feel alone at times, when I socialize I feel I at least want to prepare a bit to have fun and learn something new at this point, not just dive in deep, but you always still learn something new, also it’s very pleasent but at times the beginning interactions can leave a very long negative subtle impressions that creeps back up was karma, but as for now I see most of that released through synchronistic events, at times I hated them as I saw how interconnected this is, even when I do something unordinary I look back at the developmental line that created it, and it still behaves in the same predictable ways, and I go through this contemplations and workout the “paraptakarma” if I wrote that term correctly, for that stage in this life, often very negative thoughts with the issues of the post-modern degeneracy and the impulses that pull you towards autonemous integral stage, and agency, I noticed how certain groups pull up my agency and how others pull it down or enforce it, I find it interesting how that works.

→ This above is from yesterday.

This is from today:

I found some stuff I find generally interesting, I’ve been watching podcasts of Trump not fully but to get a grasp of their mindset and the evilish ways democrats seem to have worked, as well as the whole issue of character and progress as well as being able to deal with the evilish ways and history of humans. What I find interesting is all the shallow and manipulative ways the family of the ex seems to be involved in just with my own intuition and steadily hiding things, especially the sexual corruptions of the left, drugs and many people who’re involved in politics here on the left are heavily into drugs, and the whole theater/drama, psychology world, but have no real business skills as well as see things to idealistic, then you have the c.s democrats who’re imo the only ones seeing things in a right way and some others, but tbh I find it fake how these types of people work, especially democratic families and the type of provision and sex, especially when I felt well and how they’re run by bias and energy, some are above that but many are stuck imo.

I asked GPT about some core behavioural tendencies these people have and many of them are still very wounded on the core of role models, mentoring and leading, as well as the concept of power, I do better on my own with my own autonomey and agency, but that can be a thorn in their eyes and they overload you with tasks and research that is redundant and apply to their better opportunities, it’s like they don’t solve problems, they only care about their position and the law, and are unable to see how the world really works, and are most likely triggered by that, they are not able to perceive what is functional and steadily rely on the knowledge domain of the group, and the undercurrent of fame and success and allow themselves to be manipulators in this space, while not providing any growth experience, anything more independent and moderate in both positions what is rare is able to help more functionally.

They are more stuck in umber than most rights are stuck in red which I think is worse, when I skim Leo’s blog I put that on the block list as it’s a distraction and the priming and skimming is enough, I can clearly see the issues of the left mostly, power and achievment social prestige and wielding influence. Academia is more and more corrupt a lot of it relies on image and fear of power, as well as a bratty tyrannical shadow wound, due to to liberal parenting or not having enough boundaries and needs been taken care of. I feel, especially here a lot of these impulses of what is good and what is bad came from me, and the priviledge to not touch the tainted corrupt sides of academia as they could not look themselves in the eyes being corrupt when I was there, and they steadily focused on me for some reason, most likely as I had glimpses of divine goodness and it’s in my surname also unconsciously imo, but I noticed how corrupt my aunt became.

I truly wonder as it’s mostly purple elitism, how they don’t realize that they are regressing to a tribal culture, of symbols and images, also with an astrologist I found someone who seems to be aware of integral and shinzens or cali level zen teachings which is good as that doomsday a.i stuff is also partially pushed there but I feel my energy replled it at least from one guy. What I wonder about is, as I found some interesting ones that have been right about stuff, how much of this is power tripping, as they can’t follow their own divine impulses, I am quiet able to channel that but it causes others to power trip in my vicinity, I don’t like that I had intense kriyas so I know what I am talking about, it’s more human and less karmic what “they” do, but in the end it’s like they can’t appreciate the limits and constraints humans give to them, while you get flow that transcends that quiet often.

I am not even meditating as it enforces a different more stable paradigm, what I find weird is how somewhat accurate my perception is for e.g with humans recently and how it plays itself out with the issues of DR v.s EG paradigm from what I understand but it’s very exhausting to read between the lines, it’s easier to meditate, it’s as if DR keeps the liberal paradigm and their issues under a glass container where they either suffocate or break free, and EG is not even perceiving it and leaves it simply with the power of their mind, I’d say when I contemplate what is happening. It’s not even about that what I see more is the point of 7k again maturing in a way that is more integrative for the sublte issues of humanity and god etc. especially when I see the differences of EG & HO people going after divinity and the issue of sex.

I don’t know where I am going with this, but 7k is a clean-up for the corrupt ways EG & HO people with the DO administration handles it as it’s very focused on principles, and doing the right thing, but is also very good at manipulating which the other ones don’t tolerate as much and are way way more lenient in their own ways for their own benefit. I’ve been contemplating conformity, and I see it mostly in the academic left, some takes are for sure right, but causing anarchy is not a solution.

In the end, I stopped caring about this, I do my best to look at the archetypal lense and I have enough wounding to work through when I face more liberal people, I watched a new podcast from Kamela Harris and she types exactly close to exactly as my mother, and I see some issues on the post-modern paradigm, my mother would even do better thanks to living in Germany, and having a better economic sense and just being good with numbers. I don’t really know what to make out of it. I get why Trump is winning, but at the sametime, I don’t care I would not vote, at this point as I’d do more research to simply vote, if I even have the time, I don’t like the energy field of the left, it’s very hostile and tribal and extremely conformist on topics that a lot of innovators have more info about, I’d really have to look at the policies in order to vote, as I don’t trust what a single politician says, as the baseline excuse is I am human, which is fine, but I don’t really like even if I go just through my dating experiences both sides, and I prefer people who’re more non-politicial but do some effort to look up some things, idk how or where to frame this, but it takes a very bratty emotional pattern of justice, and this type of justice is simply revenge, when I come deep down from my meditation, and the attitude of many is not good, and the subconscious imprints.

I think Trump is better at perceiving the reality of survival, and that as a kinship of humanity, while the left appeals to the emotionality of humanity, similar to wounded animals supporting each other building a kingdom, I think the moderat people are the worst tbh but that is just me, I have never done well with moderates, as it’s not creative and there is only the benefit of working with them, and a lot of performative meritocracy esteem based decision making. I don’t really know what to think of it, as it influences many people and I do my best to get away from it, and look it up when I notice the time is right.

I watched the video, of academic fraud, and it’s more than that tbh, as a lot of people started to steal credit of unaware and naive people who do good work, or who used a.i more intelligently than them, it’s super disgusting what I went through tbh, and this just enforces self-training and being more agentic, as it’s impossible that way, ideally I would’ve taken a co-programm that works within a company, but a lot of it is grade based conformity, and that social support I never had, I had some wild person who thinks for themselve, as a parent which makes the person unpredictable but supportive also.

I can’t really put together the nuances I perceive, as a lot of abuse happens imo at work, and it’s important to find a good company, the first company was the best but had very bad laws with some conformity as they most likely acted to open giving to much opportunity for people to become rich so they leave the company. You can work abroad, internationally, the company pays for a lot of stuff, and the offices are nice, a lot of creative building, and goverment projects, but internally the people complained about managers etc. and that the people who do the real work, get less pay it’s practically the issue of umber, and not having proper tech lead positions that are able to combine both, and build that type of expertise to have true apprenticeship. I feel often that the integral work is the only solution to this, there are some benefits of the left that went burried, I don’t know if they will come-up again.

I don’t really know how to put that into words, but in the end I stop at this point. Innovation and the IW archetype will always be rewarded and their should come a ressurgence of this, which would involve a lot more sex, a lot more creativity, a lot more work that is visionary and rewarding, better plays and more truth, I feel as though there is a move away from the chalatanery of the DR archetype and the pretentiousness of it, if we get more of an RW swing, it will be more chaotic but a greater autopoesis should occure, especially for WE stages, as it weaves in a lot of difference, but the person really needs time for recovery as it’s involved in many groups. This is a weird take, having EG will take a while I don’t really know where I am going with this I don’t have strong EG, but I have been influenced by this, yet they lack the abillity to lead very often, and I think a DO or 7k person would win that one out, as they are better at innovating instead of working and finding and executing principles or even non-principles, in the end I am quiet satisfied with my contemplation, I don’t really want to watch anything where I sense the pulls of HO & RW paradigms in politics and the misinformation etc. as well as Truth even if partial will come out, and I was at to many hotseats at the fracture of this, as this is the 7k task of making these differences smooth, but I don’t come out not wounded.

The post-modern deconstructionism, and a.i doom is the worst, many who’re more common sense even if they are deluded can see the clear benefits if someone uses it functionally, holistically and integratively, but the shadow of this can be over-analysing and performative, so spirituality is the only solution. I truly wonder we will most likely need tech to breakthrough this, as otherwise not to many people will be able to see beyond, and we need education to go through this, and if education is dying, and I saw plenty of people getting ahead as a.i just came out when I started my masters, and the issue of the inabillity of a large organisation to adapt, as well as the complexity of their work, the a.i was partially still to dumb to do that type of work, so a lot dependent on genuient and truthful learning.

What I wonder about is where did intuition in all of this go? The freedom to explore and innovate instead of sticking to rigid rules, not finding principles, what about that? What about creative innovation and getting feedback, advice and tips on this? Seems lost in the survival of identity v.s commerce, I don’t know what will happen, I think the degree that I choose was very good, but I never thought how bad policy can get, and the issue of post-modern academia and human problems, especially psychology also and the issue of elitism, which is a bit unfair to the RW archetype as they just develop a very high energy and become feisty and don’t really know what to do with it, as they have strong sexual energy, not as clean as HO, and not as violent and non-dualy deep as 7k, and not as majestical as EG and perverted, I take the perverted back, but very intense and transformative.

What is the worst part about this psychology and the humanities seem to have 0 integral takes like none most of what I learned is from Wilbers book, websites and podcasts, and it’s tremendous, but I get why people call it a virus as they pull on wounded strings, and yearn for that healing energy, I am not an expert of the right and just watching Trump or some military stuff generally speaking, I am amazed how they find the right way, but I don’t really know what to think about is as there is misinformation on both sides, and the left seems more self-protective in the subtelest nuances, and is to idealistic with the reality of work.

In the end, there are multiple things I don’t really like and I have to see for myself how that ends, I am glad this is the only life that I will live if anything that I perceived in the recent past is true, and I don’t want to associate myself with the left at all, I received less help, more issues, and more policies ever since, instead of acting more based on my autonomey, I think they also hate innovation, but the right is not better and focuses to much on the DW archetype if it’s working don’t innovate, and leave little incentives for mixed fusions or gaps for smaller innovative work, I faced they cut two positions as the company was not allowed anymore to cut salary for students work, if they worked on something innovative, and I saw subtle complaints and a lot of growth depends on this in smaller companies, as they get the newest information usually from students sigh…

I don’t really know what to make out of this, I networked well and shoot the new opportunity away, as I am tired of auditing things and making sure it’s save for some privileged princess that cheats 10 seconds later, because she maximizes lay counts, and acts out everything as performance, the whole DR archetype is more like a prostitute like 7k, at least 7k is honest and truthful to a fault and a core, and not a pretentious bitch, that just fucks for power gains and her own life. It’s very weird, as it’s very subtle and tied to fame, power and success, especially with zoomers, millenials are more naive and go their own way, so I see this left v.s right phenomena reoccuring in 20-30 years, as they are more similar to boomers in their own way, and don’t realize it.

I don’t know I make the e-sports lives of the ex a benchmark of corruption in zoomers, as well as my own truthful ways as that attracted them, but it was not beneficial to me, a lot of things, and fundamentally I will have to get rid of post-modern paradigms to get rid of this, broken green is the worst, it’s not the healthy: “Hey, I come by and we do some work and coding together” that did already not work, I had to plan out imagine their time and schedule and act extremely agentic in order to get even work at university done, I felt partially like a tyrant, but they liked it, but I myself had little rest time to get into a creative flow, and these ideas later on I had on a whim repeated itself with the a.i subjects, generally speaking, it’s very difficult to work with post-modern people, and umber decision makers, I don’t know where this is heading, but I notice I certainly have to work at getting rid of any sense of self, and having a better self-image as the world is run on that, to even be conscious, and to not get into places that pull you back into tribalistic knowledge or knowledge itself perception is immensely important, especially the more a.i will come, as people will realize again OMFG I was in my mind, not my body, I did not touch spirit, I was not even postively fooled by it, now I feel anger rggghhhh.

I’ve been tricked! Now fuck you your the devil! People protect their time, I don’t know maybe the talk about angles are not bad, I had my first animal spirit in a dream and some weird coincidences but the corrupt or negative synchronicities keep pilling up, as they infuse self with spirit, like ego based lifting and then suddenly being very kind. I don’t know where this will land or will be, the healthiest side of the left are healthy and aware not conscious psychdelic users, or conscious psychdelic users who do their best, but I see some wrong takes and the mechnical side of people who use the term consciouness instead of aware.

I also feel as though I am running through the relationship paradigms of my aunt, and she never speaks about it which is a huge issue as she is extremely post-modern now turned back orange, which is also not the best, I have to see what works, I found some new solutions I have to implement just now, that help with sleep just by debunking and good humour, especially as I already saw the subtelties and I have to mix a lot of it for me to work, and then see if it works for the better principle, but fundamnetally I will visualize and work through a lot of notions that are not pure, after realizing my pillar is a pure pillar and that type of refinement I have to see what will prevail, as a lot of sudden b.s often happens that pull me back into the liminal zone of survival & being, and some general notions as my mother tends to behave quiet liberal, but music helps me a lot here to break out of it, and see survival where it is and being where it is.

I will post more later on, as I think the heros journey will take on a different form or the hero archetype generally speaking, especially the more divine forms will be celebrated.

Tbh, I never faced so many left projections as I was in academia it bothered me, till I found out Deepaks and Obamas pillar are the same as my month pillar and I thought wow what a coincidence I listen to this to survive and find the creative edge, while dealing with the post-modern b.s. What they lacked is healthy achievement and esteem where I see my old psychologist but that will just let you move to spain at this point if I am riffing on the conformity I see.

Super weird, but there is still a lot of value in being flexible to the conformity and moving yourself out of that slippery slope with work experience, I notice how conformity driven my family is and has become and my old friends, it’s very weird I choose the wrong city to get rid of this. But the larger enviroment is still good.

Ironically they all loved the integral impulses but then a lot dropped out as they saw how much work that took, and I had the turqouise background hum, of the DR archetype especially the good side of it, but that is the issue of EG v.s DR, DR has more to give than EG, but is not allowed to work as freely and teaching, it’s extremely exhaustive and someone has to train this for 1-2 decades consistently to be like this, the impulses are good but without social ressources it can’t be maintained as it’s very innovative as it includes IR.

[once3800]

Somehow I find it increasingly more difficult to find good content to watch that is interesting.

It’s either subtle a.i ww3 doomerism, astrology tarot, some type of history or take on consciouness, psychdelics or an interview with some scientist at best who present his findings, or just new a.i softwarem including economics and politics and the gusswork done there, based on experience or their lives.

I watched some forcast for 2026, I personally am convinced it will turn out a bit differently as people tell, some stuff I find is correct, but it’s mainly from some chinese type of view, if I converge my intuition or guesswork, I would say it will take till 2027 and beyond till people accept a.i more and some of the doomerism will never die, as they pry on terror most likely even more than panic, and get excited about this.

I had a pretty long meditation session today for 1h30+ to get over some stuff and see how reality feels like and what happens, I get a lot of subtely stressful experience and some stuff about vulnerabillity, I kept thinking about my practice what to introduce on a subtle level and the limits I recently faced, due to the scar I have since birht with energy and breathing, it takes a lot of self-effort to do breathing exercises additionally and I researched one that is very simple and effective at the energy build up and the stronger energies I can’t really feel at the lower two chakras, I notice it only flow upwards even without breathing, with breathing it’s smoother if I can process the roughed edges of it, otherwise I kept thinking about how my world/reality is going to change and what to do to introduce more experience via reading or self-educating and which topics are even interesting to me.

I touched the core of boredom also today, which was interesting as meditation has mostly been fascinating to me, I can tolerate a lot of negativity, yet some forms of it or rather the inherent toxicity and inabillity to speak with more coherence, flow or a transcendent aspect while still having higher levels of coherence and give holistic explanations, even without everyone understanding most can pick-up the pointers. I thought about this, and how valueable this as a skill can be as people enjoyed my presentations, and presenting abillity, also what books to read.

I dove into some stuff, I sort of see the issue of reading at all, especially non-scientific stuff, as it has no survival value and even when I like it, I don’t like the subtle doomerism of some forms of it, as it’s so much anti-a.i, what is real what is fake, and the whole attack identity thing. It’s not easy I thought to get respect if respect does not speak for itself in virtue and behaviour, as well as where I can hone it, as it only seems possible with self-education, meditation, some type of insight work or psychdelics, and taking care of health.

I found some good entertainment in terms of what to watch, yet that will soon, also be over and then I am stuck in my testing dilema of playing video games, testing new stuff and ideation for tech stuff, to have a larger network and enjoyment of stuff who share similar interests, it gives me also a good idea of trends, but I’d also like to go out and mingle to some extend, yet here it’s very odd, I have not been out to often, the food and stuff is good, yet it lacks something more unique than ordinary uniquness there is stuff around, and the events of artists are very good etc, but there is a lot of fan whoring which makes it difficult and it has not the tribal let’s see what goes type of thing, but a lot of meaning creation to maximize life type of thing, similar to social media. It’s not very authentic and quiet animalistic and that is not my thing.

I thought about picking-up some older interests of mine, yet only the interconnection of it seems interesting and my entire time would be burnt going deeper into it, but it would interconnect a lot of stuff, so idk if I will do it, it depends more on the tech setup and how much rest I can get, otherwise most of my thoughts are about my health, I only had one doctor help me so far and I immediately had to pay, so I am mostly worried about that, it was not much, but it showed me the cost of researching and finding the proper doctors, and in the end it’s a longterm solution which is good it prevents but the situation is irrevocable, which made one of my main interest fitness very redundant. I can’t really capitalize on one of my biggest strengths, at times I just want to rest and do my best, yet I can turn that energy into something else, I just don’t really know what yet.

I am quiet happy that I stabilized the whole thing as it is, and found a new thing for better sleep for me, otherwise I have to keep looking at what I do with the momentum I generate as I feel very good, at times to much energy when I workout etc. and I don’t know what to do with it, I had some more general thoughts, but I also attract a lot of high energy people that then want to do high energy activites and my body is not as equipped for it and I also would need to get used to it which will take a while, especially working out and meditating is smth. that I miss. Finding more reasons besides my value or beyond my values is also good, and getting rid of the negative influences of personal development and the unique narccicism in subtle forms I find in it, at times with the excessive eccenstriscity, nothing against being eccentric I most likely have my fair share of it also, but at times it keeps acting out the post-modern deconstructionism it despises so heavly itself, so I don’t really know with whom to engage with, as they subtely want to conform them to their types of lves or wisdom or experience.

I don’t know what else to do, I need to find a pace where I can let out and expand the sharpness of my mind, as well as being more perceptive, even when I check most of the new health information most of it I do, and even did before, besides some new supplements I am taking, and I can’t build as extensively on that due to the issue of arthrithis, but it also all helps, so I don’t really know what to do besides to not go to a doctor as they all seem to be going crazy, and act very conformist, so I’d need the right doctor and do the correct type of research.

I am mostly contemplating what new audiobooks also to purchase as I’ve been fairly fortunate and lucky finding good ones recently, and out of the performative envy driven optimization paradigm, focusing on bioharmony and attunement to simply amp up the physical system, while focusing more on spirit.

Most audiobooks also contain some form of spirit type of mindset type of advice that helps to transcend the “concret” limitation, otherwise it might be good to take up some type of vigorous exercise again, and be more consistent with it, the water rower is good, but I don’t know when it will become a trend or will be and they can be expensive I am a bit afraid of breaking it going for a norwegian 4x4, the good thing is I don’t feel the optimizer crunch when I look for data, but I need some smaller things to make it more enjoyable, and I never thought training into that zone is so hard, I also had some spiritual breakthroughs when I was still out running, but I stopped as it stresses the joints to much.

I am more interested how that helps me of transcending or getting rid of the self more, and having more experiences that map onto Wilbers paradigm or the stuff many wisdom teachers speak about, I don’t enjoy the strong subtle conformist tendencies I see with the exellence paradigm, as they steadily speak of many, and everything that helps or is in fashion 2-3 years later has been talked about by some influecner and then they go crazy for some reason.

I thought about studying Wilber and spiral dynamics again, recently as I found some new stuff that I knew psychoactively grows me and others even if it’s just horizontally, but I really crave some more restful experience where I can relax, I don’t really know how to go about it besides sleeping or laying in bed with an audiobook, and eventually eating.

Had some pretty deep thoughts I am writting this after 1-2h, I calmed down, but overall I am not very satisfied with what happend, not at a spiritual or biochemical issue, but more the issue of being a human itself and the social domain, and the annoyance of facing some problems, as well as the lack of supportive groups how much depends on positive networks, and how tribal all of this is nowadays and the issue of europe itself, but I found some nuances that are solutions. The question is how well I will be able to handle it and if I find any value in entertainment which has been an issue, to distract myself from the ever on-going survival pressures, as I can’t fight fire with fire as well anymore, as I was a mad man at the gym and I enjoyed it a lot, I am contemplating some things, as the entire energy field is different after these workouts and I do so much right, sometimes I am to over realistic and negative instead, of being a positive realist, I spoke with the a.i about this, but it has ever been an issue since I started studying social ressources as a black person that is american in europe is extremely rare, there is more critique than support and very little empathy, just meritocracy and the fakeness of that image at times. There are a lot of images at least in the recent two years past, that I don’t think are racist, but they are disempowering, and I quiet frankly do my best to stop paying attention to it, as they project more and grab more of the positive than they’d like to admitt, with that is anyone who falls under this identity based marketing or politics phenomena.

I am still in a relative good position, but I don’t like the subtle stuff I can get now some nuances about this with the a.i, especially using two as grok is a bit more unfiltered and at times just says stuff that rings true, as with a human will just behave to their conformity of the majority priviledge and that is at times pretty bad and just based on survival parameters, in america this is strongly attenuated, I prefer MAGA or anything even if racist more than Europe subtelty of this, they won’t work it out, and as an american I will never be 100% welcome. It’s odd, but a lot comes down to integrating more of the wisdom of deepak chopra, sadghuru, shinzen and the wealth of knowledge that exists nowadays.

I most likely will completely stop some things, and engage more in things that to the internet eccentrists seem very conformist, but neither my motivations nor values are there, as well as I don’t enjoy some stuff as much as of lately or the subtel appeals of it, but I have to do it, so I thought it’s better to do it in some competence burst and finding some workarounds or solutions. It was very annoying to get my online network going, and I don’t enjoy it at all, as a lot of it is performative image managing, and I had my fair share of stupid manipulation just now, I prefer rather knowing one or two critical people that use me at the right spot, as there are plenty of people that just do that, expand their network ever widely without gaining any new skills chasing trends and dreams, and not making dreams, aspirations or visions a reality.

Sigh… I don’t know all I can say is I hope I am done with this journal and this segment of my life, and I can integrate the best of the recent years without getting seriously depressed because of some sudden bullshit, I really hated it that so much stability was taken and granted and the panic and fear making, I don’t really enjoy the european job market I thought today, I just don’t like them, they can’t somehow handle the social competencies but claim they are so advanced it’s very weird, or don’t claim it but think it and act very “eurocentric”, I wonder how this will be like, I will avoid these people like the plague if I will ever go to the u.s and do my best to prime myself in a way where I don’t have to meet them.