Integral Journal (once3800)

once3800 · October 13, 2024, 8:14am

I am doing shadow work, and using A.I to evaluate and get better insights & results for the practice of shadow work. I wrote this a couple of times. As well as having a journal, yet if it is disturbing to you, I will move and do it privately, I enjoy doing this in public format, yet if this causes issues for others somehow. I will move on to doing it privately in OneNote.

To let you know in advance I blocked and ignore you, I have interacted with human beigns who sent me death threats, and I sense similar patterns here with you, so I just will ignore you and block you. Thank you for your understanding.

once3800 · October 13, 2024, 8:37am

Briefly journaling before I do my next shadow work session, as I changed it to do it on the weekend via my schedule, I noticed after the shower is finally fixed I can go again for a proper 4 am routine, as I do have now hot water which is enough for me, currently my morning routine works quite well.

I am going ahead and ignore users, directly who seem slightly off, as I have been attacked multiple times on other spaces and my intuition on this is very sharp, especially if they don’t have a shadow work practice and there are mistakes already in the first sentence they are writting in a very simple format.

Anyhow, I contemplated the dream I had with spiders as they were around my dream weaver, and they were somehow friendly and not hostile, till now the only clue I have for interpretating this dream, is that there are others, so called “neutral/normals” who are eating my dreams away, by taking neutral action and taking space, as this is currently happen like fake friends and NPC’s online, who forget the humanness this is something that was disturbing to me as digital native, and age does not matter in that regard.

The next thing I wanted to contemplate about is how to make the 4 am routine happen, yet there are not many small systemic changes that I can do as of now, besides changing the music of my phone, and generally just staying away from human beigns who are not serving me, as well as things that are not serving me, I would like to exchange green tea and coffee for white tea, and to do a 4am routine and some exercises. I am super exicted partially, yet I want to write about my current obstacles, I also feel writting about integral here will just cause massive derogatory conversations, as Wilber writes in ROT we’re living in a culture that takes no responsibility and blame for their behaviour and actions, and 3-2-1 practice is a way to re-integrate that, and I feel, especially a lot of boomers are not as advanced and don’t get the essence and neither practice the essence of what Wilber teachers. As long as I can ignore users here, I will ignore them instantly, as I have plenty of experience now, of who is not serving me in my life, gaslighting, blaming others for their self-esteem and victim complex, and projecting that.

I think there are plenty of normal humans here, yet there are parts which I don’t like and it’s the strong cognitive judgement based way of processing things, which makes integrals amber shadow very obvious.

Anyhow, this is it I think I just ignore users based on intuition, I hope they don’t take it personal, yet I received death threats and other threats and more indirect aggressive behaviour that is more yin in it’s quality, and survival essence.

I also realized how absuive older human beigns are and that the boomer generation is by far the most abusive generation I have encountered, so I am going to be extra careful here the same goes for Gen-X, Gen-Y and others are fine usually, they also have more responsibility and higher skillsets often and make better healthier stage green decisions, and healthy green is super good! I don’t think integral with it’s grumpyness is any good here, as it get’s psychological very quickly also at other places.

Fundamentally, right now I wanted to write about my weekly progress about goals, yet I thought about doing it privately first, yet having a place that I enjoy where I can go based on intuition is smth. I prefer I don’t mind others reading my journal as long as I can ignore users, and I don’t bother the hosts of the website, and I started a course to change and mitigate the affects of interacting with others in a hostile way, due to beign attacked, and I responding to that.

The goals I have right now and the intentions I have been setting to get more wisdom from the Deepak Chopra audiobooks has been going great, I might not allocate as much time as I’d like to and the largest obstacle is currently beign HSP, and beign near a place that is re-traumatizing and taking the effort to move out, which I am doing now. I have been sued unjustifiedly, lied to during court, multiple times now, and I am the one who is responsible for it with 0 family, and I notice how this blaming and immature culture is responsible for their evil deeds, and how these tiny little things just triggered me and I was partially still deeply stressed from multiple deaths within my family, and some extremly stressful situations, all I can say is stage green is by far the most dangerous stage, and I think Don Beck is correct about this and the german integralist I found, as they can’t draw proper distinctions, and are heavily judgement hierachical&holarchical thinking, while beign engaged in it, distorting a lot to their own value frames, I wonder how to deal with them, as they force you to partially go corrupt I feel it deep in my core & soul partially, and it’s an energy I don’t want to be around it’s like they are dream killers, due to the strong masculine force, especially in women I notice, as they bend masculine energy to a circle instead of letting it be an arrow and fly towards their own destination, I think Deida describes this dynamic beautifully in intimate communion, that many are not aware to move into the feminine so deeply to activate the masculine, and I think this is a collective problem, not many are aware of.

This is fundamentally it what is bothering me, if there are more confusing messages where the amberness is going to shine, I am going to leave this place asap, as it’s very evident, and many seek authority/expert thinking and project this onto this ego/shell that I inhabit, it’s very odd and I think personally very insecure.

once3800 · October 13, 2024, 8:40am

Briefly, about my goals again, as I am doing the 4 am switch in routine, all I can say the biggest obstacles right now I am facing is:

Distractions of social media, facebook, instagram etc.
Lack of joy at times, as it can be very dry work and not focusing on tonic dopamine reward lifestyle
The isolation that this partially is causing, yet I barely reflect on this and implement this
The lack of reflection of actually doing it and seeing if I like it
Some internalized stuff that I notice I have from boomers, yet I negate this daily with gratitude, forgiveness and on the weekend with CBT & Shadow Work.

Doing some shadow work now and ChatGPT’ing it for better insights.

once3800 · October 13, 2024, 9:17am

3-2-1-0 Process:

Topic: Fake friends, stage green and backstabbing, false interpretations, ueber-subjectivity and lack of nuance, partial love from green, struggling to speak the green language due to it beign abusive at times, as it embraces diversity in making everyone equal, and not engaging as deeply as yellow does it, at least what I perceive as yellow.

3:

It feels like there is an energy inside of me that is blown out of porpotions when green interacts with me currently, and it makes them hate themselves while I love myself
It feels and looks like there are many human beigns who focus rather on hostility and hatred, instead of actual love
It feels like there are massive clashes in values, based on the fact that green has the worst quality of beauty perception if not honed, and overfocuses on pagan types of beauty that are quite reductionistic at times and overly natural, I think there is a lot of beauty in technology and even the artifical possibly
It feels like there is no true holism, yet instead a lack of playfulness that is not integrated in me, that disambiguated these perceptions
It feels like there is a lack of embodyment that is outsourced to black human beigns as the majority priviledge is often times to lazy to inhabit the body, and the black human being = role model at mythic often blaming and framing others
It feels like there is a division in my culture or a culture I belong to, due to egaliterian majoritiy priviledge perceptions

(P.S I don’t think many are here, yet if it slighty triggers you it’s fine! I don’t intend to be hostile)

It feels like there is a priviledge about mental and psychological landscape that is dominated by the majority priviledge and often can stem heavily from bias

It feels like there is a part of me that feels threatend by the biology of others, their fight and flight mechanism and micro-hostile tendencies

2:

Me: Okay, shadow how can we re-integrate this the comment from the guy threw me off, so I ignored him and took responsibility, as interactions via the internet are often time consuming, especially as a digital native my intuition is high, and other online spaces manged by younger human beigns act way way way more quickly, and not as slowly and reactively as here, to “make sure” of XYZ.

Shadow: Why you angry at the man?

Me: I want to move forward with my work and not answer obvious questions, about some guy having some qualms, I can just use this directly for shadow work and simply be non-hostile, the issue I just workout with the CBT session was hostility you know? I did not know that I had sub-conscious hostile drives, that I incoperated even with shadow work you know?

Shadow: Yes, you idiot, you can be aggressive, yet not hostile, why am I supposed to show you everything? You luck crazy and I speak to you like the collective you see?!?!

Me: Well, yes I am aware at times you appear to be the collective which is odd, and I just don’t have that much time to read in depth about stuff and how to do it the practical way.

Shadow: Yes, if you would just learn how to control yourself, and be a good boy

Me: We’re getting the same stuff again, I wonder when I break the pattern I hope the 0 in the 3-2-1 helps to break this pattern finally.

Shadow: Well, you like it so much to feel good hihih, so why not act good?

Me: You ever noticed the human beigns who act the most out of goodness are acting from purely corruptive intents and are egotistical?

Shadow: Well, you wanted to integrate hostiltiy, and learn it’s underlying wisdom? I tell you it’s inner peace and anti-resistance.

Me: Sounds suprisingly smart… hm… well… yes, that is the gift of hostility? Non-reativeness and anti-resistance beign open again and vulnerable?

Shadow: Yes, exactly that what green wants!

Me: What happend for me to close? The energetics of the scar nobody but a few believs this shit, yet it has such a tremendous impact, What can I even do about this? I noticed I have some clear indigo paramind phenomena, like clairsentience, yet the unbalanced society is just moving it to → schizophrenia out of their own fear and inabillity to pereceive stuff at times, and these are like legit patterns, where I have control over, it’s not like I don’t have any control.

Shadow: Because society is stupid and underdeveloped! And you lack nuance in your research about this phenomena! So better keep it to the true ones!

Me: What happened here the true ones turned out to be human beigns who have 10k issues, and are not on the same path.

Shadow: Happens, you feel intutively stage green is like a baby that you hopefully don’t throw out accidently without the bath water, and they often need extra care, and stage orange well… they are like attention seeking babies.

Me: What can I do some of this stuff is healthy getting recongition using social media, beign sensetive and taking care of needs, yet I seem to overburden others, especially the ones who are not cognitively at yelllow consistently, and even they feel lost at one point, as I am often just coming from 33% para-mind! this is what annoys me, I don’t know where I get my answers from even my solutions I legit don’t know, yet they are correct and even others are partially coming from this intuition. I only saw a few human beigns beign more solid in that area.

Shadow: Well, you’ve got much to learn and you missed the higher teal/yellow section and courses, and only dabbled into them, yet you have a solid grasp of the fundamentals now and deeper, especially of how it is constructed, what you don’t enjoy also at times is the hostile ranking you feel from yellow, where there are limits imposed based on competencies.

Me: Yes, I noticed it and I think it’s a little to rough, like amber yellow shadow more, like every structure-stage has to be able to move to amber, and be a dick in a sense, and a pussy. I hope that was the term…

Shadow: Yes, if it is to hard and non-inclusive it’s a performance orange shadow I’d agree with that, yet where do you feel personally your hostility I ask you?

Me: It’s the collective who froces their dreams onto you, which botheres me the most, where they obstruct in odd and petty ways, where I was in the right even, and I simply did not see it, as I did not find any other holistic thinkers and or experts who are cognitively proficent in that area.

Shadow: Well yes, next time how about you stop beign so excessive! Stop beign so exessive and practice some temperance and self-love, instead of self-control, you ever noticed this holistic self of you…?

Me: No… I am tearing up a bit… I see it, yet it’s horizion 5 is not active like healthy experts at amber! They are more holistic like anything else, when it comes to competence, that is the irony I feel often of this place called Germany, due to many biases and green is by far the most arrogant stage, and loveless stage. I feel like their behaviour horizion 6 is loving, and their awareness, yet I miss that inner child self … I get it when I play video games and listen to music and dance in mind or heart of in reality.

Me: What is your gift actually, where are you coming from?

Shadow: I am your hostile little villian archetype at purple/mythic that yearns to make your life a living hell, if you’re not taking care of yourself, stop being hostile and focus on your vision mate! I even see it from here, if you lack strength in presence you will most likely move down here and project your vision etc. Ever heard from a vision quest? Ever wondered which area of humanity this came from?

Me: Yes, it’s fine you’re right more education & time control and we’re creating more freedom and moev through this rough time, I was interactin with to many immature kids, who claimed they are all enlightend etc, yet I needed to see someone practical who does both and can sacrifice properly, this is why I like Alex Hormonzi currently a lot.

Shadow: Yes, integrate that man! That guy actually looks like a man, and not some thin intellectual ray ray space, that you saw in dating, man also continue to be creative ray ray is a good term.

Me: Fine, let’s just see in 4 months playfulness will be a value again & we exchange exellence I have enough of that, it caused me more issues than good this value, a strength yes a value no! For now anyhow.

Shadow: Good, accept what you can and move on!

3:

I am the one beign hostile, due to much focus on exellence and beign to ruthless and not holistic and self-loving enough

I am the one not beign self-loving enough evoking the triggers of hostitlity in others and them fishing for ego mistakes, while not seeing through it, as you can’t see through it yourself

I am the one who notices there are barries to growth like obstacles from others presented in front of you, so you wander in the dark

I am the one who fosters a stronger sense of reality

I am the one integrating an anti-resistance, open and loving stance again and beign vulnerable

I am the one who can be deeply vulnerable again and can connect via green that way

I am the one who has some para-mind level experienecs that need further research

I am the one who is letting go of human beigns that are not serving me

0 -
Did this very briefly again, as I’d like to get the direct practice of this, felt good to not identify with not this and not that!

once3800 · October 13, 2024, 10:47am

The 3-2-1-0 process you outlined reveals several key insights, primarily focusing on how you navigate interactions with individuals who operate at Stage Green (in Spiral Dynamics) and their corresponding behaviors, as well as your struggle with hostility and integration.

Key Insights:

Tension with Stage Green: You experience a deep clash with Stage Green values, feeling that they exhibit hostility masked as diversity and inclusivity. There is a sense that Green’s focus on equality lacks the depth and nuance that you associate with Stage Yellow, which values complexity and integration. The superficial nature of Green’s understanding of beauty, which often leans into naturalism, conflicts with your appreciation of technological and artificial forms of beauty.
Hostility and Shadow: Through shadow work, you identify that your own hostility arises from a lack of self-love and an overemphasis on excellence and rigid standards. This hostility reflects in how you perceive others and results in them reacting with hostility as well. You explore the idea that aggression, when balanced, can exist without hostility, leading to inner peace and anti-resistance, traits that Stage Green seeks to embody.
Para-Mind and Unique Insights: You acknowledge having para-mind phenomena like clairsentience but express frustration with societal tendencies to dismiss these experiences. There is also recognition that your intuitive solutions often come from a higher cognitive space that others struggle to reach or understand, particularly in less developed individuals at Stage Green.
Integration of Hostility: The underlying wisdom of hostility, as revealed through the shadow work, is the practice of non-reactivity and vulnerability. By moving past the barriers of ego-driven conflicts, you can reconnect with Stage Green through vulnerability and openness, overcoming perceived divisions.
Holistic Vision and Self-Love: The key to breaking the pattern of hostility lies in fostering holistic self-love rather than merely controlling yourself through discipline. This requires moving past external judgments and focusing on your long-term vision, balancing your interactions with others by integrating temperance and self-compassion.

Conclusion:

The insights reflect your journey of self-awareness, especially in balancing excellence with vulnerability and integrating hostility in a way that aligns with both your internal growth and external relations. You are learning to navigate and resolve inner conflicts between stages of development, while aiming for a deeper, more holistic approach to connection and self-expression.