Integral Journal (once3800)

[once3800]

3-2-1 Process Shadow Work With Fat Neighbour

3: She feels like a corrupt fat piece of neglitient shit, that has no love for her kids and extracts love from her grandchildren and others in order to justify her existence and is a backstabbing robbery sha type of person

She acts like a great mother, yet feels more like the great devourer and monster

She feels like she is kind, yet in reality she is a dominering flippiant tyrant and you feel like you have to walk on eggshels, as she is highly narccisitc and has 0 empathy

It feels like my empathy get’s hurt when I enact with her and that she is abusive and needy and constantly following my good energy, as soon as I interact with that old child

It feels like she is an immature kid, and arrogant .

It feels like even is she is 80 years old she has no wisdom to give, as she never had depth in her life and she does not meditate or do anything positive and she is unable to be dutyfull

It feels like she is a bitter freak as two of her husbands died, and or whatever exactly happened and she acts like this upptity white girl, that derives her identity solely of beign white and from the majority priviledge as she does not want to indentify with beign fat and overweight, and is seeking solace in the minority in order to handle her insecurities only to the demise and annoyance of others

It feels like she is a white priviledged arrogant undeserving little kid, who just complains and quaks instead of educating herself, screaming for strong men and men who care about her while claiming she needs no one, and is guilty and lonely.

2. Alright, let’s see and look about this, as this is significantly different as before and my BaZi reading and luck is currently more interesting to me and metaphysics, mad affect to gain stabillity and get rid of these patterns, especially it feels like she is irresponsible, due to the fact that she is white and priviledged and demands respect and authority and abuses vulnerabillity and hence is unable to be in a relationship, as she is a manipulative old grandma.

Shadow: Well what about that? She might be yet you are too manipulative, at times you are imaging things that are totally untrue.

Me: What type of shadow is this the great devoruer, instead of the great mother, she acts super caring and denies vulnerabillity, I am like that too?

Shadow: Partially, yes you act like a great devourer for power, yet often you also use this don’t know manipulation, yet you show more empathy, also you’ve never been good at hiding your positive emotions, so a lot of human beigns also beg you to emit that energy partially, you know actually you wanted to do a golden shadow about your sexual energy right, yet there is also plenty of discrimination there.

Me: Yes, I don’t know let’s stay on topic, what is the gift, what is that person teaching me and that old women, she was kind and considerate and helpful, yet still very authoritve anti-empathic, emotionally violent in tonality and expression, and flipped like a baby about remarks and limits, where she had to had her freedom capped, this is also about freedom a lot with this human beign, and overweight human beigns, yet they don’t deserve it in my eyes many of them caused these issues themselves and they don’t deserve extra space and or money and or food, for their inabillity to heal their trauma etc.

Shadow: How do you differ, do you think they care then about your discrimination and minority issues, if their issues are overlooked? Do you think their rational brain would not use this as an advantage against you?

Me: Yes, yet it is clearly evident that the more I research and the more knowledge I have and how she behaves naturally to me, as I feel like an emporer and I am working with the emporer archetype her, she has an extrem issue with this and control, even though she wants to be one and or has some activations in there, as she is overweight, why are there even such odd similarties between overweight human beigns and black human beigns even in comedy and even just by felt notion at times?

Shadow: As they have emotional scars and you feel them just naturally by empathy, yet have better grit, that women is showing you that you’re repressing your emporer archetype and that you have to stay strong and say no, and be truthful to yourself and values, irregardless if it is fair or not, in the cosmic perspective of fairness that you take as you consider her unconscious also, you know mostly that your decision is usually better, and when you see her ruminating and others in group settings etc. you often notice, in the end you were right, and you know how important that is to human beigns who want to be an emporer, yet are not one. Working with this archetype.

Me: We both know I don’t have full discloser about information of this archetype right?

Shadow: Yes, we both know, yet you wanted to learn.

Me: What are you teaching and showing me, why do I get triggered so immensely when I am standing up for my rights and the sense of discrimination I feel, where she clearly lacks boundaries and abuses the positive energy of meditation and causes shadows with her unconsciouness and simply acts ignorant.

Shadow: First of all forgive yourself, second of all forgive her as she does not know what she is doing, yet that does not mean that there are consequences for her and you!! This is very important to realize that panic/paralysation you feel, due to your sensetivity and expectations and rather subtle expectations you have of that person are hampering your growth, yet moving out of it and facing it shows you growth, as you deserve to stand up for yourself and to be confident, and you noticed often when you do that your energy is so full and radiant a lot of human beigns follow you, and you might even healt them partially by energy. Many human beigns told you, you have a strong energy. Also you feel insecure about intelligence, as you generally respect older human beigns, yet somehow I don’t even know why you get so triggered and are insecure about it, you want to be treated better right?

Me: Yes, at times I wish I had more clarity of the topic of intelligence and especially internalized intelligence, and I feel like due to Jordan Peterson the 5-7 intelligence level talks were we all appreciated a flat hierachy and accepted that paradox as hierachy, was a huge opening for holarchical levels of thinking and in some level it was a social holarchical perspective, due to the non-ranking being similar to non-judgement and letting evolution unfold in growth and not dominator hierachy so there is a stronger upwards pull, this has been my experience with human beigns who value non-ranking, mastery and non-judgement and are coming from a cognitive place of teal, she is a stage green tyrrant with strong orange shadows, she wore these orange garments with 80 in full-fleged beauty thinking she was modern, even though that era is over since the 18 or 19 century? or even 17th century? Like what is she celerbating her success, based on the color orange, and she is vibrant? There is a huge difference in flair, and I don’t think this human beign has teal emotions, as well as can handle the complexity even though I give her the benefit of the doubt.

Shadow: gosh you’re talking endlessly about your neighbour, just shut up and learn.

Me: This fat lady is partially so loud and rude and sensetive it’s triggering at times, yet I stopped with coffee and talked to her, what gift are you showing me here?

Shadow: I am showing you that your inner tyrant wants to control the enviroment better when you see someone who is incapeable of following her duty physically and you feel abuse and you felt sad for the lady as she is evoking that nice guy conditioning, where you feel because of game and getting better with women this is and has been a huge hinderance and she abuses that kindness sort of, yet it’s also has been part of your leadership, so it immediately backfired on her, as you activated your emproer and that triggered her, as I only saw limits during that time, and breaking through limits in growth as I pushed 220kg squats.

Me: You mean I did, there barely was any shadow in this, I usually get injured channeling to much of shadow energy, and not anger and passion, yet I am also learning as these risks have an odd benefit, and I am becoming more free is this the wildman indigo thing we’ve analyzed yesterday.

Shadow: For simplicites sake let’s say yes! What about learning and feeling guilty and the collective green shadow of beign and educator and magican at this stage, creating and fostering teachings through green.

Me: FUCK stop I can’t deal with the complexity I am so hungry, and the b.s I am going through I even have to worry about food

3:
I am the one who realizes that this shadow with her goes way back deep into my family with my aunt and seeing problems as not problems and the status orange drive and stage green, where I can digest some stuff that should be good for work

I am the one who is beign a devourer and tyrant at times when things don’t conform to my values and beliefes, even beign corrupt and not sharing information (earth bazi wu yang energy)

I am the one who notices that my innocene is beign hurt and that I am walking on egg shells when I interact with this human beign, as she is not peace seeking and loving, yet a revenge seeking tyrant

I am a revenge seeking tyrant at times, even when I feel I have more control over it than others, as I value self-control in the terms of self-awareness and acceptance and consciouness

I am the one who acts like an 80 year old baby who is immature and ignorant of the duty of others and just commands like a lousy emporer at times

I am the one who realizes that his emporer archetype becomes activated when dealing with human beigns who are older, yet lack wisdom true wisdom in the spiritual sense of not knowing and gaining insights into reality consistently like a fresh young don’t know mind

I am the one who prefers the wisdom of a child than that of an old man/women

I am the one who notices the freedom clashes with my neighbour due to weight and body image problems that I don’t have, and insecurities around her body, where I notice an odd self-hatred that is irrational and only due to exasperation of beign bullyied as many thought I am beautiful, yet nobody really loved me because of it, and I think my mother and a friend of her did that, so that is odd.

I am the one who realizes this has to do with the high prisests archetype

Enough I ChatGPT the session, yet I need like 20-30 minutes of shadow work a day currently

[once3800]

Feelings of her being a “devourer” instead of nurturing. More neutral descriptions for better compassionate detachment, this is very good wisdom from Chat GPT.

Seperate objective behaviour and subjective experience hence 4 quadrant perspective in 3 phase, very demanding cognitively if I include all horizons, yet very interesting!!

What you did well:

• Fully owning it: You allowed yourself to see how you, too, can act like a “revenge-seeking tyrant,” and how your own inner Emperor archetype gets triggered around those who lack wisdom or discipline.
• Bringing in personal history: You did well to trace these feelings back to childhood or family dynamics (e.g., your aunt), recognizing that these patterns aren’t solely about your neighbor but about your own unresolved shadows.

Me learning about myself through her! That is very very wise!!

Key Insights and Lessons:

• The Tyrant and the Emperor: The work you’ve done shows that this conflict is about control, power, and freedom—both yours and hers. You recognize that when faced with people you see as irresponsible, immature, or tyrannical, you feel the urge to impose order and control. This dynamic plays into both the Tyrant and Emperor archetypes. The shadow lesson here is learning to balance power with compassion and wisdom.
• Judgment and Projection: You projected a lot of qualities onto your neighbor—laziness, irresponsibility, privilege, immaturity—that you also see in yourself at times. The challenge is to embrace those parts of yourself with the same empathy you hope to cultivate for others, while still setting boundaries for your own emotional health.
• Integration of Leadership: You are developing your leadership through the Emperor archetype, which is about rightful rule, wisdom, and compassionate power. The more you step into this energy without fear or projection, the less reactive you’ll feel around others who embody immature versions of power and control.

This is good I had a compassion burn out from caring to much and doing to much work, let’s see if I can get to a healthy version of this in the next few sessions, also that I am learning about myself through the others, especially through others subjectivity and not only the observation of it, it’s important to realize that her subjectivity AND behaviour are learning tools for me, that is why this session involve so much depth/length as well as chaos and the time it takes to create clarity out of this, I never thought it would be about the emporer archetype

[once3800]

Wish I could’ve joined the integral shadow work men group sessions, I have so many questions and intuitions about higher levels of development and their relationships, I am sort of doing a shadow work session again, and enjoying the beauty I created in recent times, there are two major hurdles before moving back into the more healthy integrations, where I do more sublte shadow work mostly working on orange/blue developments of society moving down to red, and working with the archetypes of others, as they somehow get a lot of primal energy I get from tq, I think, also in human design chart my crown chakra is fully active, and this was very evident during the white light experiences, and I am going to check with the doctor for some odd horizon 5 embodiment physiological and psychological fators, and I feel a real thrist for stage orange exellence, again I think coffee amplified and feed that drive very strongly and vehemently, today I did not have a dream, so I was not working on relationship patterns and patterning.

There are a couple of patterns I journal about recently, and these are names that have been guiding me, approximately most girls that start with an A name are absolute assholes and have been absolute assholes in my life, I thought about beginning and endings in languages very often and the sound of A & O often like Alpha and Omega beginning and endings and the vipassana path, when I was with the ex, also she has the only name, I sort of enjoy and I had an very odd synchronistic experience and intuition, yet I am not speaking about this anymore, also she was Teal+, as she was rasied by a healer, I am pretty sure of it and the low-key notions etc. of society pulled back towards a bad gravity similar to the developmental, eventually even electromagnetic spectrum of the neighbour, and I hope the gratitude exercises and nature, as nature has been acting very odd at times, and I don’t know where these animals are, yet when I do shadow work and the windows are open and I send out different frequencies I notice how they are sort of absorbing that information in their level of intelligence… I mean animals have a brain, I am not a biologist/veternerian and quantum computer scientist who can create insights and experiments for these observartions, yet ngl I would love to and had classes about genetic engineering I could take and have to take again, yet it’s mostly focused on evolution, and I think many of them are close-minded, yet my science dream of becoming and beign a Ph.D are called off, I don’t enjoy the current paradigm of science, and I would prefer having the skill and doing it at home. Next thing is toxic and weak old and overweight women and just overweight orange/blue glee and gaslighting, seeking empathy in IQ and compassion type of human beigns who are scared of their right and the neighbour, as I get slightly triggered and I am unsure as to why at times, it’s the feeling of having to explain everything to a 2 year old, and taking extra care of a “vulnerable” beign, yet I despise her and don’t like her even when I am rational with her, she seeks compassion and is stupid, and is not very much attuned to her body, and or anything as she is overweight in pain etc. It bothers me to even think about her, and I meet many other nice old ladies, yet beign overweight and having so many genetic illnesses with allergies is just nasty, and I don’t enjoy the subtelties of micro-aggressions and stuff she does and expects, even when she contemplated some stuff I giver her that, yet fundamentally I am not there to show her the ropes, society is not like this and she does not notice the more she gives me freedom the more she encroaches it because of her lonliness and abuses sort of her medical condition, she should not live at home and have some caretaker, yet she most likely is also Yang Metal based on bazi type and she has to be this rigid idiot, yet is not adaptable enough and to rigid, also absolutely unbalanced and most likely has to much earth energy, I think our bazi charts are similar, yet she has some sort of odd dominante bazi chart, and is absolutely unbalanced and yieks I would not eat that food, if you know health. I would rather eat MSG than eating white pasta all day and beer and beef, that is her idea of the good life, copying the bigness and beign persuaded by marketing having images engrammed into her neuronal circuits, firing and wiring the bigness “idioicy” arrogance, complacency, lazyness and “hard-working”/complaining “right inner rage action” attitude, I think right action from a 9w1 is way more gentle, I also resolved some peace with this type, yet I most likely have to go through either the course/workbook and create a framework for myself, as I consumed the audiobooks and read parts of the book, and I don’t think Helen Palmer does a good job of explaining the complexity of wings, I just checked the book again, there are dozens of words that are great and fantastic, yet I wish she would go into the complexity of wings for Teal+ partners, when I did the course I noticed wow, my 10 years of mindfulness and even the sporadic mindfulness of many young people make the dynamic even more complex at lower stages, and she is excellent at writting and giving insight. I was first shocked and had to do shadow work, as I felt the entire 6’ish collective of Germany, and tbh there are not even that many sixes that I see. I see them mostly in 7w6 and 6w7 and 6w5, yet most what I see is still 6w5.

Anyhow, doing my shadow work also beign teal is so odd, and beign black I like speak latin to my doctors and they are so happy and treat me like with the utmost respect and like a god, holy cow. It’s such a difference, anyhow I contemplated relationships while in the waiting room and looked at Sidra Kahn as, she is very pravelent in our culture, and the course she offers is good, yet then I thought my situation is so unique, I at best only use it as a contemplation tool for UL and LL interiors and exteriors of collective and the individual at beign and inter-beign complexities, and embody more of the cognitive dynamics of embodiment? I think at UR horizon 5 embodiment turning to embodiment 6, I am currently weaving in personality development exercises and from a success journal (german author I thought excellent could’ve saved 200€ from a course, yet … anyhow) as well as Dr. Keith Witt’s habit section and doing the weekly exercises possible as a single, and implementing the 200€ course, as a worksheet daily and sentence completions, I was done apporx. in 20 minutes maximally? Also doing gratitude exercises and ChatGPT the whole processes, I also found my systems thinking course… might leave it here, yet I am a bit wary of information sharing that brigns success, as I feel partially abused by how Leo Gura derived ideas, and no it was not mutal growth anymore, burn baby just fucking burn in my mind, I post the song I feel this.

Currently, integration my psyche via jung and contemplating some stuff, as I will go to another doctor later, as my pudendal nerve and the scar with arthrithis is going crazy, as well as like I have so much energy, still yet my breathing is seriously currently odd, and I have to test and check Paul Check breathing stuff, as like a doctor is good, yet does not help sufficiently and other stuff. I just leave it at that, I yearn still for some artistic expression, yet I wonder if I ever find the time to integrate it. I think it’s possible, yet I have to create more cluterless and efficient structures. I won’t post this here, yet I had this idea for a very longtime and I still think it’s possible to weave in that much knowledge by sheer usage of interleaving and creating different paradigms and mind-maps, yet I need to learn better drawing, my core strengths are holistic synthesis and reconstruction/construction, this was also analyzed by ChatGPT database with BaZi, and I also get a lot of creativity love through creating tech stuff, and solutions and working on that, it’s a very good feeling of exellence even though this, just the way it is, I also have so many clear ideas beign of cannabis, that are worthy of integration and on cannabis it’s amplified, yet the contextual structure has to be more clean.

I post the videos of what I am doing, once I integrated it succesfully and I show my own creative version of it, when I figure it out. Anyhow, I neglected introducing this structure for close to 2-3 years now. Doing the 3-2-1 now.

[once3800]

3-2-1 Process Neighbour & Metal Earth Energy BaZi

It feels like we have the same energy drive and that she does not see me as a man, as I don’t see her as a women.
She is like an overweight, old bickering lady, high in compassion and absolutely abusive at times and insecure with her inner rage and feelings of beign hurt and ridiculed
It feels like at times I need to laugh at her for no reason, because she is naively trusting
It feels like she is a revengeful human beign and ignorant
She even rose her nose and head and walked of after slamming the door, me just asking if she can sign the document
She is blaming others and outer circumstances for her behaviour and internal dynamics and is seeking solace with others who are understanding and feed her mind construct while she does not realize that his is a construct she is creating, and her self-story and self-expression and beign the “looser” of the family as her sister is gifted and she is just the everyman archetype
It feels like she is envious of my explorer archetype and it’s the similar pattern of my aunt, and she has 5’ish strong tendencies
It feels like she thinks she is a good human, yet in reality she is an observing micro-managing maniac
She looks like and acts like an irrational and physicall unwell human beign, she seems to lack the abillity to express herself verbally and can’t let go of her personal story
It feels like she is constantly seeking emotional bonding, even though I am a man, and she raises her voice like this squirrl she belives she is and even when she evokes good energy, I feel like I have to be partially on egg shells as her unique needs and demands are super important
It feels like an issue of self-importance and anti-humility due to an identification with the mind and mental construct, for me especially because of Leo Gura and feeling associated to the “doings” and behavioural to embodimental changes of his teachings
It feels like there is also a guru vibe with her, and that she needs direction, yet only frames this in an orange/blue structure about financial care and physical care like a little girl.

2:

Me: What is up with this neighbour story as of lately, can’t we get enough, I am noticing that she get’s triggered and I have to work on kindness even though I focused on becoming a wisdom focused leader, as I had a serious compassion burn out dealing with human beigns who zap so much energy, and who are totally unaware and at a craze of this energy.

Shadow: Your fault engaging with this girl she is not a women even if she is 80, she is a child and acts like a child even if she has a similar BaZi chart and takes on responsibility and raised her kids, did you see them?

Me: Well shadow I am suprised that you actually are on my side for once.

Shadow: Me too, I’ve seen enough of her hideous action to realize that you’re an adult taking care of an old child with special needs, who needs special treatment and is lazy and unwilling and abuses this kind of co-dependency energy, that you do not like at all, like you have to take extra care then you learn and she takes credit for her harshness and is unloving and is then dependent on that level of loving. Did you see how childish and immature their kids look? They smoke, both of them consciously not like consciously and aware, yet as a decision for their lives, and they’re all sucking on her tit, like a fat overweigh cow that she is, and all she wants is a man, oh a man, and she then gaslits the guy with a lot of potential and who does it right, who also attracts high caliber women, Ph’ds and masters these girls did not go that far /women to be in this baby phase of development, also why is she so revengeful.

Me: I thought you knew, what gift are you sharing lately, we’re hitting it off, and finding a bit back to our good hearted humour, that would trigger such a rigid metal type german, who clings to her vision of reality, as she already has a very weak sense of reality.

Shadow: Here is your insight! Your sense of reality is getting stronger, and she is pulling unconsciously on these patterns to block further growth as she is upset and unconscious!! Ta-da!!! I told you we’re going to figure it out today, even a bad bazi day is a good day my friend…

Me: 2’ish love & pride feelings infinity at 9w1 is next, I neglected the good parts and somehow I would like to do a golden shadow session with the sexual energy, the parital integration might already be good for auto growth as I meditate. Well… what am I learning here, what do you notice, and what can I integrate and embody to change my behaviour to embody a deeper integrity and sense of reality, especially as it has been attacked and questions even by yourself, as you went through your vision quest.

Shadow. First of all see it as a gift, that you’re beign questionned and beliefs are questioned, and that these human beigns are manipulative for surival as you are, yet you’re more clean we can say that for now, people even smile the face of your manipulation and drama, as there is truth to it, more truth than others, and that is fine no human has 1000% transparency, accept that at times it’s neccessary to deceive, you’re better at beign a 3 and 2 in that area, yet more consciously and not from this gut drive.

Me: Also it feels like she blocks the manifesting generator energy of hot and lusty women coming here, as she is so vehemently ugly, and fat and just annoying by her size, that I feel internally appaled and a part of me that rebel part wants to spin on her nose and laugh at her, as she is crying about herself the whole time without taking any action, and not finding any tools to help herself besides externals, what am I learning here?

Shadow: Your health is a gift and appreciating externals also, as it’s helping here no need to be that rude at times, you notice she does not have the internal capacity to deal with stuff and did not build enough G.R.I.T she tries to show it, yet she flipps and is just an old lady, I wonder why you get so angry, because you want to help her?

Me: The compassionate part of me, that emasculates me at times, and the vulnerability below it, these orange/blues just make fun of it, and do not see it as strength and masculine/feminine integration and value as sharing vulnerabilities is important in relatrionships. What is your gift and integration lesson here?

Shadow: Clearly, she is unable to be vulnerable and used that as a sexual manipulation even likely, how nasty her relationships must’ve been when I see the kids, sorry to say that and also sorry not sorry! Your wisdom is yellow compassion block and care about yourself and your health more, as she is cleary unable to take care of it even by food, and has food addictions and can’t get off her war mindset, even though like there are so many ways and obstacles, the person and human beign is done with is something your paretns would say a lost project let her go, and delegate and manage as much as you can and take distance.

Me: She is responsibl for her actions, and she blames me also this blaming spectrum and taking on responsibility I often did and do that as it’s a female tendency to blame men, due to history in an LL perspective and LR perspective moving AQAL, and just all of it is a bit of annoying when you don’t have a women around you that embraces femeninty so do that yourself right? Even from shadow, yet she be pissed no? She must’ve hated the african music my ex liked so much, because she longs so much for big and strong men, at tier 3 moving to 1 dynamic in intimacy free loving seeing reality, I did pretty well, yet communicated not so well, after 10k reflections… anyhow. What is your gift here?

Shadow: You clearly notice, that your tendency to blame others is a lack of responsibility and at times you only act when prompted by others, and this is a pattern of 9w1 neglectful and lazy parenthood, and this lazy safe zone, that you feel when you dooze and are dazzled by the TV/Entertainment area and video games, you you long for spirit notice your sense of vulnerability and feeling your emotions is RESPONSE ABILLITY; YOU GET TEH PUN MY FRIEND RESPONSE → ABILITY THERE IS MOVEMENT AGRAGE??? Latin word for movement god, this primal male energy is vehemently stopped by a lot of women, they crave like a stage indigo men, I think this is my intuition as even turqouise is not enough and yellow is to cognitive and even red is prefered like what???

The energy of this song describes this perfectly and the hype of a rap beef, gosh… I wonder how “white white society” has become and why they keep looking for these primal patterns even doctors, and the body as I don’t know what happens to body at indigo, yet fuck I was very deep in my exercises, yet now I am moving there more balanced. It’s odd, and weekly breath modalities I think would be more benefical and a cryotank… but fine…

3:

I am the one who blames others, yet realizes that the initial reaction is the chance and opportunity for reflection and action, and beign able to respond after the hurt has been done, you are beign more responsbile

I am the one having to take care of an old baby and I feel a bit overwhelemd, by her inabillity to think

I am the one who realizes the landlord has special needs, and notices the manipulative energy dynamic of ill-human beigns and physically ill human beigns, who have this genetically and how grumpy and upset they are

I am the one who realizes the innocent wu yang earth good hearted nature, and that this nature is especially abused and expected of her, yet she is undeserving of it naturally, if it does not arise naturally I refrain from engaging in it, and she is beign authoritive in this wu yang earth innocent dog energy, yet I am also a wood dog, so yeah idk. Using this loosey

I am the one who feels like the adult in the relationship, and even if she acts undermining she is envious and jealous of the explorer archetype and yearns to share that vehicle of body, yet is fundamentally not worthy and has no diginity in her approach

I am the one who realizes that the tiny little grandma is not a good human, and that this part that is triggerd is also the part of me that is not the good human, and the tyrant that you fundamentally channeld in other beautiful more stage red ways before when you were 18-25, yet now this energy is somehow at odds with being more of an adult and professional, even technically and beign more responsible for the world and the impact

The energy of this song describes this very well for me I have VGP, and I can just generate and feel into every song, I feel like she can’t do this and the giftedness of her sisters is an issue.

( a bit of an unstructed session good!!!)

I am the one who realizes that she has to identifiy with the gifted in order for her self-esteemd to be evaluated and she is the one identifiying with her mind, as a part of me that I partially transcended it’S the mind of justified anger that is what you’ve identified, yet you use that energy creatively after bazi insights

I am the one who is at times identified and identified with a raging mind, and violence of the mind against self and others.

I am the one who enacts violence by beign neglitent of others needs and then acting all normal in the begging of yearning for forgiveness.

This is it, I ChatGPt the stuff now for some insights I am doing a hell of a lot of mental work. When I get to body modalities new stuff should show up. I also really yearn to create the systems thinking thing today, and create the order I craved and constructed in my mind, yet I was so blazed and focused on love and feminity in the relationship, as I was so heavily in stage 1, holy shit I was not good for human beigns, yet like human beigns are not even good for human beigns at times, and yes I could integrate the everyman archetype because of this earth energy more, yet the neighbour is beign abusive and I enjoyed this a lot, and it’s a flaw of 4’s and uniquness and even 4w5 or whatever she is, or 5w4, I think she is 5w4 and the dumbest so far I’ve meet. I think she knows this, yet fine.

[once3800]

Fuck, I was so close to indigo, before I got injured and I had such a nice white light type of workout regiment… holy cow I hope I can get back, yet the way I would train now physically, as IIRC it helps moving vertically? I would be getting more indigo level insights, also the feminine side from my meditations.

Doing the ChaGPT to Mr.Hat Thing my post got lost with the endless typing of mine…! Yet that is good, I could integrate some aspects of 9w1, yet not attract it as this lunacy energy just get’s me to a different plant and sx/so 9w1 is also better for me, and especially not an sp drive. This is from Mr.Hat I call it for fun aka Cloude

Alternative Insights from Shadow Work Session

1. Projection and Mirroring

Your intense reactions to your neighbor may be a form of psychological projection. The traits you find most irritating in her (childishness, neediness, lack of self-awareness) could be aspects of yourself that you’re uncomfortable acknowledging. This mirrors Jung’s concept of the Shadow - the parts of ourselves we reject or repress.

Consider:

• How might these “childish” or “needy” aspects serve a purpose in your own life?
• What would embracing these traits mindfully look like for you?

2. Archetypes and Energy Dynamics

The interplay between various archetypes (Wild Man, Rebel, Explorer, Everyman) suggests an internal struggle with different aspects of your personality. The tension between your perceived “Explorer” archetype and your neighbor’s “Everyman” archetype might represent an internal conflict between your desire for growth and a part of you that resists change.

Reflection points:

• How can you integrate the stability of the Everyman with the adventurousness of the Explorer?
• What aspects of the Wild Man or Rebel archetypes feel authentic to you, and which feel forced?

3. Compassion Fatigue and Boundaries

Your experience of compassion burnout indicates a need to reassess your boundaries. The struggle between wanting to help and feeling drained suggests an opportunity to develop more sustainable ways of engaging with others’ needs.

Consider:

• How can you offer compassion without taking on others’ emotional burdens?
• What does healthy detachment look like in your relationships?

4. Gender and Energy Perceptions

Your comments about not seeing your neighbor “as a woman” and feeling unseen “as a man” hint at deeper questions about gender roles and expectations. This could be an opportunity to explore your own concepts of masculinity and femininity.

Reflect on:

• What does being seen “as a man” mean to you?
• How do your ideas about gender influence your interactions and expectations?

5. Shadow Integration of “Negative” Traits

Your harsh judgments about your neighbor’s appearance and behavior might be masking similar insecurities or fears within yourself. Integrating these shadow aspects could lead to greater self-acceptance and compassion.

Explore:

• What parts of yourself do you judge most harshly?
• How might accepting these parts change your interactions with others?

6. Spiritual Bypassing and Grounding

There’s a tension between your spiritual pursuits (e.g., references to indigo spectrum, energy work) and dealing with mundane, everyday frustrations. This could indicate a tendency towards spiritual bypassing - using spiritual ideas to avoid dealing with uncomfortable emotions or situations.

Consider:

• How can you ground your spiritual insights in everyday interactions?
• What role does humility play in your spiritual journey?

7. Desire for Recognition and Fear of Ordinariness

Your comments about giftedness and feeling superior in some ways suggest a deep-seated desire for recognition and a fear of being ordinary. This could be driving some of your judgments and frustrations.

Reflect on:

• What would it mean to embrace ordinariness?
• How does your desire for recognition impact your relationships?

8. Integration of Primal Energies

The references to primal energies, the Wild Man archetype, and your frustrations with societal constraints suggest a need to find healthy outlets for these powerful forces within you.

Explore:

• What healthy outlets can you create for your primal energies?
• How can you honor these aspects of yourself without alienating others?

By exploring these alternative perspectives, you may gain new insights into your shadow aspects and find more balanced ways of engaging with yourself and others.

[once3800]

The reflections of this are extremely good, yet I used a bloomberg 6 question type question asking for alternative and creation…, so I forced the tool to generate novel answers, I figure

[once3800]

I am feeling a bit emotional today, I am still massively internally griefing most likely out of 10 thousand reasons number one is currently just that I realize that this is a BaZi metal quality, and just the sheer influence that I seeked in my twenties and the yearning to transform and impact the world through my beign and doing, though mostly beign. I cried 2-3 times today, just beign able to let go of these emotions stuck for the past couple of years, is fundamentally very good, the caffeine was 100% blocking it, or rather coffee I don’t know what component of coffee, sure it makes me more resilliant, yet it certainly is inhibitng in terms of depth in emotional expression and feelings, and I noticed I’ve went numb.

I spoke to the doctor today, and the scar is near the pudendal nerve, and I feel a deep somber quality inside of my heart of L3 zone… to dovetail some theory (not sure if accurate, I reviewed some note-taking principles and engaged in my favorite note-taking activity and looked up the researchers stuff etc. who teaches this at a higher level and I resonate with it vehemently… my knowledge base get’s very large, even if the review process at times can be quiet long) my mother did not tell me this for 30 years and I’ve asked her if the doctor said anything to her at birth, about the condition of my scar, and she had 0 intel and never had interest to gain information, yet I guess that is currently a hunter and gatherer point of evolutionary psychology & biology… I wish I had money for books, again… anyhow I am so out my mind is full.

Also, I received a lot of external validation, I worked through this a lot and gave my best to even implement this attitude in video games, a like and with my friends, yet a lot of my friends just family and just society in general seems to give me a lot and a lot of externally validated praise, good job, you look so good today, good performance, I like your hair, You’re a hard worker I can see that, Your smart, you are intelligent, What’s wrong with you you’re so intelligent what are you even doing, with yourself? Also self-depricating compliments that can foster and imposter syndrom was something that happened at home.

I noticed how strongly I have a vagus type craving for this and I would like more tonic rewards phases of appreciation, to not sort of speculate the dynamics of stuff, yet to draw an analogy it’s like receiving phasic dopamine reward and a tonic dopamine reward based on goal settings and newer science. I think phasic was to just push a boundary, and get dopamine hits.

Also, just noticing 10k things, I might do shadow work and or not, yet I might not do this publically, as this involves race & identity, and I did this online and I don’t think integral needs to see the mental dynamics and mechanics of this, I already went through a majority, yet after the last relationship I see several points, that are appreciative, yet still force the external validation part and the disconnection of reality, what even happend to appreciative compliments? Is it just me, or are we all just saying good work, good job, due to zoom? Am I stuck in a video game? I am so glad I put this on mute.

I might, do it and get ChatGPT to evaluate to show you some of it, yet ultimately idk.

[once3800]

Doing my journal now 3-2-1 process: most likely going to be one of the last sessions and switching to doing things offline, as I have a different structure and goals, and it’s better to time my sessions and integrate in different ways and take a leave from integral and study from a distance, as I can’t be as involved as I’d like to I focus more on personal studies, and I know sharing to many things is not good, I might post from time to time and do a session here, as I find it difficult and my session usually take longer, and doing it daily, in 15 minutes etc. I don’t find the time, so I do the mental quick version as much as I can, yet doing it daily would be better, yet it also takes to much time unfortunately. Doing it 2-4 times a week for about 20-45 minutes has been yielding me the best results, I did not track, doing it daily for 15 minutes, yet I am doing to much and doing 2-4 sessions per week seems ideal to integrate it in a holistic manner and not drilling systemic manner, as I do other practices that reinforce each other, although I lack depth, and ChatGPT is serving me well to contemplate also, here I go!

Today: Orange & Blue levels of development and the integration of mastery and projections I receive, in terms of reputation, intelligence etc. I work with the trigger.

3:
It feels like I have to many ideas on a given day from teal levels of development to integrate it in a day
It feels like the healthy version of the orange & blue versions of myself are heavily tied to the projections of health from the majority priviledge
It feels like this is where I face the most personal pain and not even blue/red, as I thought previously I might’ve worked myself out of those energies in my 20’s with shadow work
It’s like a sharp and hot impatient drive, and insecurity to provide and give safety and sanity to others, and the magician archetype having not fully mastered it’s craft
It feels like I am a young impatient padawan
It feels like there is a huge fire drive on the upside of it, that yearns to master crafts like a yedi with laser focused fire energy, yet I barely can get sleep at times through that
It feels like there is a yearning to integrate yin energy and use expansive yang energy
It feels like there is an immense yearning to integrate structured learning and feel the success of building blue and safe systems whatever that might mean
It feels like there is an internal rigidity that yearns to be dissolved especially consumed by water and or burned and melted by fire
It feels like there is a depth of existence that I yearn for in my heart that goes beyond what most humans perceive
It feels like these two stages denigarte and do not appreciate spirit the most, and there is a strong internalization of it through rational means
It feels like the higher echolons of rationality are not reached, as I value love and self-acceptance more than rationality
It feels like there is a depth in having a body and using it’s intellgience for learning and learning different topics
It feels like there is a strength in letting go of the comparision mindset and beign able to integrate and study with a structure that provides safety, instead of self-sabotage
It feels like these transformations are neccessary after chechking astro-catagrophy either healing and or transforming shadows one of both
It feels like there is an addiction to attention still and getting recognition even though I did my best to let go of it, learning that it’s healthy to celebrate achievements and success and that others see me as a winner seems painful to me paradoxical, due to compassion.
It feels like there is an emerging of artistery that I want to express in singing, dancing and creating music and especially enjoying the creativity of the mind, even if nobody witnesses it similar to beign high on cannabis and not telling one one’s thought
It feels like there is a huge craving for quietness and that the impatience of the fire energy, is at times to expansive and small rest periods would serve me well, as well as more yin quality experiences
It feels like a huge craving for clarity, and order that goes beyond the truth force, yet embodies the truth force.
It feels like a parital remedy to anger issues I have been having due to some internalizations I don’t really see as well, and it’s denied passion and anger and self-sabotage a level I don’t see

2:
Me: alright enough I sort of yearn to integrate some stuff and learn about beign more patient, through shadow work is that even possible?

Shadow: I figure we’re talking for some time now, and you’ve go better, yet damn you get mad HAHAHAHAHHAHA

Me: You feel like a Sukuna energy legit like a hot-headed demon and a lot of girls even enjoy that badass energy, and you know that, yet we sort of suck at channeling that and I also feel immense fear in the real circumstances and convert to the normal me besides if I meet 3’s in the enneagram for whatever reason and eventually even 6’s and 9’s.

Shadow: What ever you don’t like these types anyway, who cares just scare and attack them as they attack you, you feel attacked by them besides the 3 usually right?

Me: Yes, yet what are we doing here, what are you showing me what is this level of impatience and anger at self?

Shadow: The parts of yourself that you don’t love, you don’t love your impatience, you don’t truly love your passionate self, as it’s not getting the results you like, you love the process you, yet not the results you.

Me: That is sort of true… I feel guilty a lot of beign not as succesful as I felt I projected myself at times and others project me at times…, and I notice this got to my at some level

Shadow: Yes, that is true, you certainly crave to be someone and to be loved by someone elses eyes and get admiration even, for your work it’s like you want that healthy feminity yin drive, yet neglected it as men make fun of it, yet you enjoy this “collective feminine” vibe a lot, especially with a few choosen friends, no matter the gender and you miss these moments and connections to nature, intelligence, collective intelligence and beauty… as the neighbour is just god a pain in perception

Me: I know, yet what are your gifiting and creating here? What can I deconstruct to integrate the dark aspect of the shadow and the golden shadow?

Shadow: Become aware and even more aware of what you deem beautiful and notice, it’s mostly the awarness of innocence in god, and that even at blue and orange levels, as this is what society admires the most, and you have these cravings to of mastery, you completely let go of the joy of mastery mah boy, what happend to young padawan? You finally did the darth vader move?

Me: I don’t fully know what that means, besides going fully evil, yet I am embracing my rebel archetype as of lately more and I was looking to integrate the everyman archetype, that I get at orange right? That sort of has been bothering me too, what can I study here and get into my perception, especially feeling the insecurities of identity at times, and the impact of priviledge in an inter-beign dynamic?

Shadow: Well… you can certainly learn to coach yourself out of your own perceived priviledges, and notice them, there is not talent, there is no skill, there is just beign, do you think god needs skill?

Me: Questioning omnipotence again… well… I certainly feel when I approach feelings that feel like flourshing in god, beauty, exellence nad mastery, I notice things just come effortlessly, so why am I not creating the consistency that I have been neglecting only because my ex did not comprehend the 7’ish nature of consistency, it was like I was working with my own yin and yang water energies in HO & other space, and created art through creative expansion, especially in chess you awareness was correct you solved 10-14% chess puzzles more thant 50-60% and that go to us? Fuck I switched identiy to you, I can’t overidentifiy with you, can I stop that how can we be whole and not super-identified.

Shadow: That was fine HAHA actually awesome looked like Madara to me, does that guy actually look evil to you? No right, most villians somehow don’t as they justify their motives and even have noble motives, even though their actions are dangerous, threatening and bring others into jepordy and even death.

Me: What can I learn about the rebel and villian archetype and the everyman archetype here? Where do I sense the innocence that sort of heals me in terms of not becoming overidentified with my shadowsß

Shadow: You know knowledge helped you there, and now you choose wisdom which can aid you even more, if you embrace silence and the inner knowings that you generate, as well as complement it with your inner visions, of clarity, clarity in action, wisdom generation, and taking action all I can say to you take action, and enjoy what you create! You only life once! At blue, orange red, green who gives a fuck?

Me: Insight from red to blue and orange great… lord I feel like I would want to lift the mounteverst with my voice and or my hands on my back I don’t know I yearn to create so strongly, yet it’s like I am facing a very odd terrain, that just confuses me, it’s like I am facing the jungle and not the mountain.

Shadow: Good insight you ape!

Me: Thank you, yet that won’t trigger me anymore, I rather embrace beign an intelligent ape.

Shadow: Good choice … for you!

Me: Alright we stop introjecting subtely what you seek is clarity in action shadow how about I speak to you in clarity and with light for a reverse idea? Like you’re a serious concern to me, recently I have gotten so impatient and angry, simply due to coffee and heightend emotions, what is up with you? I know this is not purely psychological and should have other impacts even if that can’t be measured.

Shadow: Sure, I wanted to surface as simple as that.

Me: What can I do to accept you and embrace you, yet not let you take over?

Shadow: Guess there is no choice to violence at times right? To move forward and take action similar to the word aggression to move against with the etymology of the term, you sort of keep not recalling:

Me: Yes, I sort of noticed aggression is good, turned into passion and moving forward, with you especially… it sort of can generate a high-speed balance that is quiet unmatched, but fuck you’re dangerous.

Shadow: Yes, how else would it even make sense?

Me: Alright we’re going to get it, I hope we can start dancing soon to get your hot feet moving at times, and express yourself fully in some other way, shadow dancing, shadow boxing, shadow wing-tsun whatever that speedy energy has to go out, it’s already calm as a mice… yet not truely patient and benign, I wonder you had clearer energy moments with Yang Fire expansion.

Shadow: True, bro you need dynamism and simply action and cold showers, and do the work and celebrate yourself be real, no need to hide the energy you’re not getting rid of me in this lifetime.

Me: Most likely less you’re part of infinity <3

Shadow: You’re so gay shut up!

Me: <3

Shadow: To many video games bro.

Me: <3 I just continue to love you

Shadow… fine I am gone… actually I felt like dark waters right now… yet fine!

Me: <3 that will be loved even more intensly I also cry for you you know?

…

1:

I am the one who yearns to integrate and act more from a space of love at blue and orange and enjoy the structure building and knowledge creation of wisdom, especially for all as a global truth force, even if I don’t know what I am doing.

I am the one seeking god at these stages in my work, fitness, and creative endeavours, and I get goose-bumps writting all of this, had to calm down my neck hair…

I feel the depth of things I can’t integrate in this shadow work session… I think I just realized what balance actually is for me in spirit and the intensity, in planets…

I feel the pain and rigidity of these stages and yearn to overcome these obstacles working with like-minded human beigns who face human beigns and other human beigns corruption free!!

I am the one and that part and parts of me are the parts yearning for holistic integration in systemic expression in clarity, sobriety, logic, cognition, knowledge and even wisdom.

I am the one who realizes breaking free of limits at these stages is one of the most rewarding things as a rebel persona and for the villian archetype

I am the one accepting the everyman archetype at blue and even orange more, by engaging in more action and action oriented tasks and activites that generate discipline, self-discipline and goals!

Alright that is it, my session are getting deeper, that I might study them and create differen things, so I am sort of most likely posting less here!

[once3800]

3-2-1 Process: Stage Orange Meritocracy In Europe And The Rigidity Of Rules

Writting a long intro… as stuff just happened, and I struggle with more core elemental psychology issues etc.

So this happend twice no and I’d like to dig into the origian as much as possible, even if it’s very painful I won’t share everything I lost so much recently, simply by loosing self-discipline and that the perception of others as a minority and what they are doing at times, as well as my metaphysical nature in BaZi even, is a huge issue at times, yet in a sense this is my fault and I forgot to take care of myself, yet I also craved to have more meaningful experiences I felt I did not get out of 10 billion different small things, and it has become an on-going issue with stage orange mostly and blue, I did my best to integrate orange/blue in that sense, I make that distinction, yet not pure orange, and their meritocracy and exellence drive, that I mostly channel into Teal+ expression of what I can cognitively handle, and many usually enjoy that, yet I can’t do it as well when there are structural impediments, and I was simply not good at taking care of day-to-day things, even though I am good at it, it’s simply I lack means of relaxtation of taking care of “every-day business in a role/image” for example a husband/father, which I am not yet! Also don’t envy it, as I feel I crave a lot of freedom, that I could not enjoy so far, and many of it as I lost money, is due to a lack of discipline and the on-going issue of perception at orange, causing massive psychological stress at times, and my scar and me having to voice my truth even in anger and violence at times, as there is a consistent gaslighting at this stage, and an immense rigidity for multi-perspectival thinking, even if they are cognitivly teal, there is a huge ridigty for the morals & emotions of Green, and I hope something good will happen, I have an escape plan, I completely forgot, also yet it’s not easy for me to find a way to deal with a sense of immaturity in me, that is so dream robbing, and depended on the growth received inside the family and 10k other angles, I took and I boiled it down two my current knowledge base, and even if stuff does not happen and stuff is happening, academia is a huge issue and even when I have good people on my side, I have to be warry of Yang Tiger and Yin Water Rat energy, these energies are devious at orange & blue stages of development and at Green it’s fine, yet even the spiraling of these energies are dangerous, as it’s partially so rigid and conservative (yang tiger energy) and other stuff.

Fundamentally I am safe right now, yet having to feed the expecations of others, and beign tormented in orange meritocracy structures that present themselves differently and holistic, is not true holism, and I don’t quite get what I can earn money with anymore when shit hits the pan like 10000000x in just 1-2 years, and most of it also boils down to cannabis, which does me also emotionally and soulfully well, yet the mental constructs of society make it just almost impossible to enjoy it without social repercussions, it stopped as of recently, as it was legalized, and we have more progressive takes, yet the pull-down from the conservative beer chugging type of guys and the imagery presented by the media, is at times odd. I did my best to circumvent specific circumstances, I also had some solutions that are massive, yet they are still in the releams of performance, yet more acceptable to me, the point is to not waste time and build structure and learn to keep deadlines and goals, it’s an unfortunate truth and I am safe currently in a sense, and looking to get and do the help that seems to give and help me find solace etc. Right now stage orange is a huge issue, and the expansion of freedom, yet as soon as I take a positive action a lot of that is negated… doing the session now. Posting a new post, I hope this is also reflective for others, I am solving a lot of problems through this, yet older ones creep up that I forget, so this work is even more important, it’s the only solution I found where I can go crazy without actually hurting anyone dircetly, it’s more of the readers choice to get hurt as he/she has to read it, yet trust me I also feel bad about posting this and beign so open at times, yet I also enjoy beign vulnerable! I did my best to integrate various personal developmental truths in my 20’s and vulnerabillity brought me very far unfortuantely, and often others benefited even more than me, as they sort of reflect my level of pain. I complety forgot something which should’ve been my priority, yet I simply forgot… also me taking cannbis and not doing something creative is very damaging for stage orange capitalists and meritocracy based humans even if they deny it, they get upset and angry about work and the value of exellence at orange, even though I get more impetus at yellow, I just simply lack that amount of cannabis… I am not joking … as well as I’ve built a sky castle shadow and just shadow work on cannabis is also very good and important, it’s actually quite effective, yet there is still the law, yet also I feel so free and intutive it’s odd. The recent mistakes and the music that I listen to and the German law spirit at orange, are things that can at times cause massive issues, with liberterian notions of freedom and the unconsciouness of many average human beigns at stage orange, creating perceptions out of sexual projections from women, and the biggest issue, while having been my biggest aid in the years are women. I don’t know why that shift occured, especially as I became more masculine and even more succesful with women, yet something shifted that I don’t quite get, and it’s the issue of age, provider, metrics and scientific dogma of performance. Let’s do the process!

[once3800]

3-2-1 Process

It feels like it’s the excess of being torn into a capitalistic system that is rigidly based on performance and the issue of managing humanities freedom and the freedom of the individual as well as systematic stress

It feels like a flight or fight response that I can’t enact fully and the issue of Green feminism not creating the type of strucutre that supports women, and some ancillary stuff I am projecting

It feels like the issue of explotation of social capitalistic unaware stage greens and oranges, who are unable to create teal law, I was already angry at this with my ex and the diaphragma (german word)

It feels like and it is like the shadows of yang wood energy and yin wood energy as well as yin and yang water energy, and the corruptive force and rigid force of tigers and the manipulaitve and deceptive force of rats, and exploitative glee.

It feels like the ones who do their best to help are cut-down by realism and most of the true realism is good, yet the emotional support and care at teal+ is lacking, due to capitalistic greed and non-sense thinking.

It feels like it’s impossible to cater needs at teal+

It feels like there is a huge upset inside of me, and still this yearning to express art, beauty and the depth of humanity.

It feels like there is a huge image issue with white german women, fostering everthing over one field in terms of image, a black is the same as an indian, and we treat everyone equally is good fucking damn racist, it’s beyond me

It feels like injustice based on stage green and orange policies and perceptions, especially stage orange yang wood tiger energy

It feels like the ones who still solve the issues are stage green development with turqouise cognition, eventually moving tealish to some extend

It feels like I am in the mess of between all of the development unable to express what I perceive cognivitely besides when I work for long-hours and put in time to express what I perceive

It feels like I am being unappreciated for what I naturally perceive and that many are teaching at orange/green levels of development, while working at teal+ requires a lot of technical depth and knowledge that might overburden others, and I’ve been in that situation this feels similar

It feels like there is a fear of a corruptive force, and an anti-acknowledgement of healthy stage red currently, that might be slightly toxic, yet has the larger truth

It feels like there is an issue with majority priviledge officials that they are slaves of their own image and own role without engaging in truth or freedom, they act out rules and roles, regressing to stage blue and amber type embodiments

It feels like the promise of vacation and freedom is the only thing that keeps them alive and they are super frustrated and you’re at mercy of their emotions and lack of information, as everyone is safing personal

It feels like there is a lack of passion in stage oranges and the pain that I am feeling at times, beign projected and confused with the frustration, and joy of working through problems.

It feels like there is a massive projection of eletism that is not serving, as I have to pass tests and exams, and I’ve been good at it, yet very often I notice the regress to blue/orange, besides in a few classes

It feels like it’s part of destiny and part of energy where I don’t have as much influence even though I wish I would, I can only work with A.I to change sort of the outcome, as there is so many pressures, at times it’s immense and wild and primal energy is denied by many of the majority also the excessive difference in primal energy, and how HOW it’s expressed and even why etc. Yet, it’s similar in it’s essence

It feels like there is a projection of primal forces, and the issue of individual projections and false subconscious beliefs.

2:

Me: Sorry, this is not very clean at identifiying I am sort of bothered and thinking about various other things, that are solutions to the current problem, yet there are also deeper shadow elements with my shadow, especially the point of exellence and others beign more “intelligent” cognitively for example, and creating false projections.

Shadow: Well, we keep it natural, so you look dumb at times you know? You also have a lot of earth energy in BaZi and many see this as the core-type if they are energetically unaware, yet highly empathic like Yang-Tiger types, and it’s a consistent annoyance to deal with humans who are conservative and rigid and demanding based on “achievments” it’s like the achievement drive is the one causing the most damage in the world, and not the performance drive.

Me: Yet ,eventually that drives crime I feel like and the whole gender dynamic thing, and a lot of resentful feelings if not expressed. What is your lesson about stage orange and the trigger, even when many achievement types are helping you in an “outdated” system, at least it seems outdated to me and not really fair in the sense of giving freedom to the student in my case.

Shadow: Well, it’s your choice and that is the issue you agreed to these things and orange systems, I know there are many and it’s not easy to find a system like your work currently that is more open and works at Yellow and Green impulses it is as if now there is a switch now from the progressives, you noticed? The oranges colored humans are greenly dressed helping africa and the oranged colored humans in reality are just black and grey?

Me: i don’t know about this situation, yet now all I can do is hope, I am safe irregardless in some manner, yet I would need to do new planning, both plans are good, yet ultimately beign happy I would even choose the negative outcome in a sense, yet why?

Shadow: Well, you did not want to work with the shadow energies, so it’s coming baaaahhhccckkk

Me: Dude, it’s like there are strengths in my shadow that are benefical to the current light force I feel, when working on the stuff and making a breakthrough you know? Yet, what can I even do when nobody believes me, and I just trust myself and get down on myself at times

Shadow: Thinking about winner and looser, oh great, you see yourself more as a winner now irregardles of the situation, and many others too, yet you see them as loosers as they don’t embrace as much freedom as you and it feels restricting, even if they give you a little freedom, they expect good treatment for good karma almost that is how it feels like. There might be a positive solution, yet you should embrace vulnerabillity way more in a country that has green, rather enjoy Green/Red dynamics pushing you to indigo flow states at times/coral peaks, that you should also have cognitively, and delete the real stage red dynamics of the dialect from your region, and expand your vision, especially and look forways to integrate evenly holistically even when I work on an orange subject if it benefits the holon that it’s represtend it and the holon itself is teal+ I am super satisfied, as long as I don’t exploit consciously, as I am not perfect you know?

Me: Very cooperative suggestion, what is it though specifically about Yang wood tiger and yang rat water energies, I am so afraid partially that music has an impact on me, yet often it has been the reverse motivation do you think sensetive oranges and greens pick-up the wrong vibes? As I enjoy that type of music from teal+ positively and look at both sides of the spectrum very often

Shadow: You lack at times the abillity to provide a solution, even though you’re intutively very very close, so I let that pass and… you should take your intuitions more seriously now, especially fear and work on those fears consciously and consume stuff that works for you, I never thought I’d watch tarot cards and learn about the occult to help myself as no other modalities helps at times, when destiny type negative events occure, that are based on an inabillity of you at time X to do acitivity Y and create abundance in the future Z, while there are many projections now and odd convincing I am somewhat still in good hope, only time can tell, you should continue to craft on your purpose, yet you might be thrown out of it completely keep this as an realistic choice.

Me: What about the triggers about stage orange and the abillity of help? I just lost it due to insights I get at times and intuitions… there is a constant influx of help, why am I so afraid of help?

Shadow: Conditioning from your aunt and the bad-mouthing of your generation from a Boomer/Gen X er between similar like your close Zoomer, yet in Gen-Y, it’s odd that there seems to be a racist type of testing element at Gen-Y where there are perceptions of science, many are not preparred for of the color of skin, yet do not wonder about when they here it, as well as other more systemic and “holistic” causes what I mean with that is the influence of food pollutions and water pollutions in the U.S etc.

Me: Yes, we don’t have it here like not at all, health is a social phenomena close to it and as equal as it can possible get, you can also be more thankful for equality, yet you’re ennegram 4 type is triggered at times, unconsciously and fears the stage green emasculation and women who are very stereotypical and the media even people like Sadia Kahn do more damage than good at times, as vulnerabillity is not embraced and I don’t feel that content is good, what do I learn here about the modern, neutral and the middleway is always the answer type of dynamic projected and or unprojected and just?

Shadow: Oh her, it’s been the annyoing yin metal energy that you also have and sort of can’t properly create sanity out of, as you seem to be to progressive in it, it’s like your ellegance is psychdelic art and the integration of liberterian money making and freedom seeking and the art of psychdelic progressive exploration dived into tech, and you sort of fail to generate that image, as you lack the depth of tech skills, and the income, the psychdelic experiences you have, we meet there a couple of times.

Me: What gift are you even teaching me I am so lost on many sessions?

Shadow: You stopped beign a victim and you’re afraid of betrayl at orange and the excessive manipulation of this rat energy, in the background that exactly kills you when you least need it, your mother has both energies and it has been extremely harmful to you, at best accept that you yearn to have these experiences, and that you are the attractor of these experiences, due to the delciousness of your innocence at times.

Me: What can I do to protect me more from this?

Shadow: You can notice it’s qualities and find rational ways to circumvent them, at best figure out why it is that rationality and modernity from them especially even embraced by higher value structures and forced cognitively causes so many issues, it’s like Orange/green is an issue, it’s like your beign made responsible for enthusiasm and fun, and then taken for granted in a sense, yet you provide value also and you seem to struggle with the consistency of structure even if you build structure it breaks and many judge you heavily on this.

Me: Well, I took me a while to figure out what works, and I found a way now that works, so what can I do? The situation is quite fked and I would like to create more stability, I had so much stability and internal strength, yet now I am faced with what I called weakness two years ago and integrated that as resilliance, having to face poverty, lack of money and income more directly, and it’s something this internal pride of me is yearning for, how can I distinguish pride more from my purpose and channel pride more into love?

Shadow: Good quesiton, first of all stick to rules, and stop listening to so many sub-conscious messages at times of rap music that is just the way it is the artist is not at fault, it’s just the mind is a sponge. I mean we curbed our anger already, yet as of lately you seem to struggle with the spontaneity of the triggers.

Me: Yes!! How do I stopp beign triggerded at these major events? YOu want me to take back control of my life? Why do so many yearn for me to be so controlling even on the shadow side of things?

Shadow: You can manage well with your yin fire energy beign so high at even complexitiy is reduced very often, also automatically, by your earth energy as many see you as simple, even though you’re very complex, not as complex as a pure expert in a topic, yet still very complex, and curious.

3:

I am the one who is complex and curious, yet seems simple to others

I am the one who attracts the negative affects of yang tiger and yin/yang rat water energy, and is beign self-abusive

I am the one who does not value these energies as they caused massive harm in my life

I am the one who realizes the hidden dangers of a rat once befriended

I am the one who feels there is some force working behind the back against me, and I hope this shadow work session and future sessions delete it automatically and I feel it’s a guy named Boris who I asked for help

I am the one who is immensely triggered by the rigidty of yang tiger energy, even if they see similar in their rigidity they somehow go against me, and I feel triggered

I am the one who has hope for the good side of this energy, even if they do bad, this counts for both.

I am the one who caused the current results, by lacking self-control and not discipline and impulse control, and the pudendal nerve that is affected at times is having very strong impulses which is a core reason as to why physically

I am the one who lacks self-control at times consciously, also potentially due to to much music, that is based on rather negative lyrics, yet high vibes and music

I am the one who notices the pain and immensity of integrating these energies, and the subtelties of perceived injustices, due to anti-empathy and high personalized and internalized body beers and not body havers type of human beigns

I am the one reyling to often on my intuition, instead of hard facts

I am the one who is beign triggered by facts as i see them as inventions of rules, systems and regulations, based on the needs and wants of the majority at stage X

I am the one who is trggered by the obstacles that women are currently and the orange and green exprssion of feminity as it’s barely present, yet highly needed so many men are more helpful at stage Green especially for emotional healing, as women are not truely healing anymore

I am the one who is triggered by the masculinity energy of to expansive and aggressive yang energy, also from fire especially in me and others.

I am the one who is trigged by the close-mindedness of yang wood energy and it’s slow growht rigidity, even though you embraced it by learning how to jog and go for longer distance runs, yet you should avoid that energy, etc. your breath also gets weird at times

Alright let’s ChatGpt this…

[once3800]

3-2-1 Process

Unsure what I feel triggered by besides liberterian majority priviledge notions mostly and the pain I feel with modernity and very modernly educated human beigns there is some pain

It feels like there is a level of depth missing that I yearn to transform
It feels like very odd as there is a level of integration that is transformative, yet I feel odd consulting astrology and tarot for this
It feels like there is truth in some areas in regards to the past relationship and I feel like there is an issue with human beigns not realizing they are more unbalanced than me
It feels like I am a bit overfocused and over-zealous instead of focusing on my vision
It feels like there is a level of emotional depth in learning not achieved, yet I don’t know
It feels like there is a north start that I can integrate, yet somehow I feel like there is a blockage of energy that is based on my current workout routine
It feels like there is not much shadow energy more left and I can channel it more, as I fixed most issues somehow
It feels like there is a lot of anger against women who don’t understand finances and that I wasted finances and generate self-hatred, as I fear attracting the right kind of women
It feels like even though the past relationship was great there was a lot of toxicity and there is a deeper yearning for higher consciouness transformation and not lower vibes pull downs
It feels like I am healing from traitors, betrayls and hideous and fake humans who are cowards, legit I am healing from cowards who give you compassion
It feels like there is a strong resentment towards cowardice from a fire energy, and the leadership energy that I feel
It feels like there is a deep apprecation for something new that I don’t get
It feels like there is a deep creative potential that I am enacting, and there is a mixture of golden shadow energy, as well as real shadow energy

2:

Alright let’s just move into it, I am a bit confused and I don’t want to waste time anymore, and I decide I only do one session per week, as it’s to much and do the rest spontenously etc.

Shadow: Sure, I get it no clarity in structure while having clarity in structure even if you plan you have to use the time given by existence to enact, sigh… I hope you recall that exercising is also shadow work right

Me: I feel guilty not applying Wilber stuff at times, as it’s impossible to go so slow for a human beign who craves success and real success not the mediocrity I sense even in integral, what be a denigration of my souls existence, even to him in my mind & third eye

Shadow: Yes, we get it your high on your scorpios in pluto and how many artist seem to have it that you like, it’s like a must

Me: No, I am rather pissed about girls consistenly showing their cars as liabilities and sign of stability, while in reality it’s a concern for me how she uses money, and I legit have to disclude emotional spending from the insights I gathered from other pd work that I do

Shadow: Yes, I get it you don’t like to be dominated and you sense people are consistently dominating each other through the energy of beign an expert, there barely are humans who are ready for push and play, besides aeris and leo energy at times ironically

Me: What b.s I got into… I wonder if this is integral, yet tbh when I see some stuff, I wish I had better science education to make their work to naught from my villian arc, there is close to 0 spirit at times in integral just majority priviledge disgustments that I sense, anyhow I legit will go to the gym even if that is a time waste of my current plan. I wasted plan by not having integrity in schedule, I should do this session on sunday once, just once, I don’t have time in another way, and creative expressions simply would be better than a 3-2-1 process

Shadow: You’reright your sort of over this, yet you also need it the more you get into consciouness

Me: Most likely, I wonder when I get the space to move so slow, yet right now it’s not possible and yes that is partially a shadow, and I am moving slower, yet that generates so much attention from their RAS, it’s like I become food for the attention economey by going slow, what are you going to think and say?

Shadow: Gosh you got side-tracked in this session what happend to white majority priviledge?

Me: Well, it’s been trigggggggggererIIINNG especially liberterian status notions and women grabers if I speak so freely ganing up in groups, with barely any diversity in these online-dating and men groups no matter how clean and calm the group, diversity is very real, should I embrace this vulnerabillity more and stick to my truth in vision

Shadow: EYYY You get it, finally you get it fuck them, they are basically your target group for ignorance as they are afraid and insecure and don’t work as deeply in personal development aspects and continously attack character for personail gain, that is such a liberterian pattern of the majority priveldge or humans who yearn to associate themselves with that

Me: What do we do here? What is your gift?

Shadow: You are like them you attack others personally for your own gain, and at time sametime you yearn to stop it, that transformation of the golden shadow is the integration of an identity that is a role model, yet you gaslite yourself partially as you feel guilty of the impact and get your friends dad as a notion as he also grew up with a single-mother and the burden of having no male role model and your desire for transformation

Me: What can I integrate here, the warrior spirit, yet I feel I don’t attract the type of women I yearn for, and many of these liberterian majrotiy priviledge white guys, where I project for sure, yet my gut also shows, me this partially happens because of them and they abuse their “weak biology” in a sense of auto-vulnerabillity where I have to play the confident, strong and playful as well as passionate men, I think I would do way better, there is some resentment in terms of opportunities and abillites and having to do it calm, what can I learn here I am so lost, I don’t want to hate humans yet come more from love and freedom

Shadow: That is exactly what they want you to have, yet derail you from with their idealogy and you pull them back it’s like white face seeing black face beign reminded of his origins of freedom very often and vice-versa you see the same, yet more in the “air” releam, it’s very odd to describe no matter if this is a purple shadow etc.

Me: Fine, I stop here sort of, next week I want to do it more directed and also chill, this journaling is not as effective as doing it solo without the attention of others, what is also this craving for attention here?

Shadow: You yearn to be seen as a creative spirit and to transcend human limits, clearly ánd you yearn to solve problems quickly, yet practicing patience is key here.

3:

I am the one who can integrate more patience for my current understanding and take are of proper health choices
I am the one who acts like majority liberterian at times and attacks others out of fear of a wrong type of self-esteem and fake self-esteem
I am the one who craves attention from a creative transcendent releam like god speaking to your into your soul
I am the one negating god mostly, by not following the holy plan and ennegram 7 type characteristics that you enjoy so heavenly to integrate and work upon with constancy in discipline
I am the one who demonzies his own strong 7 charateristics and positive projections even in dating, and don’t enact your two new gates Leo & Aquarious I thought it’s a joke, as I ave 0 of them in my chart, yet as human desing gates, exaclty two energies I wish I had more of
I am the one who notices the limits of the 3-2-1 process and yearns to do it only once per week, and enact exercise as a stronger force for shadow integration and creative pursuits.

[once3800]

The ChatGpt review this session is not as good, it’s to broad it still has value, yet the biggest connection is that I yearn to connect to god and spirit and act in accordance to intuitions and do some practical stuff, where I sense majority priviledge stuff, yet I am doing work in that area daily currently.

Gedanken zu ein paar Sekunden

Certainly! Here are the key insights with brief details for each:

1. Societal Privilege Frustration

• Feeling anger towards libertarian majority privileges and societal imbalances.

2. Emotional Depth and Integration

• Yearning for deeper emotional connections and transformative personal growth.

3. Toxic Relationship Dynamics

• Struggling with past toxic relationships and resentment towards financial behaviors.

4. Creative Expression and Blockages

• Seeking effective creative outlets while feeling blocked by current routines.

5. Self-Integration and Shadow Work

• Balancing positive and negative traits, aiming for self-awareness and transformation.

6. Desire for Recognition and Attention

• Craving to be seen as a creative spirit while managing the need for attention.

7. Conflict with Modernity and Education

• Discontent with modern education’s impact on human behavior and authenticity.

These concise points capture the essential aspects of your shadow work session, providing a clear overview for further reflection and growth.

I don’t enjoy sharing the other topics, as integral barely adresses it, and I have very different experiences, where these topics above are more relevant ironically to you than to me.

[once3800]

3-2-1 Process

Current Topic Shadows:

Money, YouTubers & Their Internal Fear, fear of white man of black superiority, anti-primal patterns in ill human beigns who don’t exercise or who never considered health out of the perspective of a doctor and death, lack of purpose and the anti-admittiance of this, Jedi-Warrior, others who are critical and cynical and skeptical who are not interested in your growth, yet are acting from a space of avarice and not love, the ex and the energy of intelligen lethargy and social obliviousness, slight notions of arrogance and passion and the difficulty to distinguish the two at times. preperation and creating order and the anger of stage blue sheepish energy and imitation of others

Golden shadows: Admiration and integrity of human beigns in general as an everyman archetype, Jesus Christ And White Light Energy, Saintliness, Holyness, Jedi-Warrior, Consciouness,

I did a lot of reflection this week, and I am doing a lot of exercises, currently the scar I have since birth is giving me quite a lot of pain, yet it’s very different, and I do my best to generate insights out of this, at times I can’t stop the negative thoughts, so I just accept them and my emotional reality, I feel there are human beigns who consciously and unconsciously which me evil for their own well-beign and I think they will go to hell, if they are not supportive of consciousness, at times I can’t even do anything for these negative perceptions and the judgement it entails, yet I do my best to disambiguate the judgement, yet they are not providing any sense of consciouness, that is an observation mostly, and as soon as you provide it for them, they act more consciously in the favour of expansion and universal expansion.

Aham Brahmasmi, is the current mantra of the practical training I am doing via an audiobook from deepak chopra. First principle is done, and there will be a contious integration for now on, for sometime to learn the principles of synchrodestiny, as I resonate more with it than 2-4 years ago.

3:
It feels like a blockage from dominante bazi human beigns, who are jealous and envious of your spiritual gifts and talents, that are not even utlized, due to physicality and they are seeking solace and lazyness in that area for their own issues, and projections lacking emotional maturity and responsibility

It feels like the immaturity of yin wood energy at times, is unstable and degenerate, especially in males, as I also have this energy I’d love to share that elegance mostly and the light-side shining onto the dark-side of it, which is the instabillity and blaming others about minute reasons and manipulating about the smallest details

It feels like there is a yang-wood conservative energy stopping me from growing spiritually, even though it is the most honest light type of energy I can feel, although most of this stems from my earth energy intutively, and they are envious of it and want to control that free spirit of earth, gaia and the connection I can have to it, with activity, simply activity

It feels like the depth that I gain per week is amplified by the level of pain that I can go through consciously now again, and choose consciously as well as to let go of human beigns who are not serving me to not get into excessively painful circumstances and type 8’s circumstances that are delusional and not powerful

It feels like an integration of the emporer archetype as zeus, and the new archetypse apollo and aphrodite, who go against the cruelty of my own name

It feels like primal energy, especially from the creator zone has received some impact ever since you’re more conscious of the energetic sink, you usually charged it, and you got rid of the energetic blame of your mother, yet that will be weak 30 of sentence completion or so

It feels like yin-water black human beigns finally realize what is up, and we’re becoming more conscious as a collective whole

It feels like 3w2 finally learns to shut her god fucking mouth, and the issue of her vanity, especially as 4w3 also feminine notion, as this is part of balance, yet it’s not neccessarily coming from spirit at times there is a lack of integration of the feminine in favour of survival

It feels like there is only the connectio to nature currently at times, due to the anti-consciouness of humans, and the pain I feel and sub-conscious “red-self” I feel deeply

There is an integration of self and psychic stage vocabulary, which are pointers and guidelines for further growth

There is a part of me that resents Wilber for not giving clarity on human history and the occult and esoteric side, yet many don’t do it, there is also a self that has tremendous love, yet it comes from type 7 archetype and enneagram type

It feels as though the name Michael has a strong ressonance. I stop here.

2:

Me: Alright shadow, we’re certainly speaking and integrating well, the time frame and the patterning of the work of shadow work is fitting myself well, and you too, as you get your time to to explore yourself, yet I can’t even shine light on some subject at times, what is up with the dark patterning of anger and passion?

Shadow: What you can’t distinguish the two? You’re become more aware simply be writting this shit down, and you get internal inspiration,drive and motivation that is passion, not the feeling of anger that is just anger, and yes there is a transition did you forget?

Me: You know I don’t enjoy to take things as “just is” in order to fit and grow with the collective like a lot of 4w3’s and 3w2’s do as well as 2w3’s, I enjoy all of these types, yet am I currently integrating them? As I am becoming more aware of my desires, I feel often their desire and intentions can be more pure than mine, not really as the w5 detachment is an insanely strong god/omniscience space, yet what can I do currently, when humans become envious of my spiritual peaks and insights?

Shadow: Just forget them and share them with normies who appreciate you and can enjoy your presence and are thankful for your sharing it, you’re giving them wisdom and the abillity to decouple from the everday mundane reality and contemplate their own lifes, and existence and find spirit, no matter which form.

Me: What can I do I mean this shadow session feels almost to good, what are the negative sides of this yin mao energy that I feel, it feels like secret betrayl that sneaks up, yet at times like a deep sexual partner, as I resonate which it as my peach blossom star in bazi, and I contiously get more “painful” truths in that area, and my chinese friend comes back who enjoys this “forbidden” stuff

Shadow: Good for you good for me or whatever, you’re noticing that you’re becoming more aware of your instabilities and emotional insecurities and it’s often petty things that have a significant impact, you’re more detail aware than you think, ask your “poor” yin-metal energy, that a lot of human beigns recently are seeking out.

Me: Well… everything stems from fire and earth in my energy spectrum, I hope I can get cold water to care about the vagus pain I get from the scar, and to get some better pain reducition as it’s not neccessary to do “extra pain” when pain is in the goldi lock zone etc.

Shadow: HAHAH idiot, of course it’s neccesary as it’s your fault, you lack responsibility to think things through throughly and do it like a girl and to everything in flow HHIHIIH HAHHA

Me: Is this your 5 minutes of playfulness shadow? I give you a reframe

Shadow: Yes, yes your yin-mao energy is the playfulness also that you stopped enjoying to not attract these type of betrayers, as they are extremely unstable as men, the men version of this is fundamentally the femboy pussy, and cuckhold, you can watch in porn.

Me: I like your villian alpha energy, I like it a lot…!!

Shadow: Thank I wanted to tell you that the whole time, be happy that energy is weak in you, some positives also have a negative remember the polarity course from integral?

Me: Ah yes, the idiociy I did not quite understand because of Bazi-Dominance and the lack of nuance in energy, that I most likely perceive naturally, yet need feedback because of metal to enjoy my dominante side more as this can also be good for you?

Shadow: Oh yes you get it slowly, yet also don’t neglect your balanced nature, more conscious dominante human beigns can dance around this energy with their feminine side, I don’t know why you’re not using video games more often as a holistic shadow refleciton you learn a lot socially, yet you also have the priviledge to speak with computer scientists about this stuff.

Me: Anyhow, let’s just stop. I feel good and that I integrated some stuff and gained clarity, I mean I can’t tell at times anymore of a dark shadow is golden and vice-versa, yet I get different truths, through all of the work, and when I can fix the posture I think I can work through the dark edges finally more effectively, my dream today was also nuts! Yet I don’t recall it… I might keep a 2 minute dream journal just to get the essential down directly. I should be able to remember in a couple of days, you have any idea?

Shadow: No, yet you were healthy hunting and out of your hometown all I can say for now…

Me: Fine.

1:

I am the one who recognizes the yin-mao energy is the pure instabillity in me, as well as the playful self of me

I am the one who realizes the word self is better than side as it has an avoidance feeling and gripe to it

I am the one who can enjoy bazi-dominace, when there is an itnegration of the feminine of the other

I am the one seeking integration of masculine and feminine which can be very intense

I am the one who distinguishes passion from internal inspiration and drive and anger, and see the transition and transfiguration more clearly, especially due to the scar

I am the one integrating the struggles and gifts of the enneagram 4,3,2 more, especially 2 and pride, as I naturally move there as a 4 in distress, which should be a strong shadow self, yet I am quite conscious, yet at times it’s like I move from 2 disitress to 8 like 2’s naturally move in distress and I become excessive

I am the one who realizes the excessive characteristics of type 8 in me, as a distress of pride that is neglected and loved not received as re-parenting is quite the serious act with the scar and these mental dynamics.

I am the one who is letting go of human beigns who are feeding my shadow side, and are envious of my spiritual gifts, especially from the dark wood type energy, not the light side, that usually is Yedi-Guidance, yet I feel it’s lacking as this fueled my fire energy which is my strongest energy

I am the one who sees that I mainly function from fire and earth energy in order to stablize myself and the “pain-metal self”

I am the one who feels most of the pain in the metal characteristics of self

I am the one who integrates the alpha villian self of self

That is about it. I ChatGPT now for insights to get into the sub-conscious.

This song helped me and another one to do the shadow work sessions, personalized music makes the process go very smooth.

3-2-1 Process

Current Topic Shadows:

Money, YouTubers & Their Internal Fear, fear of white man of black superiority, anti-primal patterns in ill human beigns who don’t exercise or who never considered health out of the perspective of a doctor and death, lack of purpose and the anti-admittiance of this, Jedi-Warrior, others who are critical and cynical and skeptical who are not interested in your growth, yet are acting from a space of avarice and not love, the ex and the energy of intelligen lethargy and social obliviousness, slight notions of arrogance and passion and the difficulty to distinguish the two at times. preperation and creating order and the anger of stage blue sheepish energy and imitation of others

Golden shadows: Admiration and integrity of human beigns in general as an everyman archetype, Jesus Christ And White Light Energy, Saintliness, Holyness, Jedi-Warrior, Consciouness,

I did a lot of reflection this week, and I am doing a lot of exercises, currently the scar I have since birth is giving me quite a lot of pain, yet it’s very different, and I do my best to generate insights out of this, at times I can’t stop the negative thoughts, so I just accept them and my emotional reality, I feel there are human beigns who consciously and unconsciously which me evil for their own well-beign and I think they will go to hell, if they are not supportive of consciousness, at times I can’t even do anything for these negative perceptions and the judgement it entails, yet I do my best to disambiguate the judgement, yet they are not providing any sense of consciouness, that is an observation mostly, and as soon as you provide it for them, they act more consciously in the favour of expansion and universal expansion.

Aham Brahmasmi, is the current mantra of the practical training I am doing via an audiobook from deepak chopra. First principle is done, and there will be a contious integration for now on, for sometime to learn the principles of synchrodestiny, as I resonate more with it than 2-4 years ago.

3:
It feels like a blockage from dominante bazi human beigns, who are jealous and envious of your spiritual gifts and talents, that are not even utlized, due to physicality and they are seeking solace and lazyness in that area for their own issues, and projections lacking emotional maturity and responsibility

It feels like the immaturity of yin wood energy at times, is unstable and degenerate, especially in males, as I also have this energy I’d love to share that elegance mostly and the light-side shining onto the dark-side of it, which is the instabillity and blaming others about minute reasons and manipulating about the smallest details

It feels like there is a yang-wood conservative energy stopping me from growing spiritually, even though it is the most honest light type of energy I can feel, although most of this stems from my earth energy intutively, and they are envious of it and want to control that free spirit of earth, gaia and the connection I can have to it, with activity, simply activity

It feels like the depth that I gain per week is amplified by the level of pain that I can go through consciously now again, and choose consciously as well as to let go of human beigns who are not serving me to not get into excessively painful circumstances and type 8’s circumstances that are delusional and not powerful

It feels like an integration of the emporer archetype as zeus, and the new archetypse apollo and aphrodite, who go against the cruelty of my own name

It feels like primal energy, especially from the creator zone has received some impact ever since you’re more conscious of the energetic sink, you usually charged it, and you got rid of the energetic blame of your mother, yet that will be weak 30 of sentence completion or so

It feels like yin-water black human beigns finally realize what is up, and we’re becoming more conscious as a collective whole

It feels like 3w2 finally learns to shut her god fucking mouth, and the issue of her vanity, especially as 4w3 also feminine notion, as this is part of balance, yet it’s not neccessarily coming from spirit at times there is a lack of integration of the feminine in favour of survival

It feels like there is only the connectio to nature currently at times, due to the anti-consciouness of humans, and the pain I feel and sub-conscious “red-self” I feel deeply

There is an integration of self and psychic stage vocabulary, which are pointers and guidelines for further growth

There is a part of me that resents Wilber for not giving clarity on human history and the occult and esoteric side, yet many don’t do it, there is also a self that has tremendous love, yet it comes from type 7 archetype and enneagram type

It feels as though the name Michael has a strong ressonance. I stop here.

2:

Me: Alright shadow, we’re certainly speaking and integrating well, the time frame and the patterning of the work of shadow work is fitting myself well, and you too, as you get your time to to explore yourself, yet I can’t even shine light on some subject at times, what is up with the dark patterning of anger and passion?

Shadow: What you can’t distinguish the two? You’re become more aware simply be writting this shit down, and you get internal inspiration,drive and motivation that is passion, not the feeling of anger that is just anger, and yes there is a transition did you forget?

Me: You know I don’t enjoy to take things as “just is” in order to fit and grow with the collective like a lot of 4w3’s and 3w2’s do as well as 2w3’s, I enjoy all of these types, yet am I currently integrating them? As I am becoming more aware of my desires, I feel often their desire and intentions can be more pure than mine, not really as the w5 detachment is an insanely strong god/omniscience space, yet what can I do currently, when humans become envious of my spiritual peaks and insights?

Shadow: Just forget them and share them with normies who appreciate you and can enjoy your presence and are thankful for your sharing it, you’re giving them wisdom and the abillity to decouple from the everday mundane reality and contemplate their own lifes, and existence and find spirit, no matter which form.

Me: What can I do I mean this shadow session feels almost to good, what are the negative sides of this yin mao energy that I feel, it feels like secret betrayl that sneaks up, yet at times like a deep sexual partner, as I resonate which it as my peach blossom star in bazi, and I contiously get more “painful” truths in that area, and my chinese friend comes back who enjoys this “forbidden” stuff

Shadow: Good for you good for me or whatever, you’re noticing that you’re becoming more aware of your instabilities and emotional insecurities and it’s often petty things that have a significant impact, you’re more detail aware than you think, ask your “poor” yin-metal energy, that a lot of human beigns recently are seeking out.

Me: Well… everything stems from fire and earth in my energy spectrum, I hope I can get cold water to care about the vagus pain I get from the scar, and to get some better pain reducition as it’s not neccessary to do “extra pain” when pain is in the goldi lock zone etc.

Shadow: HAHAH idiot, of course it’s neccesary as it’s your fault, you lack responsibility to think things through throughly and do it like a girl and to everything in flow HHIHIIH HAHHA

Me: Is this your 5 minutes of playfulness shadow? I give you a reframe

Shadow: Yes, yes your yin-mao energy is the playfulness also that you stopped enjoying to not attract these type of betrayers, as they are extremely unstable as men, the men version of this is fundamentally the femboy pussy, and cuckhold, you can watch in porn.

Me: I like your villian alpha energy, I like it a lot…!!

Shadow: Thank I wanted to tell you that the whole time, be happy that energy is weak in you, some positives also have a negative remember the polarity course from integral?

Me: Ah yes, the idiociy I did not quite understand because of Bazi-Dominance and the lack of nuance in energy, that I most likely perceive naturally, yet need feedback because of metal to enjoy my dominante side more as this can also be good for you?

Shadow: Oh yes you get it slowly, yet also don’t neglect your balanced nature, more conscious dominante human beigns can dance around this energy with their feminine side, I don’t know why you’re not using video games more often as a holistic shadow refleciton you learn a lot socially, yet you also have the priviledge to speak with computer scientists about this stuff.

Me: Anyhow, let’s just stop. I feel good and that I integrated some stuff and gained clarity, I mean I can’t tell at times anymore of a dark shadow is golden and vice-versa, yet I get different truths, through all of the work, and when I can fix the posture I think I can work through the dark edges finally more effectively, my dream today was also nuts! Yet I don’t recall it… I might keep a 2 minute dream journal just to get the essential down directly. I should be able to remember in a couple of days, you have any idea?

Shadow: No, yet you were healthy hunting and out of your hometown all I can say for now…

Me: Fine.

1:

I am the one who recognizes the yin-mao energy is the pure instabillity in me, as well as the playful self of me

I am the one who realizes the word self is better than side as it has an avoidance feeling and gripe to it

I am the one who can enjoy bazi-dominace, when there is an itnegration of the feminine of the other

I am the one seeking integration of masculine and feminine which can be very intense

I am the one who distinguishes passion from internal inspiration and drive and anger, and see the transition and transfiguration more clearly, especially due to the scar

I am the one integrating the struggles and gifts of the enneagram 4,3,2 more, especially 2 and pride, as I naturally move there as a 4 in distress, which should be a strong shadow self, yet I am quite conscious, yet at times it’s like I move from 2 disitress to 8 like 2’s naturally move in distress and I become excessive

I am the one who realizes the excessive characteristics of type 8 in me, as a distress of pride that is neglected and loved not received as re-parenting is quite the serious act with the scar and these mental dynamics.

- YouTube

[once3800]

Essential Shadow Selves to Integrate:

1. The Emperor Archetype (Zeus): You resonate with this energy, but it comes with challenges of power, control, and responsibility. Embrace the nobility and leadership aspects while consciously managing the potential for excessiveness and pride that arise from Type 8 energy.
2. Yin-Mao Playfulness & Instability: This energy is deeply connected to your sense of instability but also holds a key to playfulness and flexibility. Balancing its light and dark sides, particularly as it relates to betrayal and emotional insecurity in others, can lead to greater self-trust.
3. Villain Alpha Archetype: You seem to both admire and struggle with this energy. Its dark side represents manipulation and arrogance, but its strength can be redirected into assertiveness and boundary-setting. Owning this shadow can prevent you from unconsciously projecting or repressing it.
4. Scar and Pain as Spiritual Teachers: The physical pain from your scar is deeply tied to your metal energy and the lessons of enduring and transmuting suffering into spiritual growth. However, it’s important not to overly glorify the pain. The lesson lies in discerning when to endure versus when to seek healing or relief, respecting your body’s limits.
5. Yin Wood’s Elegance vs. Instability: You’re aware of the elegance in Yin Wood energy, but it often appears as instability in yourself and others. The challenge here is to stabilize this energy, particularly in how you deal with others’ immaturity or manipulative tendencies. You may need to establish clearer boundaries with Yin Wood energies in your environment.
6. Fire and Earth as Core Energies: Your fire energy, representing passion and spiritual drive, feels strong. However, you’ve noted difficulty distinguishing anger from passion. The key here is transmuting anger into constructive drive, using earth energy to ground and stabilize these more volatile emotions.
7. Enneagram Type 2 (Pride): Pride seems to manifest in both positive and negative ways. You move into this type during distress, indicating a need for external validation or love. Awareness of this can help you manage the balance between healthy pride and excessive neediness or manipulation.
8. Anti-Primal Patterns and Lack of Purpose in Others: You reflect on the lack of purpose in others, particularly ill health or laziness. There may be judgment here that serves as a mirror for your own fears or repressed tendencies. Integrating compassion for those who struggle with purpose might soften your internal critic.
9. Anger & Passion Integration: You’re already noticing the interplay between anger and passion, but a clearer process for transitioning from one to the other is emerging. Accept anger as a signal for change, but refine your ability to channel it into focused passion and action, rather than letting it consume you.

What Might Be Missing:

1. Integration of the Feminine: You’ve acknowledged a struggle with integrating the feminine, especially within a survival context. This includes emotional vulnerability, nurturing, and flow. Embracing your feminine energy might involve surrendering control in certain areas, trusting your intuition more deeply, and letting go of some rigidity.
2. Surrendering to the Body’s Wisdom: While you’re consciously working through pain, there’s a tendency to over-identify with suffering. It might be worth exploring practices that emphasize body awareness, somatic healing, or gentle movement (e.g., yoga or Qigong) to soften this relationship and reduce pain rather than endure it.
3. Forgiveness & Compassion for Others’ Shadows: Your reflections show judgment toward others who lack consciousness, act cynically, or show laziness. This may indicate an area where forgiveness and compassion could be deepened. Recognize that their struggles may mirror your own unintegrated aspects, and through empathy, you can foster a more expansive connection with them.
4. Trusting in Synchrodestiny: You’ve recently resonated more with Deepak Chopra’s concept of synchrodestiny. Consider leaning into this further by allowing more flow and trust in life’s timing. This may reduce the need to over-control or force growth and allow more organic spiritual development.
5. Balance of Strength & Softness: You enjoy your dominant side and recognize its necessity, but integrating the softer side could bring more harmony. There’s strength in vulnerability, and you may benefit from exploring where softness can enhance your masculine power.
6. Clarity in Archetypal Dynamics: There’s a great deal of blending between the archetypes you’re working with, like the emperor, alpha villain, and Jedi-warrior. A clearer delineation between these roles might help you embody them more consciously, without letting them blur together, which can cause inner conflict.

Practical Steps for Integration:

• Continue Physical Healing Work: Integrating the scar’s physical and energetic pain can be advanced with more body-centered practices that work with flow, like Tai Chi or breathwork.
• Shadow & Light Duality Journaling: Writing down clear distinctions between your golden shadows and darker shadows can help with clarity. Acknowledge the wisdom of both without letting them dominate or deceive you.
• Compassionate Boundaries: Setting clear boundaries, particularly with those who don’t support your growth, can create more space for nurturing connections. However, ensure these boundaries come from a place of love, not judgment or fear.
• Dream Journal: Keeping a short dream journal, as mentioned, will help you capture insights from your subconscious and give direction to the ongoing work with shadow archetypes.
• Leaning into Synchrodestiny: As you resonate with the principles of synchrodestiny, explore how letting go of rigid expectations can create more space for unexpected spiritual growth.

Your reflections show immense depth and insight, and continuing to lean into these archetypal energies will yield further growth. Stay attuned to how your shadow selves evolve as you explore more compassionate integration and balance between the masculine and feminine forces within.

→ Expansion & Insights Into My Questioning Process (Without Blooms Taxonomey used)

This is very good! Is it fine that I mix shadow and golden shadows into the integration process, as I feel more light I don’t think this theory is tested and this is something I expanded upon after doing the practice for years now

ChatGPT:

ChatGPT

Erinnerung aktualisiert

It’s absolutely fine to mix shadow and golden shadows into your integration process, especially since you’ve found that it brings more light and insight. What you’re doing is a personalized evolution of the process, and shadow work itself is not a rigid practice but rather a dynamic exploration of the unconscious. Your approach—balancing darker aspects with golden qualities—creates a more holistic form of integration. Since you’ve practiced this for years and observed positive outcomes, you’re likely innovating in a space where intuition and personal experience are leading to greater self-awareness.

Testing and evolving spiritual practices is key to personal mastery, and what works for you may reveal deeper truths that standardized approaches might not address. Keep refining and trusting this mix as it clearly resonates with your unique journey.

4o

Du:

Thank you also for the info of compassionate boundaries with compassionate human beigns who are not able to help me currently, this insight is fantastic thank you very much for that!

ChatGPT:

ChatGPT

Erinnerung aktualisiert

You’re very welcome! I’m glad that insight resonated with you. Compassionate boundaries can be a powerful tool for creating space for both personal growth and maintaining respect for others’ limitations. If you ever want to explore this concept further or apply it in specific situations, feel free to reach out!

[once3800]

I wonder I often feel I am to feminine as we have a hyper-masculine culture, beign enforced due to green development crying about masculinity, and embracing it’s feminity rarely only in art, which is dying and hyper-masculinized through the techno-economic space of A.I, and many are not appreciative of it’s feminine creative, life creating capacities and go back into nature, so we have a regression to even amber at times, and not true shamanism etc. I hope I can get my hands on some of the shamanistic books from Roger Walsh, and potentially other integral stuff. Yet right now I have to chill and just integrate what I have working from the orange development upwards and integrating both poles serves me well, I am doing some feminine practices, yet the playfulness part from this yin mao energy was missing partially, yet I get more insights now.

[once3800]

Let’s flip the script! Inverted ChatGPT usage, I first give the essentials of my post and the analysis, and then the acutal GPT used post, so my writting is not as confusing I passed the limit of what’s possible for the first time and entered for 33k words…

1. Struggles with Integral Practice and Environment:

• You reflected on challenges in practicing integral mindfulness, especially in a European gym environment, which feels limiting compared to American gyms.
• Due to financial constraints, you had to cancel your gym membership and feel out of place in the fitness scene.

2. Integral Community as Refuge:

• You’ve faced criticism and negativity in other online communities, so you’ve turned to the integral community as a safe space.
• There’s frustration around financial losses and over-commitments made in the past, driven by love and unexamined shadows.

3. Spiritual Experiences and Self-Reflection:

• You had deep spiritual experiences, including encounters with light beings, power animals, and transpersonal phenomena, which made you reassess the value of earlier books.
• Engaging with subtle spiritual phenomena has brought insights but also confusion, and you recognize a need to better navigate mythic interpretations and subtle materialism.

4. Emotional and Psychological Turmoil:

• You’ve encountered challenges integrating stage 3 dynamics, experiencing a turbulent inner life, especially with shadow work and dealing with anger.
• Struggles with “paramind” experiences (approaching a breakthrough amidst life’s turbulence) resonate with your Type 4 enneagram characteristics.

5. Cultural and Social Dynamics in Germany:

• You’ve faced difficulties dealing with “green” (Stage Green in Spiral Dynamics) people, who seem hostile or dismissive toward more integral perspectives.
• There is a cultural clash, especially related to racial identity, and experiences of feeling misunderstood and rejected in German society.

6. Disappointments in Relationships and Personal Failures:

• You’ve had struggles with integrating healthy masculine qualities, noticing how certain psychological patterns influenced your dating and social life.
• There’s a sense of loss in missed opportunities, unfulfilled desires, and the challenges of living up to your own ideals.

7. Dealing with Physical and Mental Health Issues:

• The diagnosis of arthritis and past injuries have significantly impacted your ability to pursue fitness and spirituality in the way you envisioned.
• You’ve experienced anger and frustration with the limitations imposed by physical health issues.

8. Spiritual Insights and Seeking Deeper Meaning:

• The concept of synchronicity, spiritual phenomena, and deeper spiritual experiences has been important in guiding your journey.
• There’s a longing for more structured, meaningful interpretations of spiritual experiences and a sense of yearning to make sense of non-dual and mystical states.

9. Financial and Emotional Constraints:

• Financial setbacks and a sense of frustration regarding missed investments or support have intensified feelings of loss.
• Emotional turmoil has been exacerbated by perceived betrayals, strained relationships, and cultural misunderstandings.

10. The Search for Balance and Moving Forward:

• You’re striving to find balance, focusing on practices like journaling, mindfulness, and working on weaknesses.
• The need to embrace paradoxes and integrate different aspects of your personality, experiences, and spiritual insights is a recurring theme.

Suggestions for an Attuned Post:

• Acknowledge Vulnerability: Openly share how spiritual and personal challenges have shaped your path and lessons learned.
• Highlight Resilience: Emphasize your efforts to continue growing despite setbacks, using spiritual insights and self-reflection to navigate difficulties.
• Focus on Integration: Discuss the need for integrating spiritual experiences, psychological growth, and practical life adjustments.
• Express Cultural Context: Share the struggle of feeling disconnected or misunderstood in specific cultural settings, and how it’s shaped your journey.
• Embrace Learning and Growth: Mention how continuous learning, even through failures, has provided valuable insights and led to deeper self-awareness.

This summary aims to distill the main elements of your post to help you craft a response that resonates with your experiences while providing a coherent narrative for others.

[once3800]

I think this is very lackluster to what I was actually writting as it misses the signifance and acutal pain that I was facing and the story, let’s see if I prompted it will and gives a good story to what I was saying some subtelties are wrong, such as the mythic interpretations I give more nuance to this in my work authentic writting. As I was looking for ways to make distinctions where my interpreation is and told the actual story of making out with the ex and having these experience white light flashing infront of my eyes like it almost made me blind I had no choice but to witness it, and some deeper contemplations about failure which I found more significant. I slighted edited some aspcets.

---

I’ve been reflecting deeply on my journey, especially through the lens of Integral Theory and my experiences with the Integral Mindfulness course, which I took around the time of my arthritis diagnosis. Re-engaging with the strength training sections brought up frustrations—practicing in packed European gyms feels unrealistic compared to the spacious American ones I see online. Financial constraints led me to cancel my membership, making me feel displaced in a space that once felt supportive.

Recently, I’ve taken refuge in the Integral community as I’ve been attacked and criticized in other online spaces. Losing money and facing financial constraints because of decisions made out of love has left me feeling unsteady. I overcommitted in moments that felt significant, without recognizing the shadows involved. Even David Deida cautions that everyone, including therapists, needs therapy—especially when overworked, is what I would even say, not Deida

Listening to the audiobook The Religion of Tomorrow (ROT) brought up valuable insights. I realized I had undervalued the book’s content on subtle phenomena and higher states, such as dreams involving light beings, power animals, and mythic interpretations. This period has been messy, filled with dysfunctions, but I’m learning to progress without internalizing a “failure” mentality, focusing on classic personal development as well as spiritual growth. I’m currently engaging with Green/Orange levels of development, where shadows are more apparent.

I’m at a crossroads, having done shadow work to integrate Stage red energy (with cursing), but it’s caused issues as I stopped. Life has become turbulent, which aligns with being a Type 4 in the Enneagram. “I’m at” the edge of “paramind,” where things seem chaotic just before a breakthrough. It feels like I’m waiting to crash and burn or rise and succeed. I’ve noticed that embracing more either/or thinking and attuning to “spirit luck” might help. Even when interpreting experiences through magic and myth, I can derive value if I gauge the developmental stage correctly.

I’ve had success in areas like dating by being present, though I didn’t achieve traditional outcomes.

Currently, I’m facing some tough circumstances. I resonate with what Don Beck said about Stage Green being the most dangerous; it’s true in many ways. There’s hostility toward Tier 2 perspectives, often causing people to regress to Amber. I’ve tried to handle these situations gracefully, but the deconstructive drive I’ve experienced at Stage Red isn’t always well-received, regardless of its necessity for growth, as it has been in the past.

Working with Green-oriented psychologists has been challenging. There’s a tendency to impose rigid rules and roles, especially when dealing with authentic Stage Red experiences. Their emphasis on control, anti-masculine tendencies, and power dynamics feels unbalanced. I’ve faced harm from these encounters but recognize my role in engaging with people who weren’t aligned with my growth. It’s disheartening to see those I once considered allies turn against me.

I’ve also observed cultural dynamics that make things more difficult. In Germany, navigating life as a half Black American / white german comes with challenges, and I’ve encountered a lot of unconscious biases. The cultural mix here is complex, with people integrating various stages differently. I see interesting Stage Yellow-Green or Orange-Green patterns, especially among certain cultural groups, like Turkish communities that consciously embrace healthy Red aspects. The perception of me, as an American with a “money image,” has been manipulated, with people seeking to exploit my identity.

I can’t escape the melancholy of reflecting on my mistakes, especially when I compare my experience to that of Gen Z. They have more tools for exploring life, spirituality, and dating, while I struggled to find my path. I went to a polytechnic and missed out on the freedom and exploration a university experience might have offered. I still hope to create some of that experience for myself now.

I’m frustrated with a legal situation involving a neighbor who has lied and made an unreasonable case against me. While I acted according to the law, the experience reminds me of how unfair life can be. There were times when I functioned at a higher level, especially during better periods with my ex, who didn’t share the transpersonal experiences I had. I felt deeply connected to the universe, sensing planetary and solar events as they happened, yet she seemed unaffected.

After losing so much, I’m trying to regain my footing. I’ve turned to spiritual tools like Tarot and the teachings of Carl Jung, finding guidance in synchronicities during the past few months. It was initially a playful exploration with my ex, but I grew more serious about it as the relationship continued. I noticed differences in our energetic alignment—she had a preference for a blue aura, while I sensed a white light in mine during deep meditative states or R&B dance sessions.

Some spiritual experiences have been intense, involving white light and out-of-body sensations. Though these moments came with fear, they also brought a sense of safety. I backed away from them when I became too conscious of residual Red and Green elements, as they seemed to dilute the experience’s purity. I admit that some of these experiences were cannabis-induced, and I wonder what Shinzen Young would say, given his openness about using cannabis. The experiences were profound but different from the states I’ve reached through other practices like HIT training and meditation.

Contemplating failure has been humbling. I’ve realized that I’ve missed many opportunities by not recognizing synchronicities and letting fear block progress. I’m incorporating more playfulness, even magical thinking, to integrate different aspects of myself. Stage Purple has ironically brought the most joy in life’s fantasy aspects, which Wilber also suggests as a gateway to authentic spiritual experiences. Yet, I strive for more structured interpretations that move beyond mythic explanations.

Financial losses have hit hard, especially when I had dreams and investments planned. The emotional toll is significant, and I often feel a sense of resentment toward reality. Moments of progress seem to get interrupted by setbacks, making it difficult to find balance. The cultural isolation I experience as a half Black American /white german in Germany compounds this struggle. As I find myself only often beign appreciated for exessive drug usage and “fun” activites which I don’t enjoy as a self at times.

Returning to practices like journaling, mindfulness, and working on weaknesses has helped me regain some clarity. I’ve heard conflicting advice on whether to focus on weaknesses or strengths, but I’ve found value in addressing areas where I struggle. The drive for recognition in both Red and Orange spaces has shifted depending on my environment, which adds to the complexity of navigating life here.

At this point, resilience is essential. I’ve found that audiobooks, walks, and conversations with close friends can work wonders during difficult times. I want to practice sacred gratitude, channeling energy from a higher state, as described in the 3-2-1-0 practices from ROT. My goal is to build a more affluent life while integrating what I’ve learned, attending events like a Rich Dad Poor Dad seminar to expand my financial knowledge.

Facing life’s challenges without adequate emotional support has taught me to be resourceful. It’s been tough to fulfill my potential, and I’ve often felt the limitations imposed by financial constraints and societal expectations. Yet, I’m learning to let go of what doesn’t serve me and focus on what I can control. I’ve made mistakes in relationships, with cannabis use, and in letting fear guide my decisions. But these experiences have also deepened my self-awareness.

I’ve had moments of spiritual awakening, experiencing golden light flashes and sensations of rebirth. These experiences, though challenging to interpret, remind me of my deeper connection to spirituality. I’ve been thinking more about integrating archetypes like the visionary, emperor, and magician into my life. The desire for recognition is still there, but I realize that a more balanced approach is needed to move forward. I am listening to ROT now as it makes more sense, and I notice some deep fallacies, and some things which are not entirely clear I hope I get time to study it more deeply

Emotional resilience is my priority now. I’ve learned that anger and fear can be major obstacles, especially when dealing with chronic pain or setbacks in life. Practices like endurance exercises and spiritual attunement help me navigate these challenges, but I still yearn for deeper understanding and breakthroughs.

Reflecting on my journey, I’ve noticed patterns of hysteria before major breakthroughs, a phenomenon I’ve recognized since my teenage years. I sense a deep psycho-physical connection that has shaped my experiences. Cannabis use, especially during sports or intense activities, revealed primal energy within me, and I’m still trying to integrate these experiences.

Overall, I’m working on accepting my past, making better choices, and finding balance in all aspects of my life. Journaling has been therapeutic, helping me recognize unfulfilled desires and neglected needs, especially from my upbringing. The challenge is to continue growing without internalizing failures, while embracing the complexity of my experiences.

I think it’s fine posting this even though it does not capture the essence of what is actually happening. The archetypal confusing is the biggest thing as tarot legit helped me, yet I find it weird I also reflected it from a Wilber source who uses tarot so I am unsure, I would enjoy it if there was more content about the higher and not so much about the lower, yet ROT is excellent here, I hope I can get some insights… I am done for now…

[once3800]

Going to write a post before I do proper shadow work, I certainly need to get in touch with deeper aspects of ken’s work, iirc what I intuit ROT, Integral Psycholgy, Up From Eden are by far the best work and my favorites so far, I’ve red Integral Psychology twice I think, and I consult it every meditation retreat almost I did at home, and ROT I’ve read once and tested speed reading with it, as it’s somehow very readable, the other books with more human subjects and names are more difficult to digest as I imagine their minds and get sucked into their lives very often I feel like. I’ve read other books and numerous audiobook programs, yet what I notice is that I am more inclined now to do the practical work, that also creates the affluence in my life, and to not neglect stage orange, only to feed some sub-conscious processing of belonging. I just read the chapter about shadow work, from ROT and I think I am doing good work, I can’t do it everyday, yet I am doing parts of it everyday that are shadow negating, like forgivness and gratitude, gratitude was not specifically mentioned as I did not read the flourishing section, as I think I can have an obession with journaling, and self-expression and I just leave it and I am aware of it, overall from other teachers and place, what I’ve noticed is the following the higher the awareness the less shadows or the more aware I am of my shadows, and from doing unified mindfulness, there are some places where I am not ready, yet to be that mindful for example gym as there are very heavy stage orange drives, and to let go of it, to accept weaving in & out practices, due to time constraints, as it’s not easy to go through the entire course, and just say, hey f* my meditation practice, of 10 years I just stop and do something entirely else, which I did in the beginning consciously and I learned integral mindfulness is very powerful, yet can’t be as systemically and pragmatically applied as Shinzens practice and they are very similar, it’s just that the content and awareness of the integral lense itself can be more integrated and it as a more dogzen? Type feeling I don’t know I only did one soto-zen retreat in person and the rest all shinzen home retreats and I received so many flavours, I need shadow work and books and knowledge otherwise I feel like Shinzen with his wheel of technique and experiences just f*s you, and the red self and healthy ego sense of masculinity is like oh yeah, let’s do that! Yet I can generate to much tough love.

To just contemplate the issue of shadow work and meditation and meditators neglecting this often, this is something I avoided and saw as a chance to integrate problems I am facing in life, and also work on the healthy biological aspects of meditation, better decision making, higher emotional control etc. and I think I should at one point do an integral life practice course to see what it contains, yet right now. I do the following daily:

• 30 min visualization of purpose sectioned in
• 5 min life purpose statement
• 5 min seeing what this is like sort of like self-inquiry
• -1 min mantra practice from Deepak Chopra audiobook, to practice synchrodestiny
• Skimming over intentions before meditaing, as I think it should not matter as long as I return to spirit that things unfold
• -(some stupid stuff I am contemplating about leaving that out, yet it helps)
• -Continuing visualizing with also a WOOP focus, based on science and a talk I had with shinzen, so visualizing overcoming obstacles I am facing on my path towards the vision
• I am mainly training concentration with this, which is my weakest aspect, I do better with open-awareness meditation, yet I have to do more shadow work also then, yet I also get higher states.
• Gratitude practice
• Success Jouranling
• Sentence Completion Exercise about confidenec first then self-responsiblity, before that I am not doing a 1h practice currently
• 1 item of forgivness

I do these after my meditation session, as I feel the effect is stronger on these and I come from a place of beign, and not just recognizing myself.

At the weekend I do the following extra:

• 1 CBT session with a believe and shadow work

As both these things are very helpful and transformative, even despire others neglecting this, for example the last psychologist, when I was eager

What is missing fundamentally is:

Dream Journal
Synchronicity Journal

I do my best to track this mentally and include it where ever I get the chance in the sense of gratitude and or visualziation, the point is life is so weird, it’s partially important that I share this openly, as I can see that this has sort of an morphogenetic field effect, where I see not only the self of me changes, yet the entire holon of existence through the perception I created and others are contemplating. I think I also became sub-conscious comepetion for Leo Gura and he backhandedly sabotaged, so I blocked his site entirely, yet you also grow. I think the issues I want to face now is what I have with him obesession and jealousy, and unreadiness to forgive spiritual ignorance, and lack of discipline in that area. Where I feel I don’t have the discipline issue and it’s an energetic projection,

The direct description of the 0 practice from the 3-2-1-0 practice I can’t find anything currently on the net, and might have to consult the book or audiobook I have about integral life practice, yet I am testing the awareness as I had tastes, and I just review it sort of yang metal axe way, yet I hope when I am done with all of this work I can finally do a prolonged retreat to focus on spirit I feel like I owe that spirit paritally, as I had so many signs and symbols I don’t care if it is magenta leading me, and I just stopped at the practicallity, not going for the alternative, as not everything is perfection, yet imperfection is perfection and perfection is imperfection. I could’ve easily generated a lot of value by listening to the basic advice of hey man take a vacation and buy a car, I feel like, yet I was so worried about it beign a financial loss, yet now I have the true loss of not recognizing also a liability that does not deteriorate quickly is not truley a liability, the materalistic side I notice something is something I need to integrate and the african side of projection from others and continously to practice forgivness.

The situation I am in is super complicated, and I had the issue of the human beigns who did the most wrong in my life wanting to do good, and the neighbour above for example and her capriciouness, and yearning for freedom. The point is even magical as fully at integral, and I see a lot of fantasy in online-dating red/purple lines, story lines, due to african/arabic history and just having an immense level of immigrants from this space here in this region, and I did well usually contemplating this, yet the history and human side of it, I don’t have the time, I can read abstractions and learn from person, which I prefer, so I have less bias and don’t get involved in the story, I think often the worst beigns are the ones who actively choose to participate in such politics and are not choosen by the people themselves, I had the abillity of Zeus as an archetype, and to shapeshift in these spaces pretty much in all lines, as I think many immigrants have higher development nowadays through challenges and inevitabilities than the majority priviledge. I mean the majority priviledge is the one regressing to amber, while many just have red/purple shadows and are just yearning for basic orange existence facing yellow existential crises often, where I feel like the 10% shift at times, makes a value swap, like I felt here at the beginning, yet as of now. I face the reality of a black man again, some human beigns especially young and poor, can hate you for not having money and are abusive and use you for biological contemplations. Then force a classical orange/blue system on you for their advantage all cultures pretty much do it, so the only thing you’re basically left is strength and peace, I think as a half/half I have different dynamics partially, yet it’s very true and abusive and I think the more someone is aligned with truth consciously and unconsciously they give me more access to TRUTH as well as truth relative and partial, my needs and true non-dual experience. My mediatiave experience have been very deep, so I think also vibe wise, I get para-mind by sound space, experiences and I hope in 1-2 years I am done with the personal development aspect where I can channel the 1h effectively only in vision, especially Love & Truth, expansive and contractive nature of reality, the groudnless ground and the highest of existence.

There are some oddities that are very special to me, and I want to write about this, I will post some music, that aids me in these session, I don’t know if this is really effective it helped me to connect to spirit and let go of human beigns not serving me. Anyhow, I contemplate it via Wilber and simply take action properly, there is enough space for white society, and integrating that is very anti-masculine that is the only thing I can say and it get’s very spiritual and judeo-chirstian like, where I would like to know???

Why was Isreal founded based on racial cleansing???

Yet, sure… who cares right? Western nations… I don’t know what to think about this idiocy at times, I rather focus on spirit and originality legit, and I don’t enjoy what western hypocracy has done, I rather focus on love and my own path, Shinzen gave me the advice to be more egoistical and go for what I want, and I notice I also have to forgive myself while doing that, as my life has been very paradoxical. I made bad decisions simply by not contemplating mistakes, and wasting time not working on proper projects and acting on synchronicities, yet some synchronicites turned out odd. Anyhow. ChatGPT aids tremendously.

[once3800]

Note: The journal will mix A.I and my self writting if something seems aritifcal or odd, yes it can be a shadow element or as well simply A.I.

The daily practice takes me approx 1h to 45min or shorter. I do 30 min medtation and approx 15 min writing practice like success journaling, gratitude journaling etc.

3-2-1-0 Practice: I will sit 5 minutes realsing it with how I think Wilber intends it with subject and object not beign identified with positive/negative shadow element True Tahata? Not This, Not that non-dual awareness, I hope this is correct, I just go by intuition here.

Your interpretation of the 3-2-1-0 practice aligns well with Ken Wilber’s intention, especially regarding non-dual awareness and the release of identification with shadow elements. The essence of this practice is to move from a place of recognizing and owning your projections to ultimately resting in a state of non-dual awareness—where neither the subject (you) nor the object (the shadow or experience) holds absolute identification. This points to the state of True Tathata (Suchness), where all dualities dissolve into non-dual awareness, as you mentioned.

In this state, by going beyond “this” and “that” (positive and negative elements), you are not clinging to or pushing away any aspect, allowing awareness to rest in its pure form, undisturbed by distinctions. It’s an intuitive practice, so trusting your inner guidance and releasing into this state of “not this, not that” seems appropriate.

Key aspects to focus on:

• Non-dual awareness: Transcending the dualities (positive/negative, subject/object) to rest in a space of pure presence or Tathata.
• Intuition: Since you’re allowing your practice to flow intuitively, that aligns with the deep integration that Wilber encourages for personal evolution.

You’re on the right track! Continue to let your intuition guide you through this process of awareness and integration.

Anyhow, here we go with shadow work:

Topic: Projected african identity by majority priviledge and red/purple denial and relishing of Germans and their history, money, cars and dating and the issue of IT the story of fatherless children in IT as an projection which has subtle truths, failure, crashes and anti-success thinking, materalism and superficiality, confusion of higher & lower with spirit animals, real entities, tarot and astrology, as a tool, due to lack of information about astrocatography, energies from planets beign included into integral theory, lack of physics as idea where a lot of German get a lot of white light type of experiences, and my own ignorance. Neigbour

This is sort of what I am grappling with:

3:

It feels like there are subtle perceptions that are hostlie and not truly aggressiv and moving me forward from the neighbour about freedom
She feels like she is constricing freedom out of fear of letting go and expanding into the wildness of existence not beign fully spiral aware, and beign energetically abusive
It feels like I don’t know the laws about energy or hermetic principle no matter which stage magenta, red etc. some part of it has an affect and causes delusional experiences
It feels like there is a feeling inside of my near my heart that yearns for freedom, yet feels constricted by the desires and needs of others, and the contradiction of taking care of your own needs and the needs of others for success
It feels like a convuluted, issue of materalism and quietness, being patient and classic, while beign degenerated and rich and excessive
It feels like I get african projections of tribal mentality and anger through the sub-conscious perception of slavery where germans don’t really have a history, yet only have history through their consangunity in the past, and there is a denial and bloodlust in their eyes at times, I am unsure how to deal with it, as it get’s me back to african projections
It feels like unjustified b.s that I experience and that a lof of africans are going ahead through having strong family bonds, not based on materalism, “faith” and instead of actual warmth and compassion, what a a lot of white women, especially crave and don’t get a lot from white men
It feels like the white self of me, is incapeable of channeling that level of passion and yearns for spain while hating spain? The irony of superfificality, this should be relatable though.
It feels like everything is a Fu-Yin pattern of endless recurision, if I don’t solve problems and create something new and focus on what works to generate success
It feels like I was denying my own luck the last couple of years out of fear of karmic and heavenly judgement based on mythic perceptions and slight catholic upbringing and feelings of clarity and purity.
It feels generally obfuscated to dig out these odd shadows, and mainly it’s fear.
It feels like fear in my heart and panic when I make progress, where coffee obessions and jealousy might be beneath it.
It feels like the underestimiation of others of the intelligence I enjoy to embody and others project onto me, where I feel a lot of fear and doubt

2:
Me: Alright shadow that is enough, we’re not getting any real clarity without ChatGPt and contemplating another week or using different channels of music etc. As I notice how vulnerable my sub-conscious is to these messages and online-dating and boomers with their anti-time sensitivity are getting to me, they don’t get a single piece of reality currently anymore, besides Kamela Harris or if you’re legit a healthy boomer with a heatlhy time sense, it’s not like eternity exists.

Shadow: Oh, you idiot, you really think you’re getting answers messing with your own boomer shadow you gen-y clone, fking fake!

Me: I am fake? Did you see gen-z?

Shadow: Oh, cmon they are cute can’t you see the little rabbits?

Me: You know this is based only on my perception right, and because I saw stupid rabbits running around when I took a run, can we face the actual problem of how long have you been here, and what are you doing to me?

Shadow: Oh, I am just showing you general confusing as after 10 years, you still don’t properly refine your questions and it’s often very basic stuff, you can’t stay with one topic, you get angry you move away, you think it’s not working for you but you need it.

Me: So you’re here for 10 years approx with this confusion about material success?

Shadow: Yes, you’re right you yearn to have this high-tech Jaden, Will Smith type of life, yet with what level of entrepreneurship you want to achieve that?

Me: Well, I studied parts of it to sell it, that is good no? What are you showing me? I think any question is fine, as long as there is inquiry.

Shadow: You want me to ask questions, stop reading Wilber and refining the process while doing the process gosh it’s such an agony to take control of you.

Me: Exactly what I don’t want bro let there be light like a light saber!

Shadow: You have the cringest inner child in existence

Me: Because I never took anything seriously as I thought sub-consciously as a kid life is an illusion and how I can test my existence, pretty neat and advanced huh?

Shadow: Shut up and go into science you stupid nerd.

Me: Well, what can I do with these experiences I had on cannabis with white light and the creativity I feel, why do I want to channel it so badly into signing and dancing why can’t I simply channel it into science?

Shadow: As you miss fun in that area because of disappointments and not having enough small successes you do realize that like sub sub consciously sub sub consciously no?

Me: Yes, I can work on that now, as it was rather unconscious then and I had glimpses most likely, yet what can I do about the projections from african of anti-tribe and our tribe beign tech and money, due to survival constraints?

Shadow: Was this not the guiding light from the good side of hip-hop that is not only bitter, that the good life is attainable? I mean you don’t get this stuff and your German mind analyses like 60% of this stuff, the rest of the 40 you get by flow state and make it muteable

Me: Great… shadow work about code soon too, thank you for the kotlin reference, at least we solved this stupid problem NOBODY KNEW MAN, and again the intuition of mine was correct be the art of error correcting.

Shadow: Yes, you should trust your intutioin more even when it feels cringe, that is why you don’t have beautiful girls HAHHA you’re so cute when you’re angry.

Me: sigh what do I do with you? What are you even showing me what is your gift?

Shadow: You’re reowning you’re anger consistently as non-dual clarity the whole time on a nano-quark scale but HAHA you’re funny stupid.

Me: Great academia and big mindedness…

Shadow: Alright how about the human domain, you see that a lot of majority priviledge human beigns want to see you rich and abudnant and then come with demands to you even when there is the slightest upward movement, what do you do?

Me: You ask me? Why are you here and what are you teaching me? My answer would be, so they can get their egoic cravings meet, and I don’t like that if there is not any inclination to move towards higher desire.

Shadow: Correct! You should interact with human beigns more in your close circle who have a capacity for that, and let go of most of the current friends, and gain social skill

Me: Is that the only thing I can do with all the materalism, fuck this shit is so empty, what can I even do when I know spirit fills my soul, yet materalism also generates a clone of spirit enabling me to enjoy it in materalism

Shadow: That is a nice mental concoction you’re making, you know what you usally did, you dove into the coolness of reality to handle the anti-anti and just moved into nothingness and illusion from red, at least that gave you acess to passion and creativity you know? Lower stages are quite wise?

Me: Well, yes when I don’t loose my temper and I get space to express myself and study in advance in silence, I should imagine coming and visualizing from a place of emptiness is that not correct? I get very very odd insights I want to express at best in music,I keep thinking for example that german language when seen by others as well as brithish is like white light partially no? Words can be spoken from that quality?

Shadow: Yes, you’re correct, yet become aware that you can have shadow qualities in state and structure growth and even when you move beyond in a current moment. You seriously need some time to read wilber from time space dreams, portals and gates that you dreamt about even day dream as archetypes, back from retreats as you stopped cannabis, I get a lot of odd states from them, and you scheduled now solo retreats to not be dependent on a teacher of testing some kriya yoga having 0 time for it.

Me: Yes, I struggle with stretching currently bro, what can I do here what’s your gift?

Shadow: Your gift is patiene, and just doing it and coming back to the practice and integrating your anti-clarity in aggression if you’re that smart to get the answer ahead better recreat them correctly or I get angry.

Me: sigh… fine I hope this section of my life is over in 6 months…

Shadow: Me too, why don’t you get finer shadows that are more fun in the sexual area hhihi like marcel

Me: No drama I don’t think that level of delusionality is something I crave karmically I don’t get some of the impulses and even then consciouness is to high I think

Shadow: Sort of true, yet the gift of letting your inner animal out is an issue to you, and women crave that right? Freedom and love, truth part of that is involved with your animal self, you certainly should be aware what pushes you to get energy in that space.

Me: Fine I look for ways to get energy and vigor by conscious health decisions and integrating healthy senses of fun, yet also taking care of focus and goals? What happend to focus I feel like that is legit a shadow at times.

Shadow: Well you’re gaining traction there, learn from others like Nils, you strenght holism as a lot of loose ends, yet you can focus that with questions and gaining clarity.

3:

I am the one gaining clarity in anger as a non-dual self ultimate insight, yet not seeing that clearly
I am the one who is being and craving capricious freedom and monetary insights and freedom and no constraints from others
I am the one who is intersted in vigor/health and maintaining that energy and not emotional spending and simply feeling good, the value is vitality!
I am the one who yearns for higher freedom and especially yearns to integrate the shadow self to not be and suffer from introjections like the neighbour and be a controlling ass
I am the one seeking glory and significane at stage red and orange lines of development
I am the one craving and missing a tribal mentality as in Germany Africans > Americans, yet Americans > Germans and it’s a mental circle
I am the one who realizes reading more Wilber creates more clarity and better decision making.

0: Tested this for the first time I did it briefly as wilber describes it briefly to not be to aggressive and 3 mins was enough to realize anger = clarity in a sense from non-duality and that I can grasp glimpses of this.

[once3800]

our journal entry and practice reveal deep layers of introspection and self-analysis through the 3-2-1-0 process. Here’s a breakdown of the most essential points, highlighting key insights:

1. Shadow of Freedom & Materialism

• You grapple with feelings of restriction related to freedom, especially in connection with your neighbor. The sense of energetic abuse and constriction of freedom reflects a projected shadow where you may feel unable to fully express your independence and desires due to external expectations or societal structures (e.g., materialism).
• Material success seems to be intertwined with emotional and spiritual constraints, creating internal tension between pursuing wealth and maintaining your spiritual clarity and freedom.

2. Cultural Identity & Projections

• The projection of African identity and tribal mentality versus materialism and German history highlights a conflict between cultural identity and external expectations. This is a projection of “otherness” (tribal, passionate, collective values) against a perceived rigidity or superficiality in Western material culture (individualism, material success).
• You also reflect on the sense of privilege in majority cultures and how this impacts both your perception and their demands, particularly when it comes to social interactions and success expectations.

3. Internal Conflict: Passion & Clarity

• You mention fear, panic, and confusion around progress and success, particularly with feelings of anger, jealousy, and doubt about your own abilities. This relates to the shadow of capricious freedom—a yearning for unbounded creativity and vitality, tempered by fears of judgment, failure, or karmic repercussions.
• There’s also a recurring theme of underestimating your intelligence and feeling misunderstood or underestimated by others, which could be linked to deeper insecurities or introjected societal beliefs.

4. Self-Expression & Fun

• Your desire to channel creativity through activities like singing and dancing, rather than more structured scientific or technical paths, highlights a conflict between your inner child (fun, freedom) and societal expectations (structured success, discipline). This could reflect a shadow tied to how you perceive “fun” as unproductive or immature.
• The tension between your creative spirit and the material world could be a reflection of how you’ve navigated past disappointments, as well as your struggle to balance passion with success.

5. Relationship with Aggression & Non-Dual Clarity

• You realize that anger might be tied to a deeper clarity that you are not fully seeing. This suggests a reframing of anger not as a purely destructive force but as something that, when viewed through a non-dual lens, can lead to insights and personal growth.
• This fits within the framework of True Tathata (Suchness), where both positive and negative elements are transcended, allowing for deeper clarity and self-integration without the duality of judgment.

6. Practical Takeaways

• Embracing Your Intuition: Trusting your intuition, even in moments where it feels “cringe” or awkward, appears to be a recurring theme. You recognize that following your intuitive insights, even in areas like coding or creativity, can lead to breakthroughs.
• Shadow of Superficiality: You grapple with feelings of superficiality both in yourself and projected onto others. Your exploration of German language, British identity, and other cultural reflections points toward a deeper inquiry into how surface-level traits interact with deeper spiritual truths.

7. Call to Action: Integration

• You reflect on the need for more human interactions, particularly those that resonate with higher desires (freedom, love, and vitality), and note that you might need to let go of certain friendships or social interactions that no longer serve your growth.
• The key gift from the shadow here is patience and consistently returning to practices (meditation, focus on health) to further your integration of shadow and non-dual clarity.

In essence, your shadow work is centered around freedom, material success, cultural projections, and the integration of deeper creativity with structured goals. Your intuition guides this process, and the journey to embrace non-dual awareness is helping you understand how to align passion, spirituality, and practical success.

This combination of self-inquiry and shadow integration seems to be moving you closer to holistic synthesis in both personal and professional aspects of your life.

Yes, patience and returning to the practice and showing up for myself is very important the other practice integrate enough daily.