As it also does not seem bothering till now, I might post some personal stuff, I’d be open to share in an integral setting or just generally already share, as I don’t have the finances anymore to afford a membership, as life in europe is not very economically friendly, and I have to find ways to create more money.
I work in tech as an engineer/developer etc. and I am studying for my masters degree after several people died and I got injured etc. I hope these posts are contemplative for others also, as they give me a lot of solace currently, and this place also, it also bothers me to store my notes. Also sort of as a representative of Europe and the U.S as I have both citizenships, my situation is just unique and integral just delivers answer after answer after answer, and I can create system after system after system. I am legit worried for retirement now, yet I should be fine I was born lucky in a sense, yet my medical condition with arthirthis and beign super fit just a mental headache at times, and I really want to move to the U.S as I get more money and can take better care of my health, the systems here… my last boss wanted me to work within some health care project, yet I was a bit offended due to discrimination and the strong Orange/green character of the company “claiming yellow” while only one person imo was yellow with strong german bias in individuality which I don’t get as we’re a collective oriented society, and the issue of this working with others it was horrible that from the elite university TU Munich a girl was so consens oriented and thinks it’s the higest form of communication and taking extra care of me, while I was sitting there thinking fuck I am wasting time I am not learning A.I, fuck I am wasting time I am not learning A.I then we did some stuff, and I had green consenus guidance and me coming from the “weaker” university chaning to an elite university, I had such a different opinion and the social skills of the girl were bad and she was the type to admit it also I bet, I somehow could not handle what we were doing and she and the boss were in constant agreement, while providing 0 guidance and just getting their own success (stage orange type of shadow?) in the end she left the project as she was unable to solve the stuff, and the new guy from the worse university who was just a systematic genius solved everything and provided the proper guidance and conncetion needed. It was so odd beign blamed for stuff and their so called “social skills” as a majority priviledge, idk it was very odd they even denied very simple solutions, and I thought wow this is just stupid nobody of you knows A.I you all want the stuff from my lectures, my lectures are fking Caltech level lectures, this company is a fking joke in what they are doing, and all you do is glory, vacation and food, why not move me to the tech project, from the German state as I legit have experience in unsupervised learning and that type of mathematics and coding, so I can learn, yet that did not happen etc. It was horrible in my pov and a childs joke of a company, when I saw their code and how many systems they implemented and deemed valid. It was rampant with dysfunctional integration of ideas, and just procrastination of students and their work.
Now I switched companies and work more in the domain what I learned during my bachelors including A.I and Ta-da! Me as a Gemini might have the chance to work with Gemini and I love android coding, nobody really knows where this software system is established in, like scanners at your local supermarket, smart tv’s, wearables watches etc. and I freaking love data, it was very odd seeing both high ends of the past company and it’s low end, as well as how people make money as a coder. As I learned different stuff and tbh my coding is not very good in terms of competitive coding, and I don’t like it either that way, as I enjoy a more creative drive and I hope I can nuture that, as I just self-sabotage to much at times. Anyhow the videos from Dr.Keith Witt and CoreyDevos have been a constant companion for me during my bachelors and while I was in psychotherapy and I included information from there IIRC and my psychologist reacted very well, the point is I wanted to work with “harder” modalities aka psychdelics and cannabis there was even a talk now here in Germany, as they struggle with the legalisation ( I see why after the break up with my ex and we both smoked cannabis lovely!, yet fuck experience and data is missing and tbh. the European way with tobacco mixing herion with cannabis is at times like not smart, I had to quit tobacco after this and now my favorite health coach Paul Check even uses it, but consciously!! with a vape due to the nicotine research I bet etc.)
I found ways to connect back to that timeline of where I felt healthy psychology and a building process and focus more on synchrodestiny type of experiences, in the last relationship I was to afraid, yet most of my synchronistic experiences are so wu-wu, and I would need to explain stuff with human desgin, as I apparently am a manifesting generator and as metal or monkey whatever in chinese metaphysics I am also apparently responsible for creating new changes in the world that seem childish similar to fire horse, and I have a double rooting in my day stem double metal Yang Geng Metal 庚, I am having billions of insights each day due to this, and the information corey is sharing and creating is fantastic and I am very thankful and grateful!! I created my own structure after doing courses in personal development that I can follow each day, and I take integral modalities and questions and weave them in and out into this, I started this a week ago and I am following Alex Hormonzi as a current role model as relationships for young people are hard, it’s mostly apperance and doing not beign, the more beign you include the more serious the relationship seem to get the more easily they move out of, even my psychologist had issues and talked about them and ironically these two occupations law/psychology are causing me trouble, she was a 3w2 or 4w3 and my last relationship was with a 3w2, I showed her the integral modalities, yet after the book presnetation of women can’t read maps… like fuck I had a realization where I hope I am allowed to be sexist due to skin color, as idk wtf is happening if Sidra Kahn is alive and arab/muslim women are coming after me, and I don’t get this planetary devastation of depth about the universe, like the level of contemplation is beyond in contrast to the pagan orientation of most majority priviledge ppl, like the universe and planets are so fast included, tarot, occult etc. it’s insane dating arabish/turkish women and there is a high openness generally speaking, also under black folk imo, at least at higher green and orange/Green levels of development.
I am fascinated by this and I hope I can contribute some stuff even here as a comment, as I would’ve loved to have had a competent psychologist such as Dr.Keith Witt and my old psychologist as they both would’ve said to me I’d believe you’re fine work on your communication and anger stuff, and you can get what you want and I enjoy improving relationships and it sort of has been an oddity of me, yet I realized after contemplating BaZi having lived in China denying myself seeing a feng-shui master after beign invited (rare to see them…) and now doing Feng-Shui !!! like … even in Key Glock (rapper) sings about this shit.
It’s to odd, I love the universe and I hope I can be on a better trace of abundance and include the spiritual aspect of development and find a girl that is willing to work, do retreats and have children and not to neglect the spiritual consciouness growth aspect as this topic with women, is annoying as idk what it is I don’t want children, yet I seem to attract women who want children, yet I only want children if she is capeable of accepting the level of depth I yearn for in my spiritual practice otherwise I go solo all the way that is decided 100%. I sometimes don’t do well reading subtle cues, yet 5 children without beign like a millionair is an insane task I wish and the girls who are attracted to me, idk I might have to change my picture marketing on tinder etc. yet I presume this is because I am high in compassion.
I get the joy of consciously raising children… yet my vision is more tranquil and peaceful… not as hectic and extroverted with 5 children… and I don’t enjoy the glee of extroverts at times, and idk I wish my ex would’ve realized to go slow, yet I also was to intense with my passion and love for her and I focused to much on the connection and not vision, which seems to be a consistent issue, due to 10 billion reasons, idk if I can have a girlfriend as I get a lot of feminine qualities at times due to developing masculine qualities and I am also just confused, what belongs to what. For e.g I thought the feelings I have around my vision were feminine qualities, yet the transcendental vision after skimming intimate communion from Deida is a masculine quality!! And we clashed at Green, due to me not practicing meditation (I needed rest from a new diagnosis and the deaths within my family… I broke down and healed now… but whatever…) and we had vision clashes, the point is these women arabic and islamic, consistenly go for black men … sorry… for bias… because they embody masculine traits and femine traits at times… they want themselves and see in themselves, the relationship was rather good, yet it’s like a life style excuse and idk how much cheating seems to happen, yet the bias and discrimination from the majority priviledge with life style and materalism baits, are odd it’s very odd. I don’t get it. Obviously, I am leaving out nuances, yet just reading Coreys map I get 10x insights into what I can do and create as idk just my 7 characteristic of the ennea is evoked and tbh I had more dates writting in my profile I am interested in integral psychology, than writing the tips I see on the internet this has been something that has been boterhing me as well, yet you could easily map and create stages of development in dating based on pictures and interest and attract that type of guy or girl, nowadays with the freedom these tools provide. Also these girls mostly than had integral qualities, I joined a player/game group and got roasted endlessly about beign a lost case, due to injuriy and stuff like this and typing to much etc. Yet it’s part of me and I don’t do it consciously at times, and already reduced tons of it… now I got so pissed after the good guy who roasted me perfectly like a drill sergent, yet the whole group exploded and yes he was toxic at times, yet it was the right kind of toxicity that is not discriminatory, yet shows the dark side of women and girls at times… like holy cow… buying tickets to ferrari places showing how monetarily oriented girls are to an extrem, I would give most guys more leeway many are happy with a decent girl. I am not I am appaled currently I contemplate beauty a lot and I score to high and received to many compliments etc. as a kid etc. it was an eye-opener I was treated like a women in beauty, now I break their heart. That is how it feels, because I am more in love with myself and I should make them more aware, and I notice the self-hatred that is still in me, based on conditioning as most of these compliments even as a kid I thought wow fuck that is superfical can you leave me alone? After accepting them more and internalizing them more I’ve accepted the love my physical apperance apparently can provide even though it’s bothering me at times, and I would enjoy loosing myself in the beauty of someone elses eyes…
I’ve read some stuff about racism or whatever where they are saying black ppl are stupid or whatever because they don’t have any light in their eyes, I am not big on black history it’s to triggering for me as I have German ancestors my entire vagus explodes with rage and I have to be thankful for stuff at a psychopathic level it’s not fun. I cope most likely with anime villians…lol and the heros obviously!!
The first time I had sex with my ex I was shocked her eyes were full of lust and I contemplated a new audiobook about the enneagram about 8’s her mother is an 8 and all she saw was lust, and I asked myself the question even if lust is not love, lust should lead to love to some level due to compassion and just initmacy, and I opened basically her eyes just having “mindful sex” I had no idea what I was doing, yet she became addicted and the sex was seemingly quite healing, until she realized the issue I saw before… yo my beauty standards are very high… and I can’t properly take care of myself in this country as it’s legit missing products and marketing for black people, the shit that makes you happy I can create tremendous amount of contempt, if you buy certain products or think XYZ is good for me without giving me rational scientific evidence at orange, or even facts. Anyhow… at the end her eye lit up and I think she realized that she as a women can bring in light, yet I doubt she sees at as deep of a purpose as she is addicted to family and has shadows etc. but she auto heals through dancing and art? So idk wtf is even happening I have never seen this. Most humans have never seen a relationship like this half turkish german girl with half american german guy (black & white) and I noticed this in the world… our dynamic was unique etc. I partially miss it, yet I am glad that I am out of their shadow and corruption zone. as my fking bike got stolen (briefly before we’ve meet) her ex had a criminal history both of them and one was even with the police and yeah did some damage to her genetelia that is irreversible… most likely… and I had such an anger protective vibe and I am still appaled against the system now, just fully betting on A.I as I don’t think at times humans are conscious enough… and I start to resent them for hurting such a beautiful beign… then again you could roast me from 10 angles, yet I don’t quite comprehend why it’s such an issue to see the feminine as divine, and what is the boundary of woreshipping her and just seeing her as divine, as I notice I have to see this in myself first otherwise I am simping, hence activing my inner divine female qualities while having stable divine masculin qualities. These are all still buzzwords to some extend, as I just listend to a lot of content and I benefit from reading and taking notes. I feel ready again after going through trauma healing to work on integrating healthier aspecets of my ego I had to neglect at 26 because of death, trauma and just exhaustion from experimenting. The more I take care of stage beige aspects of biology the better I can include this information about relationships and engage in healthier ones…
When I contemplate the map we we’re both good at Beign Togehter and Doing Togehter (LL and LR quadrant), yet had discreprancies in UL Being and UR Doing as for me I did not enjoy her UL in terms of family and the attachment to money, and I realized my family history a bit through this… and UR Doing where I struggle to keep my word, as I sabotage unconsciously the relationship if I don’t see the other as worthy, and this was mostly due to me not meditating anymore I don’t do this when I meditate and attune to myself, and idk where this stems from it is most likely a defense mechanism from beign discriminated… the point is… i am an INFJ and a holistic process oriented human beign in contrast to seeing ENFJ’s and INTP’s and their brain scans with (more or less cheap… eeg’s idk I am not an expert) and their judgement causes heavy distorients and imbalances, and even if they are right, they are so narccistically self-involved it will cause them more damage, and every process oriented holistic person knows this, and would know that they need to move out of the relationship at one point, as a judgmenet is like an obstacle or a hurdle you jump over to a more process oriented brain… and I was raised mostly by women, so I should be even more process oriented, as I’ve never been judged heavily in my life luckily, yet still a lot of small T traumas that causes annyoing responses (shadow light gave insight).
Also the point of men not listening and women not reading maps (I am not cheating and entering this in ChatGPT tbh, I did not like Cook-Greuters analysis about ChatGPT and I had very conscious teal type conversations with ChatGPT questioning wilber stuff and teaching the model like a child… a bit but fine… my German bias against her would be endless. I appreciate her research, yet I don’t enjoy status drive construct aware humans how I call them, as they seemingly instanitate wrong archetypes at times, where I feel intutively pissed idk how to call this, yet I hope I can get into Jung and Freud to some level more deeper. Also just family wise I don’t enjoy the past tense orientation of German speaking countries I prefer the ESTP type american country as it’s just better for processes and relationships than the introverted “feminization at times” of men I feel and I don’t enjoy it, I don’t feel manly or strong in europe with many men, and this is by energy and experience mostly!!! Not physical apperance etc. european men and people are very bitter and jealous, yet they strive more for their survival imo, while americans are more decadent and wild. Anyhow I am learning this I doubt the average stage green human you meet here is ready for this work, as they have to integrate shadow more than any other stage imo, as they are sensetive and regressing to amber to often and just incapeable of having a solid relationship that is not imo dysfunctional to some extend, as it will cause sexual issues and tensions, and I am pretty sure cheating etc. will happen or some open form of a relationship until a more teal approach is included, anyhow I am leaving it at that and learning about the horizions sorry for the long posting and typing, I am currently so done and still need like a year or so of relaxation and recovering after the deaths within my family and the injuriy… yet this is giving me a lot of freedom to move to such a space. Thank you very much!!
