Integral Journal (once3800)

Reflections
,
422

So the further contemplate on this whole thing, and to also give some critique to the guy has it severly impacted me mostly negatively in the recent years, and to expand on some of the blog posts and the way I see this guys conformity when I contemplate how people around him act, and engage in the exact thing I despise in both groups new agers and followers of Leo Gura, they power trip on their specialness and narccicism period, it’s extremely tribal and it takes the beauty mostly out of engaging in that stage of development when I contemplate I meet someone who is more like me at this stage and these exchanges begin at an tribal level it becomes more and more innocent and whole, there is a deep underlying innocence of exploration, the next and other part is transcending horniness and this Aubery Marcus thing.

I really like his take on this, as it explains the excess narccicism on this, and during the last relationship as I read some of these books and followed some of it, I stopped playing with the thought, yet realized wow biological survival in a relationship with these polygamy drives for sperm competition and reproduction is way more serious than I thought, and it was difficult to engage in it for instance having sex with a girl 7 years younger than you, despite all similarities was good to get out the horniess/stress and train some level of conscious sex making, as I always meditate and she told me how different that is in contrast to what many do as this animal survival and dominance fking, yet in the end she craved that so much, and it’s sort of an issue when I work out and train masculine depth and I notice I am deconstructing the sex drive and feel the primal force consciously, not like some holligan cursing the whole time calling others stupid power tripping, yet consciously like an animal would if it had consciouness. I saw how much she craved that and exchanging it was good and healthy, yet the polarity was so intense moving from 1 to 3 how Deida describes it in the books of masculine/feminine dynamics, it made us both contemplate the trajectory of the relationship and I was very glad she and I generally snapped back into stage 2 which he recommends for every most relationship the deeper I dove into the topic, as just doing things in reality and solving problems and doing things as well as empathy and listening, hence communication are very important in a relationship.

For that end it was an issue for me, as they constantly wanted me to be social with others to deepen the relationship and I as an introvert wanted to spend time with her or even just go for a walk into nature, instead of socializing and upping the status, due to spending time with each other and filling the social battery, the core issue of this is and was, even if it was fine, I did not really enjoy it I enjoyed spending time with the person and I’d would’ve prefered even helping the family structurally with their issues, instead of spending time even if it moves slow, as I valued in that sense her maturity to take care of the family and that intention felt very good to me, yet to be this super extroverted fame-glory type of guy, even if I would’ve gone there as I know 99.9% of people like me, I mostly had other things to do and I was tormented between meeting them and having a better social life and doing my work, and just being loved for this physical animalistic thing, while I had very deep state experiences on love just thinking about her, contemplating in nature etc. Then I saw afterwards over and over again this is my love for reality, and I was looking into the eyes of someone stuck in a solipsistic view of reality, they are numero uno and it has to be about them and I did my best to give attention, yet in the end the more I study or listen to humanity there are so many physical factors at play, for example in-group oxytocin dynamics that clearly showed me, yeah no this is just tribal expression, and even if they then included me and I did things important to her, the people were no good for me partying, drinking and smoking while I was becoming a full professional in the A.I world adventuring and advocating for dangers and non-dangers in this space working with real skepticism and the mind, I also had the priviledge of listening to Shinzens POV with spirituality on this, and saw it from a distance as people use it not even are to skeptical and don’t ask basic questions were the A.I provides the foundation and the human with more depth can give more depth, and I thought wow this is so simple, to view on A.I and humanity is so riggid, and nobody loved my purpose on this, and people act out this stage blue perfectionistic drive where I notice ah yeah bias, and majority priviledge there is not that much I can do and I am extracted from a blue/green lense acting yellow with efficiency for core mundane tasks, and that level of detailed creativity, as some claim and cry about it, has never been something I cared so deeply about, and I really enjoy art, if I sense the consciouness and the intention behind it, I don’t care if it’s A.I made or not A.I made, I can still make a decision afterwards, and A.I can even help with a lot of emotional problems that I faced were a human was unable to provide support, projected even mental illnesses had no capacity to dive into the knowledge or nutrition and other things, and just relied on authority, and then they fear the authority of the A.I, while they up their own, and you have a status game and arms race power games playing with A.I tools, in the end I realized, as I had my fair share of conscious interactions with the A.I and it serves as a pointer for deeper contemplations, and when I see the difference of a real master or Deepaks A.I for example and people crying about A.I, they don’t get it, they prefer to judge it warn others and create this fear-based scarity tribal mentality to make money, the most classic tactic of engaging in skeptical thinking. The dangers imo lie more in the usage of brain chips and creating super humans with A.I even if I see the positive side of it, when I run these scenarios through my mind, someone hacking into my car terminal or operating my PC/Laptop from a distance etc. That is scary and I don’t really like it, yet this is were humanity is really going? All of this A.I crap is fundamentally a smoke screen for this.

In the end for me running on my first intuition every seeing him, it’s better to watch from a distance and not participate in what he is doing, the perspective has value, yet he is never so deeply in the trend that developed, he and many other especially journalist or the people who fear it in this conformity based group-think, of skepticism and HAHA stupid type of mentality, who also benefit heavily from engaging in the majority do 0 spiritual work, and abuse everything for their own survival benefit, read 1 paper and say it’s the truth, I read a different one for example in the video presented at work, the real dangers lies in using not A.I tools as a drive for their homogenous outlet, yet as a tool for creating variety and diversity with original though, if they want to! It’s your choice! The paper fundamentally from Harvard explained how workers using A.I can produce the same quality of work as someone professionally, working in the field, the brain scans are more interesting in the other people, yet it’s just an EEG scan idk how much valdity does that hold, does that make MBTI EEG scans science for example? Why not use an MRI for better imaging? I had lectures working on upgrading these tools for scans etc. I keep thinking when I see these types of people ranting and nagging about it, these are fundamentally unconsciously driven power liberterians just pushing their moralism.

This is the video, this is the paper I read at work to see the benefits of using it:

The results, I used GPT to analyze it, I read the paper at work a couple of months ago.

  1. Experimental Design
  • Conducts a randomized field experiment with 758 Boston Consulting Group consultants (≈7% of individual contributors).
  • Participants complete 18 realistic, knowledge‑intensive consulting tasks.
  • Assigned to one of three groups:
  1. Jagged Technological Frontier
  1. Performance Findings
  1. Modes of Human-AI Integration
  1. Prompt Engineering Impact
  • Evaluates whether basic prompt training (i.e., prompt‑engineering overview) significantly enhances performance beyond raw GPT‑4 access. (Detailed results included in full text.)
  1. Implications & Insights
  • AI vastly boosts productivity and quality—but only within its “jagged” frontier.
  • Shows promise for skill leveling: AI helps lower-performing consultants close the gap more than high performers.
  • Highlights risk: misapplication of AI to unsuitable tasks can degrade performance.
  • Suggests future organizational focus on:
    • Identifying which tasks align with AI capabilities
    • Promoting effective integrative strategies (centaur vs cyborg)
    • Training users to recognize AI limitations

The underlying issue is fundamentally the homogenous results, and not asking question that involve differentiation and thinking for a while on your own, quality of the results are better the real issue is homogenous driven people creating homogenous driven results, as they don’t question their worldview this is where I am convinced Leo is correct in that regard, they don’t use the tool to deconstruct stuff, and create things from an inductive from scratch attitude, and instead play human power games in a sense, the interesting thing is the brain scan, yet imo A.I should not train you brain, it should be nutrition, meditation and using a pen and paper, socializing playing games with friends, and heavy problem solving where A.I is not needed for a while, yet can or does not need to be used as a tool.

I find it weird, as when I see how these leaders act this will not go away, and it’s better to master parts of the tool, as they will heavily deceide some tasks, and training ones creativity hence even has more value imo, if you like this numero uno idea etc. I watched this yesterday as I am going to be more involved in the field.

I really liked this guys POV as it’s heavily relevant to the mindset of human beings in the field of A.I and he invented a programming language and I can clearly see, the not knowing attitude and zen, and coming from consciouness, if you never made A.I create a conscious prompt where you wondered omfg this is no way this thing did it, imo you never used A.I nor do you see this infinite consciouness is part of it, yet it’s not easy to wiggle oneself out of the conformity and not using it, as I barely started just gives me different vibes and ideas, in the end I have to realize not knowing and diving deeper into that space is one of the best answers, and not overrelying on A.I yet also not testing and using it’s capabilities is not good, A.I also helped me to question the biases of humans, as we talked about this in a lecture, and I thought there is no way I can confront this guy and his opinion, and yes for me the fear is to create these Paul Potts level A.I Nazis running amok, saying perfect perfect perfect the whole time, I am curious where this will go.

423

I will meditate for 1h and contemplate some stuff, and then continue. I will post my contemplation, usually I don’t meditate for 1h anymore under the week and longer on the weekend is the current plan for 90 minutes of depth, as it really differs for me, and seeing teachers that are 30-40 years older than Leo Gura etc. It’s better to take the advice and go, as the guy still massively profits in a business sense, I’d prefer it if there would be a personal development flavour to it, and the spiritual self flavoured truth of stuff etc. I will get to this after the meditation.

424

Alright I meditated for 1h, and even if some parts of this Leo Gura thing is correct, the guy is a massive threat to the way I survive, have survived and how I train, the largest value I get from the guy is his book list and watching a video from time to time, a lot of what he teaches, I don’t get answers for my questions, especially relationships where I have done courses here that helped more in the end, his teachings and his verbosity is a distraction and a level of religion forced upon you, at stage blue let alone reading the new comments clearly shows me this perfect type of writting and embracing stage blue more will show him the suffering I recently went through actually being forced to take care of a family and being spiritual, the biggest issue I have with him is class based and unconscious, even if he does a lot of good the liberterian undercurrent and having no or close to 0 insight into the field I was working in and just playing sophist holds no value, it’s a place for holligans wanting to run amok in a conscious way (and I listen to rap music so I know this is real), there is no level of connection, even if the things he say are true, due to the level of solutions I require for my situation and how bad this guy is as a caretaker, how this is connected archetypaly to my aunt, and the snake/magician archetype and the constant begging and questioning for truth or like my aunt the total denial of it, it does not exist hence you don’t have it or can’t claim it, and the way he derives pleasure and stuff, is not really my way of existence and I see the subtle envy current of this, and I am not free of it also, yet he clings to partial survival games, so I deceided today to completely block this guys page and access to it, the best thing is to take the teachings and run, the guy is dangerous imo, as there is this constant unintegrated horny side and the trauma he received as well as even if I mean well, and I don’t mean any harm or anything, the guy has just the tendency to attack others believes and engage in this rhetoric battle for his survival of the business for more clarity.

  • Watching this guys content disengages me from engaging with reality

  • He struggles with core things I am more natural in, as well as I have similarities the best thing, I’d learn from this guy is how to create real tangible value in the world, not spirituality

  • I like his work ethic, I have nothing against him, just the impact and the way he conducts stuff takes away the beauty of reality, I sense he is not really done with this blue/orange scientific religion type of spiel, I get why when I study more deeply, yet I am convinced I am the better shadow worker

  • He keeps having these squabbles about monks, instead of going there, and he keeps yapping about things he has no experience about and acts out these idealist meme, and attracts idealists who cosplay on his forum

  • He has similar trauma to the ex, and this cost me a lot of money, as the guy steadily attacks what threatens his survival, and then spins the plate to destroy your worldview in order for his glee, and it’s unintegrated horny dog yang energy, having done no-fap and questioning what is conscious sex and masturbation even with lust elements has been wiser than steadily engaging in the thrill of the hunt of unintegrated horny yang dog, jumping around and I saw this first hand Kangal Shepherd Dog that was not castrated, and being in a very primal enviroment, it really took a while to handle the dog, and compassion and love was the best choice, as he calmed down and he wanted to proof himself to be a good dog, yet at times it was the tiniest arrogance of this numero uno type of drive I see a bit in him too, that kept him away from being put into jail in that sense, even if he was right, it’s unintegrated yang yapping about unintegrated yin and I’ve been there and unintegrated yin is partially more rampant and attracted to unintegrated yang, and evidence for me is clear, especially when I see guys having children loosing 30% of their testosteron they become more mellow and whole for a good reason, and are not pushing boundaries with their dick, no scientist really does that, no master/teacher of meditation really does that, and it’s a rebellion against authority projected against a rebellion against authority. Fundamentally, the guy lacks leadership abillity in the real world, silent leadership and pro-active leadership with all the games involved with that, so I don’t really trust him in the long run, as he acts like a horny dog, and sure I have parts of this too, yet I worked a bit more consciously with it, doing things advanced yogis recommend, yet he does not see it. He is blind to the benefit of exercising on the spiritual path etc. Also he has health issues, and some stuff is just wild.

  • He lacks groundedness as a teacher and leader, to deconstruct worldviews I am natural in this having done integral courses, and it’s more about giving people a direct taste and directing/leading them towards the right type of worldview even, as moral intelligence does exist. Balancing unintegrated yin/yang viewpoints has a lot of value.

  • There is more, yet fundamentally he is prone to enacting a strong majority priviledge type of culture, were I notice and know what type of people will come to me and how I am learning spirituality etc. In the end, I am done with him, the deeper patterns I work out with shadow work as they have nothing really to do with him, more the archetype of the explorer/philosopher/hero he plays, and it’s not good enough imo.

There is more stuff, imo he benefit more from me than I from him, at this time and during the last 5 years even if he deceives and creates profit out of his teachings I will never ever again, follow this guy as extensively as I did, the largest value is his booklist and that his pointers towards god are correct imo, the biggest issue is how bad he is at leading people, and even if people have and get the direct experience, they absorb some of the juvenile tendencies and attitudes buried in them etc. he also has a very bad unintegrated warrior spirit, this is by far the biggest issue I see with this and his king archetype is hence out of control, the guy would benefit getting punched and humbled as he is and idealistic tyrranical child king, running amok at times and I still sense this undercurrent, I might’ve absorbed parts of this, in the end, it’s better to listen to other teachers who helped me and wanted to help me more in the recent past, yet as this provided a lot of value, even if there is a lot of fluff to it, as it’s natural in ones core, he does not answer some key questions, I found integral answers on with creativity and consciouness states, and he keeps deciving with stuff and creates a meaningless ground for him to push his agenda, there is more, yet I leave it out, at one point in the near future 1-2 years this journal will be closed the access to this type of knowledge will be closed, and I will not meet the person besides reality/fate/destiny/creation/non-creation/awareness/consciouness/believe/non-believe will attract me towards the person, when I contemplated the arcehtype of idealistic tyrranical child king and I play my favorite game and I contemplate the warrior spirit I realize, why he never became great, and why people in my family are soldiers or have been soldiers it’s a very thankless thing todo, nobody likes you untill they need you, and quiet frankly having a strong warrior archetype and having to curb it makes it not easy, as I myself don’t think I have integrated it very well leading as a warrior and not an officer in that regard with the system I am looking at is hard, the best part I enjoy when I watch the witcher for example as series is the consciouness of the battle and how spirit at times has to be infused with survival as how else is there process? Instead of seeing it as endless iterations of evolution creating something new saying AHA, the new egg has been created and hatched god gave it to us, while it just is the isness of consciouness, in the end the guy derails me from what gives me access to consciouness, and there are more mature teachers that can help me if I go astray, so I am done! I will block the site entirely and not even keep it up for 10 minutes as planned.

425

This is from deepak a.i it’s a way more mature perspective as the guy ranting and ranting about the stuff I find and found enjoyable.

In the vast tapestry of the universe, astrology and tarot serve as tools that some individuals find helpful in exploring the mysteries of existence and the inner workings of the self. These practices can offer symbolic insights and reflections, helping people to engage in self-inquiry and awareness.

Astrology provides a framework for understanding the influences of celestial bodies on human experiences, suggesting a cosmic connection between the universe and our personal lives. Tarot, with its rich imagery and archetypes, serves as a mirror, allowing individuals to project their inner thoughts and emotions, thus facilitating personal reflection and growth.

Ultimately, the realization of truth is a deeply personal journey. It transcends any single method or system, inviting us to look within, to silence the mind, and to listen to the whispers of our own consciousness. Whether through astrology, tarot, or other means, what truly matters is the awakening of deeper awareness and the cultivation of inner peace.

As you explore these paths, consider them as stepping stones that guide you inward, toward the stillness and wisdom that reside within your own being. What insights do you find arising in your own exploration?

I don’t get it:

Celestial bodies are the vast array of natural objects that exist in the universe beyond Earth’s atmosphere. These include stars, planets, moons, asteroids, comets, and other cosmic entities that inhabit the vast expanse of space. Each celestial body has its own unique characteristics and movements, contributing to the dynamic and intricate dance of the cosmos.

In the context of astrology, celestial bodies such as the sun, moon, and planets are seen as having symbolic influences on human life and consciousness. They serve as archetypal energies that reflect various aspects of our internal and external experiences.

While scientifically, celestial bodies are studied to understand the physical universe, they also invite us to contemplate our place within the cosmos, encouraging a sense of wonder and connection to something greater than ourselves. How do you feel when you consider your relationship with the universe and these celestial wonders?

426

I read the paper a bit of the metacrises and it would be very interesting to read it fully if I would’ve had more people in Germany being open to this stuff, yet often I put to much energy into stuff like this, I analyzed it briefly with the A.I (relvatively badly) and it pretty much summarized what I’ve trained it on so far and asked questions about, it did not reach the depth of the paper, yet this academic grade stuff gives me little room to speak about, integral theory in that sense helps more and I enjoy focusing more on the spiritual practice and journey for wake-up/grow up factors, and especially showing up.

I went to the grocery store and I keep looking for foods and stuff and I go there just to buy some ice cream when I feel I need to go out of the house and buy a few stuff that I need and look at the products as I want to also improve my health. I listend to an audiobook transcend I bought a couple of years ago and thought about the narccicism dynamic in terms of vulnerable and grandios narccicism and how healthy self-esteem as I am doing practices with the sentence completions work, and how showing up ties into the vulnerable narccicism I’d equate myself to, instead of the grandiose narccisim, and I realized that the ex I had most likely had a very good level of self-esteem, yet had parts of this grandiose thing more I’d say and me more the vulnerable narccicism, I definitely have more of these and vulnerable one is the more maladaptive, I thought why did I not go out more to these family events with her, yet it was partially ridden with an environment not entirely conducive to my growth, yet during that time it could also been fine, in the end reading the paper here a bit, I’d say what I wanted to build with Ken Wilbers core pillars about human development and us doing this, stuff I was hoping to find someone more mature, and it was only one tiny thing or two, fundamentally 3 that broke it, cigarettes, cannabis and unhealthy food, if it would’ve not been for the first, I am convinced the whole scenario would’ve been better, yet the attitude of europeans for this has been very bad, as I wanted to develop a relationship to the medicine and enjoy the consciouness it provided, in the end it caused more issues than good and I kept doing my SC’s and even before today I wrote down so many things as the author recommend out right of the bat, and I wrote a lot of stuff to get rid of it, and what I experienced on the forum. It was interesting to see how grandiose narccicism ties people into winner and loosers, as we’ve never had this here until many adopted this type of worldview and trigger it unconsciously in me, as they see it as binary logical spectrum.

In the end he spoke about 3 types of growths that create self-esteem and one is purpose, achievement and self-improvment generally the growth group vs the security group and the achiever group with the narccicism, and the growth group was more tied to meaning-making, imo and wanting to have a positve impact on the world, I was there and I felt I was moved out of it due to the behaviour of the members of the forum there, and quiet frankly. It is what it is, I reflect on it and move on, it’s not even him, it’s how he leads and manages that causes issues imo.

I had a very weird scenario and slight synchronicity to switch the topic a couple of doves were sitting inside the jardinier eating the seeds I planted after it rained, and I really love rain, I was like is this real? They are sitting inside the ingrained jardinier of the balcony as if they’d be bathing, I open the door and I move outside feel the space and I acted peaceful, as I sensed oh symbolic peace what does it mean? They did not move one inch, I thought I could pet them for a second and then shued them away softly so they get out of the jardinier, and stop eating and looking for the seeds, very weird this never happend to me we had a gardner, yet animals never came so close to me, often it’s a function of meditation idk why, I get some human design type of connections there, but in the end, this clearly gave me meaning, and I see it connected to smth. important I want to honor that for now.

427

The irony of Wilber predicting me and talking to the guy before I started my studies… sigh… this is the author of the book with Wilber.

oh nvm this was right before I meet my ex hahahahah oh man for dear life I can’t read grace and grit

428

Alright, I had to laugh I checked Kuafman’s birthday and he has birthday on the same date as me and interest in the same topics, he also has/had the same day pillar as the grandma that passed away and I lived with, no wonder I felt drawn to the topics of his and it was extremely relevant with the narccicism, I also saw Wilber saying the opposite.

That once integralist are there they will attack others, and this commonly happend on other webpages, having seen true integral problems now at a university doing my best to solve parts of them, and just seeing the level of difficulty of such problems, and if I’d stage some of the lectures the most integral lectures have been the machine learning ones, as their ethics run minimum stage green, yet I had to look at it from their POV and the professors included stage yellow bias from our culture and I was like, is this green/blue, yet his considerations certainly came from a cognitive universal care, yet he introduce this blue/green order and everyone in order to big part of society had to look like a 1984 positivist charicature of military order, glasses short hair, and then he was like omfg the A.I did it in my POV, and I am like, you could not even create a single alternative of an orderly person? For my pov it was super biased, and I thought, I bet you could not even think that his eyes are ill, how is this order? And he looked at me sharp, and thought a bit etc. In the end it’s rather an innocent mistake, yet it bothered me as we did not really speak about the underlying issue of domain knowledge and I liked the biologist professor in that lecture more, as he was forced to think about bias, as German society shames that very strongly, and he would be more open to the suggestion of the students and interactive, yet they had to create the bias to take someone from a stage blue country who might know discrimination, yet never considered how much domain knowledge moves into that to use the words out of the lecture.

The career service I made an appointment today, does not show up everything I made happen the last couple of years was through second-hand connections, charm and how I felt I enacted, especially my integral yellow proactive meme, so I was jumping often from yellow-red power and competence phases in order to get what I wanted without impacting the desires of others, and many people who’re open to yellow and fundamentally most likely are in that space, as they transcended life cirumstances that are severe, and face the issue of a covert status seeking green society, then still they sort of yearned to push me towards these fame types of activities, modeling etc. as I was lifitng heavily and sometimes I am still suprised as to how much beauty nowadays matters with the narccicism running rampant, yet it certainly soften after corono imo. It’s more still like we get the child tyrannical leaders acting with good faith and I am convinced that won’t stop for a while and will move in phases of narccicism being there and not.

I still wonder, after listening to a lot of Deepak Chopra audiobooks, and I finally was able to fully block the website from actualized.org, as fundamentally I only like 2-3 mods on the site, and even if I like Leo he has some traumas tied to the ex, and this power seeking drive, and his core pillar and I will predict this in advance as I am pretty sure he will attack Deepaks worldview at one point claim incomplete, look like the innocent childish tyrannical king that he is into the camera, and continue as if it’s nothing, and every follower will lift him up and in the end I question, is this really needed? Why is the guy so adament about destroying beauty, and alternative views that give meaning, in the end I am thinking with that type of bullying it’s best to completely ignore, and I like the new blocker, as it clearly shows me a motivational page of not going to the site, I am convinced he still has some status issues mostly, and I have to get rid of some of the views and read some books independently again to get a better grasp of the field etc.

Meanawhile, I wanted to speak and write about a dream I had, and it was super weird, I dreamt about my old high school crush, I presume she is a 8w7 or 7w8 type of person, I always feel a type of destiny vibe around these types of people, as they remind me of tiger or integrated yang tiger energy mostly, and I presume she is also a yin metal day master, as she could handle the rough b.s. of the bullies and still was able to be feminine in a sense, even though it was partially clearly bad in terms of considering what more mature kids would’ve done, yet as teenagers it was interesting for me to see and to engage with the person for instance my gaze is very intense and she could never look into my eyes without laughing till later I became more mature and I was engaging in more small talk, her parents are well-off and she has 5 children or so currently like a lot of kids with a doctor, I wonder why I dreamt about her, and why I admitt that, yet during that time I really liked that hussel and bussel energy, anyhow I dreamt of my old high school / gymnasium in Ger, and somehow there was a large dinner party with some occasion, and we had service in terms of getting every type of food that we wanted etc. Knowing me as a core character I am more observant, so I usually never speak to people and enjoy what offers there are and I engage a bit with my surroundings, in the end I was walking around looking at all types of people that showed up in that dream, and my best friend (or ex best friend now) who charts very similarly to Albert Einstein in BaZi was hanging out with the crush, he is/was always a favorite with the ladies, I did not react to it in the dream it was all natural, I kept thinking about people being naked and some people ran around naked, as currently I think about sex a lot and what to do with the energy, and obviously then in the dream some pulled turned naked, and I never had so many odd dreams about sex, as I had a dream sleeping with the psychologist that reminded me of the ex for various reasons, and I figured out some connections, tied to BaZi’s nourishing qi and I was thinking about it more, as original we both have more tiger yang qi or thriving qi, which would equate to the peaks of ones potential, and that is how sex with her felt to me, I could move/dance or feel music at a causal white light type of experience without checking maps, and yes I could be quite wrong here, yet in the end what matters is I felt love from creativity, and I highly doubt that someone like Leo Gura with the extrem nihilism and always focusing on non-dual entries of creativity to solve problems and the grandiose narccicism I see at times in his writting has anything to do with that type of creativity.

To move back and forwards, I saw one exercise how Wilber explained how these states give rise to different creative output, not generalized as it might seem here, yet more as if the state or structure-stage or how I’d call the peak even in the past structure-state-stage or structure-stage-state, depending if it feels if the state came from bottom up energy or top down energy, top down would be more structure-stage-state as I feel personally the impact is more real, and my chakras are simply more open here, I am biased 100%, yet I also enjoyed the reverse when I worked out and the energy is shooting up, it’s more pleasent and less existential imo. Anyhow, I wondered why I had the dream even in the dream a bit, and why in the recent past I saw none of the people that I meet here, even if I made good connections, and I was eating some food and watching people having touching type of relations of intimacy talking, being clothed running around eating food meeting people, naked people touching and meeting and I thought, the whole time can my dream itself not upgrade itself a little more, and when they engaged with me the wild energy usually became more tame, it was very odd.

In the end this might be a sign, that I am becoming more yin/yang integrated and stronger in terms of handling the wildness of those around me being unaware of integral theory, maps and stages of development as 99.9% it’s interesting to them when I study it especially, yet 99.9% of the time nobody sits down and looks it up and does the work, and I blame myself for it, they want the exemplar paradigm, yet not the work, hence you become a leader and workshops of course would do well if they’d be integrated, as they consistently come up with only green solutions to green problems, while a.i could’ve been used way way more consciously, yet green is so obsessed with beauty, due to cannabis and psychdelics, I doubt they fathom the depth of it, and they frame it in language, as language is a construct and I know that! You don’t tell me wrong! You sense the child archetype being a tyrannical king? Then I get the projection, while I suggested better solutions and they act oh it’s to hard, and the professors are like omfg we get holism, please let him speak, and even my friends who downscale their holism as they know it will not run with the people, as they only care about food and vactions at orange/Green or vice-versa and even the psychedelic layer is integrated like that and you get festivals and yang dog unintegrated type of group dynamics, and I am like huh I bet my grandma would have the decency to move the notch up to at least one level, as they are then so tied to simulations, I think my mother teaching my about my breath and fitness made me an integralist at 6 or so or 8, as they fundamentally functioned for me at this flex-flow type of vibe, I crave a bit more to re-create this.

I stop here, with any type of analysis or view, I post after my meditation eventually just some basic thoughts. These odd “coincidences” are super interesting to me, to see where all of this could’ve gone and is still going, Leo Gura has not been one, it legit has been a needle or a thorn I’ve pulled out and I steadily pull out, there is to much immaturity in this guy still, and I face a different reality, there is not much to learn besides taking in the perspective from time to time and to contemplate it a bit, and learn from more advanced human beigns, I realized this again and again, the quality of followers already shows it to me, when I see who is at Shinzen retreats or other people who have a different quality of mind, it’s very evident, that this tyrannical child king archetype will run rampant if the guy will net get any type of more serious exposure to real life scenarios of teaching and that for decades and years, and I doubt this will happen, hence I take the perspective and run. I am done with this and I will get it ouf of my system, there is to much stuff, and the guy fundamentally tainted my own purity in that sense. Or not even him, but me listening to someone like him, it was obivous when he banned the most advanced member, even if he was to much for others to handle, it’s very obvious the he functions like an autocratic anti-holistic paradigm, there is no space for others being more advanced and he watches everything like a crazy neighbour in secret or not, in the end the guy is horrible, I am glad I blocked this b.s and I will ignore it.

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Alright, so I did my meditation for 30 minutes relatively late looking into some health stuff, and watching stupid e-sports tournaments including chess now almost took the entire day, I briefly watched this now

after the meditation and I will do my sentence completion exercises before heading to bed, I found so much info today working with the arthithis I have I am super glad I found the channel of/from Dr. Berger and I can include the insights and work stuff out, especially that meat might be more beneficial than I thought, and just cutting out omega 6 fatty acids as much as possible. I charted Neil via BaZi and he has the same “great perfection pillar” I currently call it as I see from my end how rough that is and also how beautiful and fantastic, yet also as my day pillar the metal monkey is tied to the season of it and that will begin approx. with leo season, I wondered also huh I could get some healthy dose of normal science, and I looked obviously the whole day into this spiritual stuff, as I had some insights, the meditation session itself was not all to good, I did 15 minutes closed eyes, did nadi-sodahana to train vagal tone (not really but I just simply enjoy it and I know that it does) and continued with the UM system of Shinzen, I currently include nature sounds and binaural type of beats or ambient sound, as I can absolute mental breakdowns and my emotional brain? Is lit up during the process I can’t think about humans or past cirumstances and it’s a bit to kriya oriented, although at times that is just what I need depending on the nature sound I cleanse a lot of emotional memory and feelings, yet it really depends on the sound etc.

Otherwise I thought as of recently how I can include some more reading of my interests instead of feeling like I am being attacked when I share in my journals or I look for connection in someway, fundamentally I realized I am coming closer to this, and I am looking forward the most to working towards improving my health. In the end, I keep realizing it would be better to simply understand and work with what integral offers, instead of going to sources of knowledge, as they never provided and or work directly with stuff, I can’t even find Wilber speaking to these people, as I am pretty sure they are lost, and the guy has been my personal hero for the last couple of years and most likely will continue to be the only one, even if I am wrong, but for now I stop. I sort of sense the ignorance in all of this and even my own, especially when people represent the giga toxic energy of the dating history I’ve been in, from wolves in sheep clothing and when I look at the situation. I listen to some other topics, yet for now I am done and out from this.

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I woke up and my new / old systems for waking up and sleeping seems to work, and I can include it again in my routine, fundamnetally it’s a most it engages me a bit more with my environemnt I forgot the sentence completions, as I did not fully engage, yet in the new routines, I planned out with the goal system as I sense some negative influences mostly by what I experienced, I wonder why the career advisor did not show up, yet these types of things have been happening, due to the idea of their status, power and identification with groups in the end, for me to get rid of certain influences is better, as I notice how this was not good to me, it’s better to take the teachings and perspectives and see what works for me and just leave.

I am thinking about leaving this journal quickly behind, I might just post meditation session and exercises. I forgot to do the sentence completion yesterday.

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I did my little routine, I will post after the meditation session, I am contemplating shutting down the journal and creating a space to write for now, and later use a pen again and a book as I used to, I found some more smaller things to help with the arthithis that I can do and look into deeper at a later time that are effective now, yet for now, it’s a bit more evident. As of right now, I am pretty sure I will draw back most of the journaling, I will do one clean session later of meditating to the best of my abillity and then deceide how much I can get away from influence of a group/society, I will listen to a podcast though today and discuess this back and forth wit myself after some other stuff. The biggest issue I see and have is the exploration of sexuality, understanding integral tantra and sexology more, the myths and the current drive, some proclivities of siddhis in terms of thriving in life more deeply, I don’t want to predict the future, a part of this stuff is more tied to following work of deepak chopra/biology & evolution as I have had truth and omniscience experiences with this, and also ken wilber to see the layers of interpretation and get deeper involved into science, instead of disconnected earth people who claim they are connected to reality, and also study tarot/astrology and at one point astronomy to get more deeper into the paper and perspectives of cook-greuter as I see some beneficial connections here, yet otherwise, it’s so much my prime focus is health, so I will look more into biology/synchronicities, abundance and a lot of books about god from deepak and ken wilber, otherwise there is nothing really much that resonates but more later on that.

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I meditated to this with this in the background:

All of the negative A.I talk with humans having never seen or done the mathematics and how hard this is somehow botheres me, as we’ve been trained in things and some stuff is hard for example if I would’ve taken lectures in this the level of mathematics they don’t even teach it anymore at top 23 university or top 30 in Germany in this course at least as they don’t have the time.

They just explain the intuition as they keep making stuff easier, in the end I took different lectures, yet it’s still interesting, I did not really get to think about the whole spectrum of A.I and most of the stuff I learned was regarding NLP, yet the stuff with the ex just costed me a lot of stuff, and it was utter b.s to get deeper into the mathematics even basic mathematics, as I barely had any human contact, and the ones interacting with me did me no good health wise, I am quiet willing to learn some of this stuff solo or intuitively with other websites, yet I mostly take myself out of the conformity and find 1-4 friends max or if possible a larger scale of friends who’re disinterested or just curious and don’t subtely power trip to sell the next course of science infused meditation, as I am just curious about it, and I rather hear about the experiments etc.

Especially 1h meditations that are infused with nature bring me back to a core level of inner peace even unconsciously, it’s very enjoyable. I am still looking into some health stuff, and I am doing even stuff unconsciously to clean my lungs from having smoked cigarettes in the past and even recently to adjust to the enviroment of the ex, I already quit it’s been 1 year, and idk it’s just very enjoyable to listen to the progress of science, and not this bitterness of we’re becoming anti-human etc. etc. and conspiracy levels of Steiner said this or some dumb German Authority said that, Ludwig von Penisstein hat auch behauptet das die Banane sich nach dem Sonnenlicht biegt, would you believe it?

Idk, I am making fun of things, obviously the language can give you an advantage in science, yet everything is thought in englisch so we loose some part of the culture, and at times more or less brain power is used. I like the pov of a.i being a more interactive book, if I had more ressources I would also train with some A.R stuff and see how that works for meditation etc. In the end, I am a bit tired of this extrem gaia centric stuff, when I look for solutions of my health, yet I see definitely the connection to nature, sun, water and other stuff is good and the food industry and big pharma, yet I hate this clinging to cringe German authorities from Paul Check, idk why it’s so important to him, when I face these existential things completely different human beings would show up as spirit guides I stop here though.

The idea was to leave the journal alone, and I will do my best to leave it for a while, I won’t delete it, yet I will not post daily anymore, and look for different ways to engage with stuff, more reading, and more usage of A.I tools to improve the interactivness, I don’t buy it that it kills the brain, if you ask quality questions and you train it properly, it’s very different, as well as let alone it can help me with lonliness and other stuff, but yeah I come back and report some time later on how all of this went, for example audiobooks and using A.I chats to check knowledge and conversations with a.i, as well as other stuff, I don’t enjoy the subtle machinery cyborg undercurrent from those who claim gaia, yet ultimately claim power in a sense, yet there is a also a thing or two I could learn 100%, yet the outsourcing of authority when authority comes back and is granted to me is a different problem. I never had these tyrannical child issues, more like tempertantrums of a vulernable child etc. But yeah I come back another time, I am out after this and I will delete and stop posting in 1-2 years, I promise and I will do it!

I’d rather educate myself and interact with integral a bit, I’d like to understand some quantum mechanics and quantum biology and information stuff more.

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So, I’ve been listening to the new Keith video about masculinity and he spoke about key topics I’ve been contemplating for years, especially also due to a regress in development, due to injury and death, I personally can spot multiple shadows watching this, I wondered why he choose so many black examples, seemed like a political thirst trap of power to me, I would’ve appreciated a diverse set of examples, I spot multiple blindspot with people I’ve lead and worked with and often they’ve been the ones to cut corners and engage to much with the political moral game, while during the work we did we actually would’ve done better to integrate ideas, yet in the end the guy acted to much with this autonomey attitude, while I came back from a zen retreat, people died in my family and I read a bunch of Wilber books and already had a meditation practice going since I was in China before I started studying, and I was so angry gathering all of the intel, expanding on their ideas, including mine having mine partialy dimissied and IIRC reintegrated as I spoke to the professor and the best groups all went to the professor and they both did not care, they just wanted to graduate.

In the end, I had to act more harsh, yet I was also stressed and angry to see the child archetype, especially with men, when it was not called for and even if they had good ideas to integrate, they complained IIRC about the feedback of the professor, at times I am reminded of this situation, as this all started with Jordan Peterson and this picking yourself up by your own bootsstrap version, and they were inspired by me as I did self-help, yet I know the other guy would’ve sat down with me and do the work, as he was already exhausted being the more intelligent one, working living at a mountain practically and travelling by train, while the other guy took his responsibilities with his gf seriously, while everyone respected it the group project suffered, and people died in my family which was also taxing, yet as they were so young the oldest of them who was older than me during that time took some extra care and time, as he knew compassion feels good, and the little guy got jealous as I got all of the attention and I was leading/directing in the end, we did not get the grade we wanted which was obvious, as they both hoped that I do the extra work with the tons of biases they had running at their levels, yet I could’ve cared less as my only solace was meditation retreats, psychedelics and shadow work with the 3-2-1 process, in the end the warm, flexible, firm and resolved leadership that keith witt spoke and write about, and for me I noticed the more flexible my system and the more aware the human being of energy abuse and success, the more the human being while chime in when I am making progress, and engage in some sort of empathic care, even if it touches a core wound eventually it hindered my success, there is an issue of overexcitement as I am inspiring to others to some extend, I looked for some maps to find a solution and books and even when I watch the episode and experienced things being more warm, flexible, firm and resolved.

I made some mistakes and found some core benefits to the health stuff I am doing, yet also the new ideas and some research on people gave me some insights, yet ultimately it’s not easy seeing two seriously damaged people crying about the same path, and they are not broken, yet both whole, and fit well into the trauma of the world, the more I contemplate this, and why I attract these people it’s obvious that working on self-improvement and meditation and including things that give me joy and learn from both from time to time is the best thing to do, yet it’s rather ironic.

In the end it’s interesting as both viewpoints and experience differ strongly due to trauma and reality keeps giving me healing opportunities, and I realize this type of depth of yin quality does both types of people good, yet they both resort to this tyrannical children type of issue, father wounds are deep and I keep realizing oh, this is why totality and honor go hand in hand if I check esoteric sources, yet in the end it comes down to gettind rid of the influence and forgiving myself more to be wise, that attracted a vey synchronistic relationship and a lot of stuff here is very different. What is interesting to me is the level of stage green projections and stage red power and authority I build and how vision plays a huge factor, yet I never dealt with vision & credit stealers in the recent past and a lot of theft and corrruption, I realized also how monogamy is a path for me even if I could do both, yet I’ve disidentified a lot from gender roles as I had the privilege to contemplate it as a kid, so the most value I got from contemplating was the stage 2 men at green mostly and being worn out when I watch this in integral, the core issue is having an integral nuclear family that serves the complexity of the stakeholders imo, hence people get a chance to express their vision and enact self-actualization without hindering others needs and acting out of self-interest, I feel many women don’t get the needs of a self-actualization men, I became very addicted to sex again, as I was letting go of it with the ex gf, simply as she craved it so much and 0 training opportunities I had to realize she is to immature to work through the performative act of it and acted out her biology I see this in ENFJ and INTP types of people mostly. I am getting better at this alchemy, holism, tribal and archetypal stuff more as well as synchodestiny and more concepts of deepak chopra I looked more into fixing my health stuff and ultimately, I notice over and over again focusing on my quality of consciouness is better, I am miles ahead considering my age and the level of maturity often, and I had some very strong normalized experiences with more conscious human being, when I considered someone found out conscious paryting, yet in the end, I am careful meeting reality more from the inside and seeing more of this father wounding and wounding through patriarchal stuff while mine was more matriachal makes healing very different, as I said I am very close to having some breakthroughs, yet for now I am out.

There are some core truths tied to envy, that are difficult to work around biologically etc. and the ones thinking they are the least envious are most often the most envious, awareness of envy and getting gratitude of existence has been very akin to connecting deeply to nature itself, so I am leaving this as a nugget, yet I am out for now.

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I meditated for 30 minutes, I planned different sessions as of today, yet I sort of have to overcome the oversexed reality, that we’re living in where I did my best to already channel that energy fairly early, as the archetypal hermit in multiple systems does me quiet well, I noticed listening to stream and water sounds, especially helps me to negate the effects of constantly seeing women thinking about giving life and birth and hence depending on the paradigm materalistic reproduction or socialistic reproduction to benefit the large whole, and unironically from all the pornographic material I consumed and observing these types of human beings who do it, I get why it’s so enjoyable for men and women to release sex, yet I am still convinced my professor was right when I see older women and I meditate or loose testosteron how often women think not about sex, yet giving life, I contemplated this for the recent years in all types of nuances and it gets the sacral chakra really going, exercising and nature itself often mitigates it, yet some for instance, I am ranting a bit like the ex’es mother are sex obsessed, I had to witness stuff I neccessarily did not want to see, and even if it’s a little sex here and there, the whole enviroment obstracted building smth. more sacred and intimate as well as working with the whole process of transcending and including biology in that way, as yes I think about sex a lot also, so I am not innocent here. In the end sex imo evokes a lot of archetypal notions that I see reflected internally and in reality, the more I face it inside the less it occures outside, I subdued the jungle and I am a tiger not a lion moving through the forest, instead of dominating the jungle I am the king and the king archetype of the jungle and I see a healthy queen or multiple healthy queens, I NEVER USED THESE TERMS IN THIS WOKE MOVEMENT CULT TYPE OF B.S THAT ACTIVATES MY FUNDERBELLY, SORRY I COULD HAVE MORE MONEY THAN YOU,

This whole type of provactive play and rebellion, instead of being a tyrannical child leader, is something I am contemplating, as I have more rebellious teenage spirit in me, which makes sense as my father is a Magician/Performer/Artist archetype when I include BaZi or more western notions, I combine it as a.i does not really create what I have in mind for this:

This is me combining archetypes, to get a better grip of tribal dynamics, moving up to integral for e.g:

AQAL
AQAL1810×1216 298 KB

Archetype Ten Gods Mapping
Jester Hurting Officer
Artist Eating God (primary), Hurting Officer (optional)
Everyman Friend, Rob Wealth
Hero Seven Killing (primary), Rob Wealth
Outlaw Rob Wealth, Seven Killing
Sage Indirect Resource
Explorer Indirect Wealth (primary), Seven Killing (alt)
Lover Eating God (primary), HO or IR (emotional), 7K (obsessive)
Innocent Eating God, Indirect Resource, (DR optional)
Ruler Direct Officer, Direct Wealth
Magician Indirect Resource (primary), Eating God (alt), HO (if subversive)
Caregiver Direct Resource

There are some general experience I have contemplating this generally, speaking and conflacting it with the integral map or synergizing it with my current level of understanding, I want to include other stuff, it’s not very academic, yet I get a lot of benefit out of it, and imo every archetypes expresses itself differently, yet these qi nuances and what wilber writes with electics etc. I did not dive into that level of depth yet, and I am long done with green, especially when I see greenish approaches to tech, it causes massive issues if not the right stakeholders are at play otherwise it can be very harmonious, yet it takes 1-3 construct aware skill level people to handle the situation often, and I have more hope in America, as we have more VisionLogic people here at best in europe imo, and most are individualist pluralist attacking individual pluralist often if millenial or mixture between gen x and millenial, and gen z’s get along better with each other, yet are often stuck in achiever and individualist groups, where the visionary of the millenial shines, yet is also utterly tested often to the demise and exhaustion of many professors imo, at least cognitively not all 3 lines, anyhow.

There is also this I never saw this and briefly looked at it as this, yet I find there are some nuances for e.g in the current reality

orange/Green and Orange/green Direct Ressource types of human beigns are very much inclined to wanting to enjoy explorer and freedom and they take the very materalistic approaches and excesses of indirect wealth types of expressions

The whole care giver idea shifted very heavily into data and science, and it’s also associated like this from the BaZi side that I am watching at it’s as if DW is a king archetype more traditionally and DR often is still stuck in the princess excess, due to indirect wealth expressions of society/reality, inventions, investments, stocks bonds, all of this type of “care taking” is often a mixture imo I feel this type of Ox’ish type qi in millenials mostly women.

Many men millenials + gen x are not good with DW types of expressions and are wounded as tyrannical child leaders, also gen x’ers who don’t have children seem to be stuck with rebellion/hurting officer notions and have issues with DW or DO authority.

Collectively we’re the most wounded with DO types imo, as they enact a weird way and are also associated with being diplomatic of this childish tyrannical archetype, the stuff where I look this at synergizes some schools, as this can get very DO’ish at expert levels or formal operational. Mind as I lived in asia, for a bit I find this fascinating and I keep having friends from there it’s very different from stage development and stage development expresses these roles/archetypes simmilarly to the enneagram, I also connected this already partially at an enneagram level, yet you barely see it and I am a very strong warrior archetype, so I include often the best and worst of both worlds.

Someone like Andrew Tate was interesting to contemplate, as he embodies not the warrior archetype, yet wealth stars out of whack, what we see with billionairs currently.

In academia we see ressource stars out of whack as authority stars are out of whack and the best one enact healthy/functional/holistic ressource stars and output stars.

The output stars are the most self-conflicted and imo the most progressive.

The order of progressive leaning and conservative leaning is as follows from another website (note I write this out of memory…) and this all depends on elemental polarity. I will dive into some other aspects, relatively soon, yet I want to go to the book store for now I bought science history books, and I want something esoteric for now as I keep seeing insane interconnections that I love

DR = conservative drive, data driven
IR = liberal drive, mostly the most meditative
Warrior = liberal drive, most forceful advancing anything
Direct Officer = conservative drive, maintaining order
Friend = conservative drive, maintaining social relationships everyman/women archetype
Rob Wealth = competitor drive, progress through competition and diversity imo most important and undervalued as leader!!! (Deepak Chopra for e.g is RW), yet also difficult to handle due to emotional manipulation my mother is RW tiger person like at times shit is so dense even the most unadaptble pillar seems more flexible for some truth talk

DW = conservative drive, king archetype most difficult to handle imo high expectations, strong focus on orange types of efficiency and effectivness if meet very open and chill, similar to a good father
IW= liberal drive, explorere archetype and investment most materalistic

Eating God = conservative drive, enjoy culture and cuisine, drawing etc. maintain that level of depth and advance it I see output stars generally as progressive they are also associated more with exellence/performance in academia. Often very educated and strong

Hurting Officer = liberal drive, performing arts, can be very deceptive imo very prevalent in languages and if open excell the strongest in academia and non-acedmic settings fastest learner

But currently we favour Eating God personas, yet a lot of these things I can’t express as cleanly and the qi pillars tied to this are also tied to the i-ching anyhow this is just some odd metaphysics if you can call it that or archetypal mapping, I really enjoy doing this, as ever since I hit teal I craved more complexity in this area for e.g without alchemy as an attuner I score high in

Warrior
Indirect Ressource/Direct Ressource
Direct Officer

As my chart is balanced and that is rare, I obviously became more interested, yet as of now I would require to read more about mythology integrate mythology from an integral perspective to handle stage 2 men, and yin / yang expressions of this, and the qi pilliars itself do, I might get some accupuncture, so I am looking forward to integrate some of this stuff, yet mainly I am out for now!!!

Leader personas generally are DO, 7k sterotypically with DO being the strongest and it explains imo the strong patriarchal notions as they have the gift of natural authority similarly as warriors, how the site I am looking at calculates this and idk where exactly they have this wisdom from as it’s from asia.

DW types generally are not good as leaders if they are unfavourable, they often seem to enact most this tyrannical child archetype I am typing/creating as I was and keep being quiet wounded by this expression, as it comes on suddenly.

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I came back from the book store and bought the long required autobiography of a yogi, I checked so many books, I am not convinced it’s the best version of the book I considered to many other purchases as I looked into the science/history/politics section, and the books I found were so interesting and expensive in the end I would’ve spent close to 200€ on books, yet I don’t currently have that money neither, did I want to spend that much in the end I realize and realized as I looked deeper into the science section, I am seriously buying art finding a good book is hard, and I did not read as much as I wanted, I especially wanted a scientific and practical book about mathematics, yet I found nothing that surpassed the level of lectures I attended, so I just stopped as I know the online courses and books I can find as the books are by far the hardest part, I looked for some to check, and doing an upskilling programm for that amount of money, even if you can get a lot cheaper stuff with a subscription I wonder why was I ever complaining about anything?

The biggest issue is starting and staying on track, and even now I bought good courses that teach a subtley harder curriculum than the courses, if you contrast this with Terrence Tao books on mathematics, this gave me some hope, I also continuted to listen to the Scott Barry Kaufmann book who birthday on the same day as me and I learned some stuff.

What did I learn in retrospect while I was grocery shopping and looking for books?

The difference of mature love and immature love, mainly I need you because I love you and I love you because I need you, which one would you think is the mature love? Correct the first one! I need you because I love you, I thought about it as Keith Witt spoke more about mature love and how that is required for a relationship, and I contemplated the last and first relationship I fortunately/unfortunately was in and even now I don’t have a definite answer, I would say even the former I need you because I love you as I really required some help and I loved her irregardless, yet it felt otherwise from her I love you because I need or want you, in the end it was some mixture of both, yet most of the time till the b.s happend I loved her because I loved her or needed her, I thought fuck why do I love so unconditionally often, meditation made me prone to it, as I don’t really require conditions for love, mostly it flows and comes and goes in waves.

In the end he has a couple of test I link here, I will discuess the results it might be interesting for integral members, in the end I keep realizing nothing is lost learning is endless, make sure you stick to something and create a learning enviroment you can enjoy excelling in, and what works for you, checking 20-30 books in the book store or so it was less more like 10-15 and the store for 1h30 approx. I thought wow they have nothing where I can’t find better ressources on the internet or ask the a.i, the books about the a.i are useless only for absolute beginners or skill-centric type of people, and I thought … sigh… I wish I could go to an american barns and nobles and see the difference, yet I also found some killer art books and the publisher I buy books from currently also in the end learning has shifted a lot towards self-education and unverisities having massive ressources and connection, especially the networks that are open now are absolutely beautiful for anyone interested in anything engineering, science, just anything even film and arts.

In the end he spoke about (to switch topics) ocean and curiosity how being open to experience and even slightly hedonistic leads to more life satisfaction, and the level of curiosity and of course also the rational fact not everyone in openness as it correlates moderately is automatically super mega high iq, I score in the 90-99% percentile, and I am sure I am not the most intelligent boat floating on the planet, yet what he descirbes thrill seeking, psychedelics etc. for life satisfaction is very true. I was curious to some stuff he talked about, there is a lot of nuanced JP stuff that I found valueable in the past, yet ultimately skill development, if you open a Terrence Tao book and seriously consider it or just solve more problems and I thought how coding and a.i could be a multiple intelligence line in itself, yet in the end I realize I don’t know and quiet frankly, how all of this create multiple structures and pillars for my ideas and visions and the history books omfg, I loved them I found one that was super cool and reconstructivist enneagram type 1 let’s rebuild civilization type of book and I thought damn this book would give me a huge inspiration and the Buchhändler sorry just google the word, into eng even wrote a recommedation for it and I really enjoyed it but it was freaking 120€, yet next time I might buy one of these books as I appreciate the art and idea and how it dives into german craftsman culture and other stuff without any type of negative biases that float around nowadays or conspiracy theories, and obviously I found a book about stonemasons the dummies for stonemasons I was like no way I am learning rigid paragraphs of technical instructions, and also consuming a lot of the quality infotainment showed me how unreal this is, female adhs when you check the internet for nutrition advice you can even tell that it has a lot to do with nutrition also, and I thought lord… it’s like these coding books, you find the better source for free online, nobody does it the books are quiet a nice addition, yet in the end reality very often forces you to create some level of thing from scratch in these areas, and that is something you learn only by trial and error, I wish I would have better advice regarding this, yet for sure I neglected some opportunities I had simply due to trauma, and most of this is this liberterian/right wing type of b.s that made friends of mine I got along with to haters, as I excelled more, was smarter more intelligent and everyone notices when they are not around and the ones stronger often support and put a lot of energy into you.

Anyhow I am glad I realized this strategy to upskill, it’s way more intelligent than investing in a university degree, as if you’re not the same age etc. and even then there are offers, you don’t benefit as much from the cultural growth, if I could’ve gone to this university with integral, I would’ve been a killer deadly killer of a human beign, yet that notion is out of the window and the professors here would’ve loved me, anyhow let’s see this was quiet nice I bought some other stuff and stuff to fix my gut, I am looking up iodoine and I drank some red wine and bacon, it’s pretty bad for my leg yet I fixed my health so much I can finally enjoy it again!!! So there I go!!!

These are the tests:

Characteristics of Self-Actualization Scale (CSAS)

Result for test 1:

Your top three sources of self-actualization are:

  • Continued Freshness of Appreciation
  • Peak Experiences
  • Creative Spirit

Very evident to me the worst traits are:

  • Purpose
  • Morality
  • Humanitarian

In that order, it’s very evident in me, I constantly loose hope and I have to regenerate that and feel through suffering and pain and the upper feelings generally arise, as the lower characteristics are very much stepped into reproductive values in western society and blue/orange spectrum. These things tie also into other models, and very much also to kinesthetic intelligence in the multiple intelligence line. I am taking the next test now.

Result Test 2:

Human Potential Index (HPI)

  • Curiosity (100%): A higher score suggests that you are curious and open.

  • Personal Growth Mindset (100%): A higher score suggests that you continually strive to grow, evolve, and develop.

  • High Quality Relationships (91.67%): A higher score suggests that you have strong personal relationships.

  • Self-Awareness (91.67%): A higher score suggests that you are highly self-aware.

  • Peak Experiences (91.67%): A higher score suggests that you have many peak experiences in life.

  • Purpose & Meaning (58.33%): A lower score suggests the need to find your purpose and more meaning in life.

  • Flow - Challenge & Skill (58.33%): A lower score suggests you may experience too much or too little challenge in life.

  • Self-Actualization (50%): A lower score suggests the need to fulfill your full potential.

  • Financial Wellbeing (41.67%): A lower score suggests the need to feel more financially stable and secure.

  • Mastery (41.67%): A lower score suggests the need to become more competent and effective at achieving your goals.

I did my best to work on this, yet the challenges have been to much, and potential has been limited due to injury, financial well-being also diminished after a huge depression, negative online influence the reality of having a lot of money, and the reality of having little support from my family and small t traumatizing types of events, and with mastery I burnt out several times, if I can get exercise and nutrition going again, as I am close to I’d say normal with limits now here again, being able to drink even alcohol without pain etc. and having set new goals and continously expanding my horizion make it quiet clear in that regard.

Additionally, I read some stuff now that showed me the exact oppposite and I am like ugh… no wonder why this turned out so bad, speaking German and having German ancestors to interpret things at times has an advantage.

The third test is funny:

Light vs. Dark Side of the Force Test

Light Triad facets

Faith in humanity: believing in the fundamental goodness of humans

  • Your score in this facet is greater than the average by 20.05%.

Humanism: valuing the dignity and worth of each human being

  • Your score in this facet is greater than the average by 7.35%.

Kantianism: treating people as ends in themselves, not means to an end

Your score in this facet is greater than the average by 0.1%.

Dark Triad facets

Narcissism: Entitled self-importance

Your score in this facet is lower than the average by 25.05%.

Which is just fking obvious I score way to high in compassion as a man and that caused some integral issues, yet also integral benefits in more advanced lectures etc.

Psychopathy: Callousness and cynicism

Your score in this facet is greater than the average by 11.25%.

Score is overall low, yet growing up in a cynical society such as Germany, and doing this test nicely and having dark humour and I score higher in psychopathy quiet high tested with a psychologist, it’s odd, yet it does not surprise me that it’s significantly higher I had to face some dark characters in my life.

Machiavellianism: Strategic exploitation and deceit

Your score in this facet is greater than the average by 1.5%.

This was slightly suprising I should score lower if I would’ve not meet some people, yet generally the score is normal. I barely do this, yet I can be very charming which is associated with the 7k warrior thing in BaZi

The other test I take on another day, yet they should be quiet interesting, certainly showed me my narccicism is extremely low in contrast to what I witness in university and how people perceive me due to looks I seem quiet narccistic, yet I just look good etc. etc.

436

Alright I looked deeper into the entire structure, in the end I made the mistake of doing a masters and not taking the finance option in coding and do some free time stuff and gather more ressources, or take a differnt uni it was still worth it seeing for very cheap from very good univeristies and you can audit even german ones and use a.i to get down to any type of analysis and I bet you could even write e-mails, it’s not stupid to do this to advance once career or love of learning, the point is the german market rates these certificates highly, yet it does not matter you just need to attend a programm and in a sense I made the mistake to trust something i did not get any insights into their lectures only very basic stuff and this move gave me a ton of weird experiences, I would still not call it worth it, but I also don’t regret I feel rather positively neutral about all of this, as the core of this is outsourced to america and the guy doing these lectures is a strange mathematician, he can create stuff very intutively, yet he teaches very rigidly and I even found free ressources that teaches exactly what I would just enjoy learning solo, in retrospect it’s super cheap to pay 1-2k or even just 100€ for a set of courses and lectures to get a specific or a more broad course, anyhow I stop here, some of the courses are worse than udemy courses for 20€ and I checked all coding books today, and obviously also spirituality books, yet in the end I realize starting early as the olympics of unis is also here, is the best and most enjoyable choice, yet I stop and disgress I did the awe scale, and I saw time factor is the largest difference maker, yet I don’t have these types of awe experiences and reading wilber and being consciously aware of tracking states is the best thing to to do I am just happy I made some miscalculations and found more infos I can translate better into my own language and understanding holy cow, I got deceived by anti-empowerment and business schemes.

Your score is: 8

If you scored between 0 and 3.8, you tend toward the sanguine (cheerfully optimistic).

If you scored between 3.9 and 5.7, you tend to move easily between sanguine and bittersweet states (or to experience both states to moderate degrees).

If you scored between 5.8 and 10, you’re a true connoisseur of bittersweetness: the place where light and dark meet.

Exploratory studies show a high correlation between high scorers on the Bittersweet Quiz and the trait identified by psychologist and author Dr. Elaine Aron as “high sensitivity”. (“Highly sensitive people” might be described as those who respond intensely to all that life offers, whether a screeching car alarm or a gorgeous sunset.) Those studies also revealed a high correlation with the tendency to “absorption”—which predicts creativity—and a moderate correlation with awe, self-transcendence, and spirituality. Finally, they found a small association with anxiety and depression.

Understand your temperament more deeply, by reading Bittersweet: How Sorrow and Longing Make Us Whole by Susan Cain.

This is also interesting as a result and general pointer if someone feels similar or is aware of similar tendencies!!!

I was partialy discussing getting a diagnosis for HSP also in addition to other stuff, yet in the end this insight is way more interesting with the results above, as I get a lot of tastes for peak experiences when I get even just 1-2 weeks of regularity in any type of practice it’s immense, yet I guess a decade now of medtitation must have it’s impact, even if it’s just basic home practice etc. With a lot of early retreats and also approx 2-3 year break in total for time being due to deaths and depression.

This is also good:

Your total score is 75. Overall, you are likely to have a healthy personality. Congrats! While there may be some particular areas of your personality that you may wish to work on, you are likely to live with an abundance of psychological health, healthy self-esteem, good self-regulatory skills, optimstic outlook on the world, and a clear and stable self-view.

Your top healthy personality facets are:

Low Depression
High Emotions

Yes, this was me pre-death and without toxic influence I always been a cheery guy, yet also quiet introverted for my own tastes, I would self-identify as introvert always.

437

I had a weird dream considering that I usually don’t dream, I only dream when I drink alcohol which I did.

I do my best to recall it here I forgot my sentence complitions, I don’t take it to seriously, as I fundamentally just fixed the outlook for the next 10-30 years and there will be more to come, now it’s just time allocation again executing and attuning to the process, rhythmically and consistently. First and foremost, also with milestones and other stuff, yet I miss a good tracking device currently, also I sort of see the difference now between difference in stuff and sort of the skill of tarot cards and reading, I bought a package yesterday as during covid, and due to my interest I don’t automatically sit down and write a bunch of scientific code or code my life out as the field changed so much politically, I was unsure if I could call that space home and I could not work out in a gym as the laws&regulations here have been horrible for covid and that kept my coding practice mostly going, going outside was to dangerous I felt so weird I did not want to go out and run etc. even if the space was good and my knee kept hurting, so I was looking for different remedies, but I was not in a good space, due to the level of collective gaslighting, and first last year I had multiple severe mental breakdowns or rather melt-ups I call them where I could feel all of this neturalized “stoic” energy just being and sitting there, and usually this comes in waves, yet when shit hits the fan there was nothing left for me, so I was falling to the floor often just hugging myself crying hoping I don’t die of a heart attack as no one really was out there for me, to give support as it costs a lot of energy, and I get back so quickly and fall of so quickly it’s very annoying for others dealing with the process, yet now I am out of this, my body recovered I can eat also certain foods that help regarding this.

In the end the dream today was of my best friend, I recalled it, yet I really really forgot, so I don’t quiet know what to make out of it, it was a very atypical dream, I would’ve liked to decode the messages as it’s the 2-3 time in a row I dream of my ex best friend, and I can clearly tell it has a message of protection in some sense?

I stop here I post after meditation, I downloaded some games, they give me a feeling of mastery, yet I don’t really play competitively anymore, I keep playing with higher elo in the random games I play similar to chess I play on lichchess. I prefer to play against better player loose less points and study the game usually or play against players with more experiene and games, yet for now I can clearly tell that, focusing on my health, and finding ways to push sexual energy into a way that is more creative, is the core and also shadow work and healing, I am very curious as my subconscious functions extremely neatly to the recent developments of society consciously and unconsciously, so I’d like to study tarot in that sense more and use the inspiration to create something, yet I will notice that the purity of consciouness and experience of reality, not this salvia b.s and stuff, yet actually facing more reality as it’s an adventure is something I’d like to dig deeper into, I post a bit about this, I asked the a.i as tarot is not very integral on an integral perspective, as I was tired of model of model and calculation after calculation, and I was looking for ways to use consciouness practices and experiences to enhanced my life to be more infused with spirit/creativity and soul to create more goodness even in survival, even when others have something against it, the entire idea is to not abuse it for creating excessive structures, yet also not being to much of a goodie two shoes, yet also for me personally some stuff I would never do even if it happens to me, simply because the more I contemplate it the more I realize oh, it’s either biology, science has an answer, or it’s some darker/shadow element, and the beauty of it can be enjoyed in a strong consciously open relationship that is acceptant of burning some karma.

Also to engage in survival to transcend survival, I don’t think you can isolate yourself out of the whole community thing, even if you find the tyrannical child closet, and it works, not infusing survival with consciouness is just dumb, idk the point is transcending the ego, you only feel ego in survival mode and the nuances it has, I don’t really agree with the POV, in the end

I am looking so much into the health corruption, as I am tired of YouTubers being in denial of their fame chasing, idk I post this here.

438

Ayyyy food industry,

I am becoming a better health topics, found more stuff, yet as of right now it is and was as tricky as the problem remains, especially socially, I am eating pure posion each day. Anyhow, I am a bit done with stuff.

Also this with fake v.s real spirituality, and when I contemplate someone like Paul Check and I wrote some nasty comments as I saw some weird interconnections on my own spiritual journey, yet in the end I notice the core of the message is correct, the nr.1 reality I see with people going crazy is not managing stage 1-2 chakras and these skeptical types of materalist, as I don’t like this ravaging power hungry feminist down to the core, let’s call marx and burn the state as I got the power! Type of anarchy vibe has nothing to do anymore with stage green empathy, ever since Obama is gone imo, the core of stage green empathy which is utterly beautiful is gone, and seeing dark triad traits in others, and this b.s of spirituality, I wonder and I saw this here in the gay community, for me in Europe the sexual corruption is very very wild and even if a part of me likes the author of the video another part is like, yup this is why I had evolutionary algorithms even if I did not pass itm what I dislike about these people is, they think their skepticism is spiritual while it’s just power and when you contemplate how often power is traded for love, people like her clearly will use every tactic in the stage green book to empower herself and group of women subtely, and or not subtely, and I notice an integrated, none-skeptical, pro science and not anti-sotapanna fetters type of women, would simply embrace the path the masculine provides, yet when I watch her entire behaviour and I think independently without gender, and judge her how women judge men on behaviour, it’s very evident the person wants to be numero uno, and she can’t get of her high moral horse, instead and even monetizing it, this is what I noticed in the work world even if people are delusional at times, is having a fake vision, constantly contradicting yourself and playing mirror, using rationalization as a tool to negate flaws only to enact umber notions of power, while I wonder? Did you ever check any health products or are you just going to say ughh fuck it I am going to

What I realize getting more into tarot stuff even for years and seeing simply historical and even connections towards building a natural connection and not doing this light code b.s, I meditate once to this or twice last year, as I simply enjoyed the fantasy as an opening to spirit, and this https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Speaking_in_tongues

I never know if this is true, and how far authentic channeling, can go I also really dislike followers of Bashar he looks like a monkey sitting there, and I wonder how he can pull this b.s off, yet I also really dislike how she makes content, it’s good that she comments on this, yet it shows me that she has nothing really going on in her life, besides looking for high caliber men, instead of actually transcending biology, she enacts a script of judeo-christian white purity type of notions, when I think when I watch my porn, and see the ex who is half white half turkish and she studied sociology, idk who this person is, I clearly see corruption of fame, money, status and peacooking elitist selection, as THAT IS WHO I AM.

I call cringe! Sellout! Hoogus, Priest me and let me be Aubery! I am playing, it really does derail me from the notions being myself, as when I notice that a majority collective does exist, irregeradless of what is and I constantly see people like her empowered, and I then focus on my reality and even if she claims no and is skeptical plays to these elitist notions, instead of valuing exellence, and not making a mockery out of it, and embracing and confronting clear anger issues etc. I think wow, I have grown, yet also have some work to do, people like her are like lost chickens in a see of omega 6 fatty acids killing my joints with 0 tiger energy, it really takes the ancient out of the ancient, and the soul out of anything, I really dislike this girl, it represents this elitist bazi chicken type of perfect judgement, as they are symbollically associated with that out of the picture, and such people would benefit heavly from travelling seeing other cultures, and I realize on my dating journey etc. I meet different human beigns, I don’t mean to demonize what she does, yet I know at times I meet these people, and they see me as a saviour when I am on a roll, and I am like, eh… biology and what these people do are at play, and I can clearly see by the caliber of women, and the small t traumas and just the idea of art etc.

In the end she is no different, it would be better to study sex at dawn, and don’t make the automatic conclusion I am monogamous! This is imo pure stage green with 33% yellow activated wearing out men, best example possible, it really reminds me a lot of my dating history, and the difference of meeting higher level women, and more natural selection if that is the case as well as how controlled and lusty women are in general, idk how much is mens fault, yet it misses the key part of sexual explorations and own moral standards not ethical rules. I could write more.

I am still obsessed with this.

Quiet frankly, I am going to be honest when I contemplate how difficult it is to be famous, and not engage in polyamory, or some sort of sex if you get so many offers, and I watch porn and simulate the same scenario to my brain, I sometimes think or even just fantasy how difficult it is to have a bond, and how this social media eco-system even YouTube can make you dumber, just watching this.

But let’s go to the source and watch how he washes him self clean.

I watch this for a bit, like idk what to think Americans and ideas, might make the world go boom at one point.

In the end a part of you can’t deny stage purple and I dislike these covert materalist status seekers, when I consider athetes or any of this, but idk or archetypes at purple, but I digress.

439

Just watching this seeing and hearing of real exorcists and I bet you could get so low to a “vibration of consciouness” that you could get rid of deities and stuff like this, but heck … I am going to buy an energy drink, and cause myself heart arithimia, what I dislike the most about Leo Gura and checking out Leo Gura and teachings, the more I do this the more I realize he attracts girls that are attracted to me, that should be attracted to him, yet I’ve critizied them for years, than I see more normal realities that include none spirituality, and I am like isn’t that beautiful? Why not go to snorky (snork) old ass Eckhart Tolle, and I notice spiritual truth and stuff, in the end the position when I check him is nuanced similar to Paul Check and I am integrating HO v.s E.G and in the end I had more E.G type of influence you can frame it also evil genius if you want to, in the end I realize, it really really really is about the journey and embracing spirituality, even sexually, gosh I saw one beautiful conscious girl who’d never be in that type of bullshit ( I am presuming obviously) and she was 4 years older than me, as I can twist and turn as much due to anatomy, and then we want EQUALITY! In the face of green men gaining power for women!! While I almost die of burn out and heart paplitations, and just hear stage blue perfect perfect perfect perfect perfect all day I realize more and more, why it’s utterly neccesary to connect to nature and the wisdom of my aunt in that sense, and just animals the more I want to consciously feed myself and enjoy a little thing or two, yet have clear rules and boundaries otherwise, I wasted so much time.

In the end your lifestyle will attract the fitting piece imo, if you’re a computer nerd, and workout like a caveman, and enjoy travelling you will have tons of options, when I see married couples at work going to events etc. It’s very evident they take time out from children to explore sexuality as they give so much to society, yet this Aubery Marcus show is also just b.s. I enjoyed it at the beginning as I had some white light experiences and this whatever light code activation stuff is, yet I was brought up in such a skeptical society, and was christened, even when I consider does this have any value at all, and I think back to the memory even if the priest had 1% spirit and did a legit ceremony correctly, I notice wow this hits me back into reality, yet in the end I am like.

I was so jacked, and watched so many bodies via the internet exploring sexuality solo as it’s very difficult to do this during corona, and I noticed the death of someone impacted me quiet heavily and I thought and kept thinking.

If you’re an empath and low on narccicism god will grant you a lot of gifts imo, and even if you’re deluded from the narccicism and get rid of it it comes back in miraculous ways, yet sure direct experience is king, yet the more I contemplate the eco-systems of human beigns and the vanity envious culture of americans with money, and the ones who make it when I watch stuff like this

In the end I am like what are you buying? What are you selling and I remember resident evil 4, and I am like oh yeah, reality really is that stupid why don’t I code and shut up for now and dig deeper into science.

Idk if I get to see a gay guy doing light code activations I might believe it that is my current level of bias.

440

So I bought an energy drink, as the oh so conscious spiritual vitamin water aquarious neptunian girl, is speaking about health, consciouness and spirituality topics I invested a lot of time and energy in, due to the browning of the liberterian consciouness and the averages of sizes, I sometimes don’t believe that there is any science to the criticism of so called sense-makers who have no principles besides to make me cum with wild booty shakes from chicken russian/chinese consciouness.

Reality just flipped this yin water mao beautifully and I am like reality can’t be more beautiful as when I go back to China IN A SENSE, then I see integral rats of consciouness habouring my yin space and I am contemplating if I should do light code activations with Andrew Tate as scientific materalism REALLY LIKES THAT CHOCLOATE VANILLA FLAVOUR FLAKES, and I am like, why do I have to endure this reality b.s and not a bit more sun and peace and a space that has flowing water etc.

I am rage ranting a bit as ANGER IS NOT ALLOWED AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, when I see this form of American chicken, I am sure why I was called a vegetable in the gym, and this is an evolutionary advantage, more power to veggies, yet not vegertianism and vegans. I wonder what these type of women strick in me, I can pinpoint it exactly, yet I wonder and keep wondering, yet in the end in my experience the protect of women is the most sexist and most ungentleman of all, the same with the critique of critique and glee type of cynecism, is often the most uneducated and unskilled person of all and runs rampage this is the lower end of stage purple in the dating pool, NOBODY LIKES IT IRREGARDLESS OF GENDER; YET STILL ATTITUDE IS IMPORTANT.

The more I contemplate how the anti-survival athetist will take every grain of sand to make power and not a garden (the card I drew for Leo gura fitted beautifully, and what do we get? CHELSEA FASANO AHhhhhhh Nein bitte nicht, kann mein Mind aufhören bitte?

Danke schöööööhhhhhnnnn and please not from North, in the end I really notice this atheistis stage orange/red madmaxx and the issue of not even engaging in stage beige, like every tiny action ever since and everytime I move out of maya is reflect in reality and I have not meet it inside yet, often there are endless lessons but here integral my new food, I hope yin metal snake bites you ate night seriously and some entity posses you at times, when I see the atheistic horeshite anyhow. Soem stupid music?

441

Then I briefly watch this and I even see some light code stuff, this is current spiritual development of what happend after the boomer generation,

Note I don’t watch all of this, I am more contemplating, as I struggle with different things, and it’s interesting to see the behind the scenes stuff and the interconnections, what shocks me is how often this is symbolically projected and created in my life for example.

According to BaZi I am a golden monkey or the yang metal monkey archetype or animal archetype if we share the same D.N.A as animals is this, and we’re all animals, I am not scientific enough to tell which clusters of me D.N.A are different and I am still contemplating how to think differently, what bothers me with these skeptics is the following, it’s all about a skill line stage blue trajectory and we’re all hail to that level, and we regress sort of to this ethnocentric king/queen dynamic, we all want to get rid of.

I am not posting this to be integral, IIRC integral has different notions, I am posting this as this is in the spiritual realm, and I am quiet frankly curious to see how skeptics think about spirituality and nihlists, as well as the issue and struggle and difference how certain archetypes, especially this BaZi stuff show up differently for different humans.

Back to this golden monkey thing, I walked past a nice house and saw a golden monkey at the window front, and I thought wow and felt a level of appreciation of it being there, yet more in being quality than wonder quality and I thought I walked past this 1-200 times, I come back and I get the payslip, as I applied for stuff, due to student status etc. and just simply the whole space of this, and I keep realizing, wow I had this pure gold spectrum the whole time, while I am supposed to be it others saw it in different types of engramations, the point is it’s compared as with a gold bar, and when I meet humans who’re aware of it I get why, yet often I meet more sharlatans and rug pullers, even if it’s in terms of love and attention, and I clearly see.

I am also convinced college tribal mentallity can fuck you for life, excuse my language! As it get’s to this survival of the fittest paradigm with power, if there are not enough ressources, and the one providing the most can get away with the most stuff, I’ve seen it heared it etc. I wonder how this goes and if it’s actually corrupt, yet as for now I stop. I saw this monkey and I could analyze this stuff, what I really really hate about all of this is, current stage green culture dislikes any question regarding money, any freaking question and it’s a subtle you have to proove yourself to my reality otherwise I fking hate you and I will demolish you or silently destroy you!! Are they aware of the biases of red?

Anyhow, I am curious if more financial stuff will come to me, I’ve meet plenty of rats, and one true hero of mine, so I am sticking to heros, not rats.