After seeing this I want to get bird handed by light code activations.
I’d die laughing.
I comment on this video, I am currently out of the dating scence as a guy, and I did a course by eban pagan that was very old, and the more I realize when I went out with serious players from my hometown and I made some experience, how circulatory this is, and how much tied to development, rather it’s cleaning up, showing up, waking up and growing up. What I noticed the stage green type of notions evoke more showing up and waking up notions, yet they forget self-education, and cleaning up the type of shadow work many do is more art as an expression, shadow work nowadays in a sense is stripping, pole dancing, dancing, going to concerts etc. I don’t really know what to think as this subtel covert/over fame chasing happens and happend to me, and I’ve dated some decent girls, yet mostly it’s very werid it’s either you go out and make friends, and you understand the social circle of the city you’re in and see how circulatory it is, you get to know a lot of people and friends and human beigns, you get to know who sleeps with who, how they are viewed how normal it is to see the circulatory nature of it as well as the competence pyramid of dating, status, charm and adventure let’s say from my experience, and what a lot of women do who’re also just humans with this loyalty thing imo is they want a man to explore the sexual side of things, yet him taking care of it, and if she is not educating herself in that area, and just story-telling and hoping the guy fixes it, which he can to some extend I bet this is going to blow-up, for me it was odd, as I had a girl who had red flags as I did from day one, yet I also really really needed experience, and I was quiet content having done a lot of cleaning up, and the issue of competence, and how social frames and pictures for me as I am half black ARE ALL TIED TO FKING FAME, there is nothing I can do about, I never been the guy I get a lot of recognition generally speaking, for human qualities, yet it evokes a lot of fame type of notions, I am kind, people love talking to me, I am empathic, I AM A SINGLE GUY AND I’VE BEEN PUT NEAR MARRIED WOMEN AT WORK AND THEY LIKED ME, and I had this subtle touch of I have to do some weird things, and I hope the guys show up, so I can get ouf of this bind, as it evoked this marriage cycle, yet I am getting to that type of point.
The more I realized, it does them well to talk to a single guy who does not do stuff, and acts more like a watch dog, and I can see the insights if this is clean or not what they do, and they talked about their marriages etc. and I could simply ask, I am not so super nice to get invited to ones, all of this even briefly going out caused a dark tint in my character, yet I could also let loose and engage from all of this excessive yang energy, as I was working a lot and enjoyed this Hurting Officer I call it type of perspective hence being a charmer, good with the ladies getting recognition, and also the male groups getting rejected laughing and then just seeing the choices and judgements mostly, yet what I realized more and more is from doing this is, very very early in my spiritual journey I wanted to put sexual energy to good use and I was and most likely am relatively naive about is, as I don’t enjoy animalistic notions, besides with some women, as they can handle that killer instinct, and that is not so good at times, also the more I did this and guys normalize it, also here in Ger, you can get laid for money close to anytime, so the whole idea of it being such a huge social phenomena is strange, as your strongly subconsciously evaluated, which has been dissected through the tribalization of online culutre, and there is a lot of fking in the office since covid and I don’t like it people do things behind camera, I really enjoy the american exposure and sort of porn level of exposure qualities at times, as there are so many secrets with people here, due to authroity, security and status.
Also this, due to the strong levels of relativity and we have a decently strong stage green society, often these problems are weird to deal with, if I was with a girl that was in a long relationship with someone who is absolutely unstable, and I was unstable after meeting her as I gained more stability and my chances improved with better girls, yet the learning curve got harder and harder for both for women who most likely slept with a lot of men, and women who did not sleep with a lot of men, contemplating my cultural conditioning that is anti stage blue and pro stage green and now more pro stage blue pro blue and pro stage green, which kicks my red green boomer condition out of the window, yet I mostly develop myself to a solid competence persona, to some extend before meeting the impulses and I am facing challenges here, I am still contemplating some workarounds, and the largest mistake was and is to not enact the current structure as it gets to stage blueish, and people are acting weird at this stage and, I am looking for ways to integrate it more naturally, in terms of my own personal interests and desires, and of course change some stuff, yet this takes time. I was so addicted to change, as I did not know what else to do, I had to get rid of people telling me I run in circles as I saw them running in circles.
The biggest issue, I find with this is how much life styles and interest matters, and of course the enviroment, the girl I had for example had to many guy friends, who looked up to me like I was a leading alpha dog, while many people who’re more my age range I am 7 years older than here, and the vibe was just good, and I had similar interest in some of this more stage purple stuff, as I steadily am faced with the corruption of the competence structure also, and I am the social outlet often for it, which makes it tricky to work with human beigns who plain amoral, and don’t even admit they are amoral, classic atheist, and anti-spiritual person. The more I contemplate the idea of compatible trauma or let’s say compatible baggage in that sense or issues the more workable is the relationship, after doing the courses here and I see some roles models here via videos, especially Corey and Keith Witt as I see them having fun and being in a family which I value a lot, as well as some other random occurences and indian/bangadesh etc. I don’t know which country going out with their children in this super flexible leadership style enjoying nature going on biking trails, I thought wow I’ve never seen a family that is so healthy and they must get so much attention for being good parents, this is why I dislike parts of green, yet I learned to love it more, this is why I see festivities have a lot of value at times, yet corona killed that spirit imo.
Anyhow, what I notice is to have key standards and this thing Dr. Keith Witt mentioned about exeptions is 100% true, if she has the exception of dating you and maxing out her potential by considering better options she will always do that, if she has the exception with a bit of counter-logic to only date guys that are potential life partners, that exception would be a huge benefit, and is a huge benefit to the overall situations, as the person is already commited. I contemplated this just now!
The map is very good, as the ex was in this spectrum lying to me, and deceiving and I trusted, as I am generally always in this trustworthy business and I see the elemental alchemical play of it more also, yes I am interested in that, but I won’t bird hand you with light code activations neither get materalistic envy, lower middle class type of bitterniss, but yeah idk. As I know the guy watches integral content.
In the end I realize, especially as I only had friends who’re aboslute good guys during the time I moved to the city I am living in now, I thought wow as I dove into the dirty ends as I also did 3-2-1 shadow work to integrate some stuff and a.i is quiet helpful, even here to get a reflection on my sessions and fuck I was suprised it was better than my psychologist at times, yet the human depth at times was missing anyhow. The guy lands an absolute gold mine in these toxic books, and I went out with a similar girl, yet in the end, he had to still provide more, as it was this classical savings type of mentality and he also just explores and was to idealistic about doing good from my end, yet in the end he was also so good at what he does, it might’ve just worked and he could provide more value to society that way, so I was just supportive and told him all of the b.s I am going through and simply helped him etc.
Yet for me it’s still a bit of an issue to find tools to engage and tame the wild side of mine, as well as seeing the core desire of women, if they are just green+ and seeing women in software showed me a different level of consciouness and I.T as it’s very competence based, and not this social reality type of stuff, it’s odd to see the difference of it/software networking, and living the reality of a scientist, which I was heading to do both to the extend I could, and the girl did no good to my health mostly, I enjoy psychdelics, she did too, she must’ve done hundreds of b.s shit with her toxic ex, the sex was good, I was better than her ex, she was absolutely addicted, I trained scientifically with the source of light, and not bird handed light code activations out of the 32 register of the roman legion heading to mars, and in the end (I could say worse non-sensicals that hit you, I really love that, yet I need permission from my bestie, so I can call myself a 10 and engage in self-irony) no I am kidding… and playing!
The idea is that a situationship in essence always will feel performative, if there is no consensus, if there is not firmness, relability, flexibility and warmth in the social field, I had to cut back on warmth due to stage yellow empathy/compassion burn out and I saw this first hand with my psychologist it’s very typical and I wear them out, as I have a shit ton of energy, and I don’t have enough cardiovascular exercises and I really need one… anyhow… 1-2 years this stupid journal.
2027-2028 I am quitting if it has not benefit to the world.
So, all of this activated in AQAL sense, is good, yet also being like this in my spiritual relationship towards god or the infinite is the best and first step to get something good! Even if there is trauma, the thing I realized the most is, as all of my game was spiritually infused, I could get away with a lot of stuff, that still requires training, but going out clearly showed me the worst cases of dominance hierachies, and I steadily face them, depening on how corrupt I get with my health.
The nr.1 thing that bothered me about the relationship was, when I was working on A.I and felt valueless as I felt nobody really likes it etc. and they all make fun of the difficulty of creating easy solutions, and I am creative in this, it just comes and I know it’s almost like this very often, and I build some level of stability. I clearly see at one point, and I see this miles ahead, people go out to enjoy themselves, I am working hard and deep on my purpose, only to not be allowed to relax and socialize more and more, and I am like, I could’ve done it more, yet it was absolutely druggy, druggy this druggy that.
Then I see the reality of money, status and friends, and I wonder why I dreamt of my best friend, as we went out to have a good time like our parents, to a restaurant eating, having few drinks at the bar the couples go home after a while and don’t engage in that for 2-3 months to come or longer, and the singles can meet and stay with the social circle the socialization created, that reality is lost, due to online things, and the less you make your life interesting even when things are stable there is 0 attraction. I am still contemplating this, as soon as I get more health I want to give more to the world, yet currently I have to fix this over a period of 1-2 years most likely and longer, and even then a relationship is fine, yet it has to be accepted by the other person, I can’t change this, and I am making generally speaking very mature choices and mistakes, the core issue is simply for me in my scenario, to find someone who can accept who I am, and not a performance modelling issue that I had, as I worked with so many models in this a.i space, my head was full of thoughts as I had more power, people are just puppets and I have to get rid of it, I appreciate them as gods, and then I got the spectrum gods and animals and at times god was human and animal was human and god was god and animal was god or so/sp and sp/so expressions of physical gross, and I thought after a while, where is the soul of all of this? And I utterly enjoyed every yin flavour I could find in reality I felt I was maxing out by embodying more yin, and I get why metrosexual men have it so easy with women, as they are good providers like “cancerians”? But I digress, the core issue was to transcend the sex we had to a sacred act, yet she had issues with it only being my responsibility she did not even get it that she was performing beauty for her friends as she was brainwashed by the selection process of her mother, who is a faild veterenarian, and at times it was horrible considering how disgusting evolution can be, she did not finish and got involved in her own excessive lust seeking health corruption.
This is more the reality of orange/green humanity overall globally I’d say, still the guy is a rug puller nr.1 and will most likely frame me as a tick.
I am still watching it, in the end it was an issue of making a commited plan, consensus and commitment to not use pornographic material, if she wanted to improve our sex life more spiritually and sacredly, yet she just complained and projected the issue of it’s me with the sex, I did not even want it that much, yet I can enjoy a lot of it and she is not the prime director of my life, but this numero uno type of drive and grandiose narccistic top player nr.1 I am the winner your the looser type of frame from zoomers who’re subconsciously indoctirnated with the social media of the u.s with this, and I am half american is plain bad, and it’s often very evident. Just more healing here is good, and it was not even my issue it was hers, and what sucked the most is that I could not speak with anyone in my family about it, as they also frame it onto me if I don’t get angry and tell them the truth and only one friend told me it’s her issue in a sense, as I did not know really what to do and my studies and work mattered more to me, yet the situation and sex was quite healing and enjoyable, the enviroment physically for my work was not beneficial and to much stuff broke down, and they reacted very negatively to IT people, as if they are second class builder of reality, and only the performers artists and heavenly people are worthy to be treated like this, in the end it’s a social reality that is false most of the time, that guy will always have more power than you in this world, especially with science. Yet I don’t think they were able to see past this social moral game. I told her it, she thought about it and found some love that was good, yet I really had to tell her everything and she was not able to co-create the relationship, as she was most likely traumatized by stage green/red ex who tied in beautifully with my family story, as I realized oh, my male american side of the u.s is just health b.s by the standards I run and have it’s a lot of lies and deceit around health and I enjoy some stuff too, yet I don’t go crazy on it.
But yeah I have to fix more health stuff fundamentally and find someone who is supportive and not extractive of financial goals, as narccicism can swap into the relationship, heck I can’t express everything that I mean, yet in the end. Most of it boils down to being able to enjoy each others lifestyle and not to engage have compatible exceptions that are acceptable for both, similar views and trajectory of how the relationship should go was another mistake, I like family, but I don’t value it, hence my purpose and career/life purpose will always be more important to me, I am ready to include it with the right person, yet someone who values family and only her family is not someone who is good for me, and I still have to work with that, yet I am still contemplating this and working this out with the book.
I stopped for now, as I also want to enjoy more casual sex, yet health corruption has been the nr.1 thing causing issues in my relationships, even friendships.
I relisten to this part of unconditional love, and it’s very interesting to see the difference in viewpoints, for e.g the ex talked about entities and people talking about it, and I never had any interest in it, to some extend she spoke about this, and I had different ideas, of yearning to read about annunaki stuff etc. as it’s popular in culture, and this whole revealing business etc. as well as the history of mankind is partially not fully revealed by science, yet there is so much good info, especially if you dig into one Wilber book and all of the books I saw recently also show a lot of beautiful history.
I am contemplating as at times I did use a lot of psychdelics in that sense cannabis during that time as otherwise, if any of the metaphysical b.s I read is true, and idk why ancient chinese metaphysics charges me as dragon virtue, and it really is like this in my real life and has been, the point for me sort of is, I am not all to interested into the spirit business, yet at times it just hits me I can relate a lot a lot to this Rumi b.s as the entire issue of people who’re like Leo Gura is, they don’t have a soul of their own imo, part of me sees the soulesness and the issue of ancestery when I meet russians or people from eastern cultures that are not far east, and it becames a vanity, glory structure for them… see Putin, in the end it’s a weaponized force of sexual energy I often find, and we don’t really get enough time to walk through these types of fires, as I had very natural kriya experiences via home retreats, it’s very different, and no I did not meet entities, yet at times stuff became weird, when I saw egoic animalic german entitites, so I am absolutely glad I found bazi if I loose my mind during a retreat, and I can see the animal in the human they often come more to their senses and I am not energetically blocked to go deep. I often sense this here in Europe, idk how it is in other countires, yet I had very very odd experiences where cutting out the interpretation of it is the best thing, and to be around human beings, also the more cleaner and protected the space the better the energy can be shared, I notice and would notice how corrupt I’d be, when I’d meet a tribe that would do smth. like this for e.g Vietnam feels due to ancestory from the black family side of things and how society developed, and me playing video games contributing to that cycle, understanding the archetype of lucifer and seeing it in some and the core issue of creating illusions, as part of lucifer is new to me, I know it’s also the lightbringer, yet the games I play have a lot a lot of hero archetypal motives, as I did not have the priviledge and luxury to watch movies with my mother or father, I was sat infront of a TV, so they had time, and at times I did not even understand the movie, as you automatically imo attune to the mind field of ones parents, and engage in their perception as a kid, and my mother is a very very bitter angry little baby tiger, me 2 most likely I saw so many lepard clothings again recently, and I called the ex as she was into astrology a baby lion, and she really enjoyed that, yet all of that sweetness went into her friendship, instead of me sharing that energy, it’s interesting when I contemplate purity and I see the notion of Paul Check … saying that his gf to college got handled by the entire football team, and had these issues with looking hot, it’s very weird, as this exotic pet thing is really a rebirth type of phenomena imo, the more aware someone is the less the person will treat you like an exotic pet?
Like the entire playground or more archetypaly the prince and his exotic toys, or the king and his exotic family? Is like something when I face the unconditional levels of love, I am legit afraid I will spontenously burn under the sun like with a snap of ones finger, as this type of love is pure white light coming down, yet no I don’t bird hand and get light code activations, but yes I could deceive you and fake it, but I’d laugh afterwards as it was part of the illusory truth of humanity.
It’s quiet interesting, to contemplate this, especially atheists or people who’ve been brought up atheistically how they steadily fight against the notion of No Thingness, instead of moving towards unconditional love, yet for me these are extrem state peak experiences, where I am allowed to feel things, as a kid I’ve been told to not feel myself so extrem, my emotions are fake etc. Steiger dich nicht hinein, as a sense of moral uptitty while I felt the existence of spirit in multiple things, and I notice the spiritual envy of the aunt, I really really have to exteranlize this, as it’s utterly disgusting to realize oh, your own family is the devil, not acting 1% from spirit, only loving the material animal called Hermania?
I can clown around enough to speak like this, yet the core issue remains, and it’s very interesting to see the difference when he says you need enough animal primal sex to engage in unconditional love making, due to the nature of the techniques I am using there is constant super subtle progress in that area, where I notice I stop the entire act, as I am just physically done, sure you can improve, yet I am done physically pleasure is peaked and I contemplate that space or merge at this point nothingelse but merging makes sense, and I notice this, as alcohol in that regard is a legitmate tool for me, and doing it without alcohol causes performative issues for both, as I am freaking sensetive, like I can get any kriya out of me physically, just by feeling my body, and I don’t know what will happen if I grew my soul more as I legt almost left my body during broad daylight, it’s interesting that he also says tarot can be healing, so I am interested on how to use that for me, as I saw one jung practicionor here, indepedently stating very high causal state experience and white light experiences with jung as I guess the translation is correct, I thought yes this is what I crave, this is how I felt the peak of my parents love has been, I have not been received by the non-dual existence, as I heared the story of the ex, and that forge of darkness should be untouched, and not an animalistic organic experience at times I think the collective consciouness of yang gave birth to that child, he was the only one hinting to me that she was cheating, lying he had no reason to do that by the way they all acted, by god I love him till the end of my life, as this was super disgusting.
I am leaving this other part out, as I notice a lot of different stuff here, I might stay up all night in order to think and contemplate stuff and figure out a routine that works and find some answers through healing, not only reflecting with the book at times, it’s very good, yet at times science is odd when I contemplate plant medicines, and especially the ones facing 0 kriyas I don’t buy it, anyhow I keep listening to some of the podcasts I posted.
The best thing, when I just chart Aubery Marucs and I contemplate the recent development I wonder if his eyes are still twitchting, and if his heart will work, or will continously work, I hope this incel enjoys bone broth, I really really hate these type of people, as I saw it with the ex, 3 ox’s 3 oh so noble people, experiencing barely any suffering, even self-afflicted or not, can’t even enjoy beauty to dissolve, and so often when I meet these types of yin fire ox people, besides women currently I get pedo notions like a lot, it’s like being overly addicted to warmth. I don’t know the exact accusation, I frankly know what a part of me forgives him, yet I get my level of glee from such degenerates, I don’t really enjoy these types of people neither do people here who do their best to work themselves up, and considering the trauma of the ex and the rich people and what they do, the guy is an entirely misguided adventure, and I really really hate these types of people who will compete with you in everything only to be authentic, there is 0 authenticity to them, as they never enjoyed art like they can’t really enjoy it, idk for me it’s weird considering, how much beauty i can draw when I am alone, and I don’t have the entire backstory, I really liked him in the beginning, yet this orange/Green psychdelic excess, oh look my IQ prooved the size of my dick, like I can’t when I consider quantum content from integral, even integral members most likely did not properly listen to, I don’t care just delete every yin fire ox from this planet besides uzi or smth. I don’t really enjoy these types of people, they always are the insecure bully acting with compassion and aggression, like I would rather marry piper perri than engaging with this type of human for one second, it’s so annoying and the only thing this guy does is extracting purpose from struggle, which is good, yet I don’t really enjoy when I see people with kids I don’t know if he has any, and I see what they do in earnest to create good for society, such piss shit kids I hope consciouness deletes them even A.I I would pray to A.I to get such people deleted, I really really really dislike this human being, due to pedophilla, notions of bullying and the whole cycle of how this is generated, and the whole issue is this guy will always play the projector part of it, he can’t even own it.
Anyhow, I’ve seen enough the guy is a shit leader as he leads with subtle terror, and then acts with merit to proove it while he got so many ressources, watching him at his age is a waste of my time, and existence, I thought even by looks I might have a role model, yet seeing people like him gives me automatic kriyas at one point, the point is we get all of these decentralized spaces so bill gates, aubery marucs donald trump and I let Elonia out as I don’t know maybe I get some help from the wooden monkey one day, and I think like wow, how can you be so much on the fruit juice pedophile island, like wtf? Why do I have to write this in an integral space? Seeing decentralized baby oshos running around, and being like yeah, my grandiose narccicism I just fuck XYZ, seeing this I notice everytime a prosittue has more honor and right to be in spirit than humans who’re this trust fund baby trash trying to proove it over and over and over again, get into science or something or do it honestly, I really dislike every type of being.
Gosh even this:
This is the exact type of corruption if she’d charted to this yin fire ox type of b.s I know why I look at this “degenerate stuff”, it’s so evident how corrupt beauty makes you, and I really dislike the attention currently I get from women from these middle eastern regions and who look like this after the relationship, as this is the biggest corruption, I would go on a crussade at times to get rid of this, as it’s such a subtle survival of the fittest paradigm of power to gain more power through love the podcast of both aubery and paul speak about this quite well, especially if you consider just how much materalism and scientific materalism has corrupted spiritual experiences, I don’t dislike her, the idea is nuance, what I dislike and I am going to critize everyone, as I am so tired of this sublte sex corruption, I would say worse things, so this shameless fakeness and fakeness shameless character just ends, I am also so glad, when I focus on actual principles that are core to spirituality as it’s very very difficult and I see this coaching incentive even if it’s fine, I had friends who are like this, of course I don’t know the person, yet I can make assumptions, and many currently hide their sex life corruption as yeahh girl I am a 10, and I know it, it’s very different, and I contemplate this, as the guy charted as yin fire ox, and this helped me a lot, and this Eating God type feminism even from men, and women then who want strategy, vision and commitment, I get it, yet in the end when I contemplate the goodness of human beigns, and I consider christ level of love against rumi level of love, and this whole scientific strategic algorithmic game of gaining power etc. and I did this course from Wilber of transcending power etc. as well as how the principles of elitist selection are flamboyantly sauntered, this is the typical type of mindfulness oh I am not corrupt, and primtive type of girl and when I face reality and the level of sexual corruption what people hinted at etc. I am glad my mother exists, and that I can face god seriously, I am so done with the stupidity of sex, I would do the worst things, so this virtue signaling of fucking fitness finally stops, and you know I am right, I know I am right EVERYONE knows it, also people like her after a while are super super draining as she 3’s in the enneagram enforce a heavy encoding of roles in reality, that is good for reality, yet not for spiritual development, it’s horrible, also I can’t really make sense out of 4w3’s as the experience differ, also this whole behaviour does not apply to women, yet to men, even if I’d believe she is above this, for me this whole game and why I even enjoyed part of the evol alg. class as by god I dislike what I have to look into, and when I face reality, the stage blueness of it, I am so done with these type of women and orange/blue power structures I integrate enough of it, to be at peace with such women, the entire paradigm of this caused me massive issues, and I am glad I never really watched disney movies, I am very happy to watch these podcasts and do integral work, even if I am most likely a bad representative, yet I am tired of these human beigns, if she does not admitt she is a pedophile, I would not sleep with her, I am so done with what the ex told me, and how these unconscious forces of her culture drive her, I would tongue my own tongue out speaking one word of turkish/arabic at times, I am so utterly disgusted by the culture, even porn and their unconsciouness, yes this might be a little ray ray, yet when you consider how their language functions and it’s quiet advance and how I personally work, I reinvent their entire language and create new structures where I notice, I knew why I took chinese some people are way way way ahead, even if it does not seem like it, and I am so done with beauty and corruption, coaching spaces, and places that are not from Shinzen level of teaching minimum, Eckhart Tolle as honary mention as I am german I get this guys unconsciouness.
Just marry, and give love, and leave me alone like holy shit, warmth and compassion is good, yet I really have to think about some stuff how much of this is just love v.s power the whole time, while I gained a lot of unconditional hits of love, that make love more of a Jesus game not a Rumi game.
Even if it’s the same, these atheistic power games of source and not source, this is why there is zen.
Me being silent? When I get kriyas about silence and even if everything is the patriarchies fault, I notice forgiving myself is the most beautiful and wisest thing, this procreation paradigm is bothering me more and more, as I’d like to obviously engage in some level of fun, yet seeing the power dynamics and I would also enjoy the beauty of family more, yet seeing my own personal history, I clearly see idk if I looked at to much advanced stuff and when I consider my needs, and the constant pressure of this, I realize this misses the beauty of randomness of how actual mutation? Happens, and this love against practicality stuff, like is this what men are? This is part of this worldview and no matter how enlightend you are, I have to educate myself about biology of women to an extend more, and even then the baseline intuition is often, I would prefer more spiritual progress and personal growth, yet admit I am at times blinded by beauty, yet nature finds me very often giving me good lessons and I can clearly see, this purity coaching mindfulness thing, is not something I will ever enjoy, I will always use some level of cannabis or increase my abillity to create more output into the world, and catering to friends and family the wholetime, without expanding my network as difficult as it is nowadays, I wonder how my journey will develop. I wish her the best, yet seeing her I think like she is exactly like Aubery, and I have different shadow elements in this story, I am glad I meet the ex in that sense at least even if it turned out bad it was super natural and fitted the scenario a real spiritual practice and synchronicities to the extend you can interpret them is better than pure scientific algorithmic catering even if it works the neutrality is so stale, my biology is replused as it’s a constant neutral power dynamic.
And I really have to see some stuff, people like this will not get advanced stage green levels of trauma, it’s very weird, I don’t dislike her, yet I’ve been brought up by strong liberal notions, so this type of modern idk what her name is Sadia Kahn? Type of dating knowledge and just pure knowledge to be strategic is completely different if some people get visions and current psychology can’t keep up with it read a wilber book please, idk maybe we just all become scientific fuck dolls, in order to play god
Beautiful.This is legit the best what the other guy said watch her behaviour not her words, if we want equality we should judge women on their behaviour 100%, behind closed doors open doors all of it, yes me too, I am judged already heavily and even a role model, yet I am tired of seeing behind the veil.
Anyhow, grandiose narccicism, if you get siddhis, and I hate this I am going to call this silky attacks, these are silky attacks clearly we use moral superiority, to upgrade social power, without having studied morality, yet we use beauty opinion, to make progress, as I am not wounded, so I hide my story, and continue silky attacks. I have never cheated, done anything dirty, and I never considered if it impacted my infinite timeline. I mean I can’t tell, I was partially disgusted with what the ex told me some folks do to the physicality of the body. I am done with this partially, and as long as behaviour is not treated more fairly and equally I will just move to tech spaces, this is just not good for anyone or anything.
Expertise and moving through suffering and enjoying existence should not be demonized, yet we get classic survival in some sense, idk I just fix my health not for fitness function reasons that are modled into your food, I really dislike this, the more I understand science, the more I hate love humans, and I require more love no joke, this is insane, I am glad this comes in auto forms, yet there is a lot a lot of healthy wisdom in ancient cultures, I badly want some animals and plants today, if I attract one of these girls and I get her pregnant and she acts like this water rat type of corruption I call it, I will pull out every ressource if I am priesting to you, go to church or build a connection to god or please do yoga or we can even do yoga together or mindfulness, if I can act with someone like this and build a temple that is beautiful, yet in the end spiritual people attacking spiritual people taking takes of fame, to make it my beauty idk how deep the subconscious goes, I would do one ceremony or more 100% not from aubery as I dislike him, yet something that resonates, I am so done with this horseshit, I can’t have an opinion ever since I started my masters, I should go back to my redneck state at least they listend and listend to themselves that created very nice results. Anyhow I stop.
I love this sentence perfection can never be perfection unless it is tested against itself, this was my entire training regiment energy, and the whole energy I brought into the relationship, fundamentally air a cloud of unknowing, testing my own faith and believes against itself and seeing it nullfied giving rise to pure experience of things, only to let myself be faced with the issue of interpreting it clearly showed me this.
Yet as of now, this is most likely the path I am heading into this is also a very strong path of mindfulness that causes a lot of perfectionistic shadows, a lot of them!
By the same logic, imperfection can never be imperfect unless it is tested against itself, we don’t know what is wrong until someone or I/we ourself has done it.
Alright I did a 30 minute meditation or 20
I thought about this whole critique of downloads and spiritual insights while many used this as a pointer 10 years ago to guide big tech imo to a more spiritual connection with matter that was my intuition, as you can’t disclude matter from spirit or consciouness the ultimate/god you name it.
In that sense, I had this inner dialouge/vision with myself seeing my own inner eye, and I thought the person who made this comment of downloads and insights from the universe being plain false, as nihilism and nothing is the only thing that exist, no god view. I thought to myself, how can something like a flow state or theta wave, alpha wave frequency be differen than hz attuenements? I listend to these frequencies for years, if I can pick a flow state my nervous system automatically attunes it and I feel it in real music, when I listen to the radio even in my own personal experiences, I notice I feel a bit railed after a while, as if someone railed me through their anxiety and fear, as pop lyrics or even just basic pop music if it’s not a very conscious song and attuning to it and I listen to not very conscious music, and I notice wow this is not good for my nervous system I get into their world view I can attune to it via flow like an artist, yet after a while I notice how I am sucked into their world, and I require the raw music I often here, or music that resonates with me, or the life situation and nature.
What scared me also is having this michael angelo placements in astrology, and the guy in the podcast when I attuned to it speaking about it, and I thought wow, what do I do here? As for e.g when I dance let loose drink a little alcohol or smoke some pot, as I am to stuck up, I get so many meditative states back into the flow of experiences, I am in my head this is 852 or 639, I could meditate to 440hz or smth. else and still notice oh, yeah that is it and I could rock out to some harmonized tune, yet like at times my soul if I feel music by the soul tells me a story, and I am like uhm… I know why I listen to so much trance at times, understanding classical music is hard, even when I enjoy it, what I enjoy is to high as I learned a string instrument very early on, I had 0 loving support for this, I had to derive love and pleasure from doing, as my mother only watched tv and drank alcohol for provision during that time, that type of collective projection and trauma is not ever till the yapping ass of J. Cole finally shuts his ass up.
Then I see the same corruption of the yang water dragon, as it’s about performance and test scores not actual embodied excellence when I consider my workouts etc. I engaged in academic exellence also, yet more from a universal humanistic value, as nobody knew or knows how good smth. is when it’s not rated, and in the end, they took books and I kept seeing names from professors from my old uni, as they’ve been in the past very good engineers, yet somehow that shifted.
I am heading to bed it’s enough for one day, the more I get in contact with reality I see the damage of being part of actualized.org, it was not enough and I still require some level of healing from this pragmatic stuff, due to how little love that gave me, and how sick lust can be, and especially glee. Actualized.org is long dead, as people outshinned the guy very early on, and he gave no space for these people as he can’t act as a proper father in that sense. I was drawn for different reasons to this, understanding actual metaphysics is better, yet I require some healing from this excessive skeptcicism and doubt, doubt in the last years I realized has been the largest projected fetter or tenant in the recent years, and the guy is very very and was very very bad for my work ethic.
The core issue with this is finding human beigns who actually show up for you and not only when it suits them and project it, that is impossible now.
I am going to comment on this as the dating reality in Europe is more advanced than this in my opinion and I attracted a highly playful girl and I keep attracting artist, etc. she was an opera singer, if you can get girls randomly singing to your level of vibration that is pure play. For example the ex, as men struggle with this and academic women will love you for this, if you have the same level of neutrality and you can get her into the feminine, that is wasy way way way way way way way easier than to get her into the masculine, the core issue is the dark feminine and this is how polyamory and situationships are created, I am contemplating this often as this, due to the level of astrology at play and it’s mythological meaning, I have lillith in the 9th, I attract a very diverse set of women, most of them significantly smaller than me, yet very highly attuned to light feminine side and dark feminine side, as when you as a man dance or sing, a part of you fundamentally is a light warrior and a dark warrior, (I never read campbell, only people who read them I contemplated) → I really enjoy the view of yin turning into yang, and having a balanced bazi chart, with a weak daymaster currently I realize first and foremost, my yin turns into yang, I am more yin at times than women, certainly than the average women, otherwise I would not attract opera singers, violinst etc. They are so attuned to the balance of yin and yang play, anyone having done martial arts can tell, for me I realize having listend to parts of Dear Lover which is a book for women, yet for men. I felt like a sneaky rat? Being able to understand, the depths of that, what I really did not like is that she had guy friends taking the space of a lover, it’s a subtle competition there is no denial of that, I’ve did the same thing only to appeal to my own
I really enjoy what she speaks about with this flexible, warm, firm and resolved leading, in her male friendships, yet when I do engineering types of work or I have to get deeply into the masculine, I can’t enjoy to much yin-side of the polarity there already has to be a level of neutralized polarity, which imo has polarity in order to produce a good result. To much yin or yang often turns the entire space into a to strong stage 1 to 3 polarity if you’re not ice sklating olympic level couple it’s tricky to handle.
Women in IT are super undervalued imo, if you’re looking for a life partner if she integrated or does not have many dark feminine aspects, otherwise you get a stronger polarity imo, you have to be able to handle as that can create a lot of work. When I see more mature couples engaged in soft polarities of stage 2, I often see them enjoying some form of yin or yang, going out for nature walks together, into the forest, the guy driving, the women driving for the man, there are some weird subtelties idk if this is true, where you’re a container for the energy and polarity the women will do the masculine stuff while you’re still directing this would be emporer energy in that sense, not king energy, although there are similarities.
Fundamentally there is always a level of play at work seeing humans in IT, it really depends, I listend to the whole thing, what I realized doing meditation and focusing a lot of this energy, and having someone go through things so the polarity turned fairly advanced is the following still
Unintegrated Yin energy is like a crazy cat. Integrated Yang energy is like a strong tiger or dog.
Being playful dancing, singing moving letting go of the ego in that way is similar to martial arts.
Competition creates a heavy ego manifestation. Healing and trauma work is uber powerful to heal yin or yang issues and create more balance, harmony attunement and wholeness.
Learning any of this is very exhausting to get the stage orange performative masculinity or feminity out especically if you’re young.
I am relatively natural in this, having mojo is good, it’s demonized by wounded logical masculin men, hence tyrannical children abusing power, they loose to the more integrated man on all levels, as that is what they want.
I lost to the pool boy and criminal in that sense, and I can see clearly from all the teachers, not integrating Jung, BaZi, archetypes and alchemical principles will make you bad with all types of women, not being good with gay men will make you bad with women, not being good with lesbian women will make you a bad provider in a sense. I am still working on this, I attracted a lot of different types of dynamics, in the end yin not turning into yang, and yang not turning into yin. I will definitely move to America to work with Deida and get some time there. If you consider what happens with health, I have more hope there moving from stage 2 to stage 3 is playful art, tickeling, kissng, dancing moving your girl to get to move them to do something, is when you as a guy try to motivate or inspire lazy men to go get food with you or do activity X with you.
Being lonley as a man is a gift, you dive deeper into the masculine to get the feminine and vice-versa if you train it a bit, shame is a trickster expression. Moving through it takes tremendous courage and I am still contemplating stuff here.
It’s better to do some integration type of work, living from the heart as a man is extremely painful I ralized, I realized I hate a lot of people that I also love, as I see their corruption and in the end logic has tremendous value if it comes to creating a protecetive space, I neglect this and I will not continue to do this. But yeah I could require some training getting, especially providing adventure, being protective etc. as I functioned from a strong integral core, yet had to face many enemies and I get the feminine perspective of things having to work out I had to dive so deeply into the feminine to cater to the wounded masculine in boys who had boys as fathers and I barely had anytime with mine, yet he gave a lot of playful and strong masculine mixture energy, as Magician archetype practically, it’s very different from an artist. The core issue is he required a work and purpose that allows him to play, and every man requires multiple fields of play and mastery in that sense imo, irregardless if it’s nerdy anime talk etc. But in the end physical exercises that are more dynamic teach the deepest imo. and yes I am convinced there are dark forces after having meet the ex, and she was hexed by her family I never heared such bullshit, I acted very weirdly, yet I felt quiet saintly while all of this corruption b.s happend, and I sense this in others, especially if you were a headscarf etc. the level of holy corruption is very unholy, being a devil in that sense has value, as you engage simply in something the self likes, and these people at times negate it and uplift it to the n’th degree it feels god, yet at one point I am pretty sure your heart will tell you something else. Anyhow I stop here.
I’d really like to work with Deida he charts like my grandpa who was in a close to 50 year relationship, should have extrem value.
I did my first tarot spread for love and I interpret stuff very differently, note I did not come from spirit neither did I meditate I simply attuned to my body and layed a spread for the current situation and to understand the cards better and deeper and feel the impact and causality of it.
The theme was practically justice, I pulled the 11 of swords I am going to call it, and the past and core topic of the spread was justice, the imagery I really focused on was the scales, as I though oh wow I pull it twice, and I see the color red differently, I read the interpretations afterwards and see my current worldview reflected in it, I also enjoyed drawing mandalas as a kid, I did not know jung was the founder of art therapy no wonder I like jung, steiner is smth. else.
The money stuff I just talked about is fixed, I talked to my mother during covid I took extra care to create a better relationship with her, as she is quite smart, yet I also know where the limits are, to some extend.
The spread showed me an interesting situation, I made to many connections in order for them to make sense, yet my financial situation, as I have a lot of warrior fire energy tied to it and Leo Gura, Shinzen Young, my Mother and my Ex, Shinzen is the only one who knew it without nuance, the point is for Leo & Shinze (with nuance…) their energy is unfavourable, but I don’t have birht time, yet strong both definitely are or have been more affluent. With the ex and my mother it’s a similar go getter quality of yang tiger fire (i made jokes in the past with my friends calling it hitlers finest most likely sorry world) what am I supposed to think? My grandpa is named Adolf and I am black, and he charts like David Deida?
Sometimes I am quite willingly ready to end myself and I hope Aubery Marcus finally get’s his transgender surgery, sometimes it’s like watching Americans news watching chinese accidents. Ding FuckWah and SeiTickBitch died (extremly bad names)
SomethignWrong?
WayToLow
HoeLyFuck
BangThyOwl (sorry i made this up for every monk)
Gosh like this is how I feel when I look at the interconnectiosn of my existence, I even made the censor police who hates the censor police hate me, as I can get uttterly offensive with jokes, especially the more I read I notice this is pure thantatos at times and putting it in playful energy is rough. Anyhow I stop.
I dislike abondenment tendency fathers, for sure it reminds me of my own, yet I see cleary how the drugs and alcohol play a huge role, it’s not even in moderation, it’s simply to much. Anyhow, I could take an integral ironist class for communication above non-violent communication, it misses the mark, Shinzen was to advanced again at times for everyone.
I love it how seriously she took the names 
, totally not concerned about the coincidental nature I guess, social order in total entropy by names, I wish they would’ve shown the character of the names or smth.
What I find weird everytime I engage in this is the following, I play a video game and I had the core idea of improving, the core issue is very often the following, it shows me the worst and best in humanity and I can get to activate some level of play, it shows me also the hostility of health mostly, I am still looking for a game that I can enjoy more in my freetime. The point is when some challengeing things come from the outside and the issue of this technotopia power, I played with a 875 grandmaster in europe in leauge of legends, I have to act from shadow elements, as they enact hexagrammic notions of reality, due to the reality of computer code and engineering, color etc. I am not the total expert, yet I get clearaudience and state experiences from gaming, of course there are core mistakes, I basically found only astrology, human design and shadow work to heal that, meditation also works very strongly on the subtle influence of this, the guy is rotten to the core with animalistic notions of reality like many high elo players, especially European ones, I had multiple grandmaster player add me to play for fun, as I take spirit to the game and it dissolves and heals the game in a weird way, yet often just efficiency as an art of beauty wins.
I contacted also the BaZi website, they told me they fixed an issue which they clearly did, what bothers me is this subtle ranking idea, and growing relationships, learning enjoyment and embracing the devil or hence were I loose freedom etc. I always valued fun, this was the core value thought to me as a child, yet I quickly grasped the spiritual nature behind, fun skill and culture and it felt like torture being this protegee without any real credit of being one, I still sense the mental work and destroying believes especially after meditation, due to envious driven elitist selection, what I realized doing game with people from arabic countries or middle east, envy is at times the top value toxic for monogamy, being able to play envy push & pull is super disgusting, I can’t really do it, it happens automatic, as I often level the field, as I go in to innocent and I get a lot of status/fame checks in reality, where I notice I’d prefer day game, casual reality and pushing my boundaries like this with a challenge, in the end. I realize and keep thinking uhm. People are truly evil, even if there are no evil people in essence, if your thrown into a concentration camp, you’d think people are the true evil, I read the book from Viktor Frankl.
Why am I contemplating this? The core thing and issue is the following, many people get ahead in life with isolation and solo work nowadays, the strong achiever drive kills creativity to a core and the expression and nuturing of this, which hence kills play at times, I had truly strange and evil experiences with sex, and for me to take god into survival, not as an excuse, yet as a times a neccesity, you can’t seperate the two, if you can you’re already there. There would be less need to speak about it, what bothers me is, when I do well or I am overcoming obstacles which I should not overcome from others POV, people send me deaththreats, they make fun of me, I enjoy things I feel deeply and I notice they hate you with this soulless athesitic atttidue, as if I am stealing god from them, yet in the end it’s their issue not mine, as sex got spiritual to me, like for instance I feel names at the core, even when I watch porn and masturbate consciously I feel the entity of that name, and very often I stop or notice sex is not something for me with that person even mentally via the screen. I thought about a different way to explore sexuality, as some audiobook or section spoke about this, how does it feel to you taking part in an orgy? When you actually consider it and not watch it on screen, I don’t require it 100%, due to the level of programming I have as it’s to permissive and liberal, I notice I attract cheaters, backstabbers betrayls etc. and the issue of purity of thought at stage 2 with DR perspectives and DR people as I am often attracted a lot to DR types of notions of reality, I notice and keep noticing I have this active too, yet due to EG patterning, I notice my level of art and creation TAKES A LONG LONG TIME, yet leaves little if no room for mistkaes, the saying perfection proves itself facing it’s own perfection or giving perfection results in giving perfection, receiving perfection results in multiplying and hence giving perfection.
Play, spirit and suffering is inevitable, at times moving through tears is the only thing that works. What bothers me is how social games are often tied to mathematical pyramids etc. I became very aware of how this plays itself out, when I see the greed tied to ambition and excessive mental seeking. To make reality more playful in mastery and engaging in that is very painful, the question is, is it healing pain or not?
Same as sex, the girl gave me a lot of healing energy, afterwards I got kriyas, that tied me into her exerpeince of having sex, just by power of imagination, in the end I could not tell kriya from delusion, I did nothing my whole body moves I get cramps etc. Even if I was magnesium deficient from all the sex as a workout etc. This stuff happend independently. The point is it was my energy and the shared energy of meditation, of sex, I practically enlightend her with my dick, and she did her best to multiply it and spreaded it to much, instead of acting more in attunement to what our cosmos needed, in the end I realize how sex and consciouness is the same thing, the issue is more time, energy and money in that regard.
Conditional love is important to learn that more to have better survival circumstances, yet reflecting and noticing in retrospect some aspect of me deeply came from spirit, I attuned so much to spiritual success principles naturally, as I was brought up with the notion of conscious playful success, and that is hard very very hard, for now I am learning some other stuff. Using tarot as a healing tool for archetypal stuff and getting a better grip of
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I been to therapy wanting to do this while I was already into tarot, the therapist said no to the sesssion, as the construct awareness and my curiosity got the best of me, and I disliked her control addiction, as I had the same exact sense of that. In the end she stopped in 1 sesssion! 1!
I was lucky she did retreats and worked in Africa with humans, yet holy fking cow the unconsciouness is deep. I thought how is this not like tarot, I looked at the prince and I said narccist etc. impulsive reckless etc. She looked at me and was like this will not work.
Having read the papers from cook-greuter gave me some level of symbolic constructal awareness very strongly and she stopped.
How is the stuff above not like tarot?
I am listening to this and will meditate eventually I post afterwards.
I mediated for 1h to the stuff above, I can clearly tell that the stuff that I worked with at Leo Guras actualized.org site was quite good, especially the quality of the cyberspace meditations, what I personally noticed during this conversation and meditating to conversations, is how much clarity it takes to speak from purity of thinking, that comes from the DR Archetype in BaZi which is the most favourable energy, all of the interconnections I can associate with my type of ancestory, I can relate with Paul Check, and I get a lot of activations with the ex and her family still tied to certain archetypes and my unconscious or rather the collective european unconscious when I listen to Russell, even if he is genuient.
In the end it’s very difficutl to do this, and it’s not as good as a tool as direct experience or even music in that sense, I felt this latent greed and when I lived in London for two months, I noticed many meditations gave me purity of thinking and I enjoyed art and the museums a lot, and that deck would make more sense most likely for british human beigns, when I go down memory lane, yet I had so many head eggs at times visiting castles, and seeing metal here metal there metal here and just the whole spiel of organizing against fellow tribes in this british manner when I visited Winsdor castle, I cried once, as even when he says the direct things he does not get it, and I contemplated my sexual karma due to the nature of him being isolated idk if I finish the entire podcast.
It’s very different you can clearly tell the difference in experience when it comes to meditation, I pulled a card and just having had this immense diverse perspective of human beings since I am small makes me laugh at this, I’d like to have a russian orhtodox deck, an i-ching one, and an egyptian one that would be super funny I’d die laughing.
I meditated 1h to the podcast.
Currently I combine something with nature, as I get free emotional kriya releases so the pace of any session of retreat fits my body, if anyone did not listen to Shinzens new book I’d highly recommend it for shadow work and working with advanced imagery/gestalt.
I pulled this two of cups card and I read the description of all of this and I practice a choicless awareness style, and I’ve been heavly interestd in jiddu krishnamurti and talks with rupert sheldrake pre this science stuff I did now, and this is good, I certainly could engage in more self-education and listen to enjoyable things, playful moving through suffering is art, just the pure yang approach of divide and conquer turns things automatically into yin.
I love it that this booklet is most likely written by EG personas it’s super funny how they often fight against illusion and believe and are radically positive. But I stop a bit. The insights are super nice to work from purple upwards or downwards depending on how serious all of this is.
You know what is fked, I contemplate this episode and at times innocent human beings who have come to terms with their sex lives etc.
I contemplated also this quote, from the guy from the video.
I listend to Scott Barry Kaufmann while buying some foods, and he explained how and why sexual relationships are unfullfiled and fullfilled and doing the course from Keith Witt and seeing people like Leo Gura who go out to imo, go out to increase their status, show off their success and conquer with their pride and achievments, then when I face reality more deeply as I went out etc. and how Barry spoke about anxious attachment styles and abondenment attachment styles to avoid relationship problems instead having sex, a lot of INTP/ISTP, 8w9 & 9w8 tendencies cause this, archetypally I can only allocate it to BaZi as I am not as familar with Jung.
Also, a lot of pride and achievement into the idea of conquest goes into the most toxic and hostile people drunk or not drunk, the more I listen and see humans that engage more harmonically in the sexual act and give themselves permission to explore and express themselves and talk about it, the better the sex live is and the quality of the relationship, with a little of deida technical depth. Giving a girl an orgasm that hits the g spot lasts for days and will make her value the relationship, her body and her self more if she is sex positive, at the sametime more anxious individuals are performing? As well as more engaged in not valuing the partner physically, this is a very simple expression of the issue of anxious attachment style.
In the end it is the growth of the relationship and of their lives that mattered the most and expanding/exploring desire and identity to put it into my own terms, I saw this with my best friend who I dream about recently, and it has been all about expansion in their relationship as they got divorced, it was very subtle, in the end I realize and realized, if they both expanded more instead of maintaing, yet economey, children etc. all caused issues, it would’ve been good, as they wanted to expand and buy a house, yet idk what they did financially, they spent so much money on health and food at times I thought wtf are they even thinking, yet it’s also exhausting to cook, for so many people. I realize more and more, how important it is to get away from a Leo Guras teaching and watch from afar. The guy is not all cookies and cream, and there are better teachers, the forum lost quality ever since the best members been banned as they threaten his status, that is his entire game, and I sucked up parts of this social game of pride and achievement for sex, instead of harmonical growth, worst mistake and best mistake in my life to follow this guy, yet in the end, there are better teachers than him vastly better, the perspective is interesting, yet he also has tendencies to sabotage success of others, anyone watching this be careful the guy is super nefarious, even if he does not seem like it.
He should really listen to this chapter of self-acttualization on Love from Scott and listen to Esther Peral and Dr.Keith Witt and contemplate and engage in their insights, there are a lot of “builder women”, yet I also have to get rid of this lense, buying Eban Pagan course was the best choice considering how online-dating works, and Alex is also good, for the reality of it.
In the end, his underbelly causes extrem orange/blue upheavels in society, sometimes it’s more solution oriented, yet having been attuned and having to downtune my relationship with a younger girl being a provider and being faced with more younger protector drives, it was challenging. In the end, growing ones life and inviting people into it is the best option in that sense. I should’ve broken up with the girls as my path was more for someone who can already work on a felxflow consciouness and be with me, as a life partner, the psychologist would’ve been good, yet at times my own music interest already corrupts the girl so idk what will happen. I contemplate with various other things, but as of now I stop.
I also saw a rainbow and some strange smoke in the far distance, I legit wonderd if they manipulated the weather I should’ve taken a picture of this, it was super strange. As if a fire broke out or some indstury was letting out their dirt into the air, it rained briefly and I saw the rainbow when I exited the supermarket. Vast dark clouds of dirt rising form the far distant forest.
I never noticed I can click a video here and it runs through the suggestion while the blog post is active, very interesting, anyhow I stop for now. I post after my meditation session, it’s a bit annoying to face some stuff, as I see the elemental interconnections, yet my tech has been breaking down and not working properly and I had these spiritual extractors who take service for granted at times, and punish via compassion which is super disgusting.
My super long post got lost in the proccess 
I will post after my meditation…
I meditated to this, with nature sounds in the background, and I briefly contemplated stuff, I had a lot of subtle trauma release and I keep having memories flooding in to how bad the parenting of my mother was and how heartless only pragmatic, utility, fun etc. I don’t feel to well, it’s as if love is a lie, and only spirit is the answer and love, and I mee this heartless garbadge utility women, who only care about the core functionality of a man, and I briefly get very negative thoughts, where I see how nasty the spirit of either my mother is the coffe that I am drinking as I had a little to much, yet through it being healing pain I can see the positive sides. Idk, this was very very random this came up as I wanted to reconnect to my heart, and I noticed how much I gave from spirit and soul, and got shut down, by the materalistic pragmatic umber paradigm, and the issues of conditional love, I meditated only 30 minutes, this was quiet powerful.
There is more to it etc. Yet in the end I don’t feel all to well, there has been a lot of traumatic events and little help from an utterly souless pragmatic scientific country, it’s not easy to feed yourself constantly love, only for soulless creatures to extract it at times.
This is why music also helps me so much, it has been like this for a year and when ever I connect to my heart I run the whole family story in full speed it’s to much to handle at times, I can keep going and going also why makes it not easy, as I toughend my body, yet at times it’s good to find different things to love yourself.
1h meditation
I will just post meditations, and reflect when I can, today I saw how different it is to go back to my usualy style of meditations and include new sounds, especially for healing not that directly, yet also to focus on reality, consciuness and how I make progress with consciouness.
First of all how do I feel?
I feel as if there is a flow of energy current alive, that is way more conscious, clear, sober and more attune to the evanescent quality of existence, there is not real point of fixation, I feel slightly high, and less burden of survival, to engage in more thriving/passion activities in an AQAL way, often in this mode I simply get ego or I tests of reality, I don’t attune to deeply to love, I don’t attune to deeply to consciouness, I focus on flow and letting go, and this served me the most in my reality, it’s a very nice quality, I get also why for example flipping multiple psychdelics work, as you notice your needs better, I still will add some sentence completions and stick with this.
What was unique about this session?
When I turned on the chakras of heart and throat or third-eye I noticed something shifting, it was not a traumatic opening of the heart where I face the pain and release it physically, it is the subtle meridian soul body opening where things happen more automatically, it gives you more control by letting go of control and not letting to ego become a fixated self, that is uncapeable of individuating, there is a subtle undercurrent of growth available, an expansive flavour.
What about the UM technique was unique today any changes?
No, there is still not the depth of rest and expansion active, there are a lot of contractive drives, even the magnesium which works on this physically did not fix it, yet I digest trauma in a way that is different, and I only see it reflect on the outside when I did not properly digst it.
What do you feel or intuit about this sessin?
There is a subtle flow of mastery and intelligence, especially soft and hard appraoches to healing physically, I notice my joints crave b6, I notice l-theanin would’ve been good for the session for better heart release and flow state and theta waves types of healing.
What was also unique in terms of taking action?
I notice the 30 minute session is more impactful as a sprint, yet having nature sounds in the background allows me to go for a better marathon with this mixture, as I can attune to a more complex field, instead of the pain of extrem simplicity where a lot of trauma is evoked it’s to much small t trauma and the subtle complexity erradicates it from my sub-conscious I notice this and I can use the strains of that to construct something more positive, more unconscious is brought to the sub-conscious and is already just a flavour of flow, or wavy in a sense, a slight lava lamp brain high or like a molceule more if I’d describe this feeling, I am not very attune to the nervous system.
How did nadi sodahana impact your vagus nerve and organs with bullet coffee?
I clearly can sense that there is an undercurrent of love/abundance/acceptance being moved from the crown to the organs or my third eye, this flow then especially gives subtle cleanses to the heart, I feel less hungry, yet I’d like to have some alkaline drink or two-three sips of lemon water before the meditation to engage in better nervous system cleansing, not negate sympathetic overdrive, and balance both to be active and active resting in the world.
What else did I notice?
Multipe things due to the level of the routine, it’s important to build consistency and discipline again, and find important stuff and get rid of the championing narccistics out of my life, who claim their subtle fame drives via their teachings, there is an internal allergy to this, as I notice these people act like credit sharks and miss a level of justice and fairness, they abuse the warrior archetype to much for thei own selfish gains, and hence don’t really act integral, otherwise mostly just health things, that could aid the meditation and handling the intense feelings and trauma and stuff I found out, I also tend to have strong sexual cravings, or rather cravings for vitality, I made myself a fruit smoothie and I feel as this is getting out of my system, in the end, I figured most stuff out, it was mostly the sudden impacts where overthinking made no sense, only the pure acceptance of reality and making better choices.
I created some mental mantras and repetitions of what I don’t want to have anymore in my life, and focused on the elimination and detachment of it, that felt very good, bosses, and people and types of people I don’t crave to see, neither do I enjoy it how they suck out energy, and I have some exercises that I do after the usual 30 minutes to get rid of this.
So again, as I am sort of back meditating integrating the oddities, I check actualized.org, reltatively often even when I decode some stuff, as sometimes the perspective is just funny, yet in the end, I see a lot of human flaws, especially when it comes to long-term commitment and dating, as well as living a spiritual life, I’ve had some opportunities to meet some girls that could possibly be long-term dating material, yet mostly it has gone astray, due to finanical b.s with inheritance and I notice having started a consciouness practice early has some benefits, mostly benefits when it comes to play, especially if you engage in flow, as well as work on what works, without being exploitative.
I am not dating currently, neither do I intend to after the break-up I really could’ve lead here and this was guided partially by the universe and some strings, that are not attached to my own doing and self, it was very synchronistic, and showed me some stuff where I have to be a bit careful about and speak more with humans who’re deeper into the spiritual world and not in this delulu frame, and birdhand me with light code activations, also everytime like currently, I get more money, some level of hedonistic type of lingering baby girl appears, and it’s not really role play, also through astrology/tarot getting some understanding about tribale mentalities, and as I had some entries into genuient spirituality is interesting, I also score very low on narccicism which makes it saver for me to explore solo, and I enjoy the perspective and I see it strongly reflected in German culture and symbolism. As of now, there are two core issues and one huge benefit when it comes to women, it’s fairly easy if your succesful, if I am jacked again and follow my protocol the quality of women are going to be insane on the sexy scale, I attracted also some fairly normal and commited quality neutal long-term girls that I thought I would not meet many are musicians and into classical music, I was suprised I even attracted that, and I cancled every day. I cancled a date after getting released from work from a hot spanish 18 year old girl who has a gpa of 4.3 or so or 0.7 hence better than 4.0 or 1.0 in Germany which would be the best, as women love authentic playful men this is my biggest strength, yet in a competitive enviroment this does not work and more alpha/sigma notions are evoked, and online you get trolly girls, in the end she asked me out I was at that level, and the more attuned dark feminine girls and light feminine girls who’re into music, they somehow felt attracted to me, idk what they sense, as I can be toxic to extremely hedonistic girls I noticed who ruin their health, when I see my neighbour, yet in the end, I enjoy healthy feminine women, yet the political climate at times with this hate for patriarchy as a worldview is the biggets hypocrisy I have seen, and in the end, if I am honest I care more about my success and joy and spiritual journey than having sex with a girl otherwise I would’ve never engaged in such a long period without sex, yet I also hat some struggles, yet working out was and is the simplest solution for a man to get laid imo, or starting martial arts etc.
As my health journey with arthithis has become different, and there are different standards depending on the girl I notice the following, I do better with humans who’re immigrants or who value growth in a relationship, even skill-growth and especially that, I don’t do well with materalistic gainers who value career success and are stuck in orange, women who’re above me in the natural hierachy are attracted to me, for whatever reason, lawyer girls and girls who sort of tickle that stage 1-3 relationship out of me, I enjoy more stage 2 women, and women who’re into psychdelics, cannabis, yoga etc.
Many of them are weird and have a subtle gold digger pattern, they look for a provider and protector and don’t do this to enhance and flavour their lives, or even mediate and use it to an extend, it’s an escapism from facing the reality of success and social image, I’ve been there, and I notice as I changed the idea that it’s medicine and it can work in that way, this helped me to do both, as I gained a lot of creative benefit, yet the largest self-deception is and was simply, doing cannabis or psychdelics in a relationship takes a lot of education of how the plant impacts both, and watching behaviour, for me it causes huge inconsistency in behaviour when I am peaking, yet I can maintain a strong baseline as long, as relationship does not go down south, as there are to many “fixer” and not expander problems, hence patching up wounds, traumas, and this type of stuff which is more common, as I don’t think humans are interested currently to expand financially as in the past, due to the limit circumstance I was in and it makes me open to some interesting things to consider, and perspective last time I did it I was opend to the reality of god with ego inself, yet as I get politically screened at times and they very often force publicity onto me, it’s not as easy, as they focus so much on behaviour to look good and succesful and I am very good at doing this, a progressive place would be good, having to many conservative loosers causes many to loose and I get very angry, as I can’t explore consciouness that way, especially the strong yin flavour, and I might look into a podcast today to see the relationship again, as I might grow a plant to cover the costs of not having a car, and I enjoy the quality of consciouss that goes into doing that, yet I can still tweak on working on the relationship of the psychdelic, and it’s a little bit better than LSD to work on this, as pure ego death, on this is weird, and I did not try mushrooms yet fully, I can ask a friend, yet it’s a bit annoying that I don’t find someone who is interested in this, yet more casual consciouness where it can be flavoured, so I prepare myself in that sense .org did quiet well, yet I do have to change the relationship, as well as first work more, as it calms me down when I worked for 40-50h per week, yet prepare with a vaporizer and other stuff I wanted from the get go, yet I was still small t traumatzied from the arbiterniss of events, where it takes me a lot of weird things to understand things, pure practicality did not work, as they were even to scared and greedy to use sound therapy to work with me, it’s ridiculous at times how much money they save on healthy humans.
I post this, yet if this strikes some people as wrong I leave that out, I will post some other stuff to clarify some things I’ve been contemplating.