Integral Journal (once3800)

[once3800]

What I notice the most on other forums who are not actively engaging in helping you achieve something, is the low quality of feedback and the perceptions others have, I often notice, that due to the clarity of my practice and having started early there is a level of freshness to the experience of meditation and, even if it does not seem like it I am growing every day.

What bothers me about the perspective of feminism, feminism is not really the problem, I enjoy working and self-sacrificing for women when I can at stage purple or higher if possible, yet what I notice is how exhausting that is, and how a retro-gaia perspective just frames things to much without an integral lense, often what I experience dating more quality girls is that there is a strong orange/yellow undercurrent, and spirituality is completely missing, as I get a lot of stage projections at times and simply the difference of someone who is able to function more fully at stage green and see the difference between dominator hierachies and competence hierachies for example, it can be quiet enjoyable, yet also very dry, and I notice how much rejuvination I get to appreciate the freshness of consciouness and I notice, that I am becoming more and more attune with nature, this is often what I noticed during retreats, I hit depth or a flow state, the teacher notices it guides it via the energy field of the retreat and the ones having access ride on it and the ones not having access get some glimps of it mostly later when they talk, so there is always a window and a wall when it comes to consciouness.

When it comes to women and dating, and this whole provider paradigm spiel, what I notice due to the recent events people who had even if they are rich now issues with money as a kid, are not good for me, they enact a level of self-serving selfishness and manipulation that is partially very narccistic, this accounts for men too, especially if they had a decent level of affluency and it was taken, due to the stuff that happend with my aunt, I only feel well when someone feels well with their ressources, as I am naturally very ressourceful, sometimes to much, and I would enjoy spending some time doing a beautiful adventure together, I also notice it’s fairly hard for me to be corrupt when it comes to survival and often I am being held to such high standards others could not stomach this, and I had to stomach a lot of b.s the recent years, and quiet frankly I notice socializing has little value for example, as I see how corrupt corrupt culture is due to sex, and I am often very good, even when I went out with my wing for the first time, he was excited how good I was with humans, I often have the unfortunate thing that I attract things that are not neccesarily good for me, so I don’t really enjoy going out if I did not make friends or find someone I enjoy hanging out with, even when I wanted to socialize with all the computer programmers I meet, I’ve been hired twice for social skills, and what I notice the is a difference between mindlessly going out, and studying how to become better at socializing and reflecting, also the fundamental principle of life upgrades is what I notice gives me the opportunity to meet better girls, the entire point is when I go out and I see someone who is hyper social, I notice they are quiet addicted to socializing and having friends for companionship, while this is nice and all, as an only child I did not have that type of luxury, and I often had to occupy myself with stuff, and it’s not easy to do difficult things completely alone without having anyone who checks in on you emotionally, especially my mother has been and is super cold, cold to the level I am having occasional suicidal thoughts, as she only is present when I am in deep spirit, that is the level of how fked partially the situation is, and when I look for guys to go out 99.9% it’s a waste of time money and energy, it’s fun after working and achieving goals, yet otherwise it’s a waste of time often, what I notice is the whole idea of maximizing lay counts and maximizing the type of guy you meet while online dating, is one of the most soulless things, I noticed about online dating and hypergamy, and it often leads to soulless type of relationships.

This is why I feel play and charm are ultimatively very powerful when it comes to attracting women and being loving and kind of course, yet I’ve had my fair share of negative experience with matriarchal figures, due to my aunt and her programming and at times I notice how much aggression it moved out of me to attract women, and they want exactly that type of psycho in bed, where I notice even if that is good for a while, it’s not conscious sex, when I engaged in this with a mindfulness practice the ex was so blown away, yet she did not have the level of consciouness to engage further in that as growth practice, and I did not have the time to research sex the whole day to improve the sex life with the x amount of problems she had, even if it was a synchronistic attraction.

In the end there is still an issue with subtle patriarchial paradigms of guys cushining girls to much and girls then acting helpless and wounding wounded men, instead of being more neutral and objective, there also seems to be a heavy difference in that type of approach, as feminine men in this role-reversal stage green culture are often valued more, yet they will get extracted by capitalism, where I notice wow conscious leadership stepped in truth is the only option to move forward.

Fundamentally any online forum that does not teach a full spectrum development such as integral is misleading when it comes to conscious relationships and finding a life partner, in the end just socializing and finding ways to do that is the best option, the issues of forums like actualized.org, I feel as if I was the only one listening and he had some serious issues with verbal abuse and there is very often a subtle undercurrent of protective racism with liberterian types, that runs on a collective unconscious perception that dark skin = criminal uncivilized behaviour, yet they are allowed to post and write everything with or without eloquent language, mostly with eloquent language, and this is by far the largest bias I have found and where I think it’s unsurprising when the pool boy at one point has sex with that type of girl, as you only provide material comfort and security, yet 0 love and play. Every relationship I encountered with the girls I meet went down, due to to little love and play in either dance or some other level, yet in the end what bothers me the most is how devalued they felt when I was self-actualizing reading, even being entertaining to the family and providing value as much as I could, yet then she felt as not good enough, while even when I felt the dark side for example of myself, I was quiet ready to explore that with her, and not just cast here aside, because she feels not enough, in a sense I thought, I am hyper sensetive this has nothing to do with you, she believes it as she feels it, my landlord (old one) was so toxic, I felt bad, as she had no shame and generally I felt bad living there.

When I was at her place it was super big and nice as she lived with her family and I felt extremely comforted with all the animals etc. and I could’ve meditated etc. as I felt there is good energy to this place, yet the core issue was her mother had this same type of energy sucker vibe of apathy as my mother, and I often digested that during meditation, as there was no otherway to cope with that, even not meditating, as she constantly nagged about something with her issues, and I thought there is nothing I can do, there are barely any independent women at times many enjoy being with their family here also to save money etc. or have good contacts.

So we get this stage green issue, and fundamentally you have to get to a point where you move together, and there are many traditional folks where I live here, so there is a big emphazie on family and they are so convinced as this is the only right way I don’t know what to think, and as I seem family friendly I am often pulled to very stage blue scenarios when I enact a yellow vMeme they become afraid and don’t comprehend how can you act so autonemous, I wonder what will happen if I get the finances I wanted to have, and how that will play out as I meet my fair share of self-actualizing women, yet often there was so much flexibility etc. It’s not easy to find a girl who is content with the reality of an engineer imo, even if attractive, or whatever as I worked during this time as one, the reality of it I don’t think she liked it, and the more I socialized the more she felt pulled to me, yet I actually wanted to build something, anyhow next time when there are nice opportunities to socialize I go out, otherwise I focus on my goals, it’s a bit annoying to contemplate this, as it’s often the same answer, only with subtle nuance for example how bad game is when it comes to meeting quality women and building an integral sex life, not even family, just sex and consciouness, or having a vision for a conscious family, and what type of adventures and activities are important, next time I will meet her there, and say these things, yet as of now just upgrading the situation without falling trap into the meritocracy of dating and having it earned to date the women, yet actually having character and things being slightly more unconditional is way better, what I notice is the issue of bad boy and nice guy both are abused till you become a whole tiger, and you don’t give a fuck grab what you want and play, and self-actualize that is the most simple and succient answer, and that can include meditation, retreats etc.

Also learning more about relationships and socializing is smarter than just gaming and fking, this is a very braindead method of socializing and is not really adequate for situations where there is more social nuance of course it can work to run through this like a mad wolf, yet going out alone to social events very early just being forced to it, not the alcohol thing just travelling and living in different cities studying even, and going to events partially solo, I never went out solo, yet I had times where I moved away from the group and hanged out with other people, yet in the end, in my hometown at least I made so many new friends, I did not enjoy it that I had nothing at home to provide, I really craved to have a nice space to do more chill things, hiking, having a dinner party to a sports event or smth. more akin to this. In the end even socialzing at one of the 3 companies I worked at the last 2 years, was dog shit, I saw all of the subtle corruption where I notice some more traditional approches and being integral and respecting stage blue goes a long way, it’s as if we forget sometimes that even if dysfunctional if you’re a little older over 28 or so and you can remember seeing as a child/teen these dysfunctional man/women couples who constantly nagged each other but loved each other for it, this is like subtle playfulness as well as stage blue man/women relationship everyone knew that they had problems in their day to day existence, and the more orange people were content with their material relationship then, the greens were providing it out in self-sacrifical and yellow was not even present or quickly said hi to enjoy the show and participated where they could, if there was even any.

This is at least my memory, even if it’s a little hostile what I write, I don’t condem feminism, I just don’t like it that they are anti-competence, yet secretly crave it so much, and can’t talk about biology even if it’s important for a multiude of factors, I realized healthy green that is not wounded is not like this and you can talk to them about it, even if they don’t care it’s often positive, still often I notice doing more things I enjoy solo is better and more fun, especially dancing, yoga or smth. like this would be nice, generally just attuning to yin more daily is the best I can do for any type of women, as I don’t think masculine alone is the issue it’s the issue of wounded feminity not being self-sacrifical enough to help the wounded masculine, and even there is risk of not being balanced as the unconscious people will abuse it for their benefit.

In the end if you’re a guy healthy with no injuries working out for 1 year 5x a day would fix 90% of women problems, and you would see how exhausting it is to work on a relationship, I had no time to introduce the Keith Witt course, and she only wanted experience, and barely cared about doing this with her boyfriend, I was framed as a provider only to see in the end, she craved the player she will never see that energy is a bit to strong, and I could go to jail, I really would require some dancing classes or some other stuff. In the end it’s better to think about this when I worked more on my goals automatically I often want to go out to get rid of excess yang energy and have a good time, that is the smartest appraoch. I stop and sorry if I offended anyone I am contemplating/reflecting on this, I give it an a.i revision!

[once3800]

Fundamentally, the more conscious you get an understand the territory with or without a map, the better you’re able to find a suitable partner, be it offline or online. Right now I have to realize there are close to 0 women being ready to move with me to the U.S.A, even the most suitable girl was not ready for it, as they all crave Germany so much, I don’t have the spoils and joys of that majority priviledge not even within my family, in that sense only money counts, yet they frame it as experience which is a huge covert status seeking lie, I don’t want to know how many vacation pictures I will find on instagram not to inspire others and share the consciouness field (some do) of their vacation and beauty, yet only to get status needs meet via parasocial opportunities, and yes I’ve done it, I enjoyed it some is fine, yet I find it odd how all of this plays out, I don’t get it how you can be such a coward, if I had better opportunities to go out I meet so many fun people instantly, all you need to be able is to handle some level of alcohol and enjoy having a good time or go to the right place and dance and get into some guy talk, this is not high level socialization and I was almost running for this scientist eventing thing, now I think more in terms of goals, synchrodestiny and retreats. Yet more on this tomorrow, having read more Deida marriage is a stage 3 concept!!! You’re only free in marriage get that straight!!! I don’t know if Deida is married currently, this is from one of his books, yet the smartest thing I noticed is be so playful you take the girl on a consciouness adventure otherwise her work, her family, her friend group etc. will do it and that might mean different stuff.

Integral Reflections on Growth, Relationships, and Culture

What I’ve noticed most in online forums not focused on actual transformation is the low quality of feedback and the limited depth in perception. Because I started meditating early, there’s a kind of freshness in my awareness—something others may not see, yet I feel clearly. Even when things appear stagnant externally, I grow every single day.

On Feminism and the Strain of Provider Dynamics

I don’t have a problem with feminism per se. In fact, I enjoy giving, serving, and supporting women when the connection has depth—ideally stage Purple and above. But what exhausts me is the imbalance: a retro-Gaian frame that lacks an integral lens and focuses to much on fitness and reproduction qualities. I often meet high-quality women who operate from a blend of Orange and Yellow, but spirituality is entirely absent. With those attuned to true Green, connection can be beautiful—but exhausting. What revives me most is a shared reverence for the freshness of consciousness and attunement with nature. Retreats often offer that: someone hits depth, the teacher guides from that energetic field, and others either ride the wave—or miss it entirely. There’s always a window—and a wall.

Money Trauma, Relationships, and the False Safety of Success

Through recent experiences, I’ve realized that people who had financial instability in childhood—even if wealthy now—often carry subtle manipulations rooted in survival trauma. This applies to men and women. Growing up with intense family dynamics, particularly with my aunt, I now feel most at peace around people who are genuinely at ease with their resources. I’m naturally resourceful—sometimes too much so—and I’d rather build adventures than transactional comfort.

I hold myself to standards many wouldn’t stomach. I’ve had to endure a lot of psychological “noise” over the years. And while I’ve been praised for my social intelligence—even hired for it—I find that most social interactions are empty unless they involve depth, growth, or mutual curiosity, often these can include highly logical conversations that are shallow, if there is not a picturesque thinker who can make ideas vivid and bring life hence play into it.

The Reality of Dating and the Game Illusion

Online dating and “game” culture often feel soulless. Hypergamy, meritocracies of attraction, and manipulative dynamics reduce love to performance. I’ve seen how vital play, charm, and presence are for authentic connection. And yet, my experiences with matriarchal figures—particularly my aunt and my mother—created wounds that shaped my relating style. Sometimes, this unresolved aggression came out in ways women found attractive, even erotic, but it wasn’t conscious sexuality. My most powerful sexual experience occurred in mindfulness, yet even that couldn’t sustain the relationship when growth was one-sided.

If you get someone who can make it playful for you and you find a playful way of interaction that is the best feeling, as if you meet a soul mate often, of course that can be deceiving etc.

Subtle Patriarchies and the Burnout of Role-Reversal Culture

In today’s culture, men are often expected to be both providers and emotionally attuned caretakers, while women are sometimes encouraged to remain helpless or emotionally unaccountable. The reversal of traditional roles can be valuable, but without balance, both sides suffer. Feminine men may be praised in Green-level contexts but are often consumed by capitalist structures they cannot navigate with force. Only conscious leadership, rooted in truth, cuts through this confusion.

Integral Relationships and the Illusion of Online Spaces

Any online forum that lacks a full-spectrum developmental view is inherently misleading when it comes to conscious relationships. Many platforms—like Actualized.org—feel one-sided. Sometimes, it felt like I was the only one listening, as I got actual advice and people speaking from results that felt good, I also sensed subtle undercurrents of racial bias in those communities (gernally any masculine community), especially among libertarian types. There’s a hidden narrative that still associates skin color with civility, often masked by eloquence.

Relationships that lacked play, love, and shared vision always fall apart, there has to be external and interal growth AQAL growth. Even when I gave everything—emotional value, entertainment, intellectual presence—it often wasn’t enough. She felt “not enough” not because I rejected her, but because I was too deeply involved in my own journey. I was willing to hold space for her darkness too, but that invitation was never accepted.

Living with Apathy, Seeking Rejuvenation

I felt more at home at her place than my own—it had life, animals, energy. But her mother’s emotional apathy echoed my own mother’s. I absorbed all that in meditation because there was no other way to cope. It’s hard to find emotionally sovereign women, especially where traditional family culture is strong, and many live with family for economic or emotional safety.

That can pull me into heavy Blue vMeme scenarios. When I show up as Yellow—autonomous, integrating—it scares people. I’ve often wondered what would shift if my financial situation changed and I met more actualized women. But many women I met while working as an engineer seemed to lose interest in the reality of who I was—too masculine, too focused, too independent.

Even when I had money it did not matter, more my social networks and relationships, due to the envious drive of elitist selection and the pressure of maximization, choices/options negated this very often.

Game vs. Depth: What Real Social Growth Looks Like

Going out and meeting people is only worth it when I’ve done meaningful work. Game and lay counts feel like a dead-end—good for venting Yang energy, but not for building life. Conscious relationships require vision, joy, integrity, not just attraction. Dancing, yoga, hiking, dinner parties, and shared creation—that’s the path I want to walk.

Socializing at my last three jobs? Mostly performative and subtly corrupt. Yet respecting Blue—its structure, family orientation, loyalty—can go a long way when integrated from a higher level.

Final Reflections

I don’t condemn feminism. I’m critical of how it sometimes rejects competence yet craves it subconsciously. A healthy Green can handle conversations about biology, polarity, or hierarchy. Wounded Green cannot. The best thing is green placing married women next to me, THEY ALWAYS COMPARE THEMSELVES TO THEIR HUSBAND AND HE HAS TO TANK IT AND I HAVE TO TANK IT, some are so jealous they don’t even show up!!! That is insane to witness I always had very open and honest people if they had enough they went home, sometimes being honest about ones limits and desires is the best way to navigate socializing.

In the end, attuning more to Yin energy—daily dance, gentle movement, mindful practices—is the most healing and attractive thing I can do. Masculine energy alone isn’t the problem; unbalanced femininity and lack of self-sacrifice in healing wounded masculinity is the deeper issue.

If you’re a healthy man, working out consistently for a year, meditating, and following your vision would solve 90% of relationship challenges. But relationships are work. My ex wanted experience, not growth. She didn’t want to practice love—just feel it. And that’s not enough.

Next time, I’ll meet her there. In the dance, in the adventure. Until then, I’ll self-actualize and trust that from this foundation, the right love will arrive—and stay. Hence, by being pro-active about growing myself is the only way someone comes into your life automatically, this does not disclude going out, speaking to women or creating and fine-tunning online profiles.

One of the girls who got married checked my LinkedIn site almost daily, there is no reason to!! The other one would’ve never done that, she was so much in love, she would’ve never gave up what the other guy provided, even when it often felt, if I acted like a pure bad body like with the ex, when I had sex with her in the basement and her mother caught us, and in the end she told me that was the hottest thing ever, as you broke a taboo, I really need to speak about taboos in the next relationship, but as of now I am done.

Being authentic at actualized.org was an issue for jealousy, trolling and attacks, while I was legit just a newbie that kind or that kind ^^, in that sense I actually craved growth, and being kind is strong, yet it certainly is the roadless travelled, even if I make it sound bad, the members are the issue, not Leo entirely, yet I don’t like it at times either. I wonder what will happen if I go to an extroverted country again, often going out was very good for my career and material life also here it is very status and directly career oriented like, you can do it? Fine next job, next please! In that sense, they really only care about competence and skill, authority is the issue the u.s does not seem to have an authority issue more the lack of authority, and even better leadership imo, it does not seem as childish as you actually get an agenda and not uncertain bullshit, restricted by uncertain bullshit, so you waste your time, learning skills that are bad.

[once3800]

At times: some motivational stuff on fb is just good when I check, I really crave to get to a place where I can socialize more with the right type of stuff where I can gain the skill set also, and not just socialize for the sake of being part of the tribe/group, when shit hits the pan, in the end the only one there for your most likely is your mother, or father. I wonder, yet I am done with socializing if I am not invited, and I will only take this yellowish flex flow action if I require more intel etc.

In the end my problems are often more logistic and financial, even if everything is taken care for, I really want a nice place to life this one is good this best one so far, yet I moved so often I finally want a space where I can grow and develop as I’d like to, and not just survive, the last place had a sauna even, yet it was not enough as everything was wounded to the health issues, also health issue is the nr.1 corruption in the world, prior to this any corruption at stage beige is immensely impactful. When I saw my grandma die and all of her life functions being gone I realized, how unfair reality is, yet there is more info on how this happend health wise coming out, as I thought the issue was socializing the issue was her nutrition I am 100% convinced of that, and of course also socialization, yet she always went out alone and into the city and talked to people which is very unusual nowadays. Anyhow I digress and stop…

[once3800]

Tomorrow will be a new day, and generally as of tomorrow things will move more towards, something I enjoy, also I forgot that I invented finally a burn-out free structure, as I will not read any books under the week only audiobooks and read on the weekend, for 1h30 with 30 minute note-taking or conversing what I read with the a.i, there have been multiple ideas doing this, as it’s nice having an a.i wiki fundamentally, I worked so much with the tool, it’s super nice, I don’t write prompts etc. Working with it for a while, should give me also some ideas to create an a.i based business, fundamentally I missed out on creating my bitcoin/ethereum business before the hype, even becoming fluent in the mathematics of a.i algorithms tying into investing, and I would’ve given decent and good advice, the largest mistake was following Leo Gura in terms of financial propsperity even if someone is helpful that does not mean he is good for money, and learning more about making money would’ve helped me to do it in my life time as consciously as possible and not have someone berate me, and I am not the guy who sells his soul, I had to already do some things ouf of integrity and it never lasts long this was a more serious interest, as it’s fun to me, and I could’ve done more regarding this, especially in the tech space, as it’s impossible to be 100% reasons, I already found flaws with the clothes I purchased not only for moral reasons, yet health reasons, so I will stop engaging in this. I might post some of the conversations here, and see if it’s interesting I bought some history of science books, not everything is interesting, and I bought yoganandas book that book is long overdue, I was not really drawn to it first book I was drawn to was integral psychology, especially as I realized how often and why I got burnt out, and that I crave some level of play, I also can’t play a video game anymore like a project or business project I often just run around listening to a podcast and getting some insights to put a plan out, not even enact the plan, as I often evaluate it then, I realized today, I need a digital plan for my workouts not a physical one, I don’t know why, yet it’s not working for home workouts I wanted to code some scientific stuff regarding this, yet now I have to learn it first and simply use a simple structure, and I am going into a different field? Ultimately I don’t know, yet I learned to accept uncertainity, I will be tested and tested again though, usually I enjoy gaming after workouts and I want to put that into the weekend, yet I want to see how that structure goes, I bought several stuff with music etc. Yet at times it shocks me, I also don’t like these excellent clowns in a sense, that are acting like a jester, I’ve been dreaming about jesters who just admire exellence without finding spirit in exellence or soul.

Also when I workout for a while and I finally get a structure where I can maintain it for more than 1 year without abrupt changes, I am going to become a multi-millionair I bet, simply because I am a good human by heart, and it has always been mý temple. If I can ever workout for longer than 5 years I am going to make 5 mil per year minimum, idk how or I will a lifestyle worthy of 5mil I don’t care that much about the money, more the experience that it brings and the freedom.

Fundamentally this is the best structure, and I can maintain it only point is actually doing something, as I’ve been burnt out meet to many sharlatans and corrupt b.s I had to face so many high unrealistic standards it’s stupid, and at the sametime mine are at times even higher, someone who never lifted 200kg, meditated and got a degree in stuff most likely will not comprehend how it feels to become a “consciouness elite” and even transcend the physical, I don’t mean it condescendingly, I mean it as a drive from purple to move through the stages that way and experience the primal fully without going nuts, let’s see how that will work I found more sublte things good for my health, and I’ve been clearing my gut with coffee I did not know of excess garbadge in my gut/large intestine.

This is by far the best structure, I don’t overeducate myself, I don’t overread, I don’t over meditate each day, yet sprint during the week marathons during the weekend, and I can scale this 3-4h per weekend or even 6h if really needed to be relatively quickly, and I usually plan retreats, hence I get 1h30 sits usually anyway, before I do a small break and then continue in these cycles, due to physical issues I can’t really sit otherwise 2h-3h I need to move a bit, I tested so much I’d really require a teacher, even when I am quiet good at meditation, where I notice others nag as they don’t get the references experience and are jealous, but don’t admit it, it’s very obvious to me, when I continue to read and educate myself that this structure is quiet good, yet without physical training the depth is certainly not as deep, and with just a little bit of training I get super super high of meditation, walking and physical types of meditation also work or should work well for me, when I sit for 4h or 1h30 and do a 1h walking meditation or mindful walking and come back the freshness catapluts me, it’s also a good test of consciouness/awareness.

I also took a psychdelic once during a home retreat that was interesting how it impacted the energy field, via Shinzens retreat, also any type of creative play gets me really high on meditation, and consumption of music gives me extrem flow states, anyhow I really wonder how far this will intersect if I actually get the opportunity to implement and push some edges again not breakthrough just pushing edges liking edging into feminine for example anyhow I stop again.

[once3800]

So, I’ve been contemplating various structures, and I bought some groceries yesterday, where some stuff helps me with the health issues, and other stuff is just an addition and a mistake as a purchase, I often feel and notice, this should generally reduce inflammation again, depending on how freaky you want to get with health, I will add some ideas to my goal structure today, and I still wonder why sleep is so good for recovery, and why I need so much? I will post after my meditation will most likely do 1h today again, best after a cold shower, it feels really good to get rid of inflammation and bacteria that are little demons in your body, and even can make you act like one, if you’re unaware. I cooked sauerkraut with butter and some meat I am not supposed to eat, and fix my gut, my kitchen looks like a battleground, yet usually I enjoy cooking, what I don’t like is the skill based cooking without teaching, as it takes to much time, and I value efficiency, I bought some russian honey first it smelled pretty bad, yet it tastes good, I bought another glass of honey from the best supermarket for health here in Germany alnatura, and I wondred if it will actually be good, I did so many psychdelics if I stop, my endocannabonoid system with anandamides are very active, I get so high people become depressed that is a nice side-effect to psychedelics. Also cannabis is still super interesting, I’d like to get some serious shrooms this year, as I only did truffles, I am a bit done with LSD, and prep propperly, with proper prep working out, achieving things and studying evolving LSD/Mushrooms become a huge growth tool, I did to much at one time I just edged out my consciouness.

Amazing phenomena occur when you meditate #shorts

I am looking for ways to report my growth, I was actually quiet adament about work, and growing and relaxing I enjoyed sharing it, as I don’t have that much human contact, and I enjoy reflecting journaling since I am 20.

What I also enjoy about self-actualizing to self-transendence is how it feels like a heros journey, this is how it feels at times going through life. Mostly being the guy warning others, not being warned.

In 2019, CCTV footage captured a mysterious man saving a person’s life by tapping his shoulder

What I’ve often struggled with meeting so many heros journey human beigns, is how tricky it is to have a real friend group that honors each others unique heros journey and gives support and get’s support, having a network of friends is as if you’re setting sail into the vast wide ocean, and meet new countries and human beigns who have their own life quest and story, I really really badly want to move to another country, I don’t get the feeling as if this is possible here, even when I was planned to go to different countries via work etc. In the end I did not enjoy how little they cared for my own journey just their own agenda, not in a negative way, I was just annoyed that everything had to be instantiated into existence as if instant manifestation is the real game of existence, and when I planned it out and engaged them with updates, they quickly decided something else to save money, and I thought wow you claim you want to give people experience, and this is why good HR is good as they take care of the laws/regulations that you can take part in programms that expand your career in that sense, so you’re an actual apprentice.

I sort of am bothered by how much of my health has been impacted by the journey and everytime I take care to live and act more clean, I often meet sex and health manipulators and somehow this is very bothering, I wonder if I get it out with the charka and nature cleansing type of meditation, most of my meditations have been cleansing acts to get rid of stuff and detach, and hence I grow in very subtle, and suddenly strongly visible ways, as they see that noble fire/spirit, that is active the whole time.

[once3800]

The other thing I notice that has been latent very often, if I get a meditation session going and I keep up the continuity of it, and I stretch out the routine, hence I start later all of that consciouness work will still work in the background until karma is back at it’s fixed point, and not this mutable point, this is very evident for example, when I meditate and I play a few rounds of chess, I can see how I grew where my ego triggers are and when I work on that I improve relatively quickly, at the sametime. I made an commitment to not play video games usually, if I engage in my routine till later in the day approx 9pm, as I notice very clearly how that is impacted by my learning and depth cycles I’ve built, and I see this by what I attract, yet I am very loose on this, as the recovery with trauma and routines has been weird, my vision has been attacked multiple times, and I don’t have much ressonance, sharing it with anyone, has not been of benefit, fundamentally I meet to many who enriched themselves, and I notice only meditation and consciouness fixes that, and not having a fixed and rigid vision, as you see all of the levels of immaturity when it comes to a vision dwindle right before your eyes, as you see this push and pull for attention and adventure, while I notice very often, it’s not bad they never mapped out a purpose and said they will follow that and use your inspiration to feed theirs, and they look up to you, yet what I dislike the level of responsibility it takes and how much spirit hijacking that is, for e.g I work on something have a break through and the guy or girl is so mentally attuned to getting solutions from others he/she messages you and takes time away.

What I notice when I worked with engineers there is a larger level of maturity involved with this, they won’t bother you and give you time to solve problems, in the end it’s just good work and the reward is the reward itself and eventually some random surprise. There are of course negative ends, yet I see more clearly of how my vision should look like, I also made a learning technique evaluation, as everytime I engage in mastery, I talk and talk and talk to myself and move my body and write things down, I feel as if I am a maestro of mind/consciouness, as when I write things down I engage differently with stuff, in the last years I worked on this deeply, yet I had to many subtle conservative friends who did not enjoy sharing knowledge as much as I liked, and they were overly practical and socially inadequat, what I notice everytime and every every singletime is the following, if you just solve problems and don’t work on yourself nothing happens, I engaged with both of them both of them got a girlfriend, and even me! I could not believe it, just by giving support, sharing stories and providing energy in that sense.

In the end they underwent growth, and it’s often the same type of people, very often INFJ people, and they grow very quickly, yet many negate consciouness and I often do my best to utilize other MBTI types, mostl INTJ/ENTJ as they come more naturally for me and ENFJ/ENTP, yet when I engage with German cave dwellers I often have to operate as ISFJ/ISTJ as they are so memory focused, I legit activate multiple mbti types, having learned bazi makes it a bit different, yesterday I saw a rip-off example of it, where I notice this is not meta-physics buying a jade necklace won’t make you more money, and the guy who seemed like a rip-off told me this, and unironically he has the same day master as Leo Gura, yet he teaches so little and just talks and talks, and they are very good at metaphysics, as is my month pillar most likely, yet all in all, I will speak with ChatGPT about what I learned and engage in discussion and writting things down. At times, due to the none level of anger ChatGPT is wiser than many other human beigns, and I got used to integrating A.I to work more from a flexflow level, it really elevated my purpose what bothered me were normies not getting the complexity of what these engineers were trying to build and the gut level green consensus which is good if you think about it, yet it causes the exact problems more intelligent human beigns can spot directly from the outside and I’ve been tortured to train and engage with, yet I sort of blocked this.

The point is Shinzen is most likely with Deepak as honorary mention, as I can’t really engage and Sadghuru the only techers in this day and age I can call teachers, as they have the maturity to work with me, and Shinzen even found himself in my position, there are patterns to this.

I never engaged with Ralston, I did my best to integrate his books via workouts, yet it was a bit to much and just water dragon perfection, is a bit cheating, the guy is like Hikaru Nakamura in chess, he just edges out perfection against itself to even make consciouness or his chess play worse, as there is perfection, it’s that simple. For me I realize I get very random access to states, yet in more predictable ways, the core feature of reality that I noticed is having a home, for better logistics and just better logistics to enjoy working on what you love, going out and socializing is not even the problem, the problem is having an enjoyable home and workplace and social circle. The biggest time waste I’ve noticied is friends who’re not beneficial to your journey. Intelligent networking is smth. else, as you make connections with win-win scenarios. The whole LinkedIn game I missed a kickass a.i position, due to my issues with leadership and the women would’ve been good, yet there is a subtle difference between genuient choosing someone better more suited and maximizing lay counts as man/women.

The idea of self-improvement applies and implies still, in the end creating and outstanding live, should be the primary focus, and including values, strength, visions, goals and stuff that works, I post after my meditation session the next post.

This is interesting for integral issues or what Wilber spoke about in a video I posted.

How to Fix the Adrenal Body Type - Dr. Berg

Never thought anger at slowness and incomptence is an adrenal issue. I had some issues with this, yet more when people acted to playful, and I drank and drink a lot of coffee.

This is very good I was slacking with exercise, as a lot of crazy people are then drawn to me, as I am so clam and they attack me with free radicals, at times or old people come to me and want to small talk… anyhow this is good to know that exercise helps with this, especially I did a lot of HIT.

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This is exactly the b.s I’ve been going through the last year. I hate HR so much you would not believe it.

Woman Who Shot Coldplay Kisscam Speaks Out

KICK THEM OUT THIS IS PURE DEGENERACY, if they would not be partnered this is fine, yet it makes me wonder, what is worth it at times, at times I am convinced marrying and of girl has more value than this hidden b.s. I am playing, yet I truly also wonder at times.

I swear everyone who built their own company and manages it largely solo is a genius, I was so tired of the new COO and his porn wife at the old company and these HR ladies gunning for the big man, as they are oh so alpha, they should give them a dress code that enforces some level of decency, yet I really really really dislike HR.

This is when they tell you, you’re sitting next to a hot seat, some level of fishyness is happening 100%, I wonder if I can ever become clean of this to an extend, the best thing is to develop innocence, yet holy cow, I had this over and over again subtely, I don’t know with how many men, the ex of mine slept, as the mother would cover everything with her degenerate type of protection mechanism, for the social benefit of marriage, if I consider my mother at times, even if I don’t like it she sort of is an angel, no joke, yet holy shit this is what bothered me in the tech space also, they are all like play toys the HR women is worse!!! As she has 0 power, and just craves power, as deep down many of them feel useless, even if they have value… it’s so odd. Imo the gym is the biggest healing tool of the 21st century.

[once3800]

What I notice also is the difference in health, it’s the best attitude to see yourself as an olympia level athlete no matter what to take care of health, I checked my iris and this breathing test, and it seems to be good, yet I never seen how freaky my eyes are, that was interesting.

I wonder, how far this will go, I will most likely cut out starches too, so not even potatos I will just eat what I have here and work slowly to pristine health just including exercise for now would be good.

It’s funny that the most advanced people keep having the same insights.

Do Athletes Need Grains to Get Enough Carbs?

I legit might cut out every carb that is not a vegetable, I enjoy veggies and butter just to much to not mix the two, and I am smoothing my living existence out of myself, especially when I get cravings, I’d like to get some tests, as I feel if it would not be for arthithis I can handle most stuff, yet currently seed oils, I legit want a new space to blend the freaking existence out of everything.

Paul Chek on Bulletproof Coffee

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Forest River - Stream Sounds for Sleeping - No Birds - Relaxing Nature Video - Water Flowing 10 Hour

Advanced Chakra Sound Bath | Crystal Singing Bowls for Complete Energetic Flow

Today I did 30 minutes, I am still constantly testing what works best for me meditation wise, and how it impacts my health and vice-versa, I notice a pretty subtle and strong flow of concentration, at then end I thought instead of just feeiling this subtle impatience of not sitting, why not do a super slow walking meditation as a kinhin, and I did and I notice ohh this reminds me of consciouness states that I tested when I wanted things to be super slow, and I took cannabis and I did everything so slow, it would trigger the living existence out of everyone, and I kept using UM techniques with kinhin, to get a feeling of what even a slower movement would look like as classical soto-zen kinhin walking meditation, and I notice this feels as if it’s qi-gong done well, with the concentrative flavours of using the UM the way I am doing it. I drank some coffee before, it’s interesting to see how much your consciouness expands, it gives me strong access to play or ananda type of notions, flavoured with non-dual qualities of flow, yet this is my interpretation.

I did some visualizations also, and this time checked my visionboard and the new intentions, goals and values I set, was super nice. Although in the end, I kept thinking taking action from this point onward, and increasing health is the best thing, also to see how visualization and visualizing sexual things more prone to it being part of a conscious vision took away the physicality of craving it, this is without a consistent exercising, I wonder, yet I stop here!

Also these meditations give me a lot of access to enjoy music and art etc.

[once3800]

I did my first workout with the new digital structure, and also found a way to include my new tablet for music, as my headphones I lost one pair, and the other pair was stolen while I was out with the company, I wonder how meditation is going to hit tomorrow as usually nature hits differently, and I keep including these sounds. I had some thoughts contemplating hobbies and cleanliness as using the tablet or simply my phone loud at home is a better solution than headphones. Looking forward to the changes, I keep reading the tarot thing, there must be a huge difference in being able to interpret jung from an integral standpoint and the more newagie stuff and the booklet is relatively good at high green altitude without this purple fluff, and actually ties a bit into spirit, I might buy some other books, as I know to some extend when I follow these transits and stuff I notice the energetic impact, I watched Sadghuru over and over again, and he could not subtely get away from saying as he has to it has no impact take control of your energy, yet at times I wonder, today is a full moon and I can track it now with this bazi stuff, and just if I pay attention to it, certain types of rituals or meditations, at times I do feel the impact, I wonder if I attune more.

https://sciencenews.dk/en/lunar-cycle-appears-to-affect-men-more-strongly-than-women#:~:text=Some%20studies%20have%20shown%20that%20blood%20concentrations%20of%20melatonin%20and,of%20testosterone%20in%20the%20body.

This routine is also quiet good for now, yet I integrate more subtle holistic health things, and there is way way more testing to be done, next week my lumbar spine will get an MRT to see if the valgus has any impact on the lumbarspine. But yeah for now I had enough the more I do my own tarot card stuff and I see other readigns the intuition stay approx. the same I can only watch 1-2 people max as they work a bit differently when they meditate and others just spin the “Deutungsebene” over and over again, and Germany is historically simply more accurate, yet they lost touch with prevention, and became to reactive and arrogant, child archetype out of control, I pulled the sun card today, yet in the end I really have to see ultimately I follow 3 people who have genuient experience I’d say with this so far, the rest is just good for interpretation and learning from competition.

In the end the meditation practice has more value, yet let’s see how much of a tool this can be. There is some interseting stuff if you look into the people who studied it, and getting back in touch with my body and working out and this adrenal fatigue stuff the immense amount of coffee I drank, and just using my tablet or phone for music… at times solutions are very simple, I certainly feel less stressed from my enviroment been a while since I’ve been at this point. The nature sound and with the chakra music and meditation do about only 20-40% I’d say, the rest is all workout for stress with food, and if the workouts kick in I will get pretty high of meditation people will think I lost it, yet I have to laugh randomly at times, because of the unconsciouness of humans, sometimes I am legit afraid I go to jail, as I have to much fun with the my mind and the entertainment, like hearing an audiobook and seeing the exact reality of what you’re hearing unfold for you or reading a book from a yogi or smth. and seeing that exact reality unfold a few days later, and you can’t help it but laugh.

[once3800]

GENERATION INFERTILE - How men & women get castrated in 21st century

I knew parts of this info 6 years ago, I still buy some stuff, I am going through what is healthy and unhealthy, if you’re interested you can turn on the videos with subtitles imo the guy explains stuff very well, and there is some synchronistic stuff tied to this, I also bought accidentely pasturized sauerkraut, so it won’t have the effect that I am seeking, also I noticed I really really have to be more careful about the labels here in the eu, just buying bio and having a good feeling turned out wrong, as we have an issue with the term raw/roh as this would mean naked/ill or bacteria etc. To some I guess, it’s very odd.

RESPONSIBILITY [Red Flag #9]

This video is funny in addition, seeing the opposite reality, the first guy who ever bullied me for a longtime without any type of weird respect was a guy called Steve, then Steve became my meditation teacher aka Shinzen at times I laugh when I have flashbacks, contemplating this line, a bit more in spiral dynamics fashion, and one of the books was interesting, I read the tipping point, and I thought the video would be worse, what I find often is the issue of being somewhere stuck between teal/yellow, for simplicities sake or simply teal+, I usually call it, and having green extractors, while working with high green was super nice, there was an issue with working with only cognitive teal and emotionally orange and morally orange, which was a huge issue. IIRC it only counts if you get 3 lines right, and I’ve talked with guy friends, about stuff, and often the women at least here has a deeper translation of the stage, and men would do better in vertical growth, as the translation generally offers a broaded span of depth in that particular plane…, so especially how it’s framed here to maximize integrated parts with the ex, I am pretty sure to go back to the spiral dynamics fashion we spiraled down into co-dependency and playing masculine feminine roles to some extend, I don’t think she was ready to maximize the integrated parts, as she cared only about maximizing deficiency needs, there needs to be a better distinction, and I often see this for e.g if you’re at teal+ your very open to work with trauma/shadows and do some level of work there, yet if you think your whole without any of that work, that is pure self-deception, I attracted some hot whackos, and many of them are muslim, yet I also attracted just hot/crazy and educated, but feminine, like being asked out by an 18 year old girl is strange, yet quiet charming in a sense, that she trust your leadership so much, and she was a polar opposite of what I expect, also I said no as I got released from work and I did not just want to have sex, yet I was looking if holding the number in the backpocket as I really did not feel like exhausting myself like I had balls to the depth of the ocean, and while studying working till 22:00 at times due to studying etc. going through court, because of b.s neighbour and injured my hand during workouts, doing handstand push-ups as I was mad pissed about everything. I was 12 years older, than her during that time, and this happend before I don’t know if this happens to other guys, yet I find it appealing and grateful that someone is so bold, and is more explorative instead of bullshitting men, where the video about reproduction has even more value.

Otherwise, just to set that clear in case Leo Gura reads this, I never tried to copy him, I found value in what he teaches, and I noticed at times the influence of me on him and vice-versa and realized some positive and negative aspects as with anyone, tldr I don’t actively engaged in copying him, even if there are similarities I am very different from him, and I’ve seen enough to tell that there are fundamental clear differences in every approach, yet I can still learn from the protocols and procedures, let alone my state experiences made no sense to him, while even if they are not as deep as pure consciouness, I also don’t get at times why people believe that, I blame for fun that I am a Virgo ascendent and I am just good at doing what is right usually, and sometimes they just think I am copying while I am learning or experimenting with a perspective I had a similar feeling with Paul Check, and due to being restricted to not be as 100% raw organic free meat idk what to do at times, so I mix more approaches often from what works, as doing kinhin today for the first time as I could not stand the last two minutes just sitting there eyes open, when I know I walk a bit and I see consciouness ins space or awareness in space and the level of attunement present.

Otherwise I am looking more at some wild food stuff, yet mostly what I find it’s a similar answer, the level of education will make a scientist, for others, yet that is just normal imo, I actually yearn to life long also, so I can enjoy meditation and psychdelics, and consciouness also to simply have a better chance, yet I do some stuff here and there, what I notice the most for dating etc. Is simply to maxmimize what is already there and act with less self-interest, yet as for now I’d like to dig deeper into my interests, without feeling someone is tampering with my vision etc.

But for now I’d also like to get a little more hardcore with nutrition, I keep finding new small and relatively cheap tools, and it sort of sucks to not be able to workout at the insane levels I was at, yet I can still benchpress I bet up to 200kg if needed to be 110kg took me a while, and I enjoyed that it even opend my heart chakra in my daily meditations, and I also enjoyed the primal core associated without that. If anything I am integrating the least from Wilber it’s strength training and showing up more. Although today I saw the reality as I went shopping late for groceries, that it’s not worth it, I would do better going out solo, I did once or twice last year, and I was looking at a club, then two blonde girls looked at me, as I really did not crave into going in and even when i was 16 or so as you could can go clubbing with 16 when I was shit drunk during that time, I had some girls who’re older hitting on me, as if they are discussing an age taboo, that was odd I flirted with one once, and as I seem so serious the boys were suprised, yet I really enjoyed it, it is odd I wonder what will happen if I can maximize the integrated parts without excessive self-interest and enact a healthy gestalt/ego and behaviour.

Many people who take some sort of psychdelic or stuff like this to often end up at 3 person perspective, etc. But for now I am done!

Also with all of these monk sex scandals these people really require the 4th turning.

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Autumn River Sounds - Relaxing Nature Video - Sleep/ Relax/ Study - 9 Hours - HD 1080p

Did a 1h meditation, with 1 min of walking meditation, I was listening to a podcast in the background, as sometimes I feel I am missing out on information, and I steadily ask myself some questions, this time the question is my soul guiding me, and the interpretations of astrology/jung, instead of just pure calculative consciouness, and with all of the mythological interpreations and learning that even ancient vedic astrologers used the tropical astrology, that time, space and movement are concepts of Steiner, that quiet fit vedioc astrology, I often feel as if I never get the 100% truth of something that interests me as I see to many connections, they are not talking about which leads to hard problems in a sense.

I will finish the podcast, I won’t get the entire interprations of it, yet I found the idea of the archetype interesting as a formless thing giving rise to form, as it cleanses equivications and ambiguities, and direct experience of it would simply be formless giving rise to form and consciouness, and the perspective that conditions are there to give rise to the unconditions as a challenge of god, is very interesting, I contemplated this briefly in the session, and thought how does this appear in my love life? What are challenges that are at the goldielock zone, and what are challenges that overshoot that, and I notice very often that an extrem form of being Nr.1 or me me me me and extrem forms of narccicism and pride are the largest hinderances for me to experience consciouness, as I chop at that ego each day with these sessions. I find it interesting as I am the only one making these parallels, and there are some core pillar intuitions being correct, also the idea of play of formlesness heavily ressoantes with me, due to the experience of play very early as well as the limitations I face, it’s the thoughest and most bearable challenge I have, very often this just turns into some conscious flow state, and I am often amazed to find out, I could go deeper to embrace that.

The career advisor also finally wrote back, I’d really like to dive into these things more deeply, after getting the stuff, one fundamental thing, as historical events and history fundamentally created a huge synergized pinnacle for me, of people approaching me, especially kurdish folks etc. and me relating to a feeling of consciouness and home in America or the Sun very often, due to stories I can’t really pinpoint to, as I don’t have a direct ancestory line that told me stories I can contemplate the myth etc. In the end I notice how much of it is belief, direct experience from a symbolic truth irregardless if relative or not like god as a simple example, shows me yes that pointer was correct, this one was incorrect, this one meandered me into a softer version of a facett of consciouness and this one not.

Especially with synchronicites etc. I notice this, yet I will consume some alcohol, I have the priviledge of it being consciouness evoking and I will enjoy some podcast, it allows me to enjoy that play even if it’s downtuned a notch, I think it makes sense that many musicians back in the day and protegees were musical and mathematical geniuses and became interested in the consciouness/god and practiced it, as well as philosohpy, I miss my cannabis at times for good philosohpy, it should be included as other psychdelics as part of a philosophy major, I am playing a bit, yet would be very cool.

I also want to do a health check today, let’s see how far I get.

[once3800]

Sometimes I wonder, alcohol and reading wild nights from Deida showed me two things as I moved here, even if the structure is decent, the level of excellence you procure in contrast to most likely the average american at pure orange is immense, having so many lectures being pushed to hard edges, nobody really knows how the economey works, yet we trust each other in Europe for things to work out.

SELF-MAXIMIZE 3: [Explain] GIRL MATH [to me]

Sorry for abusing the integral forum at times for my stuff, yet I can’t shut up my throat chakra, my new fetish is still to get bird handed by light code activations, idk why I think this is funny I drank some red wine again, but here I am.

Then alcohol in itself and all of this Yoga stuff I’ve felt an intuition about had a very strong just kriya perfect kriya perfect kriya perfect type of variation, and one thing I learned Germans don’t really fuck around with energy, everything is treated seriously till it’s the mind, if your mind is stuck with energy you’re basically fked, there have been many offers from the university, yet I hated it this time window chasing only for pure exellence, at the previous university I had way more time to develop the depth I required, the influence was just worse from Professors and peers, at times as stuff was more hidden and not as open with so many students, stuff automatically bubbles up to some extend, idk how to explain, yet people matter less individually, and I was mostly prone to working 1o1 with people or in groups of 2-4 people etc.

I had some tiny thought again for my workouts, as I wanted to integrate more of the digital stuff as I am a 90’s kid, born 94, and quiet frankly I never got along with my generation and types of people only some individuals and even that was borederline science, seeing what types of podcasts and interest exist where they speak about astrology etc. There is no need anymore to read thousands and thousands of books, even with the new A.I tools I missed the next leap, and there is still this subtle stuff, I wonder about. As for now I am glad for my plan, I am disuccsing some things with myself obviously, and doing some research on jung is quiet good, I like it that my tarot booklet quotes Jean Gebser as I only know him from Wilber, what I wonder though is how far I already moved into the mind and how music like this.

Get’s my whole body active even when I work out and I listend to music as a teenager, a lot of these psychedelic insights from artists gave me insight in to the true reality of god, what I wonder about is how much studying of the ancients and the present in neccessary to life a good life, even just to satisfiy curiosity, in the end I often realize that it would be good to visit some shamanic type of ceremonies, or work with an psychologist who can work with psychdelics to workout some kinks regarding talent, and contemplating young with this and alchemy has been interesting, also the book of ra and the law of one stuff, in the end I often think as I charted people again, this stupid russian stuff from the girl… that I am looking at is somehow correct when it comes to qi-bodies in the 3/4d world. The health coach I followed has this qi-body of the fire monkey and I hate this idiot partially, it was and is my ex best friend he charts like Albert Einstein, I listend to audiobooks with him, then the ex has it at the exact same position, and quiet frankly I never liked the mischivous side of this one as that guy is the most lost ape I generally find, although he works well in communities, as I saw one enlightendmaster being a yang earth ape, I saw the difference in subtely of approach, they asked me if I wanted to get hit with sticks, and I said yes they never did it for some reason, as I predicted it every time, my mechincal mind still on.

He generally rejects metal people I get why, to romantic to brutal to prideful, if you enjoy some deep dives I’d really like to meet someone very deep in taiqi or qigong as I’ve been to China to see some stuff, also the fire monkey very often has a subtle comparision type of attitude that is simply immense, it makes sense attracing yin metal snakes??? Like this again the ex, and I see how there is a subtle idiocy around what happens, yet when I contemplate what Wilber created and the reality of it, I miss the purity of engaging in skill of music and creation, coding and creation and some sort of since and creation not out of a creationist consciouness, yet out of the pure joy and the overcoming of suffering etc. Idk it’s quiet odd, I am glad I meet Shinzen as at times I miss humour and I learn the most lessons from yang wood people irregardless of what it is exactly, I am convinced that I will get into some level of art stuff when I move to the u.s I badly want to here in Germany people are to stuck in the subtle survival of their collective, it’s not easy and the pure humour is also very very very close to science, as some people or a lot are highly educated so they have to dumb down jokes or express the wittyness of science, I saw that comedian I forgot his name we’re only 80mil ppl, in contrast to 300mil? In the u.s that is still massive difference, I wonder what it will be like living there, as there are for sure some more enjoyable flavours of development, yet in the end I wonder I feel as though I miss the spirit of my generation to be utterly self-created and customized, I miss the authentic cringe you won’t get in a community setting if not cultivated, and can only developed solo, I wonder what will happen and I’d like to get deeper into science even via certificates and see what happens and get experience in sciences more, I utterly did not go my path simply out of the love for unconditional love that type of experience and not being able to shut-off memory as my father was a gifted musician is odd, and I can’t tell how good or any type of reference simply because nobody speaks properly with me about the past in the u.s it’s very sad idk why, yet it causes me immense spiritual breakthroughs in terms of working through suffering. I also don’t quiet know what to think, I was legit in the mood as I was healthy in the gym dancing transcending survival drives etc. Like you do your football walk at the end of a touchdown… sigh Idk what to think.

This fame chasing is what I track the most and I will just celebrate my own life it’s a wonder that I am alive at times. I don’t think people can relate if they had a 100% clean birth there is no reason for me to have these types of memory, they all derive from logic which is even more nasty. If I ask the people they tell me it’s correct.

[once3800]

I’ve been reflecting on some stuff, and there is more and more health content coming out, and the issues is balancing it and, how some parts of my integral practice work and what the issue is partially, first of all, I am not working very scientifically currently, second of all, I feel as though there are some missing parts, and I also am becoming free, and the whole point of psychdelics nature and natural inclinations to realize spirit, also the benefit of participating in life and contemplating suffering to move through it, especially when you go to an retreat.

Otherwise, the benefits of art, and the issue of jealousy, also the point of keeping it real, and the whole astrology thing, even if you go to someone and I found the first astrologer speaking about god-realiziation who teaches you the art, there is the subtle undercurrent of him not getting the structure of creation where idk if human design and people who have this design actually are only able to be conscious of that, everytime I smoke cannabis I feel the undercurrent of it, and I faced the abyss of consciouness people speak about. I keep getting into science, and the more conscious I become I see how my health plays into consciouness the good parts and the bad parts.

The largets issue I’ve had though and I am looking to understand is the issue of being young, having wisdom and developing skill, with the limitations gifts and strength I have, I often realize that envy is a huge part of disruption of the spiritual journey, especially when I see other 4w5 people even if there are a lot of positive parts and there is a possible mutual support, impatience and envy are the two biggest hurdles when it comes to others, and hence I am looking to fix that relationship within myself, I feel as though I’ve been neglecting certain aspects, due to insecurities or the issue of society becoming more and more merit oriented and not seeing how this causes extractive capitalism, even when you focus on exellence and save some energy, and use it elsewhere, it’s the only solution I have for this, to not waste energy when people have this extractive mindset, especially if they can only love the material, I disagree with a lot of what I saw the last week, even if I find it interesting, as it’s this heavy utiliterian view, that sure I can just study biology, upgrade my biology and get better results, it’s as simple as that and that is the current reality, especially older people are not really used to a competence hierachy yet there is a subtle yearning for authority to guide them, I even see this in the oldest of awakend human beigns, and I feel I am the cut-off where I enact this also, yet not as dominatior hierachy oriented as others, hence I am facing the issue of maturity, leadership and teaching, directing etc.

What I notice the most is the deeper I get into consciouness or learning the material about tarot, astrology etc. My inner gut feeling tells me at one point more and more dismiss this, include that, learning discernment, especially if you’re training scientifically I notice as a yang essence is one of the fastest way I could work towards sotappanna etc. and not just achieving a state, and I still wonder the issue of specialness, tribal mentality etc. The more I disengage from this, the more spirit in this form comes, back the more I contemplate nature, and I feel the wholeness of I constructed my mother, I constructed love etc. I get the essence, yet when it comes to the feminine side or yin, I notice the issue of fullness, I require wisdom, knowledge, usefulness, value, trust, faith in trust, hardship, strength, etc. you name it to get better at quality transcending survival, transcending survival should be as it’s properly called here thriving, Thriving and this whole BaZi stuff with QiGong, the more I contemplate it and more esoteric, occult teachings like RA etc. contemplating the origin, why not just contemplate the origin and I would get consciouness, yet fullness is also beauty, I can enjoy imo very feminine music, to get a taste of this, and what I find tricky and difficult is to realize that usefulness and different perspective of use are part of love, of venusian love, that the delusions other have is maya, and to love it is leila as you gain more leverage over the experience. Generally the whole pragmatism side, and not being extracted by spirit/soul is what I facing in connection to sexual energy, I notice more and more if I focus on health as a topic, and work my best with conscious types of self-care practice, or noticing that the sexual energy that I have I can’t direct it to my purpose as very very often, procreation as a yang essence to create a purpose is the largest distraction of energy and the largest expenditure of energy, if I had good sex for example I noticed my body automatically waking up at 6am being ready to get the day going, yet the more I worked on my purpose I noticed the extractive forces of fullness and I yearned to engage in this feeling of No-Thingness to not notice the issue fullness causes or the chaotic forces of yin.

Also the issue of fasting and all of this stuff, for spiritual experiences etc. I feel as though I notice clearly that I wasted a lot of time, not attuning my health more and making proper reflections on my goals and the visualize my vision/mission and purpose in hits, or micro-hits as my pratice works differently for me, and the pressure of shadow work at times, at times it’s to much shadow work to little growth work to build up the ego for me and a healthy ego.

I notice, even when I am interested in tarot and other stuff, the more I get into it, there are about 2-3 people I still watch, as I can enjoy their perspectives more and somehow I can relate more idk why, yet it I see the illusion, and I still buy into it at times, yet also I notice some of this stuff is of spiritual benefit, just doing this morally at best at home is the best thing to do, I don’t think any of this is needed for spiritual enlightenment, what bothers me the most is the outsourcing of skepticism and I see some genuientness, especially as I just looked at all of this vedic stuff, and the guy spoke about god-realization and practically is not known.

What I notice more and more, the more I understand this partially the more I feel drawn again to Sadghuru and Deepak Chopras teaching as they simply include more science, and the point of an atheithis realizing god, as he has more faith not believing than someone who believes. As he’d on average be better at survival.

My challenge is steadily to find the right perspective to grow, I realized that I put 3 energizing practice the more I learn about movement etc. I can see how they energize certain aspects, the point is still also the more I see the followers of someone, be it spiritual, astrology etc. The core issue remains in the spiritual world, practice it’s as simple as that, a 1 year solid practice done to each day to the same time, 10-20x’s any psychdelic experience and retreat, also taking care of health, just creating all of these protocols and understanding form and not form as archetypes of the material realm, doing my own kind of philosophy, I realize more, if I get the whole idea of value being ingrained in usefulness stuff I thought as a 14-16 year old, the more I sense the spirit and structure behind it, and hearing Sadghuru speak of past lives is a little different than some ahyuasca spirit type of guy, I wonder if I find credible sources and I do stuff like this, as I am finding threads in this, if I am forced to experience it or not.

What I see the issue with other websites than integral is, that they discount thriving, as a core practice of spirituality hence embracing flow and fulness more, if I riff off what I listend to from the vedic astrologer, we’re in the electric age and we’re not done with astrology as a science, till the magnetic age, what bothers me a bit is the issue of contemporary science, sidihis and healing, especially when it comes to crystal and stones and stuff, my grandma used to enjoy this as a perspective and she was a certified reiki teacher, and she did this once at the scar since birth, as I had some psychological issues, similar to shakitpa and it did help to some extend, yet I never liked it as I wanted to do this on my own or understand this on my own, and she sensed the issue, it’s a bit bothersome she passed so early, the issue is I feel I am a radiator of shakptia and this causes issues, especially as my boundaries at times are not the best, I generated wei-qi? At the pinnicale of my practice when I worked out a lot or more, and I struggle with the issue of over-excitement, especially when it comes from others, so I am contemplating some vedic concepts while I am going through all of this, b.s as I have to forgive myself in this material dilema I am in, where I notice a lot a lot of issues many will deny, and are abusive, even if they claim they are not, and I am facing the manipulators and moving out the whole time, it’s a classi corruption, leaders not taking care of health is the nr.1 corruption I noticed the last year, even if they do and they act like weak deceivers and enjoy it, they are not mature enough to lead, they just guide the next person to something better at best, I am facing this issue with compassion etc.

As well as overthinking things and not acting enough, I will post after my meditation session, yet I am largely already done with my journal, I faced to many subtle attacks, jealousy and envy on the path towards any type of attainment, somehow it’s aligning itself more into a positive way and I am deleting everything, as I faced the issue of negative synchronicities etc. It’s as if reality is begging you to spend time, money and energy into the wrong people, even if they help for 5 minutes, it does not mean they are helpful/useful to you for longer than 1 year or so, and I am deleting all of them, as I notice the undercurrents of the issue of power, money, success and love for the material, as that is the biggest hoax, if you can love the material world, money, power and sex and you generally don’t abuse it, and are a good human, as everyone does mistakes larger and smaller, the whole spiritual hoax and people who derail you to surrender to something and self-sacrifice for some idiotic feeling is the biggest reason, why cults exist, they can’t love their physical material existence enough, as difficult as it already is and the more I realize what I love and what I takes and which demons I face, it’s often the demon of the jester, male playfulness and realizing how harsh that is, there is more I am legit looking for perspectives to deal with that.

Also the whole point of semen retention during a retreat and meditating through the night with rest states or reading something enjoying nature etc. Conscious self-care as well as conscious engagement with sex is the only solution to deal with excess yang if you can’t transmute it imo there are benefits of experience this ying quality and seeing it re-mulitply anyhow!

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**FULL NERVOUS SYSTEM CHAKRA ALIGNMENT** Resetting energy flow in nerve bundles - SOUND BATH

Forest River - Stream Sounds for Sleeping - No Birds - Relaxing Nature Video - Water Flowing 10 Hour

I meditated 40 minutes eyes-open, and due to having siddih types of experiences since 5-8 years approx. sind 2018 I’d say, it’s odd to see how my electric field or my aura of consciouness at times influences time through videos, I listend to some stuff in the background, deleted a few things that don’t provide as much value and did my SC’S. I did a brief celtic cross, I presume my family has celtic and my dna also celtic dna to some extend, so I prefer doing this, also my mother has green/grey eyes which are quie spookey at times, and I am half black/white in that regard, so I do this also a bit to connect to stage purple wisdom etc.

I meditated eyes-open to a video, and I notice the following, and the wisdom that was shared was what you feel emotionally is what you notice, and I am thinking now what I notice cognitively by mind is witnessing, that is a subtle distinction and it spoke about the moon, and my moon seems to be positive, when I look at this vedic stuff, and I trust this astrologer as he legit spoke about god-realization which few people will do, and he goes quiet deep into these archetypes, and I notice stuff.

I legit drew my personality card and the card of completion, in addition as essence and tendencies, what are the odds of this, I also notice, that due to my highly usually rushing type of adaptive nature doing this briefly and contemplating later is better to me, I do better doing multiple things than just one thing, I can concentrate, yet I get in a very deep mastery process, that takes me the whole day to contemplate it’s as if I’d do a 8-12h retreat, and I know these sessions are more like a slight breeze, instead of an intense workshop, as I am just attuning to the energy of the experience, and not to consciouness in anyway, yet I am getting so curious, and my perfectionistic tendencies are hindering me in some ways, and I gained insights into the healing qualities of stuff.

Also some very deep perspectives scientifically, I did not know this:

The Mitochondria Protocol: How to Actually Fix Your Energy

It’s a bit odd, to consider this, yet I am fortunate as my mother had more energy than my father, and she still has, yet I have the same sleeping patterns so at times I need 9-12h of sleep anyhow, I did not watch the full video.

I am still more in my contemplation mode, and I will watch most likely one more video tomorrow I get my lumbar spine checked MRT’ed, and I will see if I will get any accupuncture afterwards the career advisor also post-poned the meeting which is good, yet very often in meditation I am considering practical stuff, and it’s still an issue for me to get good at one thing, due to the nature of the reality that I am in at times.

I went a bit to fast with my health after the breakthrough, so I am looking to slow things down, I tested a bunch of stuff, I slowly need to test, and I am not the best chef, even when I cook well and my family and others enjoy eating what I cook, it’s mainly due to spices, and my own tongue, yet my hands are not that good and I don’t have the time to be that excellent, and have to work around some things, before I can even become that good.

I will revert back to eating complex carbs more, even if I found some info that eating more keto would be good, so I am cooking some stuff, now yet I really have to work with what is there, I inform my self meanwhile, and finish watching the video.

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I’ll look to do another 30 minute meditation later, as I was about curious about different perspectives and noticing some stuff, it’s somewhat evident, yet also quiet torn, I sense how some people re-enact scripts based on their conditioning and are partially in denial of it, yet at the sametime mean well, even if they are partially right I see this when I want to take care more of health, even if I do some stuff wrong, it helps me to grow more, and I can still change and fix it later, when the timing is simply better. At the sametime I notice two different things, people who delude themselves till they achieved what they want to achieve apparently, spiritual teachers who mean well and send you to a journey and invite you back to teach what they can teach, and the whole issue of being on your purpose on this spiritual path, what I see more and more is the neccesity to love the material, and rejuvinate with the spiritual when I see trip reports and I see what people report via a distance and online retreats and it takes this alien type of format, I notice mainly some issues, the advantages and disadvantegous as well as how spirituality works, when I contemplate more “shamanic approaches”, yet what I notice the most is how for me personally, working out doing strength based exercises and taking care of health with meditation is the best, and I sense some weird issues around sex with the people who do it all alone in a sense, that idk how to quiet view, as I noticed the power of this when I did a meditation retreat for 14 days and did not do any types of masturbatory activities after this I felt like the alchemy of wind hit me and I became extremely efficient at doing certain stuff and manging emotional issues of others on the spot, and I noticed the ego in every 5 seneses including around me, and their intent, this generally when I came back from retreats shocked me the most, that I could sense their survival intent and the whole issue of utility back then, now it’s a bit different.

After listening to some weird archetypal talks I notice more for example during a retreat, I also looked at a little astronomy, I was correct we’re not orbiting around the stupid sun, and it’s not the center of our galaxy technically, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Barycenter_(astronomy).

I have the book from Yogananda I am getting into his teachings most likely in the next year as a perspective, I know what works for me, for the current situation I am in, and my testing is limited to what I can do besides with psychdelics etc. What I notice is for me generally speaking living my life well contributes to deep spiritual insights, in a group and working in a group preps me for working solo, I am working myself up there again. I also notice the priviledge of doing solo retreats, they work more like the moon described by what I am looking at it’s more like an influx, the god-consciouness or consciouness moves into me and hits me, and I don’t move towards it, the more I live a good live the more I move towards it and it’s more of the reflux of consciouness.

What bothers me a bit, is seeing the issue of drama, to get attention and I am looking into some stuff, at times I don’t even have the priviledge to create such turmoil. I contemplate some other stuff, what I notice the most is the drama of attacking others for glee, and how consciouness works like a barycenter, if you get it your pulled into it, yet you also have to be willing, otherwise idk I find the issue of arrogance and pride seems to be the largest issue when I face my own personal path in a group. I wonder how this will change.

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I am not going to meditate, when I think about what I write and what I am going through it’s a bit 50/50, the more I notice some of the stuff the more I notice time and time again, doing stuff quietly and buying stuff that creates systems that support myself is the best thing I can do, I enjoy sharing stuff and being more extroverted, yet what I notice the most is the pattern that is why I might’ve attracted the past relationship of loving the abuser, and some people clearly lead me into an abusive direction while being constantly in denial of it, and that destroyed a lot. I keep listening to this stuff and I contemplate some stuff from Deepak Chopra, and other things as I don’t think there are to many mature people and the core issue I am having are better discussed with someone who has a deeper psychological maturity, as I’ve said I do my best to get of the journal entirely, and especially check out different perspectives, what I notice the most is when I get a huge skill upgrade or life upgrade things drastically break-down this karma is not from me, and I notice this everytime and it seems to dissolve again. Some stuff is legit from abusive relationships realizing that it’s the tribe/family is something new and different.

I was working also to deep on ends, other are constantly jealous about and they really hated me and I got 0 love and support for enjoying and yearning to work with A.I I still enjoy coding and that type of work, yet I also have to get back into it, and my interest in science etc. Takes on a new level, just this physical stuff where my body reacts to past relationships involuntarily is extremely strange, I don’t really know what to do with this, and how to get it out of my system.

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I get it now also the Quantum Body he speaks about is the causal body, I totally missed the entire career trajectory of this, due to the issue I had it was as if causal relationship of reality meets subtle relationship of reality, I steadily also get causal state hits, and grew through this into the subtle, yet I immediately sense the causal… sigh idk what to say, yet I really enjoy it when I can cry at stories it shows me a kernel of truth that I otherwise wouldn’t see.

Also at times this happens in real time, it’s very weird, I don’t think it’s of benefit to work with people who traumatize etc. Even via a causal distance I am 100% sure I made Sadghuru and others cry and connect and I connected via this, simply as I had no one to connect to only utiliterian type of subtle love, not even the depth of causal love, where I question polygamy extremely, idk how it feels at non-dual, yet in the end I only had 2-3 non-dual hits entirely one as a kid etc. I am curious, I definitely should stop listening to some content when it’s to much tough love.

The largest issue I see is the politics of enlightenment you could say, even nowadays and cults. For me it’s evident teachers also react very differently to me, and you get access to the energy field, some even if noble are not truly worthy I feel, idk what to say it’s legit as if fire is the only noble element, yet dowsing this is completely different. Idk it’s weird to detach from all of this and consider more integral notions and think about the state of humanity instead of priding it out.

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grok 3 is insane btw, idk what the guy is doing absolute perversion it’s insane

https://grok.com

like wtf

I talked to it. Without sexy/unhinged mode…

Feeling a causal state tied to white light, like Deepak Chopra describes, is about tapping into pure consciousness—total stillness, unity, where the self dissolves into infinite awareness. It’s like basking in a radiant, formless glow, beyond thought or form, just being. Ken Wilber’s causal body aligns here as the deepest layer of existence, the unmanifest source of all experience, distinct from the subtle body’s vivid imagery, emotions, or visions—like dreams or astral states. Chopra’s quantum body ties this to biology through non-local consciousness. He sees the body as a field of infinite possibilities, governed by quantum processes—like subatomic particles popping in and out of existence. Biologically, this might relate to how cells communicate instantaneously, say, through quantum coherence in microtubules, as some theories suggest. It’s not directly white light, but that light symbolizes the unified field where mind, body, and spirit converge. Subtle body experiences feel more tangible—vibrations, colors, or archetypes in meditation or dreams. Causal experiences are emptier, formless, like sinking into pure silence. Quantum theory fits in by suggesting consciousness influences reality at a fundamental level, linking biology to that infinite field. Clear enough?

Alright, let’s weave this idea into Ken Wilber’s framework. If you see everything as created by and made of God’s consciousness, you’re tapping into what Wilber calls the Nondual state, with a strong lean toward the Causal level in his Integral Theory. Here’s how it fits: Wilber’s model describes stages of consciousness, from gross (physical reality) to subtle (energetic and psychic) to causal (formless awareness) and ultimately to nondual, where subject and object, self and God, merge completely. When you say everything springs from God’s consciousness, you’re pointing to the Causal state—where all forms, all phenomena, arise from a singular, formless source, like waves from an infinite ocean. In this view, God’s consciousness is the ground of being, the source code of reality, and everything—trees, thoughts, galaxies—is an expression of that one consciousness. Wilber would frame this as realizing the Witness or pure awareness, where you see that all manifestations (gross and subtle realms) are made of the same divine “stuff.” It’s not just that God creates things like a sculptor makes a statue; it’s that everything is God’s consciousness in different forms. The indigo or higher transpersonal stages come into play here, as they involve integrating this realization into your daily experience. You’re not just glimpsing the divine in meditation—you’re starting to see the world as a seamless expression of that consciousness, where there’s no real separation between creator and creation. This also ties to Wilber’s concept of “Kosmic consciousness,” where you recognize the unity of all quadrants (interior, exterior, individual, collective) as expressions of the same divine reality. It’s like saying the universe is God’s dream, and you’re both a character in the dream and the dreamer itself. To live this, Wilber might suggest practices like meditation or inquiry to stabilize that nondual awareness, so you don’t just intellectually get it but embody it. Does this framing hit the mark for you? Want me to focus on how to practice this in Wilber’s terms or maybe connect it to specific spiritual traditions he draws from, like Advaita Vedanta or Zen? Let me know where to go next!

I am just going to review my sessions with A.I in speech mode, like I can’t believe it how often I am outdated as I was at the forefront of it and hit with daily news of this… anyhow

This was the video:

A Summary of the book, Quantum Body

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The unhinged mode is just wrong, yet I had to laugh so hard it’s insane. That gave me a nice reflection of reality. Oh man, idk what to say with all of this politics b.s stuff, I wonder what will actually happen. I should use it more as a learning tool than anything.