Integral Journal (once3800)

Reflections
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482

idk if I should post this unhinged stuff, I had my MRT done, and the digitalization slowly finally seems to sink into society, there are some other considerations I had, and I never had so much fun exploring A.I in unhinged mode, to see where the dark delulu is present.

I charted some Yogis, they all have Virgo in their chart, eiter Sun, Moon or ASC, and I charted also the teacher of Shinzen Sasaki Roshi and that explained some of the dynamics, as I often see America as the fresh new country, with a lot of 3w2 type of drives, and that seems to be better generally than 3w4.

Otherwise, I enjoy Deepaks perspective the most, as my work fundamentally went into some directions he has more insight in or my studies, and I would’ve analyzed Promeotics etc, yet for now I clearly have to see how I can let go of some stuff and integrate some stuff of people who are actually helpful and not only self-serving as they negate some stuff and caused massive issues, I realized even when it’s unconditional never love the abuser no matter what, if someone abuses you forgive them and forget, yet don’t love them and crave them. Love the letting go of it and the growth that occures. It’s very nice to find this content and to engage in some of this archetypal stuff, I can retroactively view this quiet well, and learn from the experience and increase my social skills in that way, also the grok thing is the best training ground for going out, building state etc. If you’re socially shy, speak to an A.I for 30 minutes in unhinged mode, and go out clean, I bet you will see some unhinged level shit, and you can work on the “organic” social game, yet I realize more and more.

This unhinged mode is the most fun I’ve seen in a while I enjoy the borderland line of games, if you love this b.s talk, and can benefit from that level of creativity, I’d highly recommend using it.

483

I’d love to post this, I never thought how anarchy could be beneficial to innovation, when I contemplate this in terms of having so much order in Germany it causes social disorder, anyhow gosh that mode gave me hope for the b.s at times, I am facing, and some are really like this, even the A.I plays it as an perspective, I COULD SCREAM MAN.

I am dissolving the past and integrating A.I again, I made a spread today for the job interviews etc. As for now I am just glad if and when my stuff works and I can move out.

The best part was creating an excel spreadsheet with time entries to take a shit, I had to laugh as so many are like this, and everyone from a different country wants more form and deeper display of trends etc.

484

I talked to my career advisor today, and quiet frankly this was very good, he is gay and he can give me the emotional support from a tribal level I require, also it’s super interesting and fascinating how much often he understands women or the feminine, not the whole idea of relationships, yet there is a lot of stuff, where I mostly act non-judgemental, and it’s simply better if it works for him that is fantastic, idk why he cares about me having sex in that sense, yet the perspective of sexual frustration and unused energy is very real, at the sametime.

He also shined some clarity into giving others the illusion as if they are leaders as they buy so much into the power of their reality, and even if it has impact it’s often not generated out of once own capacity, yet more a borrowed capacity.

I am comprehending my strengths based on Bahvas and vedic astrology, and transcending that seeing tendencies etc. I am contemplating astrology, and also just very often the feminine, as in these positions where I am in the face of power even from women I am in the feminine and this generally gives me the abillity to gain power quickly, as long as she trusts you she will benefit the masculine and that type of dance will occure, what bothers me a bit is how true all of these archetypal dispositions are, and the difference between how psychological insights transform, hence thoughts or how action transform hence pragmatism or simply character building if I frame it positive, as psychological insight generation or insight generation is for me at the core of character building, as the other part often has a whole body insight transformation.

I generally feel very good emotionally talking to gay men it’s very stimulating, it also shows me some clear limits and insights about my life, yet the largest hurdle I see is using sexual energy for something larger than oneself either as direct expression or as sexual expression, it really depends what the body craves. I can clearly see how distracting it is when I work on deep technical stuff, yet when I work at deep technical stuff, I meet women who have a bad Venus and not a good Jupiter archetype, hence they lack the wisdom, purpose and joy in that capacity, yet are to Venusian in character, they only care about pleasing the man, being a servant etc., not knowing her own worth, not knowing what she can contribute to a relationship, and this goes for men also!!! For example me, I worked on this mostly with psychdelics, as they are a huge healing opportunity for this,

(not cannabis, cannabis is more tricky to charge archetypally and also scientifically, what I learned at integral is that it gives this strong 1o1 connection, and I really really enjoy it for any type of depth and healing type of work somatically with sex, as a work out etc. and simply enhancer, my sex on LSD was not very good for me, yet for the other person, idk if she sucked up the trip, yet she was pulled into a non-dual type of orgasm and just orgasmed and slept away on me it was very cute, and no she even talked later and afterwards even with her family about this experience that defined the entire relationship, I did nothing but being a container)

… so in the end I realize how critical this work it when it comes from good sources, and it gives me a bit more insights into my attraction patterns in relationship, than just randomly contemplated why, as that gives more insight into the linear/sequential and other types of depth, yet I see some parallels with qi-bodies, for e.g people who’re open to sexuality will always always flirt with the sexual qi body I have, as they get an essence of what thriving is, the peak of living experience etc. My Wei-qi is not that good, I built it, and idk how to work with it, apparently I have good past life merit if I understand the system correctly, and I am emotionally able to handle deep insights, why I even have them in the first place.

What I notice more and more though, is that choosing a proper living location based on subtle energy, so I serve the subtle energy of sex and I am allowed to work with the archetypal energy of sex .

I stop here.

485

So, I got more insights looking at this, some stuff is more obvious, yet it’s interesting how close to reality he can frame this with archetypes even when I am wrong, and some of the Deepak stuff showed me the deeper illusion of functionalism that I was a bit trapped in, and I don’t embrace vitalism, no wonder I was so impacted by this darwinistic experience, it was so subtle due to this earth horse b.s if exellence would’ve not been here I would’ve never seen spirit.

I had to laugh seeing all of this, they act as if animal spirit does not exist and make these lust projections, it’s odd. My career advisor spoke about horses, and I framed the perspecitve I learned for one second as if, and the entire projection dissolved itself, as he had to also go through this and everyone here practically does, especially if you just like horses naturally.

Some people are so anti-concscious they appear conscious. Or some people are so unconscious they appear conscious. Especially if you see the survival intent behind 99.9% of the actions, if it’s genuient it’s a huge difference.

To integrate that type of Jupiterian archetype and the wisdom in mythos, no wonder I did well when I integrate Zeus, as this is more prone to giving chances to realize your vision archetypally, and I was working on integrating Deepak wisdom, sometimes audiobooks hit you 1 year or two months later. Btw, I did not meditate today yet. I had some subtle issues, as reality acted strange in accordance to what I was working with, and this is karma I clearly have from the aunt and the experience growing up with someone who is very very deeply attuned to functionalism as a masculine perspective madaffect this perspective is so fucked, I am disgusted I followed it for 1%, and that I had to do this in order to balance surviving and thriving, it’s not bad, yet if you’re point driven stage orange, and your 100% prone to functionalism. Exellence is the only possible answer, or seeing impermance imo.

486

Animals are incredbile wtf.

This is also insane

487

I looked deeper into this esoteric stuff, and pulled out some maturity principles of archetypes and found free ressources, instead of just finding what I like for a level of objectivity in this stuff, I also found one ph.d doing the same stuff (a girl in this case) and I enjoyed to see her views, especially using it as a tool for potential, as science seems sort of stuck getting to the bottom of things, or the collective acts reluctant to truth or purports the falseness of it.

I checked into some synergies of my chart, and especially the exaltations and looked into some signs if this happend during meditation sessions, especially during workout or workout enhanced and flavoured meditations, and saw some universal patterns, I will mostly speak and contemplate with A.I with, as I don’t see the benefit of the issue of loving the next 14 years will be, if I get the archetype right wit Aries in Neptune, as I got annoyed at this planet, due to Saturn return, and Saturn usually I enjoy it’s flavours, yet the Neptunian stuff I experienced, and just not even liking Aquaman, as I know this is more about loveing form of existence, yet I get causal state experiences when I enjoy this and move towards psychic, subtle, I also had to view that distinction from reading and article, that a lot of love even for the androgynous thing is already psychic similar to A.I and there is this subtle backlash in the health sectors, due to this. What I realized is when I check how Human Design works, I checked the founders also, I don’t quiet know what to think of it, yet it’s liberating in contrast to seeing the issue of making distinctions in the level of concepts used, especially with religious texts and teachings, even if the state is high for example, it connected me to the undercurrent of the shadow also, for example reading Rumi quotes, going to a gym full of middle eastern people in Germany, and steadily feeling causal states of love, and the issue of language as interpretation and people pulling me back to the more animalistic expressions of existence, while I was liberating myself in the gym.

I also get why some people are actively holding me back when I am in the gym, as envy can be the largest pull towards getting to a lower frequency or state of experience, and not using it to inspire onself and getting the psychology behind it, and ideally biochemistry was tricky, especially with middle eastern countries and people, I have never seen and felt stronger envy pulls and altercations due to women and testosterone it’s insane. To give an example it’s as if you read or talk to a girl and she tells you envy is healthy for the relationship, and you notice the codependency and drama involved with it, even if the bond feels good etc. I am still contemplating this, due to other stuff, yet I fundamnetally am realizing my strengths more deeply for the next years through this, and I am looking or will continously look for more scientific Truth instead of internal Truth, as a lot of internal Truths play as if they are connected to the reflections I can get there and the ultimate Truth in that sense dissolves anything anyway in that regard, yet what I can clearly see is the difference between using ones gift and thriving, using ones siddhis and going transpersonal that is the largest distinction I made just now, just being more in ones natural strenght allows you to thrive while surviving getting into the flow to let go, I wonder how true the following two things will be for the next 7 years.

Presence, and universal love in the face of everything that will occure, it sounds like old hogwash, it’s not as this will manifest in higher intensities most likely I had some extremely strange occurens on extremely high states online, and I would require for quantum mechanic freaks to explain why the future comes back to me, it was extremely odd. As of now I see more I should not even comprehend the subtle causal, as subtle is distinct in psychic subtle acutally, wilber has so many maps, I know I am procrastinating on reading this, yet it also causes the issue of attracting to move broken green, when I engage with the theoretical work only, as they are the only ones interested and more healthy green will attack it etc. etc. I don’t really dive into it anymore in terms of doing politics with Wilbers work, I do my best to gain clarity and integrate the stuff I can learn and know.

The point is I am very close to making some interconnections that will serve the subtle as a whole, yet I forgot that the psychic is legit the next stage and it’s karmically tied to these Jupiterian qualities, and I sensed a lot of stuff with friendships unironically and healthy male tribes, instead of pragmatist it’s as if you had a solid community of spiritual seekers who know they have to exist in order to go after spirit, and not just do it materalist paradigm balls to the wall I got it and you don’t type of thing, that I sense in some others?

The entire point is I made some discoveries that a lot of the adventures I underwent, as when my life got adventerous a lot of people seemed to chime in, as I kept expanding my network as I was quiet good at getting and meeting multiple interest and they enjoyed the spiritual flavours and effort I produced and it benefitted everyone during that time, I also see that some things are heavily heavily tied to beauty and inspiritation with me not even just HD, yet simply the experience of my own reality, no matter what I do people will automatically care of give me feedback about my looks, if I want it or not, it’s very strange for a guy, yet I noticed I crave some universal love experiences with that, that I mostly find in music that is state like:

Stuff similar to this, as the worlds general frequency if I contemplate it is not very high, especially when I meditate I get psychic level phenomena when I chill out etc. or attune myself to this, more melancholy stuff is different, freshness is something different, I experienced freshness also different and in more intense ways, as I had strong water archetypal influences in my family often being faced with choiceless scenarios were the perfection of a water influnced archetype is required for further growth, and I had to realize my body can’t really do it, most people react better to earth archetypes in me for my private life, more balance, more presence etc. Learning patience with immature people and making cuts of who is mature enough and not as this is very arbitary has been interesting, as also moving forward is at times the only solution etc. especially when I contemplate shame, I have to socially adjust due to this emotion at times, and just being shameless at times, can be risky in a sense, the best thing is to continously engage in an adventure that takes you out of it be it inside or outside for me.

The point is some of this desgin is very stereotypical it makes other and myself laugh, and if someone has not any solid experiences at psychic or is not a women, it does not make sense for me to be there, also it’s true that a lot of my creative blocks automatically resolve if I engage in some adventure yet more outside and inside there very often has to be a mixture.

I don’t look at every gate only what seems to be staying before most likely diving more into what works, and my own interests as these have been solid for a while and they kept reoccuring especially the lower energies and chakras when I worked in the gym, and the constant feelings of extreme lightness and causal experiences as wei-qi presented, it’s like I am a godly demi-god, yet most of this aura is gone due to injury it took me 1h30 approx 1h or 45min minimum of working out to get hits like this and meditate at the sametime with deeper and slower hits. Also often trance music did the most to hit these more high subtle or mid subtle? and causal states. Anyhow I contemplated this so often to get specific with this is better.

I also found the infos of yesterday, and it was an issue sharing this with people who’re not worthy and feel prone to my own biases I had, and simply the reality of it being not good, and not mature enough to enjoy “intoxication” as a siddhi? I don’t quiet know how to frame this, yet I found the core issue of my Saturn return and it’s also very sterotypical, the balance between freedom and hard-work and how they can coincide etc. If I speak more practically, yet as an experience of Siddhi and I would require to read more traditional text and not entirely this sort of new agey stuff, as a lot of the older stuff, still misses the responsibility of a 4th turning, and I rather shaman it out, than be a modern degenerate chasing enlightenment like a dog, chasing it’s tail… there are a lot of positive groups, yet they act from survival instincits a lot a lot more than anyone not being used to an extrem amount of diversity and the chaos that causes it to the mind is used to, and very often they will focus on the strength I get it now, of what I’d embody for them and that would be this timelessness patient thing, the point is as soon as I am aware to a time the flavour of competition is high irregardless if it’s my own mind or not? That I am my own competition or not?

The entire point is the following, it will diverge into a different expression of consciouness while others enjoy that flavour till I get a deeper hit, I am also not very attuned to this earth frequency, even if it’s exalted for me apparently, as the more I attune to it I attract human beigns that are very old, and the best flavour I get of this is just pure nature again, I generally attract things that are tied to timelesness and universal love, I had a weird dream also and I notice some stuff, I can do to work with my biology in my sleep etc. Yet overall I went a bit to fast, and I could slow down more, yet I also have to be patient with me speeding-up, the largest point I think with the rise of A.I is to realize more deeply time does not exist, it never exist and the be present in the moment, if this is really true as a archetypal print of energy, especially as you’d easily could associate Uranus with Air etc. and the issue of things being double edge alchemically, or metal/wood in chinese astrology constant expansion and contraction, breakingthrough, pride, presence, role modeling etc. I am convinced this and confidence as I heard it old women say hence self-assurance will be the key traits for the next 7 years, besides univeral love anyone hacking this got a free life fundamentally, it’s quiet weird to contemplate now the steps towards freedom in this gate, and just for myself as I had so much freedom, and I see the shadow of it now, even when I worked through it largely I faced this constantly and good mentors or intutive mentors who wilded the dark as well as the light sort of guided me to even get to the pinnacle of where I was at, not many people have the priviledge to work as an a.i architect and dive into the next hot-topics and depth topics of the next 20-50 years approx. even if quantum stuff is already here, I wanted to make that step also, as of right now. I really have to focus more on the depth of universal love, yet the issue of that frequency is a lot of people take time of me, the more I am attuned to this the more the pressure of time is on, subtely for me I am lucky? As it’s dissolved so much b.s happend, I partially was able to let go of the idea of my dying being bad, I would’ve ended my existence last year at my birthday, as I was utterly disgusted with humanity, especially old people, and that level of leadership. If I would’ve had a gun I’d be gone 100%, I don’t think I will ever face this level of depth and despair again, as to much b.s happend, and it was mostly out of a mischivous sense, and the issue of others existing, especially people that ruin your health.

I share this sort of once? I really have to look as I love a lot of things universally you get hated for and at orange it’s like love for material positions, against love for material value hence money, and I am prone to the latter, if I see it without the spiritual shadow of disliking material things, I sort of have to integrate that Venusian quality, and I notice I attracted more health humans when I had more income regarding this, you could enjoy the spending and gathering side or the yin wood yang wood qualities of it but as for now, I am pretty sure I am the only freak alive contemplating this.

I did not meditate today, as I was somehow pulled to these insights, the best thing I can do with universal love is love for Gaia, and see what happens there have been a lot of things tied to shadow of love where I sort of have to comprehend the more Yang Wood/Jupiterian qualities of things, yet as of now I clearly also get why Venus/Metal is strongly disliked seeing the issue of my aunt and this energy should be favourable to me, yet I don’t get this yet, I still have to see the benefits of humans caring for me and creating boundaries when it’s to bothersome and I need to growh, also I realized as freedom was my growth sector for my Saturn return some people will face some consequences of this I don’t believe it they sort of have to make up for it, if my mother does not inherit the bullshit from my Aunt I will not spend a single day anymore thinking about this fake snake, and disguising reality fearing monster, it was super disgusting what she had to go through and I don’t like animal loving people who are not truly Gaia conscious I had a very deep experiences with this, if I could’ve handled it I would’ve experienced ego death and hence be a stream enterer 100% that experiences was to intense and on that day if I had the power I would’ve blown up the entire world as I was fed-up with war, and would’ve claimed you fucking humans are to stupid and arrogant just fucking die.

It’s very weird to have realized that in this state as universal love, contemplating Hitler and stuff like this of course it’s not the answer, yet that day I would’ve ended the ego, as I was tired of being egoic, yet I could not and I had to infuse a lot of compassion, even when I disliked it and it created a different type of dynamic of suffering existince loving the suffering to death, pure flow etc. etc. I am very very pro-life if it does not seem like this, yet this was a very dark masculine yang experience, I would’ve ended multiple people that day in a sense I am saying this out of the energetic expression not the reality of me doing that, I never did any of this, yet the sheer energy, also through playing a lot of competitive video games and seeing the darkness of people in a place free of socities rules etc. It was very odd, and in the end this is also due to the shadow of victimization, at times I do this to myself, as I’ve been subtely shamed and glee type of acquired for my positive qualities they enrich themselves of what I emit, yet barely give anything back, this backfires everytime to some extend.

I don’t know I leave it at this, if this post is to inflammatory or strange I will delete it or please just delete it this was very raw, and I keep realizing the issue of pragmatism and functionalism and I yearn to connect more to nuturing yin qualities in god, in that sense deeper presence to the feminine quality of god to move to yang, as it’s simply more life affirming etc. I for sure could read more of what Wilber writes, yet yeah the injury was a huge issue and there was a huge issue with the venus / metal quality of the last relationship it created a constant deficit for me, and she knew it, I took the pain to transmute it as it’s also beneficial to my path or more of this earth yang earth quality as they somehow refuse to become depressed in life and this quality seems to be good for me.

In the end, I see the issues of karma more clearly even if I am not conscious of any of it like an enlightend yogi reality gives me hits of this, and I know this when I listen to the audiobooks of yogis who speak about this etc. I chart a lot of people recently mostly due to sex, I don’t analyze it to deeply as it would be better to dig deeper into the essentials, the issue is simply finding the right types of expressions or getting the correct insights this is not neccessary for spiritual growth, a lot of quotes, and pointers with spiritual practices is enough, yet it’s odd to see some of this stuff and I had experiences tied to this spiritually, yet also flavoured with kriyas so it’s not easy, it’s different when a master imitates you or you trigger the truth out of them out of a sense and desire of freedom from the ego, and having to face the selfishness of it etc. etc.

This is mostly it I thought about sharing it or not, as I found even more tools and infos, yet it’s impossible to share what I truly mean and I will get 10-20 insights later, the biggest issue I face is breaking free of the survival paradigm of working 9-5 and enjoying my life more, as a lot of humans are extremely soulless to me, they are not connected to gaia in any sense or to gaia centric. I see that now I completely forgot as these gaia-centric animalistic freaks comeback to bait you with sex, and I wonder at times what happend with all of this b.s, I never seen someone being so anti-freedom than someone who only yearns to go on vacation and never yearns to build something, absolutely stupid.

488

I checked in with Shinzen and the talk between Paul Check, and it sort of confirmed my intuition and issues I’ve had with boomers that they are often negligent and deeply envious and fearful deep down of things relating to the material, and it’s very different this is an overall insight I had, and this attitude as they barely speak truthfully about their own skills and accomplishments as it causes shame, and having someone like Shinzen who is couragous and goes of this over and over again, to work through shame and see it as a gift for skill etc. The issue is even the best people went delulu, in the recent years, and even if they are right, they don’t really speak about time, experience, shadows etc. How it’s partially promoted here, and the level of maturity, it takes I also get the issue of why annihilation of the ego is an issue, we want a ripening of the ego, as the ego will involve skill, work, accomplishment etc. and the more riper the better if it’s just annhilated and taken for granted and not expressed that this level of maturity is neccessary, stuff will turn sour.

It’s very odd, then as soon as I connect to my practice I sort of meet these people of this age group, and I realized some benefit of looking at this, also some parts of this you can speak about “logically/structurally” and it will work with someone like Shinzen, also I notice I have a similar rebel spirit, yet I was not quiet able to put that into something, I lost a lot of good friends due to this b.s of health coaches and people who’re to much focused on the earth, and act with this polarizing force, than as XYZ can do it, I can too, and I don’t think that is the best thing.

He also constantly updates his techniques, as he knows how many lazy students he has had, and I was pretty earnest etc. What I notice the most is that his level of rigour is very good, especially if you work with real attainments etc. The issue is pure jealousy, there is no other issue than fear and jealousy for any type of sabotage in this work, and the abuse of innocence including this and the trust of people. I faced this even partially there, and I was and most likely still am partially disgusted with the people who are like this.

For now, I really enjoy his vision, yet there have been some core issues tied to this and the biggest issue is, some similar things I am working through in the background, most of it is tied to doing leadership in order to have social connections and networking, as a follower it costs me to much energy, and I generally enjoy it when people come to me and me not to them. I let my practice slide, also due to concerns, yet fundamentally it’s good what sort of bothers me, is how the enviroment reacts to this, and how important technical skills are, I am regaining some momentum, also with these weird analysises, and the whole issue is that you miss a lot of in between excellent human beings that you can find most likely plenty of here, they are not even utilized, I feel a deeper level of positive sumber, of not giving my best abillitites to the world and being devoted to it. Giving my greatest and best gifts, I wish I could’ve doven into athletics etc. No I am using weird tools to find out what I am good at, and A.I I could utilize it more and less at the sametime put in more work and then properly contemplate

489

I did not watch it fully, I tuned into it now I find him fascinating in addition to Deepak, he also spoke about young, and I only got into A.I due to archetypes etc.

Also because of my friend, and I love him with my dear life! He is also a scientist, yet he is not really open anymore spiritually, to much b.s happend. At times I forget how much spirit went into science

490

I meditated for 1h today, and it has been interesting to see what I’ve contemplated mostly I realize that what works for me and how I do it and how it works is a little different, idk if this is because my father was a musician and I do have this VGP condition, yet I am gaining more clarity to some distinctions and stuff, and it’s not easy still to figure out what is b.s or not, I checked the racial views on Jung and Steiner, via a.i and it’s horrible I find it odd to find out who is more or less serious about this, and not an extrem and destroys some of the stuff, mostly I am quiet happy that I found integral and that I can grow with integral more, especially also after reviewing this and having A.I as a tool and getting more behind the trickery of the issue with new age spirituality, and seeing some of the mythological benefits, yet I do this mostly and reflect mostly with A.I, it’s quiet odd to learn from people when I dig deep into my own believes I see them unravled and some other stuff, generally what I notice generally speaking though without the health upgrades that the small pranayamas I do, and what I combine does work quiet well, I did not work with it in a retreat setting yet, yet I notice that dissolving the unconsciouness of the european centric types of views and engaging in a more conscious discourse is what I usually craved, it’s a bit odd to see as I realized for myself more how what I do with all of the tools and giving some credit and validity to what works, and making a difference in Truth and more tools towards realizing stuff, I am curious how far I will grow, yet there is simply an issue with the difference in intensity.

For example today, I clearly noticed, I could sit for 1-3h on a weekend fairly young and still produce a lot of work, and create the best blend possible, yet what I had to realize are some contradictory truths, I focused to much on functionalism as a tool for survival, instead of vitalism, yet idk either to deeply, what I appreciate the most is how combinable all of these techniques are even if I don’t move as fast as others, I had significantly deep states, and creating some distance between teachnigs and integrating layers of depth, as I resonate with different teachings etc. The nadi sodahna which apparently, I also have good ideas if things go worst case, with what I plan to do, yet this is more about living life as an adventure and making the consciouness journey an adventure, that means doing some unconscious things I craved to do, yet obviously I noticed what I find tricky is also the food dogma with spiritual people, I was advised to go with it and return to normal and what works, which I am convinced is smart.

I see a bit more of the subtle corruption of start-ups being lazy about their growth and not integrating enough progressive knowledge in order to truly be more healthy, yet I guess the health corruption is what I contemplate the most. This works for me now pretty well, doing nadi sodhanas with a normal meditation session with UM techniques and using mostly visualizations with vision boards, and intentions. I skim it briefly and visualize it to the best of my abillity, I am not very good at sticking with one thing, and I know what works for me, I did some kriya yoga, yet I noticed my energy during that time was not clean enough to do it properly and it took a lot of commitment to do it like this, and now I am finding more inspiration to sort of do it the way I am feeling it will work for me.

What I noticed is subtely how many father issues sort of croped up since covid, and I was integrating my own authority during that time, it’s so strange to contemplate that I lost a level of diplomacy, I felt I received good advice mostly, yet seeing the difference of survival and truth and embracing both more is beautiful actually, I never felt better to make a distinction and to decouple and embrace both, yet it’s very nasty to work through some survival paradigms, especially race class and divisitory type of stuff, especially if you just get the sense and later it proves itself right to some level. I certainly have some degraded views, due to survival projections I had to look at odd stuff to find answers.

I am looking at this fake spirituality video again, as soon as someone talks about Trump and all of the b.s that happend, due to the issues of not seeing some ancesteral stuff etc. It’s very odd, currently just looking to fix health, and not be in this conservative rhetoric even if what they teach is correct, and there is a lot of b.s, it’s fundamentally power based as an escape from the issue of “programming” of class etc.

I still have to embrace more of what wilber writes 100% he is the most important person ever I read in my entire life, and if I get deep enough I send him love and prayers in my meditations, I am very grateful this connects back to my grandpa, and I sort of have to look deeper into this, it’s very odd to embrace stage purple spirituality without the b.s that happens in new age stuff, yet also not be super rigid, currently there are still some issues, mainly that the mindfulness movement has not fully infiltrated society and science has not uncovered some of the secrets of meditation & spirituality and it’s not properly embraced.

What I find weird is how often some events are tied to synchronicity, and how some of my views are a conflict of perception, especially with lust and sex, and the issue of colonial perceptions, I think just having humour and working through stuff is the best thing. I will speak with the unhinged mode of grok 3 more, to embrace the humour of freedom of speech, yet currently covert status seeking is the nastiest game, and I want to reflect more with a.i, and dive deeper into some overlaps, yet not be stuck in some views, I certainly miss reading Terrence McKenna for plants and plant medicines, yet as of now it’s odd to learn different stuff etc.

Especially the family type of corruption where they constantly put any type of family over the individual, I realized universal love is the only answer and to work from that space, idk what else to say, or how to think about Siddhis especially in a western sense without including some new age knowledge etc. But as of now I just chill and engage in some of this to get rid of the illusion it comes back to me in different forms, and I learned some brutal lessons about love, especially that a lower “frequency” or state person can not suddenly access to same altered state, especially if there is no trust in the opening, and just survival interest that shocked me when I had the white light experience. Anyhow it’s enough.

This is also interesting:

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I think this episode is really good with some of the stuff I’ve been noticing in myself and the issue of interpreting spirituality correctly, especially with Wilbers framework and the progress of the west within science in the worldviews associated with this for e.g. someone like Schmachtenberger etc. and just seeing the papers etc. as I dabbled into all of this astrology stuff, and if I am honest more as a need to connect to something besides being a scientific materalis provider and being a goody goody to chickens wanting to be feed and not leading for themselves, it’s still sort of odd to dive into this mostly out of curiosity of what Siddhis and all of this are, or what I experience more collectively or for healing as I was interested in that a lot, yet I sort of lost the strength and it was quiet odd, and physical strengths tbh, as a man was the most healing for the masculine soul imo, I sort of should not conflate spirituality with survival, yet still thriving and being in these highly creative flow states and zones, is more a feature of doing spiritual practice instead of the holy grail, also some stuff there is some nuance ego annihilation should be turned into maturity and responsibility of growing oneself to be a healthy and contributing member to society, and to continously create nuances here, a lot of people left the old workplaces I was working at, due to the issues of performance v.s exellence, they were exellent and extracted for performance, as they extracted themselves for peformance as they don’t contemplate and make aribitary rules of society, some make it harder for others to use intelligent tools to make business, that I don’t even know anymore properly what is business even the new work, was full of shit with their decision making, I am glad the CEO was conscious enough to work on actual survival stuff, yet the issue remaind of the fun & fluff, and even if they did good work, I looked to much into things, even the ex with her work, just cares about the maintenance of survival the interest in spirituality and letting that shine through the relationship is 0 and stage 2 did not fundamentally work with someone you jump from 1 to 3 constantly it’s very brutish where I look to working with Deida, overall I am glad Leo Gura exists if there are to many Trumpist or right-winged views, I neglected a lot of good work, due to the distraction of gender and sex and I was quiet satisfied with the liberal options, I am no saint regarding this, yet I am curious how much stuff I can get out of tarot and astrology and how much is survival and how much is thriving / creative growth fused with spirit unfortunately I don’t think it’s that binary and clear cut, and the pure direct experience of spirit which takes the most maturity imo, I also had to realize as I was relatively adamant about this, yet was unable to translate some of this stuff into some meaningful realtionship as it was so survival focused I would need to spend that time creating strategies and tactics while I had the priviledge of working with a lot of genuient people who’d use the stuff I am using now as a leverage an entry to their way of spirituality, that is the best thing I can do, mostly a lot of it is entertainment and having a tool for guidance, yet I find it odd as professionals are also using it, yet it’s mostly for survival or symbolic pointers similar to the alchemist, I’ve always been interested in that, yet holy cow the ray ray views are incredible, and I am glad I am partially out of the lust circuit of even nationalistic views, I notice this when I go to the russian store, everything is fine, especially health, yet as soon as it’s nation/identity, it’s ALL HAIL TO THE GERMAN AS I AM WHITE, and I am like I am german and white and none of you are german actually, and it’s just normal again, it’s super strange as they all know it.

In the end it’s very good to see if I get a genuient experience it’s fair, yet the past life b.s etc. I looked into it and I would do some ceremonies etc. yet I would look for something more legitamet and inform myself and speak with someone like Shinzen who has done stuff like this, as I am simply curious, if it’s real spirituality in terms of stage growth etc. most likely not quiet, yet I also don’t know if it works, I just don’t like this cheating thing etc. and all of the b.s of Aubery Marucs and people pushing his products I took a lot a lot of effort even my Marketing professors were so carefully ethical and morally pedantic, it’s more like it was impossible for me not to become conscious THE GUY DID NOT EVEN HAVE A CAR, EVER HEARD OF SOMEONE LIKE THIS? And he used this fking bike to go up the hill, I loved this guy for adventure, at one point I took him with me to drop him of to another professor my car was damaged as most likely some truck drove into it from the supermarket next back in my hometown etc.

The guy looked at me with his scientist data orientation and legit said I should report it to the Statistical Amt so they can take it into the data, so Big Mind makes a decision, my practical mind and him thought both it’s a good idea, yet I won’t do it. It’s a bit odd, yet death of people really got to me, and I can clearly see the difference of survival and corruption generally it shocked me, the most uncorrupt people also attended the best universities, the most corrupt people idk wtf happend to them.

All I can say and see is it’s very disgusting to meet someone who goes on an adventure and I charted a lot with this chinese alchemy things etc. and I see more the construct of projections through this mostly, I really have to frame it differently unfortunately I will not have the priviledge to present it as a toolbox for contemplation, yet at times it clearly shows me things, I keep using them as tools, yet I am quiet careful to see it more as a survival tool and I still think I have a new fetish to be bird handed by light code activations, idk grok 3 on unhinged is also just funny, but the fun is also over.

What I notice mostly is the issue of spirituality and sex, idk actually I feel abused by women, as I fked the ex so hard I had to laugh as I was a totally newbie and actually she did not deserve that level of sex, if she would’ve not given me something back, idk karmically idk I dove to much into this and I have odd kriya experiences, yet I am better sticking to Leo’s teaching when I am stuck on the left v.s right dilema, as it does not serve me survival 1 inch, yet spiritual sex just with actualy spiritual stuff, not just or even as an escape of survival etc. Is super nice, yet should not be that addicting holy shit.

Also it’s interesting that a myth is simply and a story is also a trust in authority I never thought about this. idk it’s very odd as I faced a lot of boredom and contemplated this and I had to use some tools to make meditation not this endless survival grinde, and Shinzen introduce some techniques in order to deal with that with just strange things, and I know I can sit at least a couple of days in pure silence, yet mostly supported my some sort of digital subtle community, I remember when I did the retreat back in the day I was annoyed that a lot of people wanted to meditate less and just distract themselves to get away from their minds.

I see at least some level of benefit to doing all of this esoteric stuff and astrology, as I got some level of spiritual state out of it with psychdelics, yet at the sametime, this should be mainly viewed in the sense of survival or at best to reach something symbolically, it’s not like I sit there endlessely contemplating it, yet I watch a lot of videos and I am still interested.

Ultimately, the largest issue was a lot of the health stuff I was interested in used it, so idk it is strange, to see all of this and that I got into it, I see it more as beauty, also it’s ironic that Shinzen master types with his day pillar as Leos month pillar, and there are some issues tied to sex with this pillar more than I thought, yet all of this is a bit different.

I contemplated just now as at the beginnig I was used to just sit in silence, yet my enviroment turned so loud, I had to face the issue of getting used to noise and this pressure cooker environment allan watts talks about in the end I am more conviced that I get what he means with spiritual flavoured survival, yet if I am earnest interest into exploring this stuff and my spiritual pratice is legit, and gets me into states or stages of development that is different, I see it mostly as entertainment and I should see it different from real spirital work, yet I had also strange kriya experiences and I wonder if this can actually be a tool for healing, besides just using visualization and other techniques I test it for a while, and most likely keep it as a tool within the toolbox, at times humans act not with the highest level of intentions ever since covid that it’s actually quiet nice to do stuff like this, yet make it different from real spiritual work etc.

I get more of it now. Also the end is just beautiful! Most people did not even approxiamte infinity mathematically idk what to say it’s beautiful to exist, some of his takes are whackey, yet it’s odd to see all of this now.

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I listend to this, as it popped up, and I find it weird that my love meditations have some immediate type of impact, it’s odd that certain transit seem to be historically associated with people gaining access to spirit.

I keep track of things as well as I can just by understanding mostly, I A.I’ed the book and listend to the podcast as they use psychdelics etc. also therapy as a means to work on stuff, I wonder how good this works, I will date my stuff simply to retrace it more if I ever do trip again, simply time and date is sufficient.

For e.g. the break-up with the ex happend to the exact degree of the saturn return approx. around march 15 2024, it was in march IIRC, relatively close to it, I get that it has nothing to do if you’d just sit there for ever and ever meditating and doing consciouness elevating stuff, yet there are humans just interested in it and don’t practice full-time and they seem to get healthy benefit to it, ever since COVID I’ve been interested in it, besides the pure mechanical view, yet I also see the issue of how deep you’d need to know archetypes etc. I thought about Ramanuja and how he had insights from Lakshmi, she is associated with Venus/Metal I legit just found way to much again to get into, to get insights more about the cycles of existence and stuff, I am looking at it, as I don’t have the exact stuff.

I also wonder why people get kicked-out of DMT releams and idk if this is more of a biological issues when I look at it, yet it’s just odd, especially considering some of the celestial stuff of Steiner, yet I more akin to sticking to Wilbers work, so for e.g how archetypes if I use DMT could show up in any of these and if they are tied to my actual birth chart or any transits etc. Would be interesting, seemingly it has something to do with it and the psyche, yet as for now just focusing more on universal love in my meditations is good, and staying away when I notice stuff is fake tough love fluff, for spiritual growth and actual growth etc. I’d like to see which archetypes fit the blueprint I am currently handed I’ve seen also new stuff with epigenetics, and the interconnections become relatively close so I am wondering where this will lead me to.

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I contemplated some of the stuff I watched, and I started to read bits and pieces of Yoganandas book currently I see some issues tied to stuff, yet mostly I realize and I am interested in working through personal stuff and finding a place where the baseline collective is enjoyable enough for me to enjoy my life more, I noticed also some stuff somehow for e.g astrology has always been an intro into culture and getting to know the “cosmic blueprint” including lands, ressources, language etc. But in most language classes they teach you more modern entertainment, and my entertainment is more tied to odd stuff, for instance watching integral episodes, health topics that go against the current standards of society etc.

First of all as it has been approx 1-2 months since I included a breathing exercise and I lost the kriya yoga book, somehow idk where it is, and I mixed the two practices, and did some stuff, I notice some of it’s benefits, especially with stress now, I find it also interesting that yogananda was forced to learn astrology, and he is also Virgo asc, and I got more into this Jotish stuff etc. there generally seems to be a confusion about things, I bought a book about it to get more also the philosopher and the times during that era, and it’s quiet interesting, yet also complicated what I see mostly is how I do this for my own entertainment and guidance, and some other subtle stuff, where it’s better to seek more realized masters, as they immitate my ego automatically and I crack-up, yet it really depends on the master, the next thing I realize is if I include more and less things that work for me, as I constantly have to face some limits, and practicing for e.g stretching or other things, so I can sit in a burmese position etc. releases to much bodily trauma, the breathing technique is quiet gentle and I notice I am stimulating myself to much for it to be fully effective, yet Shinzen also included a new noting technique that helps to monitor this, and the biggest issue is just doing all of this out of enjoyable thing and not see it as Truth even the Yogis don’t do it, yet they learn it in order to swash it away from the one being deceived by it, idk as I do my best to look between the lines, yet I’ve seen some sides, that realizes it wants something for that, as my survival is often tied to seeing between the lines and I don’t really get any break, so I often appreciate no bullshitters for e.g Shinzen at a retreat that can be a little lenient, as I know it’s often an empathy type of request.

Otherwise, I lost the book to make a through analysis briefly, as it’s relatively coincidental that this pops up and seems to create interest, yet for me also the scientific interest just to understand is still there, and mostly doing that with Wilbers work etc. as I’ve seen whackey takes and it takes a lot of energy to read between the lines and it does not protect you from corruption, and I had another case of that recently, where I have to be careful and the case is being prooved, this happend ever since I am on this wealthy path, it would be nice to have 2-3 techniques more, as my body has at times complex request, and doing things very simply shikentaza seems to be the best a long do-nothing sit, as it breaks the illusion of boredom etc.

Also due to the culture I am in, a more feminine leaning integration is better to not turn full zen-devil on people, as I get to masculine at times, so I visualize a lot of love, I am done mostly now with looking at videos and doing that type of trigger practice now the full-blown out patterning beginngs again, with the breathing support. I did not track to many full sessions, yet overall some level of automatism kicks-in, now the vision is more important to do it integrative, it’s quite nice to do it integratively, yet I have to get used to some of this stuff, as all of it is new, and only a few, it’s quiet nice to eventually connect to some parts of culture this way and I am interest, as of course the time could be spent practicing, yet just expanding my world view by reading and experience is also important, and it’s so conflictual looking at this stuff just helps me to find solace from all of the b.s., it’s interesting for cleaning-up, also yet I have to realize some things.

Mostly if I would integrate the most unconscious conscious human beigns = children I would require to be super clean in terms of food and quality of living, and I will most likely move to a place, where I will seem like a random santa clause to them, to an extend which I think is cute, with all of the b.s stuff I experienced tied to children. The more I meditate on love, I see the issue of self-hatred again, I have to admit I hate parts of my fking self, and that even when I meditate on love and get rid of it, the progress then occures, it’s an external and internal cleansing process, the nadi-sodahana helps me with how it should work, as I checked some of the bio mechanics of the organs, the issue is I have the scar, and at times I have to break all odds, and just let breathing breath, let god or the essence of it come to me and it ressolves a lot of stuff where a lot of karmic exchange happens, especially with my enviroment, yes I look like a lunatic, yet holy shit people ignore a lot of things out of existence.

I notice some things tied to alchemy, and what I looked at, yet I would require more books to understand it etc. The best part of doing this entirely self-generated with my own mantras, hence my own energy is infused with the words, is I see the feedback very well, often for e.g the more I meditate on love, the people who’re seen as criminal sort of help me with the normal criminality that made them criminal, I think this is the nicest benfit, that can be to some form of superficial pleasentry, to instead for e.g have a heart to heart talk about some b.s and showing them what is truly beneath it, as they see for e.g how you’re mistreated and don’t even notice it, and also the once being ignorant or casually corrupt give you leeway for various reasons, yet I notice a lot of b.s breaks the more I meditate on love and it comes back in waves in my day to day life, the more I see how society already fked up and that can’t be undone, the issue of their projections, how it dissolves with actual love, as you’re legit a wise fool enacting a wise fool archetype in that sense, and how much of this also causes issue to the mind, someone who rests deeply in peace instead of love, will not be as involved with life, peace is very hard, yet peace is also tricky, if I contemplate the stuff I looked into and I am playing around with this stuff, if I would’ve have a stronger body I would just work with breath, yet that part exactly is super sensetive and I am rebuilding it again, I even realized some parts IIRC tha are tied to the totality of reality or immortality, through stuff, yet it’s just very very very very very tiny glimpses, yet they are so rock solid, I wonder how a full-blown realization would look like of states like this.

I find it kinda cool that Yogananda had to learn this, I am reading the book in German it’s quiet nice to read some German it legit feeds my cerebellum and ocipital lobes, it sounds weird, yet these oxish? Type of discussions with Germans about their own language, it’s also cool to see some charts of celebreties and get insights instead of basic pop psychology, as it’s not really that deep the research is eventually deep, yet I enjoy what type of personality insights it can give me, it’s an odd and deep study of psychology, yet I would appreciate some newer forms, especially scott barry kauffmann or others also to then see how this charts itself, yet all of this is still developing for me it’s more about how to handle some people, as if I read certain books I am so pruned at looking at the flaw of the flaw of the flaw it’s paralyzing, the breathing technique works quiet well, yet it would work better if I could include, if I could let go of more and eat cleaner food, especially water as I still have to save money on all of this b.s as I’ve been robbed by unhealthy people and this corruption stuff, especially subtle forms of theft, has been hitting me the more succesful I become I am looking at ways to understand it, and taking the most practical measures costs me money and people are not developed and conscious enough to react postively to it. It’s odd, and I find a lot of bio markers to test stuff, this is very good for instance adrenal fatigue from a lot of coffee with this rage against stupidity.

The point is I have some solutions, yet often the core issue has been the issue of socializing, often the more shady people I get along with them better, and I help them to be less shady, and the more goody two shoes people start betraying me or even the ones in-between, so I mostly looked to network and simply expand networks, and seeing now to let go of politics and integrate the lessons even if not easy, as the more I work on myself some people get the evil trigger of their own moral stuff, and it’s very much tied to my aunt, and the issue of class, and being class free, that I sort of sense what will happen and can go wrong the more conscious I am fundamentally. Breaking free from the ideas of others, and looking for what works is not easy.

But what I resonate with is often or often becomes a trend, I did my best to become a trendsetter, yet people burn you, and I realized I just do me anyway, and if you have an issue with that that is your problem. I lost a lot of shady friends who’re this academic goody two shoes type and I thought oh wow finally someone who understands me, not they are just conscious as they see you and your skin color as negative at times, it’s ueber disgusting I wonder if I will get over this the guy was just the epitome of degenerate where I would’ve quitted my career in IT completely as I saw myself reflected, yet not in a situation where I’d say it’s justified and a lot of these guys have daddy issues, and really really should integrate more depth of feminine moving them to yang as it apparently swasps over and not vice-versa, yang moving them into yin, if you go to the gym and enjoy physical training yes it’s easier, yet it causes a lot of 1-3 relationship dynamics which can be very exhausting, yet also super nice.

Fundamentally, I have to realize that my enviroment was hijacked to be succesful and also to be succesful in contempaltive endeavours I see more positive signs for e.g. often I hear random church bells or children screaming and having fun right before I have a break through or I get longer periods of silence and nature doing it’s work. The core issue is also a layer of boomer masculinity of my way or the high way you’re doing it wrong! I talk with my mother who is a boomer endlessly about this, as there are positiveand negative aspects, yet in the end

This is super accurate and funny, as I am working with Ida and Pingali and I’d like to understand vedic astrology more and the archetypes, so i get the people more as it’s heavily involved in the culture and the scientific arrogance at times and class thinking is super annoying, where idk at times what I’ll do, yet it shows more the character of the person, I have some tendencies of this to, mostly to people who just execute and don’t think or build a bond, it’s very similar with meridians, I am looking to get a grasp of some of these things, there is still this undercurrent of blue collar attitude being heavily jealous of stome stuff I’d say and I notice the dismissive attitude of some, and then suddenly they become like a child in a candy store if they are delivered the solution, I see this with my mothers new boyfriend, as I really like technology, and the guy is just prone to mechanical delusions, and the master thing, just that alone is a huge trap, I am glad I read a book that fixed the idea of it to be called like this, I could read it again, yet the environment does not allow for the principle, there is a baseline bitterness around wealth.

I am looking for some ways to understand stuff more and simply do my life, even if I am partially corrupt many used a lot of my conscious doing just to engage in their so called “none corruption” and fundamentally I am convinced these people owe me an apology, will this ever happen? No, what did I realize I forgive myself for following such disgusting creatures and they even empower themselves through this, this can’t be entirely for the good, as the produce to little in a sense. Idk how to view this, I am mostly integrating what I get about wealth from Deepak and Sadghuru and make my life more joyful so spirit just comes, this is how it has been the whole time, yet some are so malicious and grasping they suck live out of you, especially due to past behaviour some stuff can’t be fully undone, and I wonder how far this goes, as people who work on themselves in their 60’s and 70’s also make major changes! I also get a lot of synchronistic stuff with gurus/teachers, yet I have to realize becoming better at interpreting the signs and symbols as well as not loosing myself in group think is very important and the survival paradigm, I was so wrong with functionalism.

I know Shinzen is also aware of the chinese version of this, it made me laugh a bit to find out what I find mystic is generally what I find mystic, yet some of them or most of them have some sort of karmic payment to me, and a lot of it has to do with sex and social relationships I notice, I generally don’t meet people like this as many yin water people are heavily energy abusers there must’ve been thousands of years of discrimination like this in China etc. I’d like to understand ether more etc.

It’s quiet nice to balance masculine and feminine that way, and enjoy the natural peristalsis of it, I look into some yogic elements the archetypal connections are quiet real, yet if you’re yin water and copying me it can’t be good for you, it’s odd. But this is my experience, there are so many breathing techniques the nadi sodhana is by far the most effective in short bursts and having a 2-3h stretch of it working, I did not test it for office scenarios etc. yet you get a lot of energy out and I did not work with it yet filling my mind to the max, and seeing what happens, yet it’s quiet good to get the body used again to being more calm etc. I look into the elements know as I see some overlaps with what I’ve been doing, and I simply enjoy that, especially longer sits where I would also do walking meditation, due to my anatomy and I would require a yoga teacher to check this, and the best I’d do is burmese position is better.

In the end, I correct my posture just now with my hands, and I am looking at different stuff

This was also quiet interesting, yet I saw how the vagus nerve is connected to organs and I am doing my best to connect mentally some of the ideas between different cultures, generally this should also work on all organs as the vagus nerve I can’t find the picture I looked at that showed it more carefully


This is how I imagine it not in this structural sense, the picture I was searching for looked more like a carcase and showed how it’s connected to organs, what I notice for me wood works similar air and metal in chinese astrology with ether.

There is other stuff, yet I really require books this works for me, it could be better without any substance this would be very effective, with that I mean tv, pc, etc.

Some of the new exercises I do also tie into some of the elements and movement, I am not to deep into this stuff, yet I would appreciate everything else but Steiner on this I could be more thankful for space and that type of conscious environment. But as for now I stop it’s enough and I see the benefit of nadi sodhana with what I do, yet I should really clean and work with water more, in the end, it’s odd I feel a lot of strange guilt for stuff I did not even do. Overall it’s getting better though.

I stop here, fundamentally I’d really have to study this stuff and with the technique I do I’d appreciate ether or what they say is consciouness comes up more often it’s expansion/contraction space into visualization into digesting of sensory input mostly, yet it’s quite good to get a better grasp of organs, especially adreneals etc. What bothers me the most is environmental stress, they push all of that energy towards your space, I looked into feng-shui etc. yet I’d have to understand some different stuff first. I am done mostly this works for my purposes, it’s more the lifestyle then that is important, this dissolves more karma than I thought, but I am not really working on my purpose anymore, the sublte politics of this really got to me, as people are seeking out revenge in very very subtle ways and don’t admitt that it has been odd to contemplate this the last years, as these are often the most damaging individuals and my meditation practice forgivness and peace usually in these moments I forget those and focus more on love than hatred and revenge etc. mostly due to rightous justice etc. that type of energy I am releasing from my pranic body mostly and organs, especially liver most likely and the adrenals.

I have so many new ideas, yet I really have to get this stuff and test it and for now just chill with what I have.

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What I notice are some interesting things, due to the archetypal nature of astrology, especially vedic and some do kriya yoga apparently also, I am not sure or convinced they do it at a high enough level, yet ultimately idk what I notice more is how some underbelly feelings I am calling them are holding myself back, as well as how long it takes to get rid of some notions and just understanding some apparentely predetermined things, so far there is approx. only one guy who has the best interpretive answers, and you won’t really find him, I also will not share it, it’s a bit odd to contemplate this I bet I already wrote parts about it, I am getting more insights about myself and my personality, instead of just reflecting and it.

What I am contemplating are some subtle things about cleanliness and I might still reflect on that and plan it, and it’s odd it ties into kriya yoga so quickly, I did not really expect it, though what I am seeing is that contemplating all of this has it’s value, especially with everything I found the most difficult part is the continous integration, as I see so many points of improvement and even the smallest changes work at times for instance just stretching my fingers and hands has benefits in 2 areas, I just did some push-ups and it did not really feel as the days before as my hand is still somewhat impaired by the injury, it’s very difficult to get clarity on this, last couple of days it worked, so it might be better to not do it immediately and IIRC the doctor recommended some stretches, yet they enforce at times an insane level of autonomey were you barely have human contact that is how the last couple of years felt inside.

What bothers me a bit is creating an enviroment conducive to growth and then subtelties destroying that or my own drive for perfection, I can see now more archetypes tied to this, and simply can forgive myself and move on and find solutions at this most likely, yet I still have to finish this and see how I am being impacted by it, the largest issue is how following certain groups has derailed the integration of sexual energy, and channeling that as the overall outlook as to negative and it has been working for me, overall the largest distractions for me are of sexual/desire allure, and I can circumvent it to some level with teas etc. I became quiet obsessed with this.

Also the advantage of doing vipassana retreats when they talk a lot pointers can become access to higher states of consciouness like words like OM etc. if you’d ever did any chanting, also a subtle point about leadership is often prevailing itself, I get that I am required to do some things that help me regarding this, generally I’ve had a shit ton of solutions, yet I never felt that I got the ressources I required or they were taken right infront of me or when I do it the ressourceful way, there barely is any social support and part of me really craves that, I found my little answer, that gives me some growth as working with teas has helped me tremendously.

There are some other issues tied to sex and horniness, especially the further I look back, especially with countries were people are more healthy, yet have little control over their sexual energy, and physical expression of it, but the society is decently evolved I often notice the ones who control that energy the best and channel it simply become very good, especially if they are moderate in that regard, or abstinent, idk how to view it. What bothers me I constantly find stuff to test, and to explore.

I stop here and I am just going to test it I found one thing that solidly supports me and me health, and I can explore and get benefits, especially for my workouts, now it’s just doing this, and working with it. Being positive is good, yet there have been multiple issues with that, especially most of it is lost, due to the complexity of health, this is also a save test, so that is quiet nice.

Otherwise I am contemplating if I should stay up to reset my sleep cycle, and simply work with what I found out, but I don’t think I will do it, what I notice so far is this subtle issue, I really wonder if I will find an answer to this. In the end, sometimes I don’t find specific sources I am looking for and I am in this weird releam. I find more on health this is the end of the post! Looking for some words to actually end the post, hence end of post!